The Fork In My Road

So this weekend I am on a retreat, a retreat to my parents house in Amish county that is. I came here to spend some quiet time away from the city, my friends, and all such influences that I might really have some time to think, pray, and discern God's will for me in the ongoing debate of whether I should leave the US and go to the FSM, or stay in NYC. Yes, I do love the FSM (see earlier post). It has garnered a part of my heart these past few months. However, I also love NYC and finally feel settled enough to call it home. More importantly, I am just now feeling like my life is beginning there.

These past two years have been spent settling into my life in the city, with a large portion of it being spent wrestling with my sexuality. I've finally reached a place of reconciliation and as a result am seeing dreams, goals, passions, and interests that had long since been placed on my mental and emotional backburner, come back to life. I've resurfaced. I'm finally ready to join a church, a bible study, spend time with my friends again, and do all the things that one could/should do when they have the superb opportunity to live in Manhattan. To date, a tourist visiting Manhattan for 3 days has probably done more in the city than I have in almost 2 years. My vision for the clothing company I began almost 3 years ago has returned, as has a new vision for starting a small non-profit here in the city. I love calling the city home. I love the fact that my heart is finally able to call the city home. Of all the things i've mentioned here, it really is only the beginning for the new authentic life I see as I envision the year ahead in Manhattan, a year (and a future) where I am free to be "me" in every sense of the word. I want to know what that looks like...what that feels like.

Is now the time to leave? Do I want to leave? Does God desire for me to leave?

These are the questions racing through my head and everyday I feel I have a different answer. When work frustrates me…

“that’s it I’m moving to the FSM…*bleep* this crap!”

When I see a nice pair of pants at the Republic of Banana…

“ *sigh* How can I leave this city?! These pants need me!”

However, I’ve found that such thinking, while fun, does not really answer the question at hand.

What I have found, or realized, is that regardless of the decision I make it will be made in total devotion to God and His call on my life. If I go, God goes with me. I will be and do all that He is asking of me in the FSM in great anticipation of the person I will become. If I stay, it will not be to enjoy just another year of complacency. That was needed for a season, but no more. I will involve myself in the world around me. By God’s grace I will allow the passions and drive he has given me to propel me into the next stage of my journey. I will be the Bryan I have always known that God was calling me to be, even as a little kid.

Jeremiah 29:11 - For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.