Sunday, December 31, 2006

Artsy Mojo

Did these today while chilling around the house with my roomates. It's not much but it kept me entertained.



Thursday, December 28, 2006

You Are the Sun

You are the sun shining down on everyone.
Light of the world giving light to everything I see
Beauty so brilliant I can hardly take it in
- Sarah Groves (You Are the Sun)



......“Be YOU” ...

I swear I’ve heard this at least 50 times this year from my good friend Shawn (a.k.a. SP, Shawnage, Shawnigan, PDiddy). It took me some time, but eventually I reached the point where I began to understand what that really meant. Understanding who “I” am is a continual process. One doesn’t deny a vital part of himself for 24 years only to turn around and accept himself fully in a matter of months. It’s a process that has involved more pain, excitement, anticipation, loneliness, and frustration than I’ve ever known. At times it has left me flat on my face, while at others it has left me floating on cloud 125…that’s right folks…there are clouds past 9!

As I sat in my room today thinking about all the stuff going on in my life, the many decisions that need to be made, the many people in my life that I’d like to include more fully, I stumbled upon a new blog entry by my friend Eric. Ok, I didn’t so much stumble upon it as I had already known he would post it and had been anxiously waiting for him to do so! I’m impatient and I make no qualms about it! As I read, I began to realize something about being “me”, something that I hope I will never forget. I am me today, in this moment, because of the many people, most of whom have entered my life this year, that have been by my side. I am “me” because of the many shoulders that I have leaned on, the many tears that have been shed on my behalf, the many thoughts and prayers that have gone up in my honor. To those people I say that I am me, simply, because you are You. You are encouraging. You are inspiring. You are captivating. You are visionaries. You are passionate. You are caring. You are loving. You are true fellowship. Though you span the globe, I carry you daily in my heart...your words, your smiles, and your spirits. As 2006 comes to a close, I can’t help but remember the many blessing I’ve seen as the result of knowing you.

So what, you may ask, does the title of this blog have to do with the content?

Well, as 2006 comes to a close there is one more thing I see quite clearly, perhaps more so than ever before. Unfortunately, at least in this instance, I am an artist by nature. I find it difficult to express certain things in words as I see them in vibrant colors and graphic depictions. So, while I would love to write something poetic and life-changing about who ultimately holds my heart and guides my steps, I’m afraid that my own words just don’t suffice. So, this song is as close as I could come. Don’t get too excited about the video though. It’s just circulating photographs, and intentionally so. It’s the words that really count.

(SP…I “borrowed” a photograph of yours… :-) ...)








You Are The Sun (Sarah Groves)

You are the sun shining down on everyone
Light of the world giving light to everything I see
Beauty so brilliant I can hardly take it in
And everywhere you are is warmth and light

And I am the moon with no light of my own
Still you have made me to shine
And as I glow in this cold dark night
I know I can’t be a light unless I turn my face to you

You are the sun shining down on everyone
Light of the world giving light to everything I see
Beauty so brilliant I can hardly take it in
And everywhere you are is warmth and light

And I am the moon with no light of my own
Still you have made me to shine
And as I glow in this cold dark night
I know I can’t be a light unless I turn my face to you

Shine on me with your light
Without you I’m a cold dark stone
Shine on me, I have no light of my own
You are the sun, you are the sun, you are the sun
And I am the moon

you have made me to shine
And as I glow in this cold dark night
I know I can’t be a light unless I turn my face to you
No I will never be a light unless I turn my face to you
No I will never be a light unless I turn my face to you
No I will never be a light unless I turn my face to you

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Work After A Holiday

....is very challenging when you're an IT Business Analyst for an Investment Bank. Among the things that i've seen while parusing the office today are:

- People showing off their Christmas gifts
- People watching TV (Judge Judy that is)
- People playing foosball (that's right...fooseball! I don't know how it made its way into the office but it's here on the table and people are playing it like it's going out of style.)
- People playing chess
- People playing checkers
- People playing cards
- People playing with toy guns

A hard working bunch they are!

As for me, I’ve been very diligent in my tasks. So far I’ve managed to look for hotels for my parents who are coming into town next week. I've also managed to pick up some packaging tape and some juicy fruit from the pharmacy. I even went to go to the post office. AND NOW I’m composing a new blog entry. When I leave at 2:30pm I’ll feel really good about myself and all of my accomplishments!!!!

I know! It's been a tough day, but someone's gotta keep that corporate wheel spinning! And DAMN IT it if it's me an my colleagues, we're certainly up for the challenge!



Let's keep up the good work!!



Sunday, December 24, 2006

Quiereme Tal Como Soy

This is my new favortie song by Lucero! In actuality, I think that the song was originally done by Sergio Fachelli. But either way, Lucero has a beautiful voice. Oh how I love her dearly....

Basically, the song is about being loved by someone who can love us for who we are, the good, the bad, and all of those things that we can't change about ourselves. It saying love me, but love me for who I am.




Yo soy así,
es mi forma de ser que te puedo decir amor
soy bueno,
soy malo a veces
y no puedo ser mejor.

Tengo mi cruz mis locuras
mis tardes oscuras, mi forma de hablar
soy bueno,
soy malo a veces
y no puedo ser mejor.

Quiéreme tal como soy
con mis noches y mis días
con mi manera de amar
con mis penas y alegrías.

Quiéreme tal como soy
y si no sigue adelante
nunca encontrarás amor
más amigo, más amante
quédate amor, pero antes
quiéreme tal como soy.

Piénsalo bien, es la cruel realidad
no te engañes, no hay nada que hacer
soy bueno,
soy malo a veces
y así es como voy a ser.

Quiéreme tal como soy
con mis noches y mis días
con mi manera de amar
con mis penas y alegrías.

Quiéreme tal como soy
y si no sigue adelante
nunca encontrarás amor
más amigo, más amante
quédate amor, pero antes
quiéreme tal como soy.

Saturday, December 23, 2006

A Little Reflexion

Yesterday in a conversation with my good Yapese friend Shawn P I said, “I've found it so funny how we can move so far from who we are, thinking that it's who God wants us to be, only to find that who we were is who he wanted us to be all along”.

That has been my reality over the past few months. It seems that every step forward is a step into something and someone that I once was, someone that I tried to stifle. As time goes by I see the richness in this person that God has created, the beauty in the spirit and the life that he has cared for through all of these years. I see the awesome guidance and the superb patience with which he has lead me, and in some ways it makes me ashamed. It makes me ashamed that I thought it was so important to be someone I’m not. It makes me ashamed that I valued things over life, love, and people. It makes me ashamed that I took the amazing gifts that he fashioned within me and decided that they were worthless. It makes me sad that I felt so lost and hurt that I thought such actions were my only options to true happiness.

As I move into the New Year, I realize that I am more of “myself” than I have been in quite some time. There are things, places, and people that I love that I had long since forgotten about. There are goals, desires, and passions that I thought has disappeared. I have become stronger and wiser. Yes, there are still many questions. For instance, I don’t quite know what “me” looks like as a devout Christian. I don’t really see too many of them dancing in cages at night clubs…but I could be wrong. I also don’t know what “me” looks like in a relationship, or how the real “me” will be received among the friends I have made in recent years.

What I do know is that I love passionately and relentlessly. I give until I have no more to give. I desire to see those I care for succeed in every way. I am strong but not overbearing. I am adaptable, but not so changeable. There are pieces of me that are more unique and more intriguing than I’d care to admit.

This world is full of people and places that will love me as I am, and no one under this sun is worth giving up the life that God has given ME to live.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

PS: SP! Papito! Maè! Sabes que eres una persona maravillosa. Siempre entiendes cosas dentro de mi que no entiendo. El Señor te usarà en maneras espectaculares. Pero tambien, creo que El te darà mas que se puede esperar. Yo sè que a la larga las cosas que estas experimentando solamente haràn la luz de dios brillar dentro de usted. Te quiero mucho!

How was that? ;-)

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

What the world makes me...

Some things are hard to do, but we do them anyway.
Some things are hard to say, but we say them anyway.
As life flies by, so do we,
tossed around in the wind,
with nothing to tie us to the ground,
and nothing to tie us to each other.
We are freer than we wish to be,
and require more solitude than we wish to embrace.

i've made up my own mind
I will do what I should...

it will be hard
it will be painful
but it will be done....

Friday, December 15, 2006

Sick


Man...being sick really stinks! My throat feels like it's on fire and my head feels like it could just explode. On the upside, my soar throat has manifested itself in my sounding like Barry White! So that's pretty cool!!

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

This is weird...

My friend Chas in the FSM posted this in a MySpace bulletin. For fun, I did one as well. Well, it's totally bizarre how accurate this crap is. Proof for yesterday's blog? Perhaps. Even still, it was fun to read the results.

PS: I put in the birth dates for a few others I know and it seemed to be pretty on the money for them as well. Weird!

Your Birthdate: March 28

You don't just believe in love at first site - you've experienced it.
You develop crushes pretty easily, but keeping your interest is another matter!
You are very prone to love - hate relationships.

Number of True Loves You'll Have: 1

Number of Times You'll Have Your Heart Broken: 6

You are most compatible with people born on the 1st, 10th, 19th, and 28th of the month.

Monday, December 11, 2006

Love, Life, and Rug Rats


Ok, I’m back.

So, I told my friend this morning that I don’t think I want to be in a relationship and I don’t think I want children. Truth is, I was being serious. Totally serious! I love being single. I love having no such commitments, making lots of money that I can spend on me and me alone (hey I’m 25 get off me) and being able to come, go, and do as I please. I watch my friends who are married or coupled and while I admire what they have, I do not admire their bickering, fighting, jealousy, and whole host of other issues that come along with being coupled. I just don’t! I enjoy my singleness, although I’m aware of the fact that being single in NYC does not produce as much of a sense of loneliness as it does in other places.

I’ve never been one to fall easily for anyone. In fact, it’s a rare occurrence. I can count on one hand the number of people that I’ve fallen for in my entire life (not to be confused with a little crush) and I would say of all those people, only two exceeded the definition of an extreme crush. I say all of that to say that I just can’t imagine connecting with someone that way who also connects with me. More so, I can’t imagine someone loving me with the same capacity with which I can love them, including my two major “fall fors”. Now, before I get the sympatheic “awwww….someone will love you..”, please know that I do not feel any degree of sadness when I make that statement. I am a firm believer that not everyone is meant to have someone. That’s totally cool with me! However, I do feel that my heart is not one for hopping from one guy to the next. It’s pretty dedicated in its focus and unfortunately, that type of dedication is not all that prevalent among gay guys my age. The ability to be that dedicated in love is something I can sense in people. I tend to pick up on it rather quickly in both men and women. It’s a gift of sorts and perhaps I should look into leaving my firm and working for the X-Men or something. Anyway, I’m totally fine being single and abstinent…that’s right I said it…abstinent!

All this being said, today I heard a cute gay guy make a statement about children and his desire for them. In that one moment I saw a possibility that I had written off. For just that one moment I saw the circumstances under which I could want all of the above things. I think those circumstances are pretty obvious here, but perhaps I’ll blog them out at a later date. Do I think the chances are slim…unfortunately! But you never know right!?

Hasta la tootles!

Sorry

I just don't have much to write for now. Lots going on...just nothing bloggable.

Any suggestion?!?!

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

A thought or two...


Eu sei! Algum de você lerá este e irritado muito no fato que não está em inglês. Não há muitos povos que lêem este “blog” que pode falar portugese. Entretanto, isto é justo um dia em que somente a lata portugese começa através da natureza verdadeira de meus sentimentos. Que são aqueles sentimentos exatamente? Eu não sei mesmo. Meus “hurts” principais, meus “hurts” do estômago, e minha noite foi enchida com os sonhos os mais maus possíveis. Pense sobre todos seus medos mais grandes e preocupe-os e encham-n então todos em uma noite de sonhar. Bem, aquela era minha noite. Era tanto divertimento!

Anyway, I think I need some more coffee....

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Just Because...

....an ode to her and her songs....




My Scarf




This is a hard post to make...

Today I am upset. Why am I upset? Because, it's winter time and i've finally come to the realization that I may not have the neck for my super long, super thick multi-colored knit scarf.

This is not just any scarf. It's vintage man.

That's right...vintage.

*sigh*

Why do bad necks happen to good people?

.....WHY?!
In light of all of this...the below lyrics seem more than appropriate...

I Will Remember You Lyrics
(by sarah mclachlan, seamus egan, and dave merenda)
I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Remember the good times that we had?
I let them slip away from us when things got bad
How clearly I first saw you smilin’ in the sun
Wanna feel your warmth upon me, I wanna be the one
I will remember you
Will you remember me?
D
on’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

I’m so tired but I can’t sleep
Standin’ on the edge of something much too deep
It’s funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
We are screaming inside, but we can’t be heard
But I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
I’m so afraid to love you, but more afraid to loose
Clinging to a past that doesn’t let me choose
Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night
You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light
And I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
And I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Weep not for the memories

Monday, December 04, 2006

A Pretty Good Year

I have a song in my head by Tori Amos. I used to be in love with her and I think I have every album she ever made before 2000. Why did I stop listening after 2000 you ask. Well, quite simply…while excellent, I found her music at times so depressing it made me want to take a long walk off a short pier. However, as a mature adult I’m finding myself falling in love with her all over again…only without the depressing wrist slitting part. No doubt that my resurgence in interest is due to a certain Nebraskan blogger who is in love with this woman, but regardless of what it is…she’s pretty cool peeps!

“A Pretty Good Year” is the song that’s playing over and over again in my head. Although I’m not sure what Tori’s intent was in writing this song, I can’t help but listen to it and recall the events of this year and my hopes for the next. I can’t help but laugh at the hilarity of life’s changes. It’s as though each year I find that the world which I thought existed, didn’t really exist at all. My perception of what is real and what is lasting was repeatedly proven to be just that, MY perception. So, I go through this holiday season and into the new year with a smile on my face that could light up any room.

Sure, I remember when my mom was in the hospital, yet again. I remember the first time I realized that many of the people I love the most will not accept my being gay. I remember when I struggled to understand why I was here and what life was really all about. I remember more questions than there were answers. I remember when I cried myself to sleep many nights at the thought of just how piss-poor things really seemed to be. I remember kicking myself for deciding to live with a child that wasn’t mine.

I also remember when my mom left the hospital with a clean bill of health. I remember when I realized that I do not exist to be accepted and loved by others, but to live for the one who created me and will love me unconditionally. I remember when I stopped trying to understand the cosmic purpose behind every detail of my existence…it made my brain hurt. I remember when I finally understood what it means to let go, what it means to embrace the questions and let life lead me to the answers. I remember when after a night of crying myself to sleep, a little 2 year old came up beside me while I was sitting on the floor...looked me in the eyes…and gave me an "it's ok" back pat that somehow renewed my sense of love and hope (I swear she knew).

So, I can go through this holiday season saying… "Yes Tori…it really was a pretty good year."

A pretty damn good year indeed!

Friday, December 01, 2006

Um tributo a meu Brasil

Algumas coisas são apenas mais doces em Brasil.






Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Swingset Chain

I think this song says it all.....

New York...

Today I realized that I tend to dislike New York in the Winter. Winter is only one season...



Monday, November 27, 2006

WHAT HAPPENED TO AIM!?


I remember the days shortly after I graduated from college when anyone and everyone was on instant messenger...every friend, every acquaintance, even my technologically challenged parents! No friend was ever farther than a 'ping' away, no matter the time of day. Now during the day AIM is a deserted wasteland of unused screen names and long forgotten icons.

WHAT HAPPENED?!

I blame it on corporate America with their rules and regulations against such forms of communication! I too have been harshly forbidden to use AIM while in the workplace. I too have sat twiddling my thumbs on a down day wishing for the good old days of AIM. I too have felt the painful sneer when asking a manager why the AIM download fails every time I try to install it.

Fortunately, i now have my dear friend Mr. Motorola Q with AIM capabilities to keep me entertained during such times!

Saturday, November 25, 2006

This Holiday Season

Visiting with my family this holiday season has been filled with a variety of emotions. Every time I come home to this beautiful big house in the Pennsylvania Amish country I’m taken back by the serenity that exists here. In addition to the beautiful countryside, it’s also a place that, for me, is overflowing with love as practically my entire family is within a 15 minute drive (a blessing and a curse you say….oh how true!).

However, there is also a certain degree of sorrow that exists in the midst of the laughter, the stories, the cooking and decorating together...sorrow in realizing that one day soon I will tell them that I am gay, and things will never be the same. See, I came out to my parents when I was 14. However, they just assumed that I was confused and swept it under the rug. It has never really been discussed since. However, now I am both happy to be who I am and have found tremendous peace in reconciling my faith and my sexuality. I am as far from confused as one can get. But, being that my entire family is chalk full of devout evangelical Christians of color, that will not fly in their ranks…no matter how confident I am in my relationship with Christ and his affirmation of me.

So, as I helped prepare thanksgiving dinner, as I hugged my relatives and played with my niece, as I spent a few hours alone last night setting up the 10ft Christmas tree, and as I decorate it with my mother tonight…I can’t help but realize that the man I love will never step foot in this beautiful house, and my children will never run though these yards. Hopefully my future guy will still be close to his family...

Hmmmm….sucks pretty bad!

That’s it…

Bryan

Friday, November 24, 2006

Hair!


So it's official. I've decided to grow my hair back out. I had been thinking about this for a while but hanging yesterday during thanksgiving with some relatives from Bermuda convinced me to go for it. For those who haven't known me for very long, I used to have lots more hair than the buzz cut I presently sport would suggest. Actually, I had hair down past my shoulders. I guess it's my mixed African American, Italian, and Native American ancestry that gave me such wavy locks...but whatever it was...i loved it!

So...i'm going back to my roots and letting it all hang out. Perhaps i'll dread it. Perhaps i'll kink it up into tight curls...who knows!! But what I do know is that the world is your oyster when your hair is blowing in the wind....oh yes...it is...!

Monday, November 20, 2006

Amish Country Here I Come!!

In only a few short days I go to visit my family in the Amish country of Pennsylvania where I grew up, to celebrate Thanksgiving. I am quite excited as I haven't left the city in almost 2 months. After a while island fever starts to set in. SO, in two days I will be trading in my latté and my Dolce suit for some sweet tea and overalls! HERE I COME AMISHes.... !!

The below photo was taken while sitting at the bank drive through the last time I visited home. Give it up for PA!



Sunday, November 19, 2006

Alliekins

As most of you know I live with two of my closest friends who i've known for 8 years. We went to college together. They are married and have a daughter Allie who is almost 2 1/2. She calls me "Uncle Byn". While living with a 2 year old that isn't your's can be a little difficult at times, i've been realizing more and more how much of a blessing (and practice for the future) it is to be in this situation. I really do love this kid!

Allie (or Alliekins as I call her) is adorable! I've been a regular part of her life since she was born and have lived with her since she turned one. On my worst days this kid has managed to bring a smile to my face and caused me to forget whatever trivial thing that only moments before I thought was so important.

Last night we sat on the couch and watched "Finding Nemo" (for the gazillionth time). As usual, she sat there with her arms around me..cuddled up as close as she could.

Thinking back on it now, it's those moments that serve as a reminder that the bad times can never out trump the good ones.

*sigh* Now to work on getting one of my own! Well, not like now but one day...











Too Big...

Sometimes the world is just too big… and i'm just too small...


Saturday, November 18, 2006

Dumb Quotes

So...my day has been fairly boring as I sit around the house waiting for night to fall. I did manage to do some cleaning though (see earlier post). Anyway, in an attempt to amuse myself I looked at a variety of dumb quotes from some of our best and brightest here in the USA and abroad. I hope you get as much of a laugh out of this crap as I did! Oh the joy....

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious."
- Alan Minter, Boxer

"I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness."
- Alicia Silverstone

"You guys line up alphabetically by height."
- Bill Peterson, Florida State football coach

"I have opinions of my own --strong opinions-- but I don't always agree with them."
- George Bush, former U.S. President

"I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada."
- Britney Spears

"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system!"
- Dan Quayle, on the concept of a manned mission to Mars

"First, it was not a strip bar, it was an erotic club. & And second, what can I say? I'm a night owl."
- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

"I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me."
- Andre Dawson on being a role model

" I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people."
- Dan Quayle

"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix."
- Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice President

"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight."
- George Gobel

"I don't diet. I just don't eat as much as I'd like to."
- Linda Evangelista, Supermodel

"If only faces could talk..."
- Pat Summerall, Sportscaster, during the Super Bowl

"It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago"
- Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice-President

Pledge

Note to self...

Lemon pledge works wonderfully on wood furniture.

That being said, unless you're interested in creating the ice rink effect...not such a good idea to use it on wood floors...







Friday, November 17, 2006

Uncertainty

Over the past few days, I’ve been realizing just how much uncertainty currently exists in my life. I have no idea what I’m doing tomorrow let alone 6 months from now. Making matters more uncomfortable are the things about which I actually AM certain. I am certain that I don't want to stay in Manhattan after next summer and I am certain that I don't want to do what I’m doing anymore career wise. Not only am I certain in these things, but this is the direction in which I strongly feel God leading me. Only questions are...what am I going to do? Where am I going to go?

Aside from possibly teaching in Pohnpei as a volunteer for 11 months, which also is not certain...by no fault of my own, I literally have no clue...no idea whatsoever. For the past month, I’d say that I’ve seen nothing in my future...nothing at all. It's one big foggy black haze that shrouds my vision, and for someone who has always done his best to plan every step, that's a little scary.

Nevertheless*, I’m finding that uncertainty is only uncomfortable when we think certainty is best.

There's something freeing in letting go of expectations, in saying..."i have no idea", because there is no greater experience of perfection, and no moment more breath taking, than that moment in which the fog disappears…and before you is the path and the plan...not that you have chosen...but that God has laid out for you. Sure, it may not always be easy, but in my heart, I am convinced that the path he has designed for me is far better than any I could create for myself.

So, I’m choosing to not freak out right now, to not stress over it all. And in doing so I'm finding that the saying really is true...sometimes ignorance is bliss...!

Hasta!'

* 'Nevertheless' is my new favorite word. You should see peoples’ faces when I say it in a conversation! It's like "whoa this guy's got some vocabulary to be able to use 'nevertheless' during general communication!”

No Ordinary Love / Cherish The Day


These are songs by Sade. Now, I thought everyone knew Sade because i grew up listening to her but over the years i've come to find that not everyone does. If you've never heard of her then that means your parents have done you a great disservice! just kidding. But she does have one of the most sultry voices i've ever heard...it's awe inspiring! In addition to her voice my dad used to always say that she had one of the greatest band of musicians in the world. Since both of my parents are professional musicians that's a pretty profound statement.

Anyway, the below two songs have been running through my head. SIDE NOTE: To a certain someone who may read this post and think that these songs are about him....trust me...they're not! :-)
******************************
******************************

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Dear Mr. Snickers Bar


Dear Mr. Snickers Bar:

Have I told you lately that I love you?
The very sight of you sends chills up my spine.
Your sweet caramel goodness sets me on fire.
Your velvety chocolate skin is a beauty like no other.

As I eye you through the crusty glass of the vending machine
I long to have you..
to hold you..
to know you...

But alas....i cannot...

...because I have no change...

*sigh*

A Mensroom Plea (together we CAN improve our aim)


I happen to work for a prestigious Investment Bank here in Manhattan. Were one to casually stroll through my office one would find countless flat panel LCDs tuned to various news stations and desks adorned with double flat panel monitors and the best in high tech gadgets. One would find men and women dressed to thoroughly impress and people waxing poetic on the greatest in management philosophy, technological innovation, and the world economy.

Now, take a walk with me if you will…to the men’s room (women you can come to).
As you stroll past the door you glance into the mirror on your left, checking yourself out. You want to make sure you look just as good at 2pm as you did when you arrived at noon…I mean….9am.

You procede through yet another door, headed to the urinals…and as you approach them your eyes behold the most vile and putrid set of urinals into which any man has ever relieved himself.

This my friends, is the bathroom which I am forced to visit at least once daily. Each time I go I pause for a second or two. Sometimes I pray, “dear Lord…please don’t let me slip and fall in the stream of urine that surrounds me”. Other times I just close my eyes and give it a go hoping that if I can’t see it then perhaps it really isn’t that bad. I am convinced that these urinals exist solely for decorative purposes, because they certainly aren’t being used! I mean, why pee into the porcelain pot when you can pee all around it?

I won’t describe the day my ID card fell into it all. It’s still too soon as it only happened a few short weeks ago. However, I think I cried as I stared at it lying there on the floor…somewhat yellow.

Anyway, I say all of this to say….Dear Employer…you make lots and lots of money every year. If we cannot make urinal etiquette a mandatory part of new hire training, or provide all male employees with a “how to” video of sorts, then perhaps we should consider at least hiring someone to CLEAN THE DAMN BATHROOM!!!

Friday, November 10, 2006

BI-SE I MO SHUIL




Bi-se i mo shuil
a Ri mhor na nduil
Lion thusa mo bheatha
mo cheadfai’s mo stuaim
Bi thusa i m’aigne
gach oiche’s gach la
Im chodladh no im dhuiseacht
lion me le do gra
Bi thusa mo threoru
i mbriathar is i mbeart
Fan thusa go deo liom is
coinnigh me ceart
Glac curam mar athair
is eist le mo ghui
Is tabhair domsa ait conai
istigh i do chroi


Translation
Be my eyes, O king of creation
Fill my life with understanding
And patience
Will You be my mind every night
And every day
Sleeping or awake
Fill me with Your love
Will You be my guidance
In my words and actions
Stay with me forever
And keep me on the right path
As my Father take care of me
And listen to my prayers
And give me a place
To live inside Your heart

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

The Dreadfullest Dread of all Dreadfulnesses


There is no more terrifying moment…no more horrendous occurrence…no more bloodcurdling event…than that moment in which your ipod battery runs out while in a packed subway car!

The anxiety that forms as the pulsating sound of your favorite remix slowly fades into the distance, being quickly replaced by the obnoxious grunts, sighs, outbursts, and fruitless conversations of the 75 plus passengers that tightly surround you can bring one to the very brink of insanity. I equate this mind altering experience to the experiences relived in such movies as “Open Water”, “Lord of the Flies”, or “Cast Away”. Suddenly I am left floating in an ocean of cold metal, glass, and ceramic tile…attacked on every side by screaming children, pushy passengers, obnoxious teens, and people from New Jersey.

Truthfully…I know not how I survived!
I glance over at the ipod-less woman beside me intensely focused on her best selling novel and I wonder… "HOW?!” She seems either totally unaware of her surroundings or completely content in this world of westernized sound. I glare at her curiously…somehow hoping that our eyes will meet and I’d glean from her some bit of insight, of erudition. But, I garner nothing. As the train slows and the doors open..i watch her as she slowly rises, closing her book, and pushes her way through the crowd (including the two men from Queens who have been discussing weight lifting etiquette for the past 20 minutes) and she is gone.

Approximately 15 minutes later I arrive at my destination. As I move through the car doors and onto the platform I breathe a sigh of great relief. *Actually, I practically dry humped a platform column*
Just another spectacular day in New York City!!

Monday, November 06, 2006

I'll Find You....I'll Hide Me


The title of this entry comes from the chorus of a song by a group I’ve recently come to love called “Loquat”. They have an amazing AMAZING sound! But, that’s beside the point.
They have a song called “Serial Mess” which, from what I understand, is actually about a dream in which a girl is being chased by a serial killer. I know…rather morbid concept, eh?? But regardless, aside from loving the music there’s a part in the chorus of this song that seems particularly poignant at this time in my life.

“It’s a game of hide and seek. I’ll find you…I’ll hide me…."

As I listen to the chorus, and then play it over again and again in my head, the concept of “I’ll find you…I’ll hide me” is an irresistible one.

As I listen, I realize that ultimately…this is what my life is about! It’s not about what I want or what I think I deserve. Nor is it about who I think I am. Through experience I’ve learned that often times what I want is actually not what I need and who I think I am is more often who I want to be. However, as I seek Him…finding Him…I discover that my true needs are met, and that life, while not without its difficulties, is rich! And in the process I realize that I am truly “me”, in Him.

So, as all else falls away I realize that there is life hiding in Him…and in being continuously found by the One who has and who always will, see me….

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Struggling to Find the Balance

These days I find myself struggling to find the balance between who I was and who I am. I’m not quite sure where one ends and the other begins. What’s authentic...what’s fabricated...what’s lasting. I’m not sure where the person I knew has gone, or if he even still exists?

All this talk of helping people, teaching, moving abroad, career changes..It’s all quite noble. It’s all very fascinating.

But is it me?

To date, I’ve been the guy you would catch chilling out in Union Square on a sunny day, or perusing through French Connection with a latté in one hand and my cell phone in the other. I’ve been the guy who loved New York City nights and the very idea of letting loose till 4am with 15 of my closest friends. I've been the guy with high hopes for an astounding corporate career and persistent dreams of an $800,000 one bedroom 750 square foot condo in the city (and a doorman if I could swing it).

To date, I have not been the guy who would visit a developing nation, let alone move to one. I have not been the guy who would sacrifice money and the material things I love for such an endeavor, no matter how noble the cause. To date, I never let my heart overstep the boundaries that my head had drawn…I made that mistake early on.

Thus far I have been bold, confident, strong, courageous, independent, and admirable.

Today, I feel weak, alone, uncertain, afraid, insignificant, and downright confused.

Who in the world am I!?

Change is good…it truly is. But sometimes too much change is just…too much!

-G'Night

Friday, November 03, 2006

Life in the South Pacific


This is something I have been thinking about a lot lately as I finish the application process to teach abroad. It is quite interesting thinking about spending at least a year in a region of the world that, truthfully, I never even considered going to. Yet here I am, beside myself at the prospect of being able to use the gifts God has given me to help others.

Interesting thing about moving abroad to "help others", is that I am thoroughly convinced that the people who are truly helped in such situations are the people who are going abroad, as opposed to the locals they will be interacting with. It is quite interesting the number of people who refer to what I will hopefully embark upon as "sacrificing" or "giving of myself for the good of others", as if the people I’m going to work, live, and commune with will not be "whole" until my glorious arrival. Now of course there is a certain degree of sacrifice involved with this process. That’s a given. I sacrifice my broadband internet which I love oh so dearly. I sacrifice the foods and the amenities I thought I could not live without. I sacrifice sleeping on a mattress in a beautiful apartment. I sacrifice all manner of efficient pest control. I sacrifice a very decent salary with a prestigious organization. I sacrifice the ability to see my family and friends for quite some time. I sacrifice many other things that I have yet to realize...some of which I probably will not realize until I leave.

However, what I am receiving in return is so much greater. Frankly, I imagine (and have been told) that through this experience I will find that of all these "sacrifices" will seem rather trivial in comparison to the extraordinary benefit of living and teaching in a developing nation. To live in place and with a people that do not value material things the way I am used to, that do not know the concept of racism, that value family and friendship over work and material wealth...that's quite the contrast from the world I’ve lived in for the past few years….quite a refreshing change! Living on one of the world’s most beautiful islands isn’t too shabby either!

All that being said, what I stand to do is not for everyone…not by any stretch of the imagination!!! I am not one of those people who believes that everyone should go volunteer abroad or something of the sort at least once in their lives...although I do see the benefits. Everyone brings to the table a different set of God given gifts, interests, and goals for themselves. Goodness...you could not have convinced me that I would ever consider doing what I’m doing six months ago. Yet here I am, not just considering it, but in love with the very idea of it all.

How things change! How we change!

Monday, October 30, 2006

Halloween 2006




So this weekend my roomates and I had a Halloween party that proved to be quite enteraining for a variety of reasons. As we typically do, we turned our apartment into a themed nightclub of sorts inclusive of blacklights, house music, a bar and much more. I've decided to post my top six observations from that party here...partially because i'm so bored at work right now that I could cry...and partially because, well...i'm so bored at work right now I could cry!

1. I should dress as an apache more often...i look good in a headdress!

2. Large Indian headdresses and heavy winds don't mix well, particularly when attempting to cross the street quickly to avoid oncoming traffic.

3. When a pregnant Jamaican woman who's husband just drug her an hour and a half away from their home in Far Rockaway (in the rain) comes to the bar and asks you for some cranberry juice...you damn well better have some cranberry juice.

4. New Guinea penis sheaths are so much fun!!!! (long story)

5. Small neon fish that glow under blacklights = very cool

6. Putting small neon fish that glow under blacklights in a margarita glass and leaving it at the bar with all the other drinks = not cool...not cool AT ALL!

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Oh, To Breathe Again...


So yesterday was kind of a piss poor day! It felt like everything that had been hovering around in my head and my heart just suddenly congealed and started oozing out of my eyeballs (sorry, that was the only metaphor I had). I was upset. I was irritated. I was very "emotional". *I’m ditching the term "emo" because I’ve realized that it's just one more word we use to pigeonhole men into some culturally defined idea of masculinity...i.e. men characteristically aren't supposed to be "emotional" so lets cut the word in half and use it as slang whenever a guy does anything outside the normal stereotypical activities of a male*. Anyway, today I feel much better.

Now granted, all of the same issues that existed yesterday exist today. Nothing in my life has miraculously changed. However, I was fortunate enough to be able to vent about certain frustrations in an email to a friend. No doubt that my friend now thinks I’m clinically insane and way too "emo" as he would put it...but still, putting down some of my most important thoughts in an email for someone else to read felt really good. So today, I feel invigorated. I feel the blood rushing through my veins. Suddenly life in the city is that much more exciting as are the things that lie ahead of me. My heart, which had felt stifled these past few weeks, suddenly feels free to do it's own thing...to live in the here and the now. I feel like myself again, with any emotional or mental changes that have taken place in recent months adding to the foundation of who I already was.

It's a wonderful feeling!!

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Le coeur a ses raisons que la raison ne connaît point


A good friend shot me this quote in an email that I read today. It's from Pascal. Its highly philosophical and therefore very thought provoking. Its quite deep, and I don't like it!!

See, I seek to apply such statements as medicine to an illness...although perhaps therein lies the problem. I expect to read something like this and to see what wounds, what scars, what ailments it is applicable to. In a way, I look to strong philosophical statements for wisdom from which I can derive answers. However, in reading this i'm left with more questions than I am answers.

Le coeur a ses raisons que la raison ne connaît point.- Translation: The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of

WHAT?! Thanks Pascal!! I could have told you that one!

If anything, this reminds me of just how many reasons my heart has which my reasoning knows nothing of! And that, my friends, is the complexity of emotion. We can control our thoughts and our actions, but feelings are often all together different animals. I myself have often said "emotions suck". I say it humorously and it usually gets a laugh from both myself and the hearer...but I often wonder if people realize how much I mean what i'm saying. I don't say it in jest, nor do I say it to be morose. I say it because it's how I truly feel.

The pain of wanting something for yourself, that no matter how noble, you can never have. The sorrow in watching someone you love struggle to survive and loose that battle. The hurt and anger in being taken advantage of and the questions that ensue as to what YOU could have done differently. The ache of caring for someone deeply who does not feel quite the same, and moreover, who you cannot see, hear, or touch. The awkwardness of caring what others think in spite of all attempts not to. The hurt of being rejected because of who you are and what you believe. Gosh..i could go on and on.

This is no picnic Pascal! But somehow I feel that you knew that, and perhaps it is from that knowledge that your statement was spawned. I will ponder over this a little more...

I am grateful to my friend for sharing this though. After all, the heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of...

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Thoughts on a subway car


If you know me then you know that my commute home on the train, while most often frustrating, can also provide me with a time of reflection, contemplation, and resolution. In those moments, as I listen to the music in my ipod...closed off to a world that would otherwise force its way in…I pray, I ponder, I laugh, I cry (inside at least), and I dream. The sounds and the smells of the underground become sweet music and pungent incense…ushering me into yet another world of deep thought and introspection.

Today, I stand tall in the center isle, quite proud of my gray Calvin Klein scarf wrapped loosely around my neck and decorating the ever popular green Armani blazer, clinging tightly to the bar in front of me. Wedged between at least 10 people, I think about the fact that were I to loose my grip..which at the time was quite possible..I would not fall. Sure, the startle of loosing my grip would be, well…startling. But yet, pinned between those bodies I am secure in knowing that those firm walls of flesh would not fail me, they would not/could not, let me fall. And in those few moments I am amazed at the striking similarities between my physical circumstance in that subway car, and the spiritual circumstances that exist in my world today.

Today, I stand in a world where I cling tightly to those things I thought I knew. The things I thought I wanted, the life I thought I desired and God desired of me, and the friends and the family that I would have changed myself to maintain. I hold onto them tightly, all the while knowing that my grip grows weaker and weaker with each passing day. I cry out to God, a plea to understand how this can be when I know He is with me, as though these things are out of His control and not part of my process. And in my heart I hear him say…

..“when all else falls away…hold onto me…for I will not let you fall.”

And in that moment…I close my eyes…knowing that although my world is changing, my hopes and my dreams morphing into something all together different…through all of this..He is working.

I suppose that part of “becoming” is letting go of our own expectations and realizing that great change is just that…change. And while the letting go can seem risky, and be all too painful…doing so to grab hold of Him, that I might be all He desires for me to be, is worth the risk and the pain. Not sometimes, but every time.

So, I let go….