Bad Blogger...BAD!

It’s been brought to my attention that I’ve been a very bad blogger these past few months. I can’t argue. I have been. In my defense I’ve been doing a lot of living and as a result haven’t had much time to put my thoughts and experiences up for everyone to see. Truth is, I don’t know when and if I’ll blog much from now on. I just don’t feel like I have anything worth while to say.

I often post music videos on my blog. It may seem weird, but music speaks to me in ways that nothing else does. When I’m feeling a certain way, often the first thing that comes to mind is a song. Sometimes it’s a song that I wrote or am creating in my head. Sometimes it’s someone else’s. Music is a powerful thing, and I’m always amazed at the fact that there really is a song for every occasion.

It’s been a great weekend for me, filled with good news and good friends. I’ve had a ball. Today as I was walking home from the train listening to a song called Kings and Queens by Apostle of Hustle, I somehow wandered into the thought of how awesome it would be to cap this weekend hand in hand with the love of my life. These types of experiences have been common for me lately. I don’t know if it’s the Fall or just par for the course in getting older, but it’s interesting to see all the random situations that make me think about the day when that someone will really be there. I don’t know who he’ll be or what “we’ll” be like together, but thinking about it is pretty exciting, because love is just, well, exciting. I suppose I’m more of a romantic than I give myself credit for.

I love this song, and it comes to mind whenever I think about love and that moment when you realize that you’ve fallen for someone. I fully intend to play this song one valentine’s day for guy I end up falling for. Hopefully we don’t know each other and he’s not a reader of this blog. Otherwise the surprise is totally ruined.

It’d be even more romantic if we met in a coffee shop. I guess a guy can only ask for so much.

The Fall

Across the oceans I will seek you
Across the sea and across the sky
The breeze by your side and the whisper in your ear
An essence of something sweeter
A passion born of yearning and despair
I will search for you
Until the earth swallows me whole
Until the wind destroys my stride

Who will hide your face from me?

And who will keep your heart in step with mine?

- Anonymous

Classic Coldplay...never gets old

Yellow



Clocks


Fix You


Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Life, or something like it...

It’s been a while since i’ve blogged. It’s been a crazy past few months and life has been pretty interesting as of late, in some ways good…in some ways bad. Work is insane, although it’s been more challenging (in a good way) than I can ever remember it being before. It’s good, but it’s tough, because in a group with 3 others who do what I do I’m supposedly the only one who has promise. The others may not even be around by the end of the year, not their decision of course, and the stress of trying to do everything perfectly as not to slip up and get grouped into the same category is starting to get to me. Of course there’s no shortage of sick relatives, as always, with my grandfather succumbing slowly to prostate cancer over the last few weeks. My mom is having major surgery in a few weeks. I managed to get into two pretty large fights in the same week, one with a good friend, and one with my best friend. I don’t know that my best friend and I will make amends, which after 10 years of friendship leaves me with very few words. Oh, and the economy sucks too…

So, why so grim a post? I don’t know. I think this was more for me than for anyone else. Sometimes it’s nice to just put it all out there, even when the only ones who will read it are strangers you’ll never know or see.

There’s something about adulthood that’s painful and pleasurable all at the same time. You realize that sometimes life sucks, but it doesn’t have to end there. What doesn’t kill you actually can make you stronger, and as an added benefit you can learn something in the process. I’m learning more than I care to right now, and I’m not sure what the end results will be.

C’est la vie. Enjoy the song...

Dudes are weird, and a little Kaskade

I know, i'm slacking on the posts these days. Things are a bit busy at the moment, and while I have many thoughts and experiences, I rarely find myself with the time or energy to blog them out in a meaningful way. I'll sum up my experiences as of late by simply saying "dudes are weird".

Moving on...I’m attending Kaskade’s New York City album release party at Mansion next Friday. Kaskade has a pretty interesting story. He’s Mormon, and there aren’t too many Mormon DJ’s on the worldwide club scene. He’s a neat guy, with inspiring music, and absolutely fantastic beats. Next Friday should be fun. Get his album.

madness....

Fighting in the Boardroom

Got in a fight with a friend today, which was made more awkward by the fact that she's a coworker, which is made even more awkward by the fact that it was in the middle of a meeting (sigh). This really hasn't been my week.

Tomorrow should be interesting. And I hope and pray that i'll be less irritated with her, and her with me, when the morning comes. In the back of my mind I know life is way to short to be angry over something like this. But, in the meantime, I can't seem to get this song out of my head.



I believe in peace
I believe in peace

Death Cab New Album - May 13th

It's like a book elegantly bound, but in a language that you can't read - just yet...

Sometimes when you're lost, you're closer than you think

if I was crying
in the van, with my friend
it was for freedom
from myself and from the land
I made a lot of mistakes
I made a lot of mistakes
I made a lot of mistakes
I made a lot of mistakes

you came to take us
all things go, all things go
to recreate us
all things grow, all things grow
we had our mindset
all things know, all things know
you had to find it
all things go, all things go

A Question or Two - Just Because

If you could take back something you’ve said to someone you know, with pride no longer an obstacle, what would it be?

If you knew that tomorrow was your last day on earth, and you could spend it with someone you know doing something you love, who would you spend it with and what would you do?

I’m thinking of my answers…

Realize

I heard Colbie Caillat recently, and I’m pretty taken back by her talent. As you can hear, her voice is phenomenal, and chicks who play the guitar always make me swoon (in a non-heterosexual kind of way).

I love songs that actually mean something and that actually speak to the human experience, as opposed to the nice sounding gobly gook that some musicians put out there. "Realize" is particularly beautiful, and speaks to an emotional place we’ve all been in at some point or another.

Almost Friday

Moments: #2 – Giving Away The Gay “Outting myself in Jiu Jitsu class”

During your action packed testosterone infused Jiu Jitsu class, instead of appropriately referring to it as your Gi

You proceed to ask... “Where can I get new pants for my costume?”

*sigh*

Week of Perpetual Indulgence

For the past few weeks I’ve been on a half-marathon training program. A few days a week I would get up in the morning and run, some days 2 miles, most days more like 5 or 6, slowly working my way up to 13. However, for some reason over the past three weeks it became difficult to follow my training plan, culminating last week in major difficulty getting out to run, little energy while running, and even more difficulty resisting my desire to stuff my face with all things soaked in sugar and saturated fat. Of course the logical response to this weakening of the will is to just fight harder. But, who needs logic? So, I decided that I’d give in. For one week I’ve let myself indulge until I could indulge no more. I can’t say that there was much this week that I wanted that I didn’t allow myself to have, and that extends beyond the realm of food. If I thought about it, and it was within my control to attain, I did it, ate it, indulged in it. I did it all, and in excess.

So, what’s the end result of a week of perpetual indulgence? A sick stomach. Trouble sleeping. A guilty conscious. Zero energy. And a much greater appreciation for the spiritual practice of self-control. fun….

Starting Sunday I’m back on the wagon, with a 20+ mile running week, Jiu Jitsu classes on Monday and Wednesday, and a goal to limit my sugar intake drastically. Was this a good week? In some ways. It’s always refreshing to be reminded that I don’t always know what’s best for me or what the hell I’m doing, while gaining a newfound appreciation for the fact that God does. What a relief.

Sunday can’t come fast enough....



And if you get lost I'll always find you
You're all that I need your heart will keep you true
My only you

(insert witty title here)

Today has been a bit awkward in that I’ve spent it down in the dumps. I’m not sure why. It’s beautiful outside, a picturesque spring afternoon, and nothing has happened to make me feel blue. Yet, I do feel a bit blue. Bahumbug!

On days like this, where I wish I were home lying in bed, staring up at the ceiling, and thinking about nothing, I also wish there were someone that I could lie in bed and stare up at the ceiling with. I don’t know why the thought of intimacy makes the down days better, but it does.

However, since I’m single again (story for another blog, and no I wasn’t dumped…gotta save face, even online), I’ll trade holding someone I love for holding onto a chocolate chip cookie. That's fair compensation, no? I think I’ve earned it. Sort of.

Ok I had cookies last night for dinner...

Prolonging the Inevitable

Lots to write about, but little energy to write with. That just means that i'll have quite the doosey when I do sit down to blog something worthwhile. But, in the meantime, here's a video of the 2008 pillow fight in Union Square...you know...because it's so relevant...

Birthdays Are For Winners

Today is my birthday, and as any good New Yorker would do, i'm celebrating it by leaving New York (city that is).

If anyone needs me i'll be communing with nature in the Catskills (or something...)

I'll Take The Round Peg Please

"You can’t fit a square peg into a round hole"

I’ve heard that saying a million times, and I’ve often applied it to my own life. Every time I did so, I was the square peg and life as I knew it, work, church, and certain friends, were the hole. Yet, life isn’t perfect. Sometimes we have grandiose ideas of what we’d like to achieve and who we’d like to become. In mine, I was a partnered father of two with a house in Connecticut and a successful interior design firm in the city. In my grandiose ideas life is fun, and comfortable, full of creativity and passion. Now, take a look at reality, in which I’m a single guy in New York City with a pretty good career in investment banking. No present partner and no where near getting one. No kids and no where near having any. And no interior design firm and, you guessed it, no where near having one. Life is sometimes boring. I’m sometimes much more lonely than I’d like to be. Community, good and persistent community, is very hard to come by, and sometimes I don’t know why the hell I’m still here. That is my life, and although at times I wish it were different, it is what it is and it’s really not too shabby.

It can be difficult to realize that the world you created in your head when you were young isn’t the world you were meant to have, and that that life isn’t the one you were meant to live. However, focusing on that can cause one to miss out on the life and the world which exists right before ones eyes. When I was a kid I was creative and passionate about all sorts of things that seemed to have disappeared when I became an adult. Truth is that creativity and passion are still there. As a kid such things were pretty much all of me. As an adult, they’re just a part of me. I’m ok with that. That’s how it’s supposed to be.

The round hole has really been me, while the square peg has been my expectations, and i'm tired of trying to make my life conform to my expectations. I guess I’m reaching the end of my quarter-life crisis, and to it I bid adeu.

- Bryan

I'm Ready...

...for the weekend...



Switch me on
Turn me up

Goldfrapp On The Brain

It’s odd how much social networking sites like myspace and facebook, as well as email and text messages, have connected us in a way that when we’re not “virtually around” it’s the equivalent of having fallen off the face of the earth. I’ve been virtually MIA lately, at least that’s what I’ve heard, as I’ve found myself having infrequent communication with friends via any of these methods. Those who have experienced my distance the most, I suppose, have been those friends who live far away. I made an attempt this week to resurface by reactivating my facebook account, only to feel more content by deactivating it again.

It’s nice having so many friends who live all over the United States. Yet, sometimes I feel like something is missing, and that I expect things from those relationships that the distance makes impossible. I’ve said it before, but I feel like I invest too much in people who can never be more than a plane ride away, and too little in those who are here. Makes sense, at least for me. It’s much easier to be transparent with someone who can’t actually see and experience your transparency. But, I’m finding that email, text messages, and phone calls can only do so much. It’s the smile, the smell, the touch, the laugh, the expressions of joy, sorrow, excitement, discontentment that I need these days. It’s kinda nice to be with people who know what the face you just made really means, and that kind of knowing someone takes time…time together.

In the technological age its become so easy to equate phone calls, emails, and IM conversations to time spent together, one on one, face to face. I suppose it can be a substitute when it’s with someone you’ve already spent significant time with, like my phone conversations with a close friend from college who lives in Pennsylvania. But, right now, anything outside of that seems to fall short. Not a waste of time, just…not enough, and not satisfying.

So, I’m Goldfrapping it…



I was feeling lonely, feeling low
Feeling like I needed you
Like I hoped you'd call and hoped you'd see me

Daydreamin'

It’s easy to think about day dreaming as a simple and meaningless escape, and no doubt, sometimes it really is. But, sometimes it just serves as a way to hang onto thoughts, feelings, experiences, and people, that we really need to let go of. How many times have you day dreamed about a date with that guy you like but doesn't like you, or that house you want but can't afford, or what you’d do with that bonus you probably won't get, or that car you can’t afford, or some form of intimacy with that person you can’t have? I do it all the time. Sometimes it’s meaningless, but sometimes it creates expectations that will probably never be fulfilled. Just as important, it sets up expectations of that “thing” you’re day dreaming about which that “thing” may never be able to meet.

Yesterday on the train this guy was standing next to me. He kept checking me out while trying to pretend to read his newspaper. I only knew this because, well, he was cute and tall and I was kind of checking him out too. At one point I looked at him when he was glaring at me and we both started laughing. He had such a great smile. Two seconds later it was my stop, so I got off, and that was the end of it.

What does this story have to do with daydreaming? Well, similar experiences to the above have occurred a few times in the past two weeks, and BOY has it been fun! But at some point last night between talking to a friend about how to accessorize her home (so gay) and trying to decide what my weekend plans would consist of, I realized that nothing ever materialized over the past two weeks because 1) I’m shy, and 2) none of the guys I’ve flirted with, talked to, or chilled out with were like the ones I envision in my ridiculously romantic daydreams, or as seemingly compatible with me as my friend that I had feeli…eh, we all know that story by now. No guy will meet the criteria of the one in my head, and they shouldn’t have to, but…tell that to my overly shy refuses to “date” would rather fall in love with a friend, head. Something's gotta give.

So, the moral of the story is that every time you daydream a puppy dies…

Bryan

Birthday Ideas...

My passport came today, which is shocking considering that I just submitted the application last week. However, my dream of a birthday in Montreal is still out of the question since none of my friends can afford to go to Montreal with 3 weeks notice. I’ve decided that the lounge thing just isn’t in me this year. The idea of planning it is exhausting. The more I think about it, the more I want to do something outside of New York City anyway. So far I’ve considered Rockland County NY, Portland OR, Seattle WA, Las Vegas NV, even Austin TX for heavens sake (no offense to Austin as I’m sure it’s a great little town!). I’d like to include friends in whatever I do, but that puts anywhere outside of the greater NYC area out of the question. At one point I thought, “hey maybe I’ll go camping upstate!!” But that was a no go. I love the outdoors. I can be outdoors for hours upon hours and part of my looking at the places I have so far is due to the fact that they have lots to do outdoors. However, I’ve always been a firm believer that doing things outdoors is that much more fun when you can retreat to the comfort of the indoors at the end of the day. From this I will not be swayed!

As I’m thinking about it, maybe I can travel somewhere for my birthday, but do so with the intent to give back to others in some way shape or form. What better way to celebrate the life you’ve been given than to use it to bless someone else’s. I’d still be away, maybe with friends (most likely only if I travel to a GCN hotspot) and maybe that in itself would be celebration enough. Perhaps this is something to explore…

- Bryan

Intuition

Happy Birth Month!

On March 28th 2008 I will be...you may want to sit down for this...27!!!

Not quite sure what I’m doing yet. Of the things that I’ve considered are:

-Having a party at a lounge
-A dinner cruise around the city with a few close friends
-Packing up and leaving town for a nice long weekend.

Right now, I'm leaning towards going out of town since that's the least amount of hassle. A friend suggested I get some people together and head to Montreal since it's only an hour and a half away. I LOVED that idea! But alas, my passport hasn't arrived yet. Plus, it's a little short notice to get enough friends together to make it worth it. I could head to Southern California! But, it would do me well to experience another part of the US, preferably one I haven't visited every year since 2003.

Regardless of where I go or what I do, as I approach my birthday this month i'm just trying to remember what matters most...that I'm aging gracefully.

Cheers!
Bryan

Good Day New York

As I lie in bed this morning, taking in all of the sunlight that comes in through my windows (thank God for the gift of unobstructed sky in Manhattan!), listening to the sounds of the street below, I thought about how much New York feels like home with each year that passes by. I still have my moments when I think about the cost and other sacrifices I make to live here. The amount that I pay for my tiny apartment could get me a really big house elswhere. And coming from the Pennsylvania suburbs, I know that in many ways life would be much simpler elsewhere. That is what, at times, makes staying here so difficult. Sure, I have my laundry washed and folded (which of course costs $), but that's because there's no laundry in my building and sitting at a laundromat for 3 - 4 hours when you hate doing laundry in the first place is far from appealing. I'd much rather have a washer and dryer in my apartment. Yes, we New Yorkers can take public transportation everywhere, but public transportation can be a major pain. There are many days when I wish I were driving to my destination in the privacy of my own car rather than packed like a sardine in a subway car which is sitting in the tunnel because of "train traffic ahead". Or the simple fact that it takes 35-40 minutes to get to work, when meanwhile work is less than 4 miles away.

Sacrifices are a part of life no matter where you are, and after continuously evaluating those sacrifices since moving here in 2005, I always come to the conclusion that the sacrifices I make here are well worth it. I may not call New York home forever, but i’m happy to call it home for now.

-Bryan

PS: In case you're wondering what the above picture has to do with NYC, it's actually a picture taken in Fort Tyron Park, here in Manhattan.

Giving Up - The Sequel

I received excellent advice today from a friend. He said “…don't continue to let the "fantasy" of what's created in your own mind be a blindspot to what you deserve.”

He also said, “Live for today...you can't predict tomorrow.”

It’s all very simple yet profound advice.

So, I give up. That’s Ok with me. It’s a good thing.

Moments: #1 – Giving Away The Gay “Outting myself at work”

A conversation yesterday with a guy friend from work


Bryan: I can’t WAIT until March 20th

Vivy: Why? Oh let me guess. It’s the first day of spring….!

Bryan: Yup!

Vivy: Oh PLEASE!

Bryan: What?!

Vivy: That is so bogus! March 20th is such an arbitrary man made number. Who says that’s the first day of spring?!?!

Bryan: Ummm….JESUS!

Vivy: (cold stare)

Bryan: Ok maybe not. But still! It’s the first official day of Spring! It may not be warm outside but everyone knows that after March 20th it soon will be. That’s why everyone looks forward to it!

Vivy: Why do we always need to look ahead to when things WILL be good, why can’t we just enjoy the here and now. Why do we need to define the seasons at all?!?!

Bryan: We have to define the seasons…

Vivy: what?! WHY?!

Bryan: Dude! We HAVE To. What would the fashion industry do without defined seasons!?!?!

Bryan: What….are we gonna say “Oh look it’s the getting slightly cooler and the leaves are changing colors 2008 collection” Or let me guess “It’s the look the weather is becoming nice and temperate while the flowers are starting to grow 2008 collection”

Bryan: That’s RIDICULOUS!

Vivy: (silence)

Bryan: …........

Bryan: ....what?

Giving Up?

I’ve had this question floating around in my mind for the last few days, although it didn’t actually become a question that I could verbalize until a minute ago. The question is, when do you give up? It could be giving up on a person, on a situation, a job, a love, a dream. When do you finally say “…enough is enough. I give up”? I mean, I know we’re always told from the time we’re wee babes that giving up is not an option, that it’s a cop out. But, sometimes giving up is the right thing to do. Sometimes it’s the only thing to do.

Do you give up on that person, situation, job, love, dream even when your gut tells you, contrary to your experience, that what you want is attainable? Our guts aren’t always right, at least mine isn’t. Sometimes following your gut only makes things worse. So, when your gut says give it time, do you listen?

I’m very black and white. I like to fully understand how I feel and what I think, and then decide on a course of action. It’s my being black and white that makes me want to say “I give up” or “I won’t give up”, and not knowing which position to take makes me quite frustrated. There are things that I want to give up, things that seem like lost causes, but my gut says “don’t”. Shut up gut!

Maybe “gut” and “hope” are one in the same? Both can lead us to tremendous joy, or tremendous sorrow. The tricky part is deciding which outcome is worth the risk.

- Bryan

No hidden meaning...

...just good music.



I'm crying everyone's tears
I have already paid for all my future sins
There's nothing anyone
Can say to take this away
It's just another day and nothing's any good




Began an end today
Gave and got given
You made a friend today
Kindred soul cracked spirit

Here's to Love

I should be pretty down today. The day was full of hearing things I didn’t want to hear, preparing to face things I really didn’t want to face, being presented with decisions that I’m really not ready to make (nor know how to), and to top it all off I did something really stupid…surprise surprise. Part of me wants to crawl into bed and stay there until someone comes and drags me out. Yet, I’m feeling pretty good right now. That could be the cookies I just ate, but…actually yeah, it’s probably the cookies I just ate. But in all seriousness, it’s cool when you can love someone enough to say "even if it’s not with me, the thought of you being happy makes me incredibly happy". That’s what I experienced tonight for the first time, and it’s put such a smile on my face.

So, although it’s a tad bit late for Valentines day, here’s to love in its many forms. Love may not always come the way we want it, but that doesn’t mean it’s unrequited.

- Bryan

Über Gay, Über Emo, And ÜBER Cute

The Necessity of Disappointment

For some reason I’ve found myself blogging like a mofo over the past few days/weeks. It really has been an outlet for many things, though I imagine that once the Spring kicks in I’ll have much less to say on here and far more to say and do “out there”. In my defense I have had a lot going on. Work has been a bit nuts with all of us wondering who will get the boot and when once new management takes over. I also find myself with more commitments through out the city over the next few weeks than I care to be a part of.

I just find myself annoyed tonight, and it’s mostly with a friend. I just need to chill out I’m sure. People are people, and sometimes people disappoint us in incredible ways. He’s an awesome guy, and a good friend. I guess I just expected him to realize how important something was to me, and he hasn’t. It seems like yet another example of why I shouldn’t put so much faith in people, friends included.

Maybe beneath the irritation is hurt? I don’t know. I can’t really tell the difference.

Peace,
Bryan

What I do when I can't sleep...

...I write...


Live to love the piece of me that throws away the mystery of you.
Search and find the heart of me that grows and casts its net so close to yours

Love to live the deep regret that seems to swarm around this thread that binds us
Life, to love, to live, to leave the joy of which misery fails to remind us

Still, the life that love will not forget has bound us tighter, closer
I in you, and you in me, where grace abounds and stifles all life’s fury

Live to love the piece of me that welcomes home the mystery of you

(Insert Uber Gay and Uncreative Title Here)

So i'm not going back to New York City with a brand new house townhouse in the amish country.

BUT I AM GOING BACK WITH MY CAR!!!!!

Isn't she lovely!? That was a rhetorical question by the way. I don't want you PT Cruiser haters downing my high.

I loved not having to drive when I first moved to NYC. I still love not HAVING to drive. But I also miss the freedom of having a car, and feeling like more is available to me than where I can get to in a crowded subway car or Amtrak train. I have friends who vouch for how different life is with a car in Manhattan. One says it completely changed her outlook on life in Manhattan when she and her husband got their car. It's not quite that drastic for me, but i'm very excited nonetheless. I'm picturing many spring and summer evenings spent on the banks of the Long Island Sound in Westchester, NY and Connecticut. Let the good times roll!*

- Bryan

* I can't believe I wrote that... Who under the age of 53 says "let the good times roll"?! What a dork.

Sunday Morning Reflections

I woke up this Sunday morning, my brain flooded by a number of thoughts. Thoughts like:

- I wonder when everyone will leave for church and I’ll have the house all to myself for a few hours

- I can’t believe how in love I’ve fallen with that townhouse my mom and I visited yesterday (a ploy on her part to get me to move back to Pennsylvania)

- I wonder if “he” has gotten the letter, and what he’s feeling/thinking

- Why is it that as much as I love New York City, I often find it difficult to leave Pennsylvania and go back home.

Yesterday, after my mom took me to visit a sample of some new townhouses that are being built about 20 minutes from their house, we went to lunch. Well, correction, I went to lunch and managed to sucker her into sitting with me while I ate. Hey, she got a free dessert out of it. During lunch she said “I know you would never move back here” to which I ferociously nodded my head in agreement. But, after I sat thinking about how comfortable Pennsylvania has become for me, about how all my assumptions and hang-ups about Pennsylvania have mostly gone out of the window, and about how great the cost of living is, I looked at her and said “well, I wouldn’t say that I’d NEVER move back to Pennsylvania”. The truth is, I probably would move back to Pennsylvania. I’ve been surprised at how many “gay friendly” churches there are, even in the midst of amish country, by the diversity of people that live there (it seems even more diverse than it did when I was a kid), and the cheap cost of living (the beautiful, brand new, 1600 square foot, 3 floor town house I saw was priced at $195,000, while the average price of a not so big apartment in Manhattan last year was $1.4 million.).

However, the idea of moving back to PA at 26 feels like a death sentence. What would I do in Pennsylvania? How would I ever meet someone there? Yet, I’ve heard it said a million times, and I’ve said it myself, that NYC is not the place to meet someone if you’re looking for something significant. You’d have better luck in the backwoods of Alabama.

Deep down I know that the next move, especially if it’s to Pennsylvania, is it. I’m just not sure if I’m ready for my next move to be “it”, mostly because of the not having found someone bit. But, I am ready to settle down, quite ready, and I’m realizing that I can settle down without having found someone. Life goes on, whether coupled or single.

- Bryan

PS: The above picture is from the shore of the Deleware River here in PA. This really is a beautiful state.

Desiderata

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy. - From "Desiderata"

It’s always nice to get away from the city for a nice long weekend. It’s nice to remember, after a series of long winter months spent in Manhattan, that there is life off of the island. That life is different. It’s slower. I take it in much more easily, and much quicker than I would were it all a part of my regular routine. And while I still love the city, the peace and the quiet of the country serves as a reminder that, with all its sham, dudgery, and broken dreams, it really is still a beautiful world. I’m happy…

- Bryan

It Is Finished

So, I sent a bunch of Valentines day cards out to a lot of single friends yesterday. I also sent one to “him”. Let’s just say the deed has been done, although the effect will be delayed a bit. I could breathe before, but I guess I breathe just a bit easier today.

I just finished listening to “Dirty Little Secret” by Sarah McLachlin, in which the chorus says:

Cause I've relied on my illusions
To keep me warm at night
But I denied in my capacity to love
I am willing, to give up this fight”

I gave up the fight. I can move on, and since I’ve held my blog captive to my “love” ramblings…it can move on as well.



- Bryan

Sleepover Therapy

So I just finished a sleepover here in my apartment. I know, so junior high circa 1995. My best friend Anita was here, and we talked about anything and everything, as always, including, love, life, and the pursuit of happiness. She asked me a lot of questions about why I want to tell “him” how I feel. I had all the right answers, not really. She had some excellent advice and posed a few really good questions.

“Why can’t you just let it go and move on?” she asked.

“You know he doesn’t even feel the same way” she said.

“Anyway, if he did feel the same way, why doesn’t HE say something? Why is it always up to you?” she asked.

I’m thinking about these questions, and I’m wondering, why should I bother? What difference will it really make? Why risk a perfectly good friendship with a spectacular guy? And given how straight forward I’ve been in the past, why is it up to me to say something?

She’s gone home now, and after talking it out, I’m left, ONCE AGAIN, wondering if I should just move on in silence, keeping all of this to myself. If I had the slightest glimmer of hope, a tiny fraction of something, anything, that made me think that telling him could be worth it, I’d jump on it. But, the romantic piece of a person’s soul is difficult to reach when you’re friends. I mean…PFFFTT…you haven’t been romanced until you’ve been romanced by BLW. *eh hem* ok that was a bit much…sorry. But, maybe Anita is right. What do I have to gain? More importantly, why is this occupying so much of my time this week!

In other news…




I’M GOING TO SCANDINAVIA!!!!

Details to follow…

Bryan

Ready? Not really...

Last night a friend said, “Life can be very painful sometimes, but I don't think that avoiding happiness because it might bring about pain is the way to go. Without taking risks, life can be excruciatingly dull.”

The moment I read this I realized what’s been bothering me for the past week. I realized why I’ve made my home down in the dumps, which is certainly not like me. I realized that I need to say something. See earlier post for frame of reference.

I don’t need to say something to him because I think it will be reciprocated. I’ve already stated my thoughts on his feelings. I need to say something because in this situation, something in me is just not OK unless I say what’s on my mind and in my heart. Previously, I decided to swallow my own feelings because it just seemed pointless to do otherwise, but to my surprise, my heart is not complying. When did it become so bold?

I think I know how I’m going to do it, how i'm going to "say something", and It’s not going to be through a traditional phone call or uncomfortably long email. And no, I’m not going to write a sonnet, or sing a song, or send a box of chocolates. I’m going to do something I rarely do. Something that we all rarely do these days…

I risk making things really awkward between us. But, like my friend said “without taking risks, life can be excruciatingly dull.”

Am I ready? Nope.

Do I think this is the right thing to do? Yeah. I do.

...*sigh*...Lord help us all!

Salvation, Vulnerability, and Clothes, Oh My!

This is a photo by Duane Michals called "Salvation". Duane does a significant amount of photography featuring the male form, and, well...gay men.

Thought provoking...

On Vulnerability

How Vulnerable should one be? I suppose it depends on who you’re being vulnerable to. I find that I’m more vulnerable with certain friends than others. It feels a bit odd honestly. Tonight I shared with two friends (separate conversations) about the fact that I was freaking out about all the responsibilities I’ve taken on lately. I’ve been trying to be more transparent for a while now, but I must admit that opening up, even to friends, is still awkward. Yet, I know that I WANT to open up, otherwise I wouldn’t make it known that there’s something I need to open up about in the first place. That being said, I think, for right or wrong, there’s a certain level of vulnerability that I’ve only expected to reach in a romantic relationship. Yet, I’ve gotten dangerously close, not to a good relationship (le sigh) but to that level of vulnerability, and afterwards I’ve thought to myself “isn’t that something that I was only supposed to share with the person I fall in love with?”. I know…Bryan you foolish idealist you!

But really, if I share my heart and soul with someone who doesn’t long to share their heart and soul with me, what is left to share with someone who does want to share their heart and soul with me, and I don’t mean in a platonic way. Fortunately, I trust those that I’ve shared a great deal with enough to forcefully let go of the apprehension (and ideals…to some extent) and the friend that I’ve probably shared the most with I trust a great deal, which when I think about it, often makes me laugh as he’s several years younger, yet abnormally wise for his age.

Umm…yeah, I guess that’s that. I’m still waiting for someone with whom all of the guards can come down. I've had people, usually people I like, with whom i've desired to reach that level, but...i wouldn't let myself...seemed pointless.

In other news…

IT’S FASHION WEEK!

Lord prepare me for the material goodness that my eyes will behold.

For those who love clothes but don’t live in NYC…i’m sorry… I’ll try to take good pictures...







- Bryan

Matters of the Heart Part Deux. And some other stuff

I've continued thinking about some of the questions I raised in my last post. I've also been thinking about the saying "nothing ventured, nothing gained" as posed by David. This morning, after shooting an email to a friend about a trip to Europe i'm hoping to make this summer, I thought about all of this some more, and i've come to the conclusion that I'm not going to tell my friend (the one that I have some romantic interest in) how I feel. I just don't see the point. Yes, I know, "nothing ventured, nothing gained". But likewise, nothing ventured nothing lost, and considering that I'm pretty sure I already know how he feels, expressing my own feelings just seems like a pointless, awkward, and risky excercise. I don't see that there's anything TO gain. So, i'm going to keep silent. I'm bound to get over it one of these days, right?

Enough drama. I came across the site that hosts the below pictures via Jeoff's blog. I found a few of them quite funny so i'm posting them here. Laughter is, after all, the best medicine.

HA! Kids are great.

- Bryan

Matters of the Heart

When do you tell someone that you like them?

What level of emotion (or “like” if you will) warrants telling someone how you feel?

If that person is a friend, and you’re fairly positive that the feeling isn’t mutual, do you still say something? If so, why? What good will it do?

If that person is a friend, and you’re not sure if the feeling is mutual, how much “in like” makes telling them how you feel, worth it?

With Valentines Day fast approaching, I’ve been thinking about these questions. There are two people in my life, both friends, and I can’t quite figure out what I feel towards them. The one I probably do have some level of romantic feelings for, while the other is just a wonderful friend. One of them I’m positive has no feelings for me, while it’s quite possible that the other may. As life would have it, of course the one I may have feelings for is not into me. Yet, at times I find myself wanting to be honest about how I feel, which seems completely pointless and futile given the circumstances. I mean, no, I’m not in love. At the most I’m “in like”. I don’t think about him every hour of every day, and I have always been, and hopefully still am, Ok with the idea of him seeing other people. So, technically I should be fine without saying a word. Yet, there are still moments, although few and random, when I do feel like blurting out “Unfortunately, I think I like you!”. Although, I suppose beginning with “unfortunately” probably wouldn’t go over so well. In the end, I doubt I’ll say a word. I’m not on his romantic radar, which I’ve accepted, but have found it odd that accepting that doesn’t make me care any less.

I do wonder about the other friend. I think he’s attractive. He’s funny. We have a good bit in common, and we get along well. Why DON’T I have feelings for him? I’m not convinced that we’re (meaning human beings) always the best at knowing who is best for us. I’m not convinced that the people we like are really the people that we should have something with, and I’m not convinced that sometimes the people we don’t like aren’t people worth pursuing something with. I don’t think what we’re attracted to is as innate as we give it credit. I think a good bit of it is formed through experience. Having many friends of Indian descent whose parents’ marriage was arranged, I’ve seen this first hand. I remember one of my friends telling me a story about how her mother and father did not see one another until their wedding day, and how when they were married her mother wept for days because her new husband was so much darker than she had hoped he’d be. They didn’t get along too well at first, and I think it was at least 2 years before they even consummated their marriage. But, today, they’re still together and quite happy.

All of this leaves me thinking, not just about my own dilemma, but just about romance in general. How much of who we pursue is automatic, and how much is based on choice?

Last Man Standing

When I moved to NYC 3 years ago I made several friends. Some had been here for a few years more than I, some had only been here a few months longer than I, some arrived at exactly the same time. In the 3 years that i've lived here I slowly watched as new people came into my life, and those old friends, my first "New York City friends", left the city to pursue "life" elsewhere. Well, the last of that crew is finally leaving. She's moving to Ghana for her job in International Affairs. This means that I am, officially, the last man standing.

It's so odd to me to be in this position, because I can remember sitting on my friend Amy's apartment floor, with her, Debbie, Robin and I laughing at people on the Oscars and talking about how ready I was to leave New York City. Now, here I am with all of them gone, along with the rest of my original NYC friends. It does leave me a bit nostalgic. I think back to my first few months here in New York, and I really can't believe that i'm still here. But, in a good way.

Fortunately, I have many other friends and am always accepting applications for new ones. In that respect I suppose i'm not truly the last man standing, as that implies that i'm standing alone. I do kind of feel like I should get a prize.


Maybe i'll give Bloomberg a call.

With age comes wisdom, and with wisdom comes...some other stuff i'm not so sure I want to see...

The changes that occur as I get older are sometimes scary. I’ve found that said changes are rarely gradual, and to me, quite obvious. At some point over the past two years I officially became a New Yorker. Or, shall I say, I officially accepted the fact that I’m a New Yorker (there’s a rather big difference between those two statements). I’ve either become, or realized that I always was, someone who becomes self-absorbed as a means of dealing with those things/situations/issues with which I’m uncomfortable. At times I place too much value on what I have, too much confidence in having a life that seems so well put together, and take refuge in things that are and always will be fleeting. All of these realizations have come in the past year or so. Who knew that there was so much truth to becoming older and wiser? But in the midst of all of this there seems to be so much work left to do. Being only 26, I look at the life that sits before me (hopefully a very long and prosperous one) and I think to myself, at 26, am I too old to change? Have I become so set in my ways that even my own desires to improve upon my imperfections is a task to great? I’ll never know if I don’t try I suppose. I believe that humility is almost always just a decision away, and in the end, isn’t that at the root of so many of the issues I’ve expressed?

Another thing that I’ve begun to realize as I’ve gotten older, perhaps the most discomforting thing, is how much I desire companionship. Why so scary? I suppose because I’ve taken great pride in being independent. I’ve had no qualms about living away from and outside of my comfort zone ever since I was 17. I’ve always boasted about my love for a life lived in solitude, and I’ve always been comforted by my own assertion that in the end I don’t need anyone, friend or otherwise. Yet, as of late, I’ve begun to realize that I’m not immune to the need for companionship, as several of my posts in the last 6 months have alluded to. For a long time I’ve blamed my discontent with solitude and singleness on having few friends here in New York City, on New York City itself, on poor church community, work, lack of hobbies, and many other elusive yet ominous circumstances. But now, here I sit with an ever expanding circle of friends, with a calendar already full of get togethers, parties, and events between now and the end of March, with a career in which doors continue to open, with not just one but TWO awesome churches, and with a magnificent balance through it all. And still I find, in the quiet, that a piece of me remains unsettled, and that piece desires to share the silence with another. .

Now, I’m not depressed. I’ve got it good and I’m rather happy and content. These thoughts don’t regularly cross my mind. But, tonight they did, and I wonder how much time will pass before they cross my mind more regularly, before a wish becomes an ache. Maybe that will never happen. Hopefully not! If it does, I’m marrying one of my friends. I’m not sure which one (although I have my ideas), and it may be against his will but ...oh well. Whoever he is, he could do SO much worse!

My Distance and the Distant

I have friends all over the world. It’s pretty cool. But, there are seasons when those relationships just don’t do. Those friends, as dear to me as they are, can’t look into my eyes and see when I’m laughing to hold back the tears. Nor can they know the reasons behind the quiver in my voice.

Today, the distance is obvious, and it leaves me wondering if I’ve invested too much in people who will never be a part of my life here, and too little in those who could be, and are.

I’m feeling the need to take a few steps back today. Maybe I’ll feel differently tomorrow. Maybe not…

On the Way Home

Took this while walking home tonight.

It was cold.

It was quiet.

It was nice.

Follow up to "The Goofball Within" - Not So Goofy Afterall

I've been thinking a lot about my earlier post "The Goofball Within". Well, actually I haven't been thinking about it all that much. But, there have definitely been moments where the questions that I asked in that post have come to mind, and I think I’ve finally arrived at an answer. Simply put …I don’t give a crap!

Hmmm… “I don’t give a crap” ...there’s that Georgetown education at work YET again!

Anyway, poor grammar aside, my point is that i'm completely, perfectly, and unabashedly content with the person that I am...goofball or no goofball. I make no excuses for that. Inauthenticity really isn’t an option for me. I just don’t have that kind of will power. So, I will continue with my inappropriate jokes and dry sarcasm, and my inappropriate photos with the Charging Bull were probably not my last. Viva la Goofballs!

Cheers!