Sunday, December 31, 2006

Artsy Mojo

Did these today while chilling around the house with my roomates. It's not much but it kept me entertained.



Thursday, December 28, 2006

You Are the Sun

You are the sun shining down on everyone.
Light of the world giving light to everything I see
Beauty so brilliant I can hardly take it in
- Sarah Groves (You Are the Sun)



......“Be YOU” ...

I swear I’ve heard this at least 50 times this year from my good friend Shawn (a.k.a. SP, Shawnage, Shawnigan, PDiddy). It took me some time, but eventually I reached the point where I began to understand what that really meant. Understanding who “I” am is a continual process. One doesn’t deny a vital part of himself for 24 years only to turn around and accept himself fully in a matter of months. It’s a process that has involved more pain, excitement, anticipation, loneliness, and frustration than I’ve ever known. At times it has left me flat on my face, while at others it has left me floating on cloud 125…that’s right folks…there are clouds past 9!

As I sat in my room today thinking about all the stuff going on in my life, the many decisions that need to be made, the many people in my life that I’d like to include more fully, I stumbled upon a new blog entry by my friend Eric. Ok, I didn’t so much stumble upon it as I had already known he would post it and had been anxiously waiting for him to do so! I’m impatient and I make no qualms about it! As I read, I began to realize something about being “me”, something that I hope I will never forget. I am me today, in this moment, because of the many people, most of whom have entered my life this year, that have been by my side. I am “me” because of the many shoulders that I have leaned on, the many tears that have been shed on my behalf, the many thoughts and prayers that have gone up in my honor. To those people I say that I am me, simply, because you are You. You are encouraging. You are inspiring. You are captivating. You are visionaries. You are passionate. You are caring. You are loving. You are true fellowship. Though you span the globe, I carry you daily in my heart...your words, your smiles, and your spirits. As 2006 comes to a close, I can’t help but remember the many blessing I’ve seen as the result of knowing you.

So what, you may ask, does the title of this blog have to do with the content?

Well, as 2006 comes to a close there is one more thing I see quite clearly, perhaps more so than ever before. Unfortunately, at least in this instance, I am an artist by nature. I find it difficult to express certain things in words as I see them in vibrant colors and graphic depictions. So, while I would love to write something poetic and life-changing about who ultimately holds my heart and guides my steps, I’m afraid that my own words just don’t suffice. So, this song is as close as I could come. Don’t get too excited about the video though. It’s just circulating photographs, and intentionally so. It’s the words that really count.

(SP…I “borrowed” a photograph of yours… :-) ...)








You Are The Sun (Sarah Groves)

You are the sun shining down on everyone
Light of the world giving light to everything I see
Beauty so brilliant I can hardly take it in
And everywhere you are is warmth and light

And I am the moon with no light of my own
Still you have made me to shine
And as I glow in this cold dark night
I know I can’t be a light unless I turn my face to you

You are the sun shining down on everyone
Light of the world giving light to everything I see
Beauty so brilliant I can hardly take it in
And everywhere you are is warmth and light

And I am the moon with no light of my own
Still you have made me to shine
And as I glow in this cold dark night
I know I can’t be a light unless I turn my face to you

Shine on me with your light
Without you I’m a cold dark stone
Shine on me, I have no light of my own
You are the sun, you are the sun, you are the sun
And I am the moon

you have made me to shine
And as I glow in this cold dark night
I know I can’t be a light unless I turn my face to you
No I will never be a light unless I turn my face to you
No I will never be a light unless I turn my face to you
No I will never be a light unless I turn my face to you

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Work After A Holiday

....is very challenging when you're an IT Business Analyst for an Investment Bank. Among the things that i've seen while parusing the office today are:

- People showing off their Christmas gifts
- People watching TV (Judge Judy that is)
- People playing foosball (that's right...fooseball! I don't know how it made its way into the office but it's here on the table and people are playing it like it's going out of style.)
- People playing chess
- People playing checkers
- People playing cards
- People playing with toy guns

A hard working bunch they are!

As for me, I’ve been very diligent in my tasks. So far I’ve managed to look for hotels for my parents who are coming into town next week. I've also managed to pick up some packaging tape and some juicy fruit from the pharmacy. I even went to go to the post office. AND NOW I’m composing a new blog entry. When I leave at 2:30pm I’ll feel really good about myself and all of my accomplishments!!!!

I know! It's been a tough day, but someone's gotta keep that corporate wheel spinning! And DAMN IT it if it's me an my colleagues, we're certainly up for the challenge!



Let's keep up the good work!!



Sunday, December 24, 2006

Quiereme Tal Como Soy

This is my new favortie song by Lucero! In actuality, I think that the song was originally done by Sergio Fachelli. But either way, Lucero has a beautiful voice. Oh how I love her dearly....

Basically, the song is about being loved by someone who can love us for who we are, the good, the bad, and all of those things that we can't change about ourselves. It saying love me, but love me for who I am.




Yo soy así,
es mi forma de ser que te puedo decir amor
soy bueno,
soy malo a veces
y no puedo ser mejor.

Tengo mi cruz mis locuras
mis tardes oscuras, mi forma de hablar
soy bueno,
soy malo a veces
y no puedo ser mejor.

Quiéreme tal como soy
con mis noches y mis días
con mi manera de amar
con mis penas y alegrías.

Quiéreme tal como soy
y si no sigue adelante
nunca encontrarás amor
más amigo, más amante
quédate amor, pero antes
quiéreme tal como soy.

Piénsalo bien, es la cruel realidad
no te engañes, no hay nada que hacer
soy bueno,
soy malo a veces
y así es como voy a ser.

Quiéreme tal como soy
con mis noches y mis días
con mi manera de amar
con mis penas y alegrías.

Quiéreme tal como soy
y si no sigue adelante
nunca encontrarás amor
más amigo, más amante
quédate amor, pero antes
quiéreme tal como soy.

Saturday, December 23, 2006

A Little Reflexion

Yesterday in a conversation with my good Yapese friend Shawn P I said, “I've found it so funny how we can move so far from who we are, thinking that it's who God wants us to be, only to find that who we were is who he wanted us to be all along”.

That has been my reality over the past few months. It seems that every step forward is a step into something and someone that I once was, someone that I tried to stifle. As time goes by I see the richness in this person that God has created, the beauty in the spirit and the life that he has cared for through all of these years. I see the awesome guidance and the superb patience with which he has lead me, and in some ways it makes me ashamed. It makes me ashamed that I thought it was so important to be someone I’m not. It makes me ashamed that I valued things over life, love, and people. It makes me ashamed that I took the amazing gifts that he fashioned within me and decided that they were worthless. It makes me sad that I felt so lost and hurt that I thought such actions were my only options to true happiness.

As I move into the New Year, I realize that I am more of “myself” than I have been in quite some time. There are things, places, and people that I love that I had long since forgotten about. There are goals, desires, and passions that I thought has disappeared. I have become stronger and wiser. Yes, there are still many questions. For instance, I don’t quite know what “me” looks like as a devout Christian. I don’t really see too many of them dancing in cages at night clubs…but I could be wrong. I also don’t know what “me” looks like in a relationship, or how the real “me” will be received among the friends I have made in recent years.

What I do know is that I love passionately and relentlessly. I give until I have no more to give. I desire to see those I care for succeed in every way. I am strong but not overbearing. I am adaptable, but not so changeable. There are pieces of me that are more unique and more intriguing than I’d care to admit.

This world is full of people and places that will love me as I am, and no one under this sun is worth giving up the life that God has given ME to live.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

PS: SP! Papito! Maè! Sabes que eres una persona maravillosa. Siempre entiendes cosas dentro de mi que no entiendo. El Señor te usarà en maneras espectaculares. Pero tambien, creo que El te darà mas que se puede esperar. Yo sè que a la larga las cosas que estas experimentando solamente haràn la luz de dios brillar dentro de usted. Te quiero mucho!

How was that? ;-)

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

What the world makes me...

Some things are hard to do, but we do them anyway.
Some things are hard to say, but we say them anyway.
As life flies by, so do we,
tossed around in the wind,
with nothing to tie us to the ground,
and nothing to tie us to each other.
We are freer than we wish to be,
and require more solitude than we wish to embrace.

i've made up my own mind
I will do what I should...

it will be hard
it will be painful
but it will be done....

Friday, December 15, 2006

Sick


Man...being sick really stinks! My throat feels like it's on fire and my head feels like it could just explode. On the upside, my soar throat has manifested itself in my sounding like Barry White! So that's pretty cool!!

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

This is weird...

My friend Chas in the FSM posted this in a MySpace bulletin. For fun, I did one as well. Well, it's totally bizarre how accurate this crap is. Proof for yesterday's blog? Perhaps. Even still, it was fun to read the results.

PS: I put in the birth dates for a few others I know and it seemed to be pretty on the money for them as well. Weird!

Your Birthdate: March 28

You don't just believe in love at first site - you've experienced it.
You develop crushes pretty easily, but keeping your interest is another matter!
You are very prone to love - hate relationships.

Number of True Loves You'll Have: 1

Number of Times You'll Have Your Heart Broken: 6

You are most compatible with people born on the 1st, 10th, 19th, and 28th of the month.

Monday, December 11, 2006

Love, Life, and Rug Rats


Ok, I’m back.

So, I told my friend this morning that I don’t think I want to be in a relationship and I don’t think I want children. Truth is, I was being serious. Totally serious! I love being single. I love having no such commitments, making lots of money that I can spend on me and me alone (hey I’m 25 get off me) and being able to come, go, and do as I please. I watch my friends who are married or coupled and while I admire what they have, I do not admire their bickering, fighting, jealousy, and whole host of other issues that come along with being coupled. I just don’t! I enjoy my singleness, although I’m aware of the fact that being single in NYC does not produce as much of a sense of loneliness as it does in other places.

I’ve never been one to fall easily for anyone. In fact, it’s a rare occurrence. I can count on one hand the number of people that I’ve fallen for in my entire life (not to be confused with a little crush) and I would say of all those people, only two exceeded the definition of an extreme crush. I say all of that to say that I just can’t imagine connecting with someone that way who also connects with me. More so, I can’t imagine someone loving me with the same capacity with which I can love them, including my two major “fall fors”. Now, before I get the sympatheic “awwww….someone will love you..”, please know that I do not feel any degree of sadness when I make that statement. I am a firm believer that not everyone is meant to have someone. That’s totally cool with me! However, I do feel that my heart is not one for hopping from one guy to the next. It’s pretty dedicated in its focus and unfortunately, that type of dedication is not all that prevalent among gay guys my age. The ability to be that dedicated in love is something I can sense in people. I tend to pick up on it rather quickly in both men and women. It’s a gift of sorts and perhaps I should look into leaving my firm and working for the X-Men or something. Anyway, I’m totally fine being single and abstinent…that’s right I said it…abstinent!

All this being said, today I heard a cute gay guy make a statement about children and his desire for them. In that one moment I saw a possibility that I had written off. For just that one moment I saw the circumstances under which I could want all of the above things. I think those circumstances are pretty obvious here, but perhaps I’ll blog them out at a later date. Do I think the chances are slim…unfortunately! But you never know right!?

Hasta la tootles!

Sorry

I just don't have much to write for now. Lots going on...just nothing bloggable.

Any suggestion?!?!

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

A thought or two...


Eu sei! Algum de você lerá este e irritado muito no fato que não está em inglês. Não há muitos povos que lêem este “blog” que pode falar portugese. Entretanto, isto é justo um dia em que somente a lata portugese começa através da natureza verdadeira de meus sentimentos. Que são aqueles sentimentos exatamente? Eu não sei mesmo. Meus “hurts” principais, meus “hurts” do estômago, e minha noite foi enchida com os sonhos os mais maus possíveis. Pense sobre todos seus medos mais grandes e preocupe-os e encham-n então todos em uma noite de sonhar. Bem, aquela era minha noite. Era tanto divertimento!

Anyway, I think I need some more coffee....

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Just Because...

....an ode to her and her songs....




My Scarf




This is a hard post to make...

Today I am upset. Why am I upset? Because, it's winter time and i've finally come to the realization that I may not have the neck for my super long, super thick multi-colored knit scarf.

This is not just any scarf. It's vintage man.

That's right...vintage.

*sigh*

Why do bad necks happen to good people?

.....WHY?!
In light of all of this...the below lyrics seem more than appropriate...

I Will Remember You Lyrics
(by sarah mclachlan, seamus egan, and dave merenda)
I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Remember the good times that we had?
I let them slip away from us when things got bad
How clearly I first saw you smilin’ in the sun
Wanna feel your warmth upon me, I wanna be the one
I will remember you
Will you remember me?
D
on’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

I’m so tired but I can’t sleep
Standin’ on the edge of something much too deep
It’s funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
We are screaming inside, but we can’t be heard
But I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
I’m so afraid to love you, but more afraid to loose
Clinging to a past that doesn’t let me choose
Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night
You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light
And I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
And I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Weep not for the memories

Monday, December 04, 2006

A Pretty Good Year

I have a song in my head by Tori Amos. I used to be in love with her and I think I have every album she ever made before 2000. Why did I stop listening after 2000 you ask. Well, quite simply…while excellent, I found her music at times so depressing it made me want to take a long walk off a short pier. However, as a mature adult I’m finding myself falling in love with her all over again…only without the depressing wrist slitting part. No doubt that my resurgence in interest is due to a certain Nebraskan blogger who is in love with this woman, but regardless of what it is…she’s pretty cool peeps!

“A Pretty Good Year” is the song that’s playing over and over again in my head. Although I’m not sure what Tori’s intent was in writing this song, I can’t help but listen to it and recall the events of this year and my hopes for the next. I can’t help but laugh at the hilarity of life’s changes. It’s as though each year I find that the world which I thought existed, didn’t really exist at all. My perception of what is real and what is lasting was repeatedly proven to be just that, MY perception. So, I go through this holiday season and into the new year with a smile on my face that could light up any room.

Sure, I remember when my mom was in the hospital, yet again. I remember the first time I realized that many of the people I love the most will not accept my being gay. I remember when I struggled to understand why I was here and what life was really all about. I remember more questions than there were answers. I remember when I cried myself to sleep many nights at the thought of just how piss-poor things really seemed to be. I remember kicking myself for deciding to live with a child that wasn’t mine.

I also remember when my mom left the hospital with a clean bill of health. I remember when I realized that I do not exist to be accepted and loved by others, but to live for the one who created me and will love me unconditionally. I remember when I stopped trying to understand the cosmic purpose behind every detail of my existence…it made my brain hurt. I remember when I finally understood what it means to let go, what it means to embrace the questions and let life lead me to the answers. I remember when after a night of crying myself to sleep, a little 2 year old came up beside me while I was sitting on the floor...looked me in the eyes…and gave me an "it's ok" back pat that somehow renewed my sense of love and hope (I swear she knew).

So, I can go through this holiday season saying… "Yes Tori…it really was a pretty good year."

A pretty damn good year indeed!

Friday, December 01, 2006

Um tributo a meu Brasil

Algumas coisas são apenas mais doces em Brasil.