Thoughts on a subway car

If you know me then you know that my commute home on the train, while most often frustrating, can also provide me with a time of reflection, contemplation, and resolution. In those moments, as I listen to the music in my ipod...closed off to a world that would otherwise force its way in…I pray, I ponder, I laugh, I cry (inside at least), and I dream. The sounds and the smells of the underground become sweet music and pungent incense…ushering me into yet another world of deep thought and introspection.

Today, I stand tall in the center isle, quite proud of my gray Calvin Klein scarf wrapped loosely around my neck and decorating the ever popular green Armani blazer, clinging tightly to the bar in front of me. Wedged between at least 10 people, I think about the fact that were I to loose my grip..which at the time was quite possible..I would not fall. Sure, the startle of loosing my grip would be, well…startling. But yet, pinned between those bodies I am secure in knowing that those firm walls of flesh would not fail me, they would not/could not, let me fall. And in those few moments I am amazed at the striking similarities between my physical circumstance in that subway car, and the spiritual circumstances that exist in my world today.

Today, I stand in a world where I cling tightly to those things I thought I knew. The things I thought I wanted, the life I thought I desired and God desired of me, and the friends and the family that I would have changed myself to maintain. I hold onto them tightly, all the while knowing that my grip grows weaker and weaker with each passing day. I cry out to God, a plea to understand how this can be when I know He is with me, as though these things are out of His control and not part of my process. And in my heart I hear him say…

..“when all else falls away…hold onto me…for I will not let you fall.”

And in that moment…I close my eyes…knowing that although my world is changing, my hopes and my dreams morphing into something all together different…through all of this..He is working.

I suppose that part of “becoming” is letting go of our own expectations and realizing that great change is just that…change. And while the letting go can seem risky, and be all too painful…doing so to grab hold of Him, that I might be all He desires for me to be, is worth the risk and the pain. Not sometimes, but every time.

So, I let go….