The Fear of Authenticity and Answered Prayers

Anyone who knows me will tell you that I tend to have odd reactions to my emotions. For example, I once responded to a friend, after her heart felt “I love you, Bryan”, by telling her to shut up. Sorry C! I just don’t respond well to vulnerability, and I know that the cause is perhaps a lack of humility. I want others to see me the way that I would like to see myself. I want to be strong at all times. I want to be aware at all times. I never want to be caught off guard and I don’t want to let my emotional guard down. Yet, I have the sense enough to know that that’s plain stupid, and such thinking does more damage than it does good. Also, people almost always see the things we try to hide. We inevitably trip while trying not to look clumsy. We have a nervous break down while trying to appear well put together. Our confusion shows through when trying to look overly confident and self-assured. All of this behavior begs the ultimate question, what's the point?

I’m in a situation where I’m resisting something that I actually prayed for. I’m resisting it because I see things happening that I’m not sure what to do with. I don’t know what to make of what’s unfolding, and I’m frustrated because I have no control. I fear that I’m crazy. I fear that I’m misguided. I fear that maybe I’m neither crazy nor misguided, but that there’s really something to this. Yet, through it all, I pretend as though I’m not fearful at all, never uttering a word.

There seems a lesson to be learned here, and although I’m not always the best student, He’s always the best teacher, and he’s always teaching me something.

-Bryan