Dudes are weird, and a little Kaskade

I know, i'm slacking on the posts these days. Things are a bit busy at the moment, and while I have many thoughts and experiences, I rarely find myself with the time or energy to blog them out in a meaningful way. I'll sum up my experiences as of late by simply saying "dudes are weird".

Moving on...I’m attending Kaskade’s New York City album release party at Mansion next Friday. Kaskade has a pretty interesting story. He’s Mormon, and there aren’t too many Mormon DJ’s on the worldwide club scene. He’s a neat guy, with inspiring music, and absolutely fantastic beats. Next Friday should be fun. Get his album.

madness....

Realize

I heard Colbie Caillat recently, and I’m pretty taken back by her talent. As you can hear, her voice is phenomenal, and chicks who play the guitar always make me swoon (in a non-heterosexual kind of way).

I love songs that actually mean something and that actually speak to the human experience, as opposed to the nice sounding gobly gook that some musicians put out there. "Realize" is particularly beautiful, and speaks to an emotional place we’ve all been in at some point or another.

I'll Take The Round Peg Please

"You can’t fit a square peg into a round hole"

I’ve heard that saying a million times, and I’ve often applied it to my own life. Every time I did so, I was the square peg and life as I knew it, work, church, and certain friends, were the hole. Yet, life isn’t perfect. Sometimes we have grandiose ideas of what we’d like to achieve and who we’d like to become. In mine, I was a partnered father of two with a house in Connecticut and a successful interior design firm in the city. In my grandiose ideas life is fun, and comfortable, full of creativity and passion. Now, take a look at reality, in which I’m a single guy in New York City with a pretty good career in investment banking. No present partner and no where near getting one. No kids and no where near having any. And no interior design firm and, you guessed it, no where near having one. Life is sometimes boring. I’m sometimes much more lonely than I’d like to be. Community, good and persistent community, is very hard to come by, and sometimes I don’t know why the hell I’m still here. That is my life, and although at times I wish it were different, it is what it is and it’s really not too shabby.

It can be difficult to realize that the world you created in your head when you were young isn’t the world you were meant to have, and that that life isn’t the one you were meant to live. However, focusing on that can cause one to miss out on the life and the world which exists right before ones eyes. When I was a kid I was creative and passionate about all sorts of things that seemed to have disappeared when I became an adult. Truth is that creativity and passion are still there. As a kid such things were pretty much all of me. As an adult, they’re just a part of me. I’m ok with that. That’s how it’s supposed to be.

The round hole has really been me, while the square peg has been my expectations, and i'm tired of trying to make my life conform to my expectations. I guess I’m reaching the end of my quarter-life crisis, and to it I bid adeu.

- Bryan

Goldfrapp On The Brain

It’s odd how much social networking sites like myspace and facebook, as well as email and text messages, have connected us in a way that when we’re not “virtually around” it’s the equivalent of having fallen off the face of the earth. I’ve been virtually MIA lately, at least that’s what I’ve heard, as I’ve found myself having infrequent communication with friends via any of these methods. Those who have experienced my distance the most, I suppose, have been those friends who live far away. I made an attempt this week to resurface by reactivating my facebook account, only to feel more content by deactivating it again.

It’s nice having so many friends who live all over the United States. Yet, sometimes I feel like something is missing, and that I expect things from those relationships that the distance makes impossible. I’ve said it before, but I feel like I invest too much in people who can never be more than a plane ride away, and too little in those who are here. Makes sense, at least for me. It’s much easier to be transparent with someone who can’t actually see and experience your transparency. But, I’m finding that email, text messages, and phone calls can only do so much. It’s the smile, the smell, the touch, the laugh, the expressions of joy, sorrow, excitement, discontentment that I need these days. It’s kinda nice to be with people who know what the face you just made really means, and that kind of knowing someone takes time…time together.

In the technological age its become so easy to equate phone calls, emails, and IM conversations to time spent together, one on one, face to face. I suppose it can be a substitute when it’s with someone you’ve already spent significant time with, like my phone conversations with a close friend from college who lives in Pennsylvania. But, right now, anything outside of that seems to fall short. Not a waste of time, just…not enough, and not satisfying.

So, I’m Goldfrapping it…



I was feeling lonely, feeling low
Feeling like I needed you
Like I hoped you'd call and hoped you'd see me

Daydreamin'

It’s easy to think about day dreaming as a simple and meaningless escape, and no doubt, sometimes it really is. But, sometimes it just serves as a way to hang onto thoughts, feelings, experiences, and people, that we really need to let go of. How many times have you day dreamed about a date with that guy you like but doesn't like you, or that house you want but can't afford, or what you’d do with that bonus you probably won't get, or that car you can’t afford, or some form of intimacy with that person you can’t have? I do it all the time. Sometimes it’s meaningless, but sometimes it creates expectations that will probably never be fulfilled. Just as important, it sets up expectations of that “thing” you’re day dreaming about which that “thing” may never be able to meet.

Yesterday on the train this guy was standing next to me. He kept checking me out while trying to pretend to read his newspaper. I only knew this because, well, he was cute and tall and I was kind of checking him out too. At one point I looked at him when he was glaring at me and we both started laughing. He had such a great smile. Two seconds later it was my stop, so I got off, and that was the end of it.

What does this story have to do with daydreaming? Well, similar experiences to the above have occurred a few times in the past two weeks, and BOY has it been fun! But at some point last night between talking to a friend about how to accessorize her home (so gay) and trying to decide what my weekend plans would consist of, I realized that nothing ever materialized over the past two weeks because 1) I’m shy, and 2) none of the guys I’ve flirted with, talked to, or chilled out with were like the ones I envision in my ridiculously romantic daydreams, or as seemingly compatible with me as my friend that I had feeli…eh, we all know that story by now. No guy will meet the criteria of the one in my head, and they shouldn’t have to, but…tell that to my overly shy refuses to “date” would rather fall in love with a friend, head. Something's gotta give.

So, the moral of the story is that every time you daydream a puppy dies…

Bryan

Here's to Love

I should be pretty down today. The day was full of hearing things I didn’t want to hear, preparing to face things I really didn’t want to face, being presented with decisions that I’m really not ready to make (nor know how to), and to top it all off I did something really stupid…surprise surprise. Part of me wants to crawl into bed and stay there until someone comes and drags me out. Yet, I’m feeling pretty good right now. That could be the cookies I just ate, but…actually yeah, it’s probably the cookies I just ate. But in all seriousness, it’s cool when you can love someone enough to say "even if it’s not with me, the thought of you being happy makes me incredibly happy". That’s what I experienced tonight for the first time, and it’s put such a smile on my face.

So, although it’s a tad bit late for Valentines day, here’s to love in its many forms. Love may not always come the way we want it, but that doesn’t mean it’s unrequited.

- Bryan

It Is Finished

So, I sent a bunch of Valentines day cards out to a lot of single friends yesterday. I also sent one to “him”. Let’s just say the deed has been done, although the effect will be delayed a bit. I could breathe before, but I guess I breathe just a bit easier today.

I just finished listening to “Dirty Little Secret” by Sarah McLachlin, in which the chorus says:

Cause I've relied on my illusions
To keep me warm at night
But I denied in my capacity to love
I am willing, to give up this fight”

I gave up the fight. I can move on, and since I’ve held my blog captive to my “love” ramblings…it can move on as well.



- Bryan

Sleepover Therapy

So I just finished a sleepover here in my apartment. I know, so junior high circa 1995. My best friend Anita was here, and we talked about anything and everything, as always, including, love, life, and the pursuit of happiness. She asked me a lot of questions about why I want to tell “him” how I feel. I had all the right answers, not really. She had some excellent advice and posed a few really good questions.

“Why can’t you just let it go and move on?” she asked.

“You know he doesn’t even feel the same way” she said.

“Anyway, if he did feel the same way, why doesn’t HE say something? Why is it always up to you?” she asked.

I’m thinking about these questions, and I’m wondering, why should I bother? What difference will it really make? Why risk a perfectly good friendship with a spectacular guy? And given how straight forward I’ve been in the past, why is it up to me to say something?

She’s gone home now, and after talking it out, I’m left, ONCE AGAIN, wondering if I should just move on in silence, keeping all of this to myself. If I had the slightest glimmer of hope, a tiny fraction of something, anything, that made me think that telling him could be worth it, I’d jump on it. But, the romantic piece of a person’s soul is difficult to reach when you’re friends. I mean…PFFFTT…you haven’t been romanced until you’ve been romanced by BLW. *eh hem* ok that was a bit much…sorry. But, maybe Anita is right. What do I have to gain? More importantly, why is this occupying so much of my time this week!

In other news…




I’M GOING TO SCANDINAVIA!!!!

Details to follow…

Bryan

Ready? Not really...

Last night a friend said, “Life can be very painful sometimes, but I don't think that avoiding happiness because it might bring about pain is the way to go. Without taking risks, life can be excruciatingly dull.”

The moment I read this I realized what’s been bothering me for the past week. I realized why I’ve made my home down in the dumps, which is certainly not like me. I realized that I need to say something. See earlier post for frame of reference.

I don’t need to say something to him because I think it will be reciprocated. I’ve already stated my thoughts on his feelings. I need to say something because in this situation, something in me is just not OK unless I say what’s on my mind and in my heart. Previously, I decided to swallow my own feelings because it just seemed pointless to do otherwise, but to my surprise, my heart is not complying. When did it become so bold?

I think I know how I’m going to do it, how i'm going to "say something", and It’s not going to be through a traditional phone call or uncomfortably long email. And no, I’m not going to write a sonnet, or sing a song, or send a box of chocolates. I’m going to do something I rarely do. Something that we all rarely do these days…

I risk making things really awkward between us. But, like my friend said “without taking risks, life can be excruciatingly dull.”

Am I ready? Nope.

Do I think this is the right thing to do? Yeah. I do.

...*sigh*...Lord help us all!

Salvation, Vulnerability, and Clothes, Oh My!

This is a photo by Duane Michals called "Salvation". Duane does a significant amount of photography featuring the male form, and, well...gay men.

Thought provoking...

On Vulnerability

How Vulnerable should one be? I suppose it depends on who you’re being vulnerable to. I find that I’m more vulnerable with certain friends than others. It feels a bit odd honestly. Tonight I shared with two friends (separate conversations) about the fact that I was freaking out about all the responsibilities I’ve taken on lately. I’ve been trying to be more transparent for a while now, but I must admit that opening up, even to friends, is still awkward. Yet, I know that I WANT to open up, otherwise I wouldn’t make it known that there’s something I need to open up about in the first place. That being said, I think, for right or wrong, there’s a certain level of vulnerability that I’ve only expected to reach in a romantic relationship. Yet, I’ve gotten dangerously close, not to a good relationship (le sigh) but to that level of vulnerability, and afterwards I’ve thought to myself “isn’t that something that I was only supposed to share with the person I fall in love with?”. I know…Bryan you foolish idealist you!

But really, if I share my heart and soul with someone who doesn’t long to share their heart and soul with me, what is left to share with someone who does want to share their heart and soul with me, and I don’t mean in a platonic way. Fortunately, I trust those that I’ve shared a great deal with enough to forcefully let go of the apprehension (and ideals…to some extent) and the friend that I’ve probably shared the most with I trust a great deal, which when I think about it, often makes me laugh as he’s several years younger, yet abnormally wise for his age.

Umm…yeah, I guess that’s that. I’m still waiting for someone with whom all of the guards can come down. I've had people, usually people I like, with whom i've desired to reach that level, but...i wouldn't let myself...seemed pointless.

In other news…

IT’S FASHION WEEK!

Lord prepare me for the material goodness that my eyes will behold.

For those who love clothes but don’t live in NYC…i’m sorry… I’ll try to take good pictures...







- Bryan

Matters of the Heart Part Deux. And some other stuff

I've continued thinking about some of the questions I raised in my last post. I've also been thinking about the saying "nothing ventured, nothing gained" as posed by David. This morning, after shooting an email to a friend about a trip to Europe i'm hoping to make this summer, I thought about all of this some more, and i've come to the conclusion that I'm not going to tell my friend (the one that I have some romantic interest in) how I feel. I just don't see the point. Yes, I know, "nothing ventured, nothing gained". But likewise, nothing ventured nothing lost, and considering that I'm pretty sure I already know how he feels, expressing my own feelings just seems like a pointless, awkward, and risky excercise. I don't see that there's anything TO gain. So, i'm going to keep silent. I'm bound to get over it one of these days, right?

Enough drama. I came across the site that hosts the below pictures via Jeoff's blog. I found a few of them quite funny so i'm posting them here. Laughter is, after all, the best medicine.

HA! Kids are great.

- Bryan

Matters of the Heart

When do you tell someone that you like them?

What level of emotion (or “like” if you will) warrants telling someone how you feel?

If that person is a friend, and you’re fairly positive that the feeling isn’t mutual, do you still say something? If so, why? What good will it do?

If that person is a friend, and you’re not sure if the feeling is mutual, how much “in like” makes telling them how you feel, worth it?

With Valentines Day fast approaching, I’ve been thinking about these questions. There are two people in my life, both friends, and I can’t quite figure out what I feel towards them. The one I probably do have some level of romantic feelings for, while the other is just a wonderful friend. One of them I’m positive has no feelings for me, while it’s quite possible that the other may. As life would have it, of course the one I may have feelings for is not into me. Yet, at times I find myself wanting to be honest about how I feel, which seems completely pointless and futile given the circumstances. I mean, no, I’m not in love. At the most I’m “in like”. I don’t think about him every hour of every day, and I have always been, and hopefully still am, Ok with the idea of him seeing other people. So, technically I should be fine without saying a word. Yet, there are still moments, although few and random, when I do feel like blurting out “Unfortunately, I think I like you!”. Although, I suppose beginning with “unfortunately” probably wouldn’t go over so well. In the end, I doubt I’ll say a word. I’m not on his romantic radar, which I’ve accepted, but have found it odd that accepting that doesn’t make me care any less.

I do wonder about the other friend. I think he’s attractive. He’s funny. We have a good bit in common, and we get along well. Why DON’T I have feelings for him? I’m not convinced that we’re (meaning human beings) always the best at knowing who is best for us. I’m not convinced that the people we like are really the people that we should have something with, and I’m not convinced that sometimes the people we don’t like aren’t people worth pursuing something with. I don’t think what we’re attracted to is as innate as we give it credit. I think a good bit of it is formed through experience. Having many friends of Indian descent whose parents’ marriage was arranged, I’ve seen this first hand. I remember one of my friends telling me a story about how her mother and father did not see one another until their wedding day, and how when they were married her mother wept for days because her new husband was so much darker than she had hoped he’d be. They didn’t get along too well at first, and I think it was at least 2 years before they even consummated their marriage. But, today, they’re still together and quite happy.

All of this leaves me thinking, not just about my own dilemma, but just about romance in general. How much of who we pursue is automatic, and how much is based on choice?

With age comes wisdom, and with wisdom comes...some other stuff i'm not so sure I want to see...

The changes that occur as I get older are sometimes scary. I’ve found that said changes are rarely gradual, and to me, quite obvious. At some point over the past two years I officially became a New Yorker. Or, shall I say, I officially accepted the fact that I’m a New Yorker (there’s a rather big difference between those two statements). I’ve either become, or realized that I always was, someone who becomes self-absorbed as a means of dealing with those things/situations/issues with which I’m uncomfortable. At times I place too much value on what I have, too much confidence in having a life that seems so well put together, and take refuge in things that are and always will be fleeting. All of these realizations have come in the past year or so. Who knew that there was so much truth to becoming older and wiser? But in the midst of all of this there seems to be so much work left to do. Being only 26, I look at the life that sits before me (hopefully a very long and prosperous one) and I think to myself, at 26, am I too old to change? Have I become so set in my ways that even my own desires to improve upon my imperfections is a task to great? I’ll never know if I don’t try I suppose. I believe that humility is almost always just a decision away, and in the end, isn’t that at the root of so many of the issues I’ve expressed?

Another thing that I’ve begun to realize as I’ve gotten older, perhaps the most discomforting thing, is how much I desire companionship. Why so scary? I suppose because I’ve taken great pride in being independent. I’ve had no qualms about living away from and outside of my comfort zone ever since I was 17. I’ve always boasted about my love for a life lived in solitude, and I’ve always been comforted by my own assertion that in the end I don’t need anyone, friend or otherwise. Yet, as of late, I’ve begun to realize that I’m not immune to the need for companionship, as several of my posts in the last 6 months have alluded to. For a long time I’ve blamed my discontent with solitude and singleness on having few friends here in New York City, on New York City itself, on poor church community, work, lack of hobbies, and many other elusive yet ominous circumstances. But now, here I sit with an ever expanding circle of friends, with a calendar already full of get togethers, parties, and events between now and the end of March, with a career in which doors continue to open, with not just one but TWO awesome churches, and with a magnificent balance through it all. And still I find, in the quiet, that a piece of me remains unsettled, and that piece desires to share the silence with another. .

Now, I’m not depressed. I’ve got it good and I’m rather happy and content. These thoughts don’t regularly cross my mind. But, tonight they did, and I wonder how much time will pass before they cross my mind more regularly, before a wish becomes an ache. Maybe that will never happen. Hopefully not! If it does, I’m marrying one of my friends. I’m not sure which one (although I have my ideas), and it may be against his will but ...oh well. Whoever he is, he could do SO much worse!

The Goofball Within

I’m an intelligent, caring, successful businessman, who also happens to be a total… goofball. *sigh*

This is something that makes me laugh and that makes me feel awkward at the same time. It makes me laugh because, well…I do some of the silliest, craziest, most nonsensical things! I love to laugh and I love being around people who also love to laugh. One of the greatest feelings is busting a gut with someone you care about. However, while many women find a humorous guy attractive (particularly when he also has a brain) I don’t know that most gay guys do. It goes back to my idea that many men are influenced, foremost, by appearance and perception, whereas women tend to be, foremost, influenced by emotions. It’s almost as if to say that many women are initially influenced by what’s happening in their heart, whereas men tend to be influenced by what’s happening in their groins. Ok that’s harsh…but I’m not quite ready to say that it’s untrue. Some have tried to convince me otherwise, but I have yet to hear a compelling argument.

So, what’s a goofball to do? I could easily assume the role of the sophisticated New Yorker. I have to do it often because of my line of work and some of the circles I travel in, although I’m naturally more laid back. I could hold back my laughter. I could refrain from wise cracks and dry sarcasm. I could only speak when I have something highly intelligent and unamusing to say. I’d certainly feel more mature, I suppose. And, perhaps, I’d meet someone who would see me as more than just a really cool friend.

Hmmm…I’m not sure what I think on this matter. I’m not sure what I’d be sacrificing, or gaining, in the end. What is the difference between bettering oneself, and becoming someone you were never meant to be? What is and isn't necessary, and where is the line?

Profound Realization....Brace Yourselves

Guys are idiots!

And yes, I know that i'm one of them.

It's odd. Women can often see things that men can't. A woman can listen to a guy talk, rant, whine, dream, and say..."we'd be really good together". While the guy is thinking "I'm glad we're friends but we couldn't date because I like bigger boobs". Quite often, the woman was right and the guy doesn't realize that until it's too late and she's moved on. I don't know. Perhaps the female intuition gene came along with my gay gene.

Obviously, there's someone I thought I had at least some feelings for. However, I could be wrong about the sense of compatability. There was someone a year ago who I thought would be good for me, and vice versa. Truth was, one of us would have probably killed the other in his sleep. But that experience was a first for many reasons and there were a number of things I couldn't see. I'm an ENFj / INFj personality so I learn from situations quickly, and my gut tells me that this situation is different.

Sadly, i'm making the emotional decision to give up on him, not give up on caring about him as a friend or supporting him because I couldn't do that, he's done nothing wrong per se. But just in seeing him as anything more, of putting my heart into it unnecessarily. I'm over it.

-Bryan

In The Family Way

Last Sunday we had infant baptism at church. This was the first time I’ve witnessed an infant baptism there. Not to say that they haven’t done them, as I know for a fact that they have. This was just the first one I was present for, and it was an experience as I’ve never seen an infant baptism in a Presbyterian church. The whole process, particularly the words that were spoken, was quite beautiful.

I just couldn’t take my eyes off of the kids. They’re round little faces watching anxiously, yet having no idea what they were actually watching and experiencing. It was cool to see their little personalities shine through at various times. Some giggled, some shuddered as the water was dribbled onto their foreheads, some refused to be held by anyone other than their parents, some cried, and some slept.

Ever since then I’ve been thinking about having a family of my own, much more than usual. Something about Sunday has rekindled that fire. This is of course not the first time that I’ve felt this way. However, I have this knack for convincing myself that I feel something (or more typically with me, DON’T feel something) that I really do. I managed to convince myself that a family wasn’t really a dream or desire of mine, that perhaps while it would be a “nice to have”, it wasn’t something that my heart really wanted. Yet, this past Sunday reminded me that it is more than just a “nice to have”, but instead is something that I yearn for. A family…

The difficult thing about hopes, dreams, desires, and yearnings is that…well…they’re just hopes, dreams, desires and yearnings. None of them are promised to us. None of them are certain to come to fruition. That in mind, I find it difficult to find the balance between the reality of what “is” and the possibilities of what could be. So, I instead try to err on the side of caution when thinking about yearnings of the heart, and try to be as realistic as possible, almost to the point of pessimism. At one point it was a conscious decision to deal with things this way. I’m far more optimistic by nature. These days, it feels more subconscious. I’ve trained myself. Again, I only do this with matters of the heart, and only to myself. I’m optimism’s cheerleader when it comes to most other things and most other people.

I just don’t know that I’ll ever have my own family, and I don’t know what good it does to hope that I will someday. Yet, I wish I could say that to not have my own family would be Ok with me.

Maybe I’ll get there.

My Visual DNA

It's been a quiet weekend at home. I thought it would suck, but in actuality it hasn't been so bad.

Anyway, to pass some time tonight I did the "My Visual DNA" test. It's a test where you look at different photographs and based on the question being asked, choose the photograph that registers with you the most. Below are the results of my test. I'm always quite surprised after these tests as for me, they tend to be fairly accurate (unless i'm dillusional and have horrible self-perception). Anyway, enjoy...


Mood: Easy Rider

You're a bit of a romantic and have a taste for the exotic. You love feeling the sea breeze in your hair, sun on your skin... Slip those shoes off... You like to kick back. When it comes to art, you appreciate precision and hard work - real craftsmanship. You appreciate the history of a piece, the stories that it holds - you are a touch sentimental! As for music, it's the soundtrack to your world. You like to unwind and switch off: it gives you a break from reality. Your choice of treat shows you love being a little bit naughty. Being good all the time is a bore. You've got a good sense of fun and maybe an infectious giggle.


Fun: Escape Artist

You love to be far away from your everyday life. You love the sun, and like to live life at a slower pace than most - you know how to take things nice and easy! When it comes to holidays, you'll take experience over comfort every time, whether under canvas or under the stars. You love the chance to be in the wilderness and the freedom of being in charge of where you're heading. What grosses you out? Good manners are essential. Prodding, poking and picking get your "Yuk" factor ticking.


Habits: Junkie Monkey

Even if you have a healthy approach to life, you still have your little vices that keep you going. It is all part of the routine, you're a creature of habit. You're not neurotic about making healthy choices... You've got more of an easy going and carefree approach to your lifestyle. and a sweet tooth too. As for the home, you favour a cosy, home spun look. you dig the D-I-Y vibe big time.



Love: Home Soul

You're a real home soul. You care deeply about family life and all that comes with it, the love of a child very special. When you think of freedom - you think of being in charge of your direction. The open road and a full tank can take you pretty much anywhere.

Love, Life, and Rug Rats

Ok, I’m back.

So, I told my friend this morning that I don’t think I want to be in a relationship and I don’t think I want children. Truth is, I was being serious. Totally serious! I love being single. I love having no such commitments, making lots of money that I can spend on me and me alone (hey I’m 25 get off me) and being able to come, go, and do as I please. I watch my friends who are married or coupled and while I admire what they have, I do not admire their bickering, fighting, jealousy, and whole host of other issues that come along with being coupled. I just don’t! I enjoy my singleness, although I’m aware of the fact that being single in NYC does not produce as much of a sense of loneliness as it does in other places.

I’ve never been one to fall easily for anyone. In fact, it’s a rare occurrence. I can count on one hand the number of people that I’ve fallen for in my entire life (not to be confused with a little crush) and I would say of all those people, only two exceeded the definition of an extreme crush. I say all of that to say that I just can’t imagine connecting with someone that way who also connects with me. More so, I can’t imagine someone loving me with the same capacity with which I can love them, including my two major “fall fors”. Now, before I get the sympatheic “awwww….someone will love you..”, please know that I do not feel any degree of sadness when I make that statement. I am a firm believer that not everyone is meant to have someone. That’s totally cool with me! However, I do feel that my heart is not one for hopping from one guy to the next. It’s pretty dedicated in its focus and unfortunately, that type of dedication is not all that prevalent among gay guys my age. The ability to be that dedicated in love is something I can sense in people. I tend to pick up on it rather quickly in both men and women. It’s a gift of sorts and perhaps I should look into leaving my firm and working for the X-Men or something. Anyway, I’m totally fine being single and abstinent…that’s right I said it…abstinent!

All this being said, today I heard a cute gay guy make a statement about children and his desire for them. In that one moment I saw a possibility that I had written off. For just that one moment I saw the circumstances under which I could want all of the above things. I think those circumstances are pretty obvious here, but perhaps I’ll blog them out at a later date. Do I think the chances are slim…unfortunately! But you never know right!?

Hasta la tootles!

Too Much To Say

Sometimes what's too much to say is best said through a poem..

There are a million things I want to say to you. All of which I yearn to hear. I watch you and you watch me. Together sensing that what we want is farther than where we can go. And it's a melody too faint to hear. A vision far off and encased by frosted glass. It's the beating of my heart....the truth behind my smile...and the letters on my tongue. But in spite of these things, I still see you..... Watching you as you watch me. A reflection in this city's streets....I couldn't forget you if I tried. I'm always watching you, as you see me.