It's Been Some Time....

And it'll be just a bit longer!

Lots has been happening and lots continues to happen. I'm seeing God open certain doors and close others. Hmmm...i feel like I can truly say, meaning not just for the sake of drama, that this is the first time i've ever really allowed God to give me an answer to what the heck I should do. Things have always seemed to work out for me in the past inspite of my impatience, but this is the first time that I feel like i've truly "let go and let God". And guess what!?

It hurt like a mofo!

But I believe that I am, and will be, that much stronger in the end.

Anyway, I do have much to blog about, but it'll have to wait as I am...

OFF TO LONG BEACH, CA!!

WOOHOO!!!

Stay tuned....I may come back a blonde...

Later,
Bryan


PS: My birthday is March 28th. I take cash....

Holding Pattern

Holding Pattern: When Air Traffic Control has a flight turn away from the airport and remain at an assigned altitude instead of landing. The pilots then await further instructions.

A friend looked at me today and said ..."Are you OK? You've seemed a little melancholy the past few days."

I always find it slightly humorous when I realize that i'm not doing such a great job at hiding all of the things i'm trying to hide. I've been doing my best to carry a smile, and truth is, more often than not my smile hasn't been an artificial one. Yet, at the core of my emotions these days I am...well...melancholy. There's an emotional heaviness I carry which manifests itself behind each smile and within each laugh. These days I often find myself staring off into the distance, not really thinking of anything specific, but just existing in the moment. My brain is tired. My heart is tired. My body is tired. I'm in a holding pattern.

Holding pattern...in transition....in process...

These are all terms to describe where I am right now. I was preparing to land and then suddenly i'm turned away from the airport only to remain at some assigned altitude until I receive further instruction. At times I think that i'm neither the plane nor the pilot, but a mere passenger on this flight. Were I the plane or the pilot I might be tempted to land this thing myself. Yet, I find myself in a place where I am completly and totally reliant on God to direct my steps...to show me where to go, what to do, who to be, all the while trying to find the balance between faith and necessary action. I'm waiting to descend. I'm waiting anxiously for my feet to touch the ground and for "normal" life to resume.

So much is going on in my life right now, and it's funny to talk to the many groups of friends who know me as they all know small pieces of the much greater puzzle (although I suppose a new friend in Texas is probably more informed than most). :-) I suppose i'm just not up for small talk these days. Nor am I up for spending countless hours talking about myself. I know what i'm thinking, what i'm feeling, what i'm confused, hurt, frustrated, troubled, and happy about, and don't see the need to pour it out over and over again in conversation. As a result, I probably haven't been the best conversationalist in recent weeks as I just don't have much to say or do, but just listen. That being said, I suppose that this blog doesn't tell you much about what's actually going on in my world right now, nor does it adequately portray what's going through my head and my heart. Sorry!

I know that the process of being in process can mold and make us into bright shining lights, and I can feel and see the results of this all around me. Who knows what I will be when/if life returns to normal. Maybe this is my new normal. I don't know. My heart compels me to believe otherwise...