Sunday, January 28, 2007

Drum Roll Please

I hesitate to post this blog because once posted, it’s like writing this decision in stone. I suppose writing it in stone isn’t all that bad since I’m comfortable with the decision I’ve made.

Here goes…

I am not going to the Federated States of Micronesia for a year. I am staying in Manhattan.


*whew* There….said it!

See my earlier post for the reasons this decision was made so difficult.

I’ve spent this weekend speaking with friends, reading, praying, enjoying the company of family here in the Amish country of Pennsylvania. I came here for the express purpose of getting away and spending some quiet time with God as I tried to discern what I should do. It’s funny. I always get frustrated with myself when I set out to spend a few days of quiet time with God because my quiet time usually ends up being less like a few days and more like a few hours. However, my heart is in a different, more humble place during these times, and this weekend I found that through involving myself in other things and not focusing my thoughts on the many questions surrounding my going or staying the desires of my heart became quite clear.

While the FSM would be a wonderful opportunity, my life here is just beginning. Having never had a place my heart called home, having never been in this place of love and self-acceptance, “here” is where my heart longs to be, to grow, to know God more fully and His will for me. So, as disappointing as this may be to some of you who were hoping to live vicariously through me while in the FSM…you can pray for me as I move into this next stage of my journey, as the territory is just as unchartered as would be any experience i'd have in a small developing South Pacific nation.

I finally have a place to call home. :-)

….and so life begins…

Friday, January 26, 2007

The Fork In My Road

So this weekend I am on a retreat, a retreat to my parents house in Amish county that is. I came here to spend some quiet time away from the city, my friends, and all such influences that I might really have some time to think, pray, and discern God's will for me in the ongoing debate of whether I should leave the US and go to the FSM, or stay in NYC. Yes, I do love the FSM (see earlier post). It has garnered a part of my heart these past few months. However, I also love NYC and finally feel settled enough to call it home. More importantly, I am just now feeling like my life is beginning there.

These past two years have been spent settling into my life in the city, with a large portion of it being spent wrestling with my sexuality. I've finally reached a place of reconciliation and as a result am seeing dreams, goals, passions, and interests that had long since been placed on my mental and emotional backburner, come back to life. I've resurfaced. I'm finally ready to join a church, a bible study, spend time with my friends again, and do all the things that one could/should do when they have the superb opportunity to live in Manhattan. To date, a tourist visiting Manhattan for 3 days has probably done more in the city than I have in almost 2 years. My vision for the clothing company I began almost 3 years ago has returned, as has a new vision for starting a small non-profit here in the city. I love calling the city home. I love the fact that my heart is finally able to call the city home. Of all the things i've mentioned here, it really is only the beginning for the new authentic life I see as I envision the year ahead in Manhattan, a year (and a future) where I am free to be "me" in every sense of the word. I want to know what that looks like...what that feels like.

Is now the time to leave? Do I want to leave? Does God desire for me to leave?

These are the questions racing through my head and everyday I feel I have a different answer. When work frustrates me…

“that’s it I’m moving to the FSM…*bleep* this crap!”

When I see a nice pair of pants at the Republic of Banana…

“ *sigh* How can I leave this city?! These pants need me!”

However, I’ve found that such thinking, while fun, does not really answer the question at hand.

What I have found, or realized, is that regardless of the decision I make it will be made in total devotion to God and His call on my life. If I go, God goes with me. I will be and do all that He is asking of me in the FSM in great anticipation of the person I will become. If I stay, it will not be to enjoy just another year of complacency. That was needed for a season, but no more. I will involve myself in the world around me. By God’s grace I will allow the passions and drive he has given me to propel me into the next stage of my journey. I will be the Bryan I have always known that God was calling me to be, even as a little kid.

Jeremiah 29:11 - For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Virtually Exhausted

Last night I was able to chat with one of my best friends on instant messenger. I haven't spoken to her in any depth for about 3 months for reasons that are probably outside the scope of this blog. I will say that there was no falling out nor was there any sort of misunderstanding. Things just sort of fell off as I focused on processing some things that were going on in my own life. As I sat there on my wobbly futon, chatting away I couldn't help but carry a grin that spanned from ear to ear. Here I was, chatting online with someone who's known me for 8 years, who I've spent countless hours with, laughing, chatting, harassing, eating, and chilling. Talking to her online was a much-needed breath of fresh air.

I've met some amazing people these past few months, most of whom I’ve met online. These people span the globe and possess unique, wonderful, and captivating personalities. However, as I sat chatting with my friend last night I was finally able to put into words something I’ve been feeling for several months now but couldn't quite communicate. Talking online to people I don't know is a lot of work! I'm virtually exhausted.

In general while talking online I find it difficult to communicate my thoughts and feelings in writing.

"But Bryan...what about some of these wonderful blog's you've posted?! You seem to communicate quite well in writing!"

Well, in response to that I have a confession to make. I hate writing blog posts!

Ok, I don't hate it. Blog writing is my way of expressing my thoughts and feelings in a way that allows me to share those thoughts and feelings with others. However, doing so in a succinct and eloquent manner takes me quite some time and therefore, at times, really isn't all that enjoyable. If I could paint a picture or write a song to share with you instead, I'd do so in a heartbeat. Written communication really isn't my number one form of expression and is by far not my most enjoyable.

All that being said, written communication is vital as you befriend people you've never met. It is through your words that they get to know you. This for me presents a problem, as I don't often convey "me" accurately through written words, which often leaves false impressions regarding my thoughts, feelings, intent, personality, and character. Trying to combat that or correct it in the presence of a misunderstanding or comprehension failure during online communication with people I’ve never met can be exhausting.

It's just nice to talk to someone who can...

..specifically know, given the situation being discussed, what I mean when I say "..interesting" because they've heard me say it a million times under a million different circumstances.

..burst into laughter at my "LOL's" because they can truly picture me Laughing Out Loud

..because they know me, know my true intent in asking a question or making a statement


Someone who doesn't interpret the things that I say or my online actions as anything more than they are, and who when reading my words of disappointment, hurt, or confusion can simultaneously hear the confidence and strength in my voice and know that Bryan is just venting and as always he'll be just fine. I'd say that the past few weeks have resulted in a heightened sense of greatfullness for the friends in my everyday life who know me, sometimes better than I know myself.

As for the people I’ve come to know recently, well, they're quite wonderful! I have no doubt that they'd be just as wonderful in real life. I hope to one day be able to move from this online madness and partake in the joy of their physical presence.

I have many hugs to give!

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

You're Moving Where?!?!?!

Ever wanted to change the world? Yeah, neither did I!

So what compels a 25 year old guy with a great job, making great money, living in a great city with even greater friends and family close by, to drop it all and move to a small island in the South Pacific where he will live in an apartment with people he's never met and may not like, eat food he may not be able to stomach, re-live the early 90's with dial-up internet, have no cable TV, few modern amenities, and oh yeah, teach a bunch of teenagers some of whom may want nothing to do with him or a single thing he's going to teach!?

I've thought about this for quite some time actually. At times i've thought I had the answers only to realize that maybe I was wrong, and then began the process of thinking and praying all over again. Now almost 4 months later my heart delights in finally having found that answer. The answer is simply....

.. I Don't Know!

Ok, so not as profound as you were probably hoping, but hear me out....

For some reason my heart is in love with this place called the Federated States of Micronesia (the FSM). My friend Shawn can tell you that i've amassed so much knowledge about the FSM and it's inhabitatants that it's sometimes been scary. At first my desire to learn more about this tropical paradise was rooted in wanting to understand the experience he was having more intimately. However, as I studied and learned the details of this modern day garden of eden, I began to find myself wanting to experience it first hand. It was at that time that I learned of a Harvard affiliated organization whose sole purpose is to send educated men and women to developing nations to teach. Imagine my surprise upon finding out that not only did they have a dire need for teachers in the FSM, but that they specifically needed someone who could teach science. Having a Masters degree in Biochemistry and Molecular Biology with a Specialization in Biotechnology from Georgetown, and having worked as a Cancer Research Fellow at the National Cancer Institute of the National Institutes of Health, I immediately identified with the need that existed there. Fast forward almost 4 months later and I am accepted to this amazing program allowing me to teach in this great nation.

Will the road to the FSM be easy? Of course not. Will my time there be all cake and ice cream? I'd love to say yes but my PCV friends have more than confirmed that the answer will be no! Yet, me...Upper West Side Armani wearing me...is elated to kiss all of my comforts goodbye and move forward on this road to Pohnpei.

I'm not doing this to change the world. I'm not doing this because it will be easy. I'm not doing this because I don't think that there will be times that I miss "home" (wherever that is), my friends, my family, and the life I will have lead before I left. I realize that my life there will be different, and hope that afterwards it will never be the same.

We're all on a journey. We all move through life with purpose. Although our moving sometimes seems aimless, the purpose is not ours, but God's. It's hard to discern what we should and should not do as we travel along. Sometimes life becomes rough at best and human nature compels us to act somehow. So often I do act, all the while convincing myself that it's OK because God will not allow my "acting" to take me in a direction that He does not desire for me go in. Maybe that's true. Maybe it's not true. However, what I have found is that sometimes were it not for all of my "acting", "running", "over thinking", I would have experinced the tremendous peace (even joy) in the silence of life that only God can bring. So I move forward on this road to Pohnpei realizing that these are doors that only God could open and circumstances that only He could orchestrate. Yes it's scary and at times the present "comforts of home" are so much more enticing. However, I go forth knowing that He is with me.

As He continually inspires, perfects, and renews us, let us look to him for the Peace that surpasses all understanding, for the Joy that exceeds all sorrow, and for the Love that carries us through every trial.

Although our vision may be limited, His is limitless...

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Regina Spektor

Regina Spektor is my new love!

Friday, January 19, 2007

Everyone Loves A Little Death

...Cab that is.

I love this song and the video is oddly reminiscent of an emotional and mental state that I seem to be in right now (minus the female).

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Has My Sexuality Become My Idol?


I was having a conversation with my friend the other night about some of the many ways that God has been working in her heart and in her life. Both of them my great friends since college, her and her husband moved to Manhattan almost 2 years ago so that he could pursue a career in financial services. In doing so they went from a wonderfully comfortable life in sunny San Diego to barely making ends meet in crazy, uber expensive New York City. Of all the things my friend has had trouble adjusting to, it has been the lack of funds and difficulty making ends meet that has troubled, depressed, and broken her the most. It has been not knowing how they would pay the rent, provide their daughter with all that she needs and that they would like to give her, and simply being unable to enjoy all that life in one of the world’s greatest cities has to offer that has made her life here quite challenging.

As we spoke, she described to me a breaking point she experienced one day back in October of 2006, a day when she was so fed up and down trodden that she sat on a park bench after a full day at a job she hates, sobbing and prepared to pack her bags and go stay with her family in Pennsylvania. To this day she doesn’t know how she got up the strength to go back to her apartment, go to sleep, and wake up for work the next morning…but she did. In the days that followed she began to realize something in her self, something that began a process for great change. She began to realize that her finances had become her idol. She was no longer looking to God for direction, love, and support. She was so obsessed with her finances, or lack thereof…so obsessed with what others would think when she could no longer afford the rent or pay the bills..so worried about all that they couldn’t do, that God was no longer at the center of her life…this idol was.

As I listened to her I couldn’t help but ask myself…has my sexuality become MY idol? These days, being gay seems to be all I think about. My thought life seems to entail the following:

-What church will accept my being gay?
-When should I come out to my family?
-I need more gay friends
-Will I ever meet and marry the man of my dreams?
-What’s happening on GCN?
-Is gay really OK?
-Do I need to learn more about pro and anti-gay theology?

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. It seems that I’m constantly thinking, talking, and/or praying about my sexuality. Everything I seem to do lately has my sexuality at the center. I no longer walk into church with a mind prepared to hear from and worship God. Instead, I walk in wondering how “gay affirming” my “gay affirming” church really is. I no longer read my bible with the intent of drawing more closely to God and allowing him to speak into my heart. Instead, I read it seeking affirmation or disaffirmation of the truth I’ve come to believe about my being gay. I no longer sit with my Christian friends grateful for the love, fun, and fellowship. Instead I sit wondering how they would all react were they to find out that I’m gay. All of this and yet I’m the first person to become irritated at those who speak about my sexuality as though it’s the only thing that makes me “me”.

So what gives?

I guess part of coming out and accepting ones sexuality is diving into all the things (at least conceptually) that you’ve been ignoring or denying for all of the years that have gone before. However, over the past few days I’ve began to realize that there has to come a point in time where as Christians we realize that regardless of how big the issue may be in the church at large, our sexuality is only one small part of a much greater picture, a picture that involves a God who created us for great things and loves us unconditionally. My being gay should no more define my world than my friend’s being straight (or her finances) define hers. That’s not to say that my sexuality will not result in my feeling, experiencing, and responding differently to the world around me , but even still, it does not define me and it cannot (or should not) consume me. When it begins to consume me this gift (my sexuality) becomes a burden, and I do not believe that’s what it is meant to be.

So, by the grace of God, I am moving from that place where my sexuality seemed to dictate my every thought and deed, and moving towards a place where God is right where he belongs…smack dab in the center of my heart. Will it be easy? Probably not....but necessary nonetheless if i'm to be all that God is calling me to be.

Monday, January 08, 2007

It's Official...

I'm moving to Micronesia in July!!!




















(isn't she lovely...)

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

The Life that Love Brings

This will be a short post. I’m not as long winded of a poster as some of my blog crazy friends!

There is something wonderful in the air today. The birds are singing, the flowers are blooming, the sun is beaming, my heart is leaping, tears are flowing, a life is reborn…yet again. There is incense and amber…sunshine and twighlight. There is grace and gratitude…strength and weakness. And all of this, every detail, takes place inside of my soul.

The gift that I was told was not mine to receive is mine indeed. The joy that I was always informed was not mine to have, is mine for the taking. The peace I was often denied, is mine today. The life that love brings, was bought by none other than Christ himself, and when he did so…he thought of me.

His will has made me unique. His love has made me whole.

And so I carry on...