Going back to school...

...for interior design.

I'm extremely exctied. I'm also extremely nervous! There's so much to figure out and i'm trusting that things will work out as they should. I've reached this point many times in the past. It's no secret that my heart is in the design world, and in the past such careers have always been top on the list of things I should be doing, while the things I am doing have always been in the middle or at the very bottom. Yet, fear of the substantial loss of income and the logistics of how my path to my dream would take place kept me from moving forward. I woke up the other morning and finally said "enough is enough". I can spend the rest of my life waking up and dreading the day that lies ahead just because the paycheck is good, or I can take a risk and follow my heart, perhaps into poverty? Oh well, i'm going to follow my heart.

The Goofball Within

I’m an intelligent, caring, successful businessman, who also happens to be a total… goofball. *sigh*

This is something that makes me laugh and that makes me feel awkward at the same time. It makes me laugh because, well…I do some of the silliest, craziest, most nonsensical things! I love to laugh and I love being around people who also love to laugh. One of the greatest feelings is busting a gut with someone you care about. However, while many women find a humorous guy attractive (particularly when he also has a brain) I don’t know that most gay guys do. It goes back to my idea that many men are influenced, foremost, by appearance and perception, whereas women tend to be, foremost, influenced by emotions. It’s almost as if to say that many women are initially influenced by what’s happening in their heart, whereas men tend to be influenced by what’s happening in their groins. Ok that’s harsh…but I’m not quite ready to say that it’s untrue. Some have tried to convince me otherwise, but I have yet to hear a compelling argument.

So, what’s a goofball to do? I could easily assume the role of the sophisticated New Yorker. I have to do it often because of my line of work and some of the circles I travel in, although I’m naturally more laid back. I could hold back my laughter. I could refrain from wise cracks and dry sarcasm. I could only speak when I have something highly intelligent and unamusing to say. I’d certainly feel more mature, I suppose. And, perhaps, I’d meet someone who would see me as more than just a really cool friend.

Hmmm…I’m not sure what I think on this matter. I’m not sure what I’d be sacrificing, or gaining, in the end. What is the difference between bettering oneself, and becoming someone you were never meant to be? What is and isn't necessary, and where is the line?

Typical Day

I never realize how fast this city is until I see things like this. It's hard to believe, but there's actually peace in the chaos.




...and here's a bit of that peace (not taken by me, but it's my neighborhood)

Twenty Something

A few weeks ago I made a comment to a friend in which I referenced people in their early 20’s. I unconsciously did so in a way that implied that I fit into that category, only to have my friend point out that I’m no longer in my early 20’s. “Wow. I’m no longer in my early 20’s” I thought to myself afterwards. When the heck did that happen?! When did I enter this new and final phase of young adulthood, and why didn’t I realize it? Regardless, I must accept the truth that I’m getting older. Doing so isn’t that difficult because to be honest, it’s great!

I’ve reached a point where I know who I am, not completely, but much more than I did at 21. I have enough of a sense of what I want to know how to follow in its general direction. Much more of what I do is because I want to do it, and much less is driven by the expectations of others. I’m much less interested in being someone else’s ideal person, and much more interested in being the best me that I can be. I'm much more capable of accepting those things that I cannot change, and much more interested in working on those things that I can. More and more, I am who I am because it’s who I want to be.

As I sit in my own apartment with rent I can actually afford, in the city I’ve wanted to be in since I was 7, with a job I never thought I’d have, in a company I wanted to work for since I was 21, with more friends and family than I ever thought i'd have, I’m thankful to say that none of the "good me” was lost in the process. Now, I no longer miss who I was at 21, but instead, am pretty proud of who I am at 26.

- Bryan

Life...Together

My nana passed away about a week ago. She was 97. We held her funeral on Monday. My pop-pop, her husband, died in 2003. When he died they had been married for 75 years. 75 years! This fact, in combination with watching my parents over the past week, has left me thinking about what it means to spend the rest of my life with someone.

I now understand why it’s so important that the person you spend your life with be more than just a lover, but a friend, a friend that either is or can become your best friend. There is far more to a marriage than sex, but somehow sex is often what so many of us single people think about when we think about a lifelong commitment, at least those of us who have decided to wait. Yet, sex is just one component of what makes a loving relationship a success. I imagine that when physical beauty has faded, there should be an inner beauty which never fades, an attraction based on what’s inside that grows stronger with the passing of time. I know for a fact that my grandparents didn’t have sex for the last 19 years of their marriage. Yet, they loved deeply. My parents on the other hand, are hornballs. They’re also best friends, who love deeply.

So, what would it be like to spend the rest of my life with one person? No children. No pets. Just the two of us. Sitting with company or in silence. Enjoying one another and at times, our loved ones. Cooking together. Laughing together. At times annoyed with one another. Attending church together. Running together. Hiking together. Watching the sun rise and set, together. Two hearts joined together, whether physically together or apart. What would that be like?


- Bryan

Thanksgiving Week Reflections

Sometimes I catch a glimpse of something I want as part of my future. It’s usually short-lived, being just long enough to realize how wonderful it would be to have, but not long enough to know whether it’s meant for me, or good for me. It comes suddenly, perhaps through a comment from a friend, the smile of a child, a gust of wind, a warm embrace, or a ray of sunlight peeking through my window in the early morning hours. The experience is both beautiful and uncomfortable at the same time.

This post comes on the tail end of a conversation with a friend today in which we both shared some of the desires and complexities of our hearts. I guess there are some friends who just give us clarity, friends who inadvertently allow us to learn more about ourselves, who we are, what we want, and what we have to be thankful for. I have a few like that, and I’m grateful. Today’s conversation, though brief, was good for me. My friend already knows the affinity I have for him (yes, friends CAN have that *rolls eyes* ), and that parts of who he is are reflective of the traits I hope to find in my future “husbpartnerspouse”. In that respect it’s always cool to chat with him and be reminded that likeminded gay guys do exist. More importantly though, today I was reminded that of all the glimpses I’ve caught, I’ve seen enough of them realized to be OK were I to never see another. I have much to be thankful for.

It’s comforting to know that some things are just out of my control, including who I’ll be or what things and people will shape my world in the years to come. I guess I’m content without all of the answers. I guess I’m ok not knowing when this season will end, and what the next one will bring. I’m really ok.

I guess you would have to have known me for the better part of the past 26 years to know why “I’m ok” means more than the words themselves can possibly express.

Happy Thanksgiving!

-Bryan

“Even if my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me…. I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.” From Psalm 27 - A Psalm of David. :)

Where's my Swear Jar

So, it's back to work for me today. After a weekend in the Catskills and two lovely days outside of the office, it's time to return. There's something about returning to work in the bitter cold that just makes returning to work that much more difficult. It also makes it really difficult for me to get my butt out of bed and go for a run. I hate running in the cold.

Anyhow, I chatted on the phone with my friend David last night for a few hours. Somehow we got onto the topic of weather, at which point he said "I can understand why someone would live where it's always hot, or why someone would live where it's always cold, but I don't understand you New York people who live where it's so hot in the summer and so cold in the winter." I woke up this AM with that thoughts on my mind, and I think I finally have an answer!

We forget!

Yup. Somehow. Someway. We forget. When the spring hits and those flowers start to bloom, when those birds start to sing, and that sun starts to shine for more hours in the day...we forget ALL about the winter, the cold, the snow. The promises we made ourselves during those coldest moments to move to some sunny tropical place? Yeah, we forget them too. Yup. That's it.....

Anyway, the below is a Youtube video that seems appropriate for my return to the office today. *sigh*

Enjoy!

A Retreat to the Mountains

So, I was fortunate enough to go to the Catskills this weekend for a retreat. And it was truly a retreat. Good scenery, great company, and good food have a way of making things better, not that things were bad to begin with.

I could write forever on all that I experienced and learned this weekend. But since I don't much feel like writing forever, I decided to just throw a Sarah Groves song in instead. I'm that lazy...

New England's is a beautiful place...

Checkmate...follow up

So, I decided to email my mom after I made my last post, telling her what I thought and how I felt. It was a great idea. We had some back and forth, and in the end I realized that I need to kind of lead the way in this whole process. It's not that my parents don't have questions to ask, nor is it that they don't want to discuss this whole thing. It's just that they don't know what to ask or how to go about it. I suppose that's where I come in, opening up a bit more and sharing the pieces of my life that i've long kept hidden. I guess we were all waiting. I was waiting for them to ask, and they were waiting for me to tell.



ENOUGH DRAMA...

I'm in love folks......with this coat from Burberry!

















Yet, I just cannot bring myself to spend almost $2,000 on a coat!!!

I'm lying. What I really mean is that I can't bring myself to spend that much on a coat right now, at this point in my life. Yet, the tempation is great. It is so great that I had to get a second opinion. So, I asked my friend and co-worker Viv what his thoughts were. Below is our brief yet pointed IM conversation yesterday.

04:11PM bry: random question. would you spend $2000 on a coat?
04:12PM vpat: not unless that coat had wheels, a couple of doors, and 150 hp
04:12PM bry: LOL
04:13PM vpat: why?
04:13PM bry: uhh....no reason.

- Bryan

Checkmate

So I’ve been thinking about my family for a bit now. Specifically, i've been thinking about m y parents. I’m a little disappointed at the fact that after having come out to my parents some months ago, not a word has been said about any of it. We kind of carry on like everything is still the same. In some ways that’s good, but in other ways it doesn’t seem to be so good. More than caring about where they stand on the whole gay topic, I’m concerned that they’re not dealing. And somehow their not dealing feels incredibly unfair to me. I feel like I’m being asked to pretend just because they’d like to pretend, and anyone who knows me knows that I’m just not one for pretending.

I’ve been feeling this way for some time now, but perhaps a forward I got from my Dad made it feel that much more intense. It was some dumb forward about “Man Rules”. It had to do with rules men should follow in dealing with women, wives, etc. I didn’t read it at any length because I didn’t want to read anything that I found offensive. I can’t stand anything that widdles what it means to be a man down to a series of actions. More importantly, I didn’t want to see anything offensive because I knew it would cause me to become irritated with my father for sending it to me in the first place. Yet, I’m irritated anyway. Why would he send me something so stupid? Ok…that’s probably a stupid statement in itself. Plenty of people send stupid forwards. A better question is, why would he send me something that he knows doesn’t relate to my life or who I am in any way shape or form? I wouldn’t send him a forward about “Man Rules for Gay Men”, so why, after all we spoke about several months ago, would he send me something like this?! I know that I’m perhaps being too hard on him. I suppose that seeing me as his straight son is just natural. But my concern, my disappointment, my hurt (to be quite honest), is in the fact that neither he nor my mom seem to be making any attempt to see me as anything else.

When I came out I heard a lot of loving, positive things from them. I was expecting to be disowned. But although what I heard was wonderful to my own ears, I sit here now feeling more confused and awkward than I did before I even came out, and that doesn’t seem fair. I mean, do they think I’m sitting around just waiting for them to come to grips with it all before I move on with the rest of my life? It’s like they heard that I’m gay, but failed to process what that really means. In some ways, I’m trying to prepare them. I don’t want them to be shocked if and when I start dating, if and when it gets serious, and if and when I pursue a family of my own. Yet, I cannot prepare them any more than I have tried to. They don’t want to be prepared.

I’ve spent my whole life trying to be who everyone expected me to be. I’ve spent my life thinking about my family, and evaluating everything in light of how it would effect them. I’m tired of it. I came out to them so that I could dialogue with them about who I am, to give them the opportunity to be fully included in my life. While they didn’t reject that opportunity, they haven’t accepted it either. Instead, they’ve just tried to forget about it.

My mom told me, when I first came out to her, that the whole situation would help me to see just how much my family really loved me. Well, I’m still waiting. And the ball’s in their court, because I’m done.

- Bryan

I'll say it...

...through music. And no...it's not what you think. Not completely anyway. ;-)




In the deepest ocean
The bottom of the sea
Your eyes
They turn me
Why should I stay here?
Why should I stay?
I'd be crazy not to follow
Follow where you lead
Your eyes
They turn me
Turn me on to phantoms
I follow to the edge of the earth
And fall off
Everybody leaves
If they get the chance
And this is my chance
I get eaten by the worms
Weird fishes
Picked over by the worms
Weird fishes
Weird fishes
Weird fishes
I'll hit the bottom
Hit the bottom and escape
Escape
I'll hit the bottom
Hit the bottom and escape
Escape

Leaving New York

I’m going to let you in on a little secret, something that many of us non-native New Yorkers, the ones who have stuck around anyway, know and experience, but rarely tell anyone less we loose our street cred. The secret is….sometimes we don’t want to live here anymore. Sometimes, the Big Apple tastes a little rotten and we feel like tossing it in into the trash can and grabbing a plum instead.

Yesterday was a beautiful day and I was able to spend a few hours of it hanging in Central Park with my friend AMC. This was all before we had to put on our Harry Potter gear and rush off to spend a few hours hanging out with some 5th and 6th graders for our church’s Harry Potter night (which was CRAZY amounts of fun by the way!). AMC and I had a good conversation spanning lots of topics, including our feelings about New York, and it was nice to hear someone else say that in spite of their love for New York, they too have times when they just feel like they’re done with it all. At least I know I’m not totally mental…key word being “totally”…

I guess there are just days when I miss what used to be “normal”. There are times when I wish that getting off of this 22 square mile island to do something as simple as go to Target or visit my parents, wasn’t such an ordeal. As it stands, renting a car or purchasing a train ticket is needed to do both, which also requires money and planning and sometimes isn’t even feasible. There are times when I’d love to wake up to a field of grass and chirping birds, instead of honking horns and rowdy pedestrians. There are days when I’d so much rather get in a car, by myself, and head to work, than stand in a crowded subway car only to plow my way through gaggles of tourists when I get above ground. There are days when I don’t feel like being a tough New Yorker, when I’d rather smile at the random people I encounter and receive a smile in return, as opposed to a grimace or most often, no eye contact in the first place. And there are times when I wish for more permanence, as many people my age don’t see this city as a place to call home, but more a place to make their mark, have some fun, and then move on to a place that they can call home. I suppose I thought that all of this was just some form of S.A.D as I mostly feel this way in the Fall and Winter. While I’m sure that the S.A.D thing is partially true, I also know from other non-natives that these feelings are common.

Then again, some of my “beef” is really rooted in my age and place in life. I’ve seen a difference among those who are a bit older and a bit more established; those who can afford to have a car here in the city and the small fortune it costs to garage it, and who can afford to get away whenever the need arises, even if it’s just upstate for a few weekends in a row. Fortunately, I’m on my way to being able to do such things, it’s just a matter of when and is it worth it.

All of this being said, I spent last night with a bunch of kids who have known no other home than New York City. As they rushed off at the end of the night, one by one, saying goodbye and “see ya next Sunday”, I had a strong desire to see these kids grow up. I also couldn’t help but think about what it would be like to raise my children in a city like New York, and to be honest, something about it just felt right.


As I’ve said before, home is where the heart is, and although we may have our differences, for now, my heart is here…in New York.


-Bryan

The Fear of Authenticity and Answered Prayers

Anyone who knows me will tell you that I tend to have odd reactions to my emotions. For example, I once responded to a friend, after her heart felt “I love you, Bryan”, by telling her to shut up. Sorry C! I just don’t respond well to vulnerability, and I know that the cause is perhaps a lack of humility. I want others to see me the way that I would like to see myself. I want to be strong at all times. I want to be aware at all times. I never want to be caught off guard and I don’t want to let my emotional guard down. Yet, I have the sense enough to know that that’s plain stupid, and such thinking does more damage than it does good. Also, people almost always see the things we try to hide. We inevitably trip while trying not to look clumsy. We have a nervous break down while trying to appear well put together. Our confusion shows through when trying to look overly confident and self-assured. All of this behavior begs the ultimate question, what's the point?

I’m in a situation where I’m resisting something that I actually prayed for. I’m resisting it because I see things happening that I’m not sure what to do with. I don’t know what to make of what’s unfolding, and I’m frustrated because I have no control. I fear that I’m crazy. I fear that I’m misguided. I fear that maybe I’m neither crazy nor misguided, but that there’s really something to this. Yet, through it all, I pretend as though I’m not fearful at all, never uttering a word.

There seems a lesson to be learned here, and although I’m not always the best student, He’s always the best teacher, and he’s always teaching me something.

-Bryan

Nostalgia in the fall...Concerning the UFO Sighting Near Highland Illinois

This song always reminds me of the fall of 2006. It's "Concerning the UFO Sighting Near Highland Illinois" by Sufjan Stevens. Last fall I would wake up at 5am to jog through Riverside Park. I remember how surreal it felt to be up and out at 5am, ipod on full blast, breathing in the crisp Fall air, and running through the park feeling the leaves crackle beneath my feet. There was something about being up before the rest of the city. One of the cool things about Riverside Park is that it overlooks the Hudson. Granted, the Hudson isn't exactly the beach at the Bahamas. Yeah, actually it's more like the dirty sandy puddle of water that coagulates at the drain of those out door showers at the beach. But still, there was something about looking out over the water to the other side (which mind you is New Jersey…but still).



I would often listen to Sufjan Stevens as I’d run and this song always seemed to strike a chord with me. At the time, I was still grappling with being gay, being Christian, living in New York City, wanting to move yet wanting to stay, disliking my job, wanting more friends, wanting more authenticity, and having absolutely no idea what I was doing or where I was going. So much is different now, so much so that I can't believe it's only been a year. Yet, it seems like this was all just yesterday.

I no longer run in Riverside Park, but instead listen to the leaves crackle under foot as I make my way through Morningside Heights. A year later and I’m still here, physically, emotionally, and mentally. Now, as much as I love New York, the truth is that I have no idea where I’ll be this time next year….if I’ll need to trade in my “I Love New York” t-shirt for a “I love fresh air, not spending a fortune to live in a cubby hole, and rediscovering that even 3 feet of personal space is more than enough at 8am” t-shirt. The possibilities are endless…and I find that rather exciting.

Hmmm...maybe tomorrow morning I’ll go for an extended jog through Riverside Park.




-Bryan

Profound Realization....Brace Yourselves

Guys are idiots!

And yes, I know that i'm one of them.

It's odd. Women can often see things that men can't. A woman can listen to a guy talk, rant, whine, dream, and say..."we'd be really good together". While the guy is thinking "I'm glad we're friends but we couldn't date because I like bigger boobs". Quite often, the woman was right and the guy doesn't realize that until it's too late and she's moved on. I don't know. Perhaps the female intuition gene came along with my gay gene.

Obviously, there's someone I thought I had at least some feelings for. However, I could be wrong about the sense of compatability. There was someone a year ago who I thought would be good for me, and vice versa. Truth was, one of us would have probably killed the other in his sleep. But that experience was a first for many reasons and there were a number of things I couldn't see. I'm an ENFj / INFj personality so I learn from situations quickly, and my gut tells me that this situation is different.

Sadly, i'm making the emotional decision to give up on him, not give up on caring about him as a friend or supporting him because I couldn't do that, he's done nothing wrong per se. But just in seeing him as anything more, of putting my heart into it unnecessarily. I'm over it.

-Bryan

TGIF

Bryan: We’re budgeting for this twice next year. We should only be budgeting for it once.

SVP: What do you mean?

Bryan: In 2007 we only budgeted for it once, which is accurate. In the 2008 budget we have it listed twice, one for project xxa and one for project xxb.

SVP: I’m not understanding....

Bryan: Ok. We should only be budgeting for it once. Like…one time. When I look at the budget, I see that xxa is budgeting for it, and xxb is budgeting for it. Two projects are budgeting for exactly the same thing, which isn’t necessary. It looks like we’re intending to spend twice as much on it as we’re actually going to. We should remove it from xxb and just keep it on xxa.

(VP comes into SVP’s office)

SVP to VP: Do you understand this?

VP: What?

Bryan: SVP is budgeting for the same item twice. I see it as a 2008 budget request for two different projects. It should only be on one project.

VP: ....uh huh...

Bryan:…….

Bryan: We’re budgeting for 200% of the actual cost.

VP: What d'ya mean?

Bryan:….

Bryan to VP and SVP: Ok. Say I owe you $100. And to make sure I remember I’m going to include it in my budget for next month. However, instead of just creating one item that says “Pay VP $100”, I create two items which say “Pay VP $100”. Instead of it looking like I owe you $100, it now looks like I owe you $200. But I don’t owe you $200. I only owe you $100. So, to make sure that I’m portraying my expenses as accurately as possible so that I can budget as accurately as possible, I need to remove one of those items which say “Pay VP $100”, so that instead of it looking like I owe you $200 on my books, it looks like I only owe you $100….which is accurate. That’s what’s happening here. It looks like we’re going to be paying more to this vendor next year because we have this item listed twice in error. You get me?

SVP: ……. …….. (blank stare)

VP:……………… (blank stare)

Bryan:……………..

Bryan: .....have a good weekend….

(Bryan leaves office, grabs his crap, and heads to the elevator)

Awaking With the Dawn

I go for a run early in the morning. Not only is it a great way to wake up (although some days, or weeks, waking up is more difficult than others) but there’s just something humbling about running through city streets as the sun rises above the buildings. I don’t run far, only between 1-1.5 miles. I know, “Bryan are you kidding me…a mile!?” Because I live in the city and rely on a combination of my feet and public transportation to get to and from, I don’t really need to run very far. The combination of running and walking results in about 10-15 miles each week. So, my morning run is really just a way of getting in some more strenuous activity than walking.

Running also clears my head. I find that when I run in the morning I rarely think about negative things. Instead, I think about how blessed I am to live in the city I wanted to be in since I was a kid but never thought I’d live in. I think about how nice it is to have good family and friends, even though we have our differences. I think about how good it feels to be able to run, because some people can’t. I think about how great God is for giving me the life that he’s given me. Oh, and sometimes I think about the attractive dudes I see walking their dogs while i'm running that I try to pretend like I don’t notice. I’m shy. AND, I think about love. Yes, that’s right boys and girls, Bryan actually does think about love. Newsflash!

Anyway, This morning’s run was wonderful. Well, except for the part where I realized that I didn’t hydrate myself enough and spent the 20 minutes after I got home trying to avoid puking. That wasn't so wonderful. When I got home though I had, and still have, a song I wrote a while ago buzzing through my head. It is about love. More so, it’s about being in love and what that might feel like. I don’t remember when I wrote it. New songs/poems often flow through my head. I guess that’s what happens when your parents are musicians.

Below is a few lines from “Could You..” I’ll probably be playing this song in my head during my ride to work this A.M. Which reminds me, gotta run!

"Sitting in the mid day sun
Passers by start to become
Rays that dance around the light that you and I emit here
Wrap us up in something more
Something more we can explore
A world we carry on our shoulders as we move into each other
And the birds they start to sing
Rejoicing with us in this thing that here is quickly growing, flying, blooming, overflowing
This isn’t what I thought it’d be like
It’s greater, too great for me to deny
Come in closer
Coming closer
Come in closer
Coming closer….now….."

-by Bryan

Follow up to "Oh How I love New York Nightlife....in Small Doses"

There were about 16 of us who went to Manahatta, a really great club in the East Village, to celebrate my bff’s birthday last night. A good time was had by all. It’s quite the trek from Morningside Heights to the East Village, which is why I seldom go to the East Village. That being said, the East Village does have some awesome bars, restaurants, clubs, lounges, etc. so it’s a great place to chill on a Friday or Saturday night.


Upon arrival I was fortunate enough not to have to wait in line because I was on the guest list. One of the things that irks me sometimes about the NYC night club scene is the long lines and the fact that some clubs are so pretentious. Getting in has never been a problem for me, but when I’m going out to have a good time I want to get excited about going out to have a good time, not work my nerves up by spending hours getting ready in order to give myself the best shot at getting in, which half the time, for guys, really just comes down to whether or not you’re with hot girls.

Anyway, as I walked past the guards and through the doors into deafening music and a sea of people, I realized something, something I already suspected. This “something” only became more evident as I attempted to make my way to the back of the lounge so that I could head downstairs to the club. As I tip-toed, wiggled, and inched my way through the throngs of people packed so tightly together that I feared death by asphyxiation, I realized 1) someone just grabbed my butt…eww, and 2) I’M TOO OLD FOR THIS CRAP! This is all rather amusing as there was a day, not long ago, when I loved the night club scene though pretentious it can sometimes be. I loved the loud music, the dancing, the lights, the entire vibe was just my “thing”. Now, I’ll take an apple martini over good conversation at a place like Buddakan over last night’s festivities any day of the week. I guess I’m growing up. Yay, I’m mature!

It was a great night though, regardless of how many times I looked at my watch and wondered how much more bumping and grinding I could really do before I crawled behind a curtain and went to bed. Good pictures were taken through out the night, and by “good” I mean incriminating pictures which will never see the light of day.

I didn’t get home until close to 5am. I was only able to get a few hours of sleep before I had to wake up and head to church for a brunch meeting after the service. It’s a gorgeous day today! However, the hour and a half I spent looking out the window at brunch plus the 5 minute walk from the bus stop to my house was enough for me to take the day in. I’m going to sleep.

Night!

Oh How I love New York Night Life....in Small Doses

Tomorrow is my best friend's birthday. We're celebrating it at a popular night club here in the city. She's quite the party girl (see picture to the right). She's also hot! Which...is totally lost on me cause i'm gay.

Anyway, tomorrow will be a good time i'm sure. I'm just more the "chilling out in a lounge" type than the "how long can I drink my kamikaze while dancing on this ridiculously small platform with 3 other sweaty people?" type.

Ah well. You're only young once. Plus, I got the moves to set that platform on FIRE!

Autumn in New York and a Place to Call Home

So, it's Autumn in New York. Well, it's not officially autumn, but seeing as though the official beginning of the autumn season is only a few days away, I'm officially declaring it Autumn here on "Another Side of Something." Autumn is one of my favorite times of year next to Spring. The Northeast is a beautiful place to be this time of year. The leaves take on new colors, the air becomes crisp and clear (as clear as it can get here in the city), and the pace picks up as everyone knows they're closing in on the holidays and a brand New Year. If you've never had the chance to visit the Northeast during Autumn I'd encourage you to do so. It truly is a sight to see.

All that being said, I can't believe that I've lived here for over two years. It seems like only yesterday I was searching for apartments with my former roommates and wondering if this on-again-off-again love I had for New York, NY could ever turn into a permanent thing. Little did I know that my on-again-off-again love "thang" for this city would actually continue to be on-again-off-again (and sometimes more "off" than "on") for a year and a half after my move. My my, how things change. I could think of no better city to call home than this one. It fits me. I've experienced more in the past 2 years here in New York than I experienced in the 5 years before I got here. I've grown more as well, and the growing only continues.

It was only six short months ago during a conversation with some friends that I realized that I only stayed in New York because it was "New York". I stayed because it was the city that never slept, the big apple, and almost everywhere I went outside of this city people thought it was a really big deal, particularly in the sticks of Pennsylvania where my family lives. I stayed because not knowing where to go was more unsettling than being unhappy. Now, I stay because it's home. Home is where your heart is, and my heart is here. What can I say? I'm a New Yorker.

This is me...

The past few days I’ve been hearing a lot about the “gay community”. It’s all been pretty focused around those things about the gay community and it’s members which are undesirable (i.e. too fem = not masculine enough, too into fashion = superficial, the list goes on). Interestingly enough, this has all come from other gay men and women. In my desire to not fit those stereotypes I’ve found myself evaluating all of my own stereotypically gay tendencies to see how I measure up (or in this case…DON’T measure up, as that would be most desirable).

I’ve met a lot of gay men and women over the past year and a half who profess a devout faith in Christ. The large majority of them are amazing people. However, so many of them seem to have conditions. So many seem to take pride in those things that set them apart from the rest of the gay community (i.e. I’m gay but I’m not THIS type of gay). I’ve found myself doing the same thing. However, I’m getting to the point where I’m realizing what true self-acceptance is, and so much of what I’ve looked down upon in others are things which I first looked down upon within myself. Not because those things were inherently wrong, but because they set me apart. They made my difference that much more obvious.

So, as I was doing my thing in this great big city tonight I couldn’t get these thoughts out of my head, all those things that I try to pretend I’m not that I really am. Some of it is just part of my design and nothing that can or should be changed. Others things I need to work, some of which I have been and some of which I haven't. Regardless, all of it is what make me me, the good with the bad.

So, this is me…

I like clothes and fashion….a lot. I can look at a dress, tell you if it’s designer, and sometimes even who made it.

I admire women’s shoes.

I like America’s Next Top Model, although I don’t watch it regularly

I sometimes find celebrities intriguing, and enjoy the occasional catch up on what’s happening in their lives.

I hate spiders….i freak out at the sight of them

I admire great wealth and power, but I’m conscious of it’s place in the world and in life

I can be a total flake when it comes to friends and family

I’m way to self-conscious

I pretend not to care about things that I really do care about

I can easily dismiss an important relationship over the slightest offense. Easier to hurt than to be hurt.

I sometimes, when I see a family on the train, wonder what my children will look like, and picture them in my arms.

I get emo over hallmark commercials

I’m my worst critic, nothing I do is ever good enough, my successes could have been more successful

I had my first sexual experience when I was 9. Way too young and far too damaging.

I want to help the people I love to know how much I love them back, but don’t know how

I wish I could accept other’s love, but I find that difficult to do

I really really like Madonna.

I’m not very trusting, not even of those I’m close to, I often expect for them to intentionally hurt or disappoint me somehow

I sometimes feel like enough isn’t really enough, I don’t want to want more, but I do

I crush easily, but I fall for no one

My mind often wanders, and sometimes to places it shouldn't

I miss the me that existed 4 years ago, ignorance is sometimes bliss

I love sweets, I can easily say screw dinner and go to town on a batch of chocolate chip cookies instead.

I instinctively look to anything pleasurable as a means to forget

I only like thunderstorms when other people are around

I’d like to learn to play the guitar so I can woo cute boys with my sultry voice. hehe

I don’t like the winter so much, it’s dark way too often…kinda depresses me

I pretend not to notice that i’m often the only brown face in the room, but I notice

I pretend to be stronger than I am, to the point where I’m not as tender as I should be

I sometimes feel embarrassed when I’m offended, so I pretend not to be offended

I wish I could let go

I wish I could grab hold

I sometimes wish I could go back in time, to that chubby 14 year old kid staring at the pills in the medicine cabinet and wishing he had the guts to do the only thing he thought would bring him some peace, and tell him it’ll all be okay…because it was okay..

...and I believe that it gets even better (ahh...there's that optimism!)

I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness.
Jeremiah 31:3

For a friend...

This is for a friend who's been having a rough few weeks with family, life, and everything else.

If there's anything to say, if there's anything to do, If there's any other way, he'd do anything for you. :)



I have called you children, I have called you son.
What is there to answer if I'm the only one?
Morning comes in Paradise, morning comes in light.
Still I must obey, still I must invite.
If there's anything to say, if there's anything to do,
If there's any other way, I'll do anything for you.

I was dressed embarrassment.
I was dressed in wine.
If you had a part of me, will you take your time?
Even if I come back, even if I die
Is there some idea to replace my life?
Like a father to impress;
Like a mother's mourning dress,
If you ever make a mess, I'll do anything for you

I have called you preacher; I have called you son.
If you have a father or if you haven't one,
I'll do anything for you.

I did everything for you

In The Family Way

Last Sunday we had infant baptism at church. This was the first time I’ve witnessed an infant baptism there. Not to say that they haven’t done them, as I know for a fact that they have. This was just the first one I was present for, and it was an experience as I’ve never seen an infant baptism in a Presbyterian church. The whole process, particularly the words that were spoken, was quite beautiful.

I just couldn’t take my eyes off of the kids. They’re round little faces watching anxiously, yet having no idea what they were actually watching and experiencing. It was cool to see their little personalities shine through at various times. Some giggled, some shuddered as the water was dribbled onto their foreheads, some refused to be held by anyone other than their parents, some cried, and some slept.

Ever since then I’ve been thinking about having a family of my own, much more than usual. Something about Sunday has rekindled that fire. This is of course not the first time that I’ve felt this way. However, I have this knack for convincing myself that I feel something (or more typically with me, DON’T feel something) that I really do. I managed to convince myself that a family wasn’t really a dream or desire of mine, that perhaps while it would be a “nice to have”, it wasn’t something that my heart really wanted. Yet, this past Sunday reminded me that it is more than just a “nice to have”, but instead is something that I yearn for. A family…

The difficult thing about hopes, dreams, desires, and yearnings is that…well…they’re just hopes, dreams, desires and yearnings. None of them are promised to us. None of them are certain to come to fruition. That in mind, I find it difficult to find the balance between the reality of what “is” and the possibilities of what could be. So, I instead try to err on the side of caution when thinking about yearnings of the heart, and try to be as realistic as possible, almost to the point of pessimism. At one point it was a conscious decision to deal with things this way. I’m far more optimistic by nature. These days, it feels more subconscious. I’ve trained myself. Again, I only do this with matters of the heart, and only to myself. I’m optimism’s cheerleader when it comes to most other things and most other people.

I just don’t know that I’ll ever have my own family, and I don’t know what good it does to hope that I will someday. Yet, I wish I could say that to not have my own family would be Ok with me.

Maybe I’ll get there.

My Visual DNA

It's been a quiet weekend at home. I thought it would suck, but in actuality it hasn't been so bad.

Anyway, to pass some time tonight I did the "My Visual DNA" test. It's a test where you look at different photographs and based on the question being asked, choose the photograph that registers with you the most. Below are the results of my test. I'm always quite surprised after these tests as for me, they tend to be fairly accurate (unless i'm dillusional and have horrible self-perception). Anyway, enjoy...


Mood: Easy Rider

You're a bit of a romantic and have a taste for the exotic. You love feeling the sea breeze in your hair, sun on your skin... Slip those shoes off... You like to kick back. When it comes to art, you appreciate precision and hard work - real craftsmanship. You appreciate the history of a piece, the stories that it holds - you are a touch sentimental! As for music, it's the soundtrack to your world. You like to unwind and switch off: it gives you a break from reality. Your choice of treat shows you love being a little bit naughty. Being good all the time is a bore. You've got a good sense of fun and maybe an infectious giggle.


Fun: Escape Artist

You love to be far away from your everyday life. You love the sun, and like to live life at a slower pace than most - you know how to take things nice and easy! When it comes to holidays, you'll take experience over comfort every time, whether under canvas or under the stars. You love the chance to be in the wilderness and the freedom of being in charge of where you're heading. What grosses you out? Good manners are essential. Prodding, poking and picking get your "Yuk" factor ticking.


Habits: Junkie Monkey

Even if you have a healthy approach to life, you still have your little vices that keep you going. It is all part of the routine, you're a creature of habit. You're not neurotic about making healthy choices... You've got more of an easy going and carefree approach to your lifestyle. and a sweet tooth too. As for the home, you favour a cosy, home spun look. you dig the D-I-Y vibe big time.



Love: Home Soul

You're a real home soul. You care deeply about family life and all that comes with it, the love of a child very special. When you think of freedom - you think of being in charge of your direction. The open road and a full tank can take you pretty much anywhere.

Bye-bye Dirty Laundry....I Never Loved You

So, I’ve done it. I’ve officially become a New Yorker, and by that I mean that I pay someone else quite a bit of money to do my laundry.

Now BEFORE YOU JUDGE….please know that doing laundry in a place like NYC is both expensive and an out and out pain in the rear. I suppose it’s not so bad if you have lots of time on your hands and live within a few blocks of a Laundromat. However, I have neither lots of time on my hands nor the desire to schlep my laundry all the way up to Broadway and 125. So, yes….every other Saturday I have someone come my to home, an extremely pleasant and very timely gentleman I might add, and whisk away the above bag filled with my many unmentionables. Two days later (or sometimes within 24 hours) he returns with my clothes nicely folded and my dress shirts and pants starched and hung on the neatest little hangers, which are only neat because they’re free! Well, that and the pants are hung on hangers that are designed to keep them from getting that unseemly hang wrinkle, which I dread!

Yes, this is a luxury. And yes, I feel quite blessed to be able to do such a thing. I try to take none of that for granted.

My laundry man comes tomorrow. I’m excited. I have dish towels and some new shirts that are in need of some eco-groovy skin-friendly satisfaction-guaranteed cleaning!

Glosoli

Glosoli is icelandic for "Glowing sole", and one of my favorite songs by one of my favorite bands "Sigur Ros". I love the video that Sigur Ros chose to use with this song. I love it because it's full of kids...kids leading kids. It's innocent, it's free of expectation and assumptions, it's uplifting, inspiring, and yet, unless you know icelandic, you have no idea what any of it means.

I've been listening to this song since last year. I'd play it whenever I was down, happy, anxious, and angry. Something about it just makes me....forget. Somehow, this song, everytime I hear it, reminds me of the things that really matter in life, which usually aren't the things i'm dwelling on. I don't know that that was Sigur Ros' intention, but that's what it does for me nonetheless. The children are free! :)

Thank God for music!

Sigur Ros....marry me!!

Reflections From Amish Country...

So my long weekend in Pennsylvania comes to a close. I’m actually writing this as I sit on the train heading back to the City. It was good to see my parents and to spend some quality time with them and the rest of my family. This was the first time that I’ve seen them since coming out to them a few months ago. For the most part, everything was still the same. But to be honest, I still felt a little odd, somewhat out of place. There was no real mention of the conversation we had a few months ago. On the one hand I didn’t want there to be, but on the other hand I feel like it’s needed. I want to know where they are in processing all of this. I want to know what they think now that they’ve had a few months to mull it over. I did make a few comments to my mom at times which somehow related to my being gay. She handled them quite well. I was also able to vent to her my concerns over the fact that my dad hasn’t said anything about the topic (to her or me) since the first week or so after I told him. It was nice being able to vent to her about it all.


I don't really know what to think. I should be so happy that my parents responded well to my coming out, and I truly am. But, being around them makes me realize how far we all have to go in this process. To be honest, there’s a part of me that wishes I could go back in time and undue it all. Since I can’t, there were times this weekend when I thought that it would be so much easier to just disappear. Yes, a copout I know, but easier nonetheless…at least on the surface. I want things to move so much faster than they are. I want to hear their conclusion on this whole gay and Christian topic. However, the truth is that they probably don’t have a conclusion, and it’s that open ended-ness (if that’s truly a word) that makes me uncomfortable/scared. Can they really handle having an openly gay son? It just doesn’t fit into the world and the circles that they travel in. Can the rest of my family handle having an openly gay member? Perhaps a better question is, am I capable of handling being openly gay around my family?


It's the unknown that I don't know how to handle. I'd rather keep my distance than risk being rejected. Keeping my distance comes so easily for me. I’ve been doing it for years. It’s second nature. Friends, family, everyone. I know how to keep people at bay. Sometimes in a conversation with a friend they’ll get the impression that I’m looking for their advice, or unsure about what I think or feel, or seeking to understand what they would do in a given instance. This happened in a conversation with a friend a few weeks ago which resulted in him saying “I can’t tell you what to do Bryan”. It was pretty funny (or not) because the truth is, I do that intentionally to limit the degree to which I have to express myself. I was successful at keeping him at bay. I’m quite aware of what I think, feel, and want to do. That being said, I can’t keep people at bay forever, and I know that. I need to stop doing that.


I want to busy myself with something. I'm headed back to nyc to a quieta partment and I feel the need to occupy my time with something, anything to avoid having to think about this stuff. Yet, thinking is what I’ll probably end up doing. This whole coming out thing is really only just beginning.

The below song by Feist is running through my head. I suppose because of several things going on in my life right now, not just the family stuff. The song is a little sad. But it you listen closely enough to the end, there's hope. There's always hope! :)

Water water on the seeds
To my left they rose and leaf
To my right cross Seven Seas

Maybe maybe they'll stay true
My seeds will cross and then take root
And leave you to an empty room
Lonely lonely that is you
Lonely lonely that is you

Paper paper obsolete
How will you reach out to me
I thought you'd ask me not to leave
Lonely lonely that is me
Lonely lonely that is me

Distance makes the heart grow weak
So that the mouth can barely speak
Except to those who hide their needs
And I have read the golden seal
That tell of how the seedlings feel
Reminds my heart what love can yield

By my only things are clear
Baby boy I'm staying here
Lonely lonely that was you
Lonely and so untrue

Just Couldn't Do It

So, I was going to begin using Xanga to do my blogging. I don't know why. Well, I mean they do have smiley faces! But, as I attempted to make the transition, familiarizing myself with the ins and outs of Xanga, emailing people to tell them about the new blog, trying to think of what my next entry would be, I kept coming back to this site, back to this blog...and I realized how much it's become a part of me. What I had hoped to do in this new blogging season was to be more transparent. I hoped to open my blog up to people that have, up until now, known very little about what my life has been like over the past few years...even though I’ve seen some of them quite often during that time. With that in mind, I can think of no better place to do that than right here, where they can read all about my past, and walk with me into the future. SO, i guess Another Side of Something continues...

New

Something happened to me when I came out to my mother a few days ago. To have her look into my tear filled eyes and say “…I don’t understand…but I will support you always…and I will never love you any less..” has changed me. In those moments it was as if all of those chains that held me, as if all of the ties that kept me beneath the surface, had been broken. The air I breathe, I breathe more deeply. I’m filled with new passion and purpose. I walk into the world with a new sense of being. I walk into the world with a new confidence, having seen and experienced on this earth, unconditional love.

There are times in our lives when God allows us the opportunity to catch a glimpse of what life is truly all about, times when we realize that who we are, what we do, and what we have to contribute, is about more than we can ever conceive of. It’s times like those that visions are born, that aspirations are realized, and that hearts and minds are opened. I’m experiencing this right now and it’s resulted in a new level of self-acceptance, and in turn, having only been back in the city for less than 24 hours I find myself being more expressive with others than I’ve ever been before. It’s nice.

In a reply to an email from a friend here in the city a few days ago I told her that I was gay. She and I started out at the same church when we moved to the city a few years ago. I suspected that she and a few of our other friends suspected but had just been waiting for me to tell them. Her response to me was quite awesome, and her prayers for me and my family as we travel down this road together are felt and appreciated.

I’m going to respond to her some time soon just to explain why it took me so long to spill the proverbial beans. I’m going to tell her that far more than knowing the intricate details of my sexuality, I first want people to know and to see that I absolutely, unequivocally, beyond all doubt, adore Jesus Christ. It’s my belief that just maybe when they can see Him in me, the conversation can truly begin.

From uncovering me, to another side of something. Here’s to a new chapter.

-Bryan

So here we are...

I’ve learned and experienced a lot over the past year. I learned what acceptance looks like from myself and others. I gained a wonderful understanding of what it truly means to love. I realized that some things are more difficult than they seem, and that others were never that difficult to begin with. I’ve learned to take more risks and to trust others. I’ve experienced some of my lowest lows and some of my highest highs. But most of all, I’ve learned that the journey is only just beginning.

When I began this blog I had lots to say but no way to say it. The words in my head that never seemed to make it through my lips flowed so easily onto my computer screen. My thoughts, my feelings, my hopes, fears, dreams, were so easily expressed right here. So, what’s the difference today? The thoughts, feelings, hopes, fears, dreams, and everything in between have suddenly found their way from my head, through my heart, and out of my mouth. I no longer feel as though I live under the covers. Instead, for the first time, I feel like I’m truly living. Now the things that I have to say are being said, but out there, on the streets, in the bars, in the coffee houses, lounges, cramped corners, subway cars, and church pews.

As I walked home tonight after hanging with some friends I recalled an episode of Sex and the City in which Carrie said “That's the thing about needs. Sometimes when you get them met, you don't need them anymore.” This blog has been a blessing, and the need has been met. It’s time to close this chapter and to begin the next.

I’ll see you “out there”. :)

Later,
Bryan

"Relying on God has to begin all over again, every day, as if nothing had yet been done..." -C.S. Lewis (a letter “To Ms. L”)

It's Been Some Time....

And it'll be just a bit longer!

Lots has been happening and lots continues to happen. I'm seeing God open certain doors and close others. Hmmm...i feel like I can truly say, meaning not just for the sake of drama, that this is the first time i've ever really allowed God to give me an answer to what the heck I should do. Things have always seemed to work out for me in the past inspite of my impatience, but this is the first time that I feel like i've truly "let go and let God". And guess what!?

It hurt like a mofo!

But I believe that I am, and will be, that much stronger in the end.

Anyway, I do have much to blog about, but it'll have to wait as I am...

OFF TO LONG BEACH, CA!!

WOOHOO!!!

Stay tuned....I may come back a blonde...

Later,
Bryan


PS: My birthday is March 28th. I take cash....

Holding Pattern

Holding Pattern: When Air Traffic Control has a flight turn away from the airport and remain at an assigned altitude instead of landing. The pilots then await further instructions.

A friend looked at me today and said ..."Are you OK? You've seemed a little melancholy the past few days."

I always find it slightly humorous when I realize that i'm not doing such a great job at hiding all of the things i'm trying to hide. I've been doing my best to carry a smile, and truth is, more often than not my smile hasn't been an artificial one. Yet, at the core of my emotions these days I am...well...melancholy. There's an emotional heaviness I carry which manifests itself behind each smile and within each laugh. These days I often find myself staring off into the distance, not really thinking of anything specific, but just existing in the moment. My brain is tired. My heart is tired. My body is tired. I'm in a holding pattern.

Holding pattern...in transition....in process...

These are all terms to describe where I am right now. I was preparing to land and then suddenly i'm turned away from the airport only to remain at some assigned altitude until I receive further instruction. At times I think that i'm neither the plane nor the pilot, but a mere passenger on this flight. Were I the plane or the pilot I might be tempted to land this thing myself. Yet, I find myself in a place where I am completly and totally reliant on God to direct my steps...to show me where to go, what to do, who to be, all the while trying to find the balance between faith and necessary action. I'm waiting to descend. I'm waiting anxiously for my feet to touch the ground and for "normal" life to resume.

So much is going on in my life right now, and it's funny to talk to the many groups of friends who know me as they all know small pieces of the much greater puzzle (although I suppose a new friend in Texas is probably more informed than most). :-) I suppose i'm just not up for small talk these days. Nor am I up for spending countless hours talking about myself. I know what i'm thinking, what i'm feeling, what i'm confused, hurt, frustrated, troubled, and happy about, and don't see the need to pour it out over and over again in conversation. As a result, I probably haven't been the best conversationalist in recent weeks as I just don't have much to say or do, but just listen. That being said, I suppose that this blog doesn't tell you much about what's actually going on in my world right now, nor does it adequately portray what's going through my head and my heart. Sorry!

I know that the process of being in process can mold and make us into bright shining lights, and I can feel and see the results of this all around me. Who knows what I will be when/if life returns to normal. Maybe this is my new normal. I don't know. My heart compels me to believe otherwise...

Side Streets, Home, and Abraham

Lots going on and way too much to blog about. So, as music is my thing, i'll let these songs tell the story of where i'm at on my behalf. Watch it in sequence...(when you have lots of free time)

The Journey

This year I’ve committed myself to finding a church to belong to. This is no easy task. Surprising as it may be the diversity of churches here in Manhattan really isn’t that great. Throw in the transient traits sometimes found in city dwellers my age (with whom regular church attendance is not high on their list of “to-do’s”) and finding a church and church community where you can love and be loved is rather difficult. At times this depresses me. It depresses me at times because my search is made all the more difficult by the fact that I’m gay. Finding a church in the city is hard as it is, but for me, finding a church in which I can be authentically me multiplies those difficulties ten fold.

Sometimes the trouble I face in finding a church to call my “spiritual” home brings about questions. I start to question if my being gay really is OK. I start to question why it is so difficult to find a place to belong among God’s children if I really do have a seat at the table. I find myself with questions like..Does God really love me the way that I am and more importantly, does he really not want me to change? I mean if this was OK, it wouldn’t be so hard….right? Surely this shouldn’t feel like such an uphill battle….

I look at my friends who stroll in and out of churches all across Manhattan, from one denomination to another with ease, and it hurts. It hurts when I watch them converse in a room with other Christians, all the while knowing that my sexuality and the beliefs I carry regarding it seemingly put me in another stratosphere. I don’t just want to be a part of the kingdom; I also want to feel like I’m a part of the kingdom, and too many times I don’t. Too many times I feel like the red headed step child who’s been ostracized for having red hair.

It's rough when the questions begin to flow. However, as I ask myself all of these questions I remember the path that brought me here, a path that was heavy laden with prayer, bible study, crying, more prayer, bible study, more crying, and more prayer. I remember the many many months of denial even when I felt that my being gay was really OK. I remember the many months of force feeding myself information about how wrong it was to be gay and how I could change if I really prayed and really tried because I couldn’t accept the truth I was seeing which said I really was OK. Then, I remember the day that I felt the love of God wrap its arms around me and tell me “I love you as you are”, and I remember the moment it truly sunk in and all became so clear.

When I think of the trials, frustrations, difficulties, and pain I face as a Christian who is gay I have to remember the author of my faith. I remember that the road which Christ walked was everything but smooth. He was rejected. He was scorned. He was labeled a lunatic, a liar, and deceived. I’m sure that He at times felt alone. I’m sure that at times his sadness was quite overwhelming. I’m sure that at times being the son of God on earth was “just too hard”. Yet, he was Christ, the Son of Man, the son of God. So, I can't look to the difficulties I face as a Christian who is gay as being indicators of whether i'm wrong or right. Instead, by the grace of God I view them as part of the process to understanding what it means to live a life for Christ, a life that is unique, that is powerful, that is authentic, that is perfected and refined in the fire.

More and more there are days when I look up at the sky. I remember who I am, all of me, and what I endure. And in those few seconds tears begin to well up in my eyes, for I am thankful.


When I stand before the Lord, I'll be standing alone. This journey is my own.Still I want man's advice, and I need man's approval, but this journey is my own Why would I want to live for man and pay the highest price? What would it mean to gain the world, only to lose my life?…..You can live for someone else, and it will only bring you pain. I can't even judge myself. Only the Lord can say, "Well done."

Sarah Groves – This Journey is My Own

The Signet Ring

When I was a junior or senior in college I had a dream one night. I sat on the ground Indian style facing a woman who appeared to be around my age at the time. As we sat, no words were spoken. I just watched her as she slowly took a paint brush in her hand and began to write something for me on a small piece of paper. As she slowly wrote on this small piece of paper I leaned in to see what it said. She was writing two bible verses. The first was from the book of Haggai. The second was a verse that I could not clearly discern.

I woke up the next morning, got myself ready, and headed to class, all the while feeling mesmerized by this mystical dream that seemed so out of the ordinary. To be honest, I didn’t even know if I would find the verses that I did remember from the dream as I had never heard of that book before. However, when I got home I opened my bible to Haggai and began to read the verses that I so clearly recalled.

“I will overthrow royal thrones, destroying the power of foreign kingdoms. I will overturn their chariots and charioteers. The horses will fall and their riders will kill each other. But when this happens, says the Lord Almighty, I will honor you, Zerubbabel son of Shealtiel, my servant. I will treat you like a signet ring on my finger, says the Lord, for I have specially chosen you. I, the Lord Almighty, have spoken!” Haggai 2: 22-23.

Now to the present.

Today I had a phone conversation with my mother. After we finished she called me 20 minutes later sounding a little teary eyed, and told me that she just had to call me to tell me that she has this overwhelming feeling that now is “my time”. That everything I’ve been wanting for, praying for, waiting for, is here…now. After I hung up I found myself both excited and troubled by this. Excited because, well, who wouldn’t get excited about seeing God do something great in their life? But troubled by that sinking feeling that she knew not what she spoke of. There was irony in knowing that the words she spoke so passionately related in some part to a piece of me that she may not be able to accept…my sexuality. But more importantly that conversation caused me to realize something that I have been trying to gracefully ignore.

My life is changing…quite rapidly...and there's nothing I can do about it. Am I in the beginning stages of a process similar to what Zerubbabel experienced all those centuries ago...becoming a signet ring on the finger of the Almighty?

Recently, a few people have said similar things to that which my mother said this morning. It feels good to hear, but the reality is quite "awkward" for lack of a better word. It is quite a peculiar feeling when you know that if you closed your eyes for only a moment that the world you would see when you opened them could be unrecognizable. It’s even more peculiar, that feeling of little control in knowing that such changes are divinely orchestrated and that your “assistance” is in no way required. In the process I find myself wanting to cling to what I can, wanting to maintain some sense of regularity. I find myself at times whispering beneath my breath… “God, I can’t do this…I don’t think I can do this!”

However, deep down I know that I can “do this”. I must. So, I let go…

I don't really know what it means to be a signet ring on His finger? It sounds like quite an honor.

Drum Roll Please

I hesitate to post this blog because once posted, it’s like writing this decision in stone. I suppose writing it in stone isn’t all that bad since I’m comfortable with the decision I’ve made.

Here goes…

I am not going to the Federated States of Micronesia for a year. I am staying in Manhattan.


*whew* There….said it!

See my earlier post for the reasons this decision was made so difficult.

I’ve spent this weekend speaking with friends, reading, praying, enjoying the company of family here in the Amish country of Pennsylvania. I came here for the express purpose of getting away and spending some quiet time with God as I tried to discern what I should do. It’s funny. I always get frustrated with myself when I set out to spend a few days of quiet time with God because my quiet time usually ends up being less like a few days and more like a few hours. However, my heart is in a different, more humble place during these times, and this weekend I found that through involving myself in other things and not focusing my thoughts on the many questions surrounding my going or staying the desires of my heart became quite clear.

While the FSM would be a wonderful opportunity, my life here is just beginning. Having never had a place my heart called home, having never been in this place of love and self-acceptance, “here” is where my heart longs to be, to grow, to know God more fully and His will for me. So, as disappointing as this may be to some of you who were hoping to live vicariously through me while in the FSM…you can pray for me as I move into this next stage of my journey, as the territory is just as unchartered as would be any experience i'd have in a small developing South Pacific nation.

I finally have a place to call home. :-)

….and so life begins…

The Fork In My Road

So this weekend I am on a retreat, a retreat to my parents house in Amish county that is. I came here to spend some quiet time away from the city, my friends, and all such influences that I might really have some time to think, pray, and discern God's will for me in the ongoing debate of whether I should leave the US and go to the FSM, or stay in NYC. Yes, I do love the FSM (see earlier post). It has garnered a part of my heart these past few months. However, I also love NYC and finally feel settled enough to call it home. More importantly, I am just now feeling like my life is beginning there.

These past two years have been spent settling into my life in the city, with a large portion of it being spent wrestling with my sexuality. I've finally reached a place of reconciliation and as a result am seeing dreams, goals, passions, and interests that had long since been placed on my mental and emotional backburner, come back to life. I've resurfaced. I'm finally ready to join a church, a bible study, spend time with my friends again, and do all the things that one could/should do when they have the superb opportunity to live in Manhattan. To date, a tourist visiting Manhattan for 3 days has probably done more in the city than I have in almost 2 years. My vision for the clothing company I began almost 3 years ago has returned, as has a new vision for starting a small non-profit here in the city. I love calling the city home. I love the fact that my heart is finally able to call the city home. Of all the things i've mentioned here, it really is only the beginning for the new authentic life I see as I envision the year ahead in Manhattan, a year (and a future) where I am free to be "me" in every sense of the word. I want to know what that looks like...what that feels like.

Is now the time to leave? Do I want to leave? Does God desire for me to leave?

These are the questions racing through my head and everyday I feel I have a different answer. When work frustrates me…

“that’s it I’m moving to the FSM…*bleep* this crap!”

When I see a nice pair of pants at the Republic of Banana…

“ *sigh* How can I leave this city?! These pants need me!”

However, I’ve found that such thinking, while fun, does not really answer the question at hand.

What I have found, or realized, is that regardless of the decision I make it will be made in total devotion to God and His call on my life. If I go, God goes with me. I will be and do all that He is asking of me in the FSM in great anticipation of the person I will become. If I stay, it will not be to enjoy just another year of complacency. That was needed for a season, but no more. I will involve myself in the world around me. By God’s grace I will allow the passions and drive he has given me to propel me into the next stage of my journey. I will be the Bryan I have always known that God was calling me to be, even as a little kid.

Jeremiah 29:11 - For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Virtually Exhausted

Last night I was able to chat with one of my best friends on instant messenger. I haven't spoken to her in any depth for about 3 months for reasons that are probably outside the scope of this blog. I will say that there was no falling out nor was there any sort of misunderstanding. Things just sort of fell off as I focused on processing some things that were going on in my own life. As I sat there on my wobbly futon, chatting away I couldn't help but carry a grin that spanned from ear to ear. Here I was, chatting online with someone who's known me for 8 years, who I've spent countless hours with, laughing, chatting, harassing, eating, and chilling. Talking to her online was a much-needed breath of fresh air.

I've met some amazing people these past few months, most of whom I’ve met online. These people span the globe and possess unique, wonderful, and captivating personalities. However, as I sat chatting with my friend last night I was finally able to put into words something I’ve been feeling for several months now but couldn't quite communicate. Talking online to people I don't know is a lot of work! I'm virtually exhausted.

In general while talking online I find it difficult to communicate my thoughts and feelings in writing.

"But Bryan...what about some of these wonderful blog's you've posted?! You seem to communicate quite well in writing!"

Well, in response to that I have a confession to make. I hate writing blog posts!

Ok, I don't hate it. Blog writing is my way of expressing my thoughts and feelings in a way that allows me to share those thoughts and feelings with others. However, doing so in a succinct and eloquent manner takes me quite some time and therefore, at times, really isn't all that enjoyable. If I could paint a picture or write a song to share with you instead, I'd do so in a heartbeat. Written communication really isn't my number one form of expression and is by far not my most enjoyable.

All that being said, written communication is vital as you befriend people you've never met. It is through your words that they get to know you. This for me presents a problem, as I don't often convey "me" accurately through written words, which often leaves false impressions regarding my thoughts, feelings, intent, personality, and character. Trying to combat that or correct it in the presence of a misunderstanding or comprehension failure during online communication with people I’ve never met can be exhausting.

It's just nice to talk to someone who can...

..specifically know, given the situation being discussed, what I mean when I say "..interesting" because they've heard me say it a million times under a million different circumstances.

..burst into laughter at my "LOL's" because they can truly picture me Laughing Out Loud

..because they know me, know my true intent in asking a question or making a statement

Someone who doesn't interpret the things that I say or my online actions as anything more than they are, and who when reading my words of disappointment, hurt, or confusion can simultaneously hear the confidence and strength in my voice and know that Bryan is just venting and as always he'll be just fine. I'd say that the past few weeks have resulted in a heightened sense of greatfullness for the friends in my everyday life who know me, sometimes better than I know myself.

As for the people I’ve come to know recently, well, they're quite wonderful! I have no doubt that they'd be just as wonderful in real life. I hope to one day be able to move from this online madness and partake in the joy of their physical presence.

I have many hugs to give!

You're Moving Where?!?!?!

Ever wanted to change the world? Yeah, neither did I!

So what compels a 25 year old guy with a great job, making great money, living in a great city with even greater friends and family close by, to drop it all and move to a small island in the South Pacific where he will live in an apartment with people he's never met and may not like, eat food he may not be able to stomach, re-live the early 90's with dial-up internet, have no cable TV, few modern amenities, and oh yeah, teach a bunch of teenagers some of whom may want nothing to do with him or a single thing he's going to teach!?

I've thought about this for quite some time actually. At times i've thought I had the answers only to realize that maybe I was wrong, and then began the process of thinking and praying all over again. Now almost 4 months later my heart delights in finally having found that answer. The answer is simply....

.. I Don't Know!

Ok, so not as profound as you were probably hoping, but hear me out....

For some reason my heart is in love with this place called the Federated States of Micronesia (the FSM). My friend Shawn can tell you that i've amassed so much knowledge about the FSM and it's inhabitatants that it's sometimes been scary. At first my desire to learn more about this tropical paradise was rooted in wanting to understand the experience he was having more intimately. However, as I studied and learned the details of this modern day garden of eden, I began to find myself wanting to experience it first hand. It was at that time that I learned of a Harvard affiliated organization whose sole purpose is to send educated men and women to developing nations to teach. Imagine my surprise upon finding out that not only did they have a dire need for teachers in the FSM, but that they specifically needed someone who could teach science. Having a Masters degree in Biochemistry and Molecular Biology with a Specialization in Biotechnology from Georgetown, and having worked as a Cancer Research Fellow at the National Cancer Institute of the National Institutes of Health, I immediately identified with the need that existed there. Fast forward almost 4 months later and I am accepted to this amazing program allowing me to teach in this great nation.

Will the road to the FSM be easy? Of course not. Will my time there be all cake and ice cream? I'd love to say yes but my PCV friends have more than confirmed that the answer will be no! Yet, me...Upper West Side Armani wearing me...is elated to kiss all of my comforts goodbye and move forward on this road to Pohnpei.

I'm not doing this to change the world. I'm not doing this because it will be easy. I'm not doing this because I don't think that there will be times that I miss "home" (wherever that is), my friends, my family, and the life I will have lead before I left. I realize that my life there will be different, and hope that afterwards it will never be the same.

We're all on a journey. We all move through life with purpose. Although our moving sometimes seems aimless, the purpose is not ours, but God's. It's hard to discern what we should and should not do as we travel along. Sometimes life becomes rough at best and human nature compels us to act somehow. So often I do act, all the while convincing myself that it's OK because God will not allow my "acting" to take me in a direction that He does not desire for me go in. Maybe that's true. Maybe it's not true. However, what I have found is that sometimes were it not for all of my "acting", "running", "over thinking", I would have experinced the tremendous peace (even joy) in the silence of life that only God can bring. So I move forward on this road to Pohnpei realizing that these are doors that only God could open and circumstances that only He could orchestrate. Yes it's scary and at times the present "comforts of home" are so much more enticing. However, I go forth knowing that He is with me.

As He continually inspires, perfects, and renews us, let us look to him for the Peace that surpasses all understanding, for the Joy that exceeds all sorrow, and for the Love that carries us through every trial.

Although our vision may be limited, His is limitless...