Dudes are weird, and a little Kaskade

I know, i'm slacking on the posts these days. Things are a bit busy at the moment, and while I have many thoughts and experiences, I rarely find myself with the time or energy to blog them out in a meaningful way. I'll sum up my experiences as of late by simply saying "dudes are weird".

Moving on...I’m attending Kaskade’s New York City album release party at Mansion next Friday. Kaskade has a pretty interesting story. He’s Mormon, and there aren’t too many Mormon DJ’s on the worldwide club scene. He’s a neat guy, with inspiring music, and absolutely fantastic beats. Next Friday should be fun. Get his album.

madness....

Fighting in the Boardroom

Got in a fight with a friend today, which was made more awkward by the fact that she's a coworker, which is made even more awkward by the fact that it was in the middle of a meeting (sigh). This really hasn't been my week.

Tomorrow should be interesting. And I hope and pray that i'll be less irritated with her, and her with me, when the morning comes. In the back of my mind I know life is way to short to be angry over something like this. But, in the meantime, I can't seem to get this song out of my head.



I believe in peace
I believe in peace

Sometimes when you're lost, you're closer than you think

if I was crying
in the van, with my friend
it was for freedom
from myself and from the land
I made a lot of mistakes
I made a lot of mistakes
I made a lot of mistakes
I made a lot of mistakes

you came to take us
all things go, all things go
to recreate us
all things grow, all things grow
we had our mindset
all things know, all things know
you had to find it
all things go, all things go

I'll Take The Round Peg Please

"You can’t fit a square peg into a round hole"

I’ve heard that saying a million times, and I’ve often applied it to my own life. Every time I did so, I was the square peg and life as I knew it, work, church, and certain friends, were the hole. Yet, life isn’t perfect. Sometimes we have grandiose ideas of what we’d like to achieve and who we’d like to become. In mine, I was a partnered father of two with a house in Connecticut and a successful interior design firm in the city. In my grandiose ideas life is fun, and comfortable, full of creativity and passion. Now, take a look at reality, in which I’m a single guy in New York City with a pretty good career in investment banking. No present partner and no where near getting one. No kids and no where near having any. And no interior design firm and, you guessed it, no where near having one. Life is sometimes boring. I’m sometimes much more lonely than I’d like to be. Community, good and persistent community, is very hard to come by, and sometimes I don’t know why the hell I’m still here. That is my life, and although at times I wish it were different, it is what it is and it’s really not too shabby.

It can be difficult to realize that the world you created in your head when you were young isn’t the world you were meant to have, and that that life isn’t the one you were meant to live. However, focusing on that can cause one to miss out on the life and the world which exists right before ones eyes. When I was a kid I was creative and passionate about all sorts of things that seemed to have disappeared when I became an adult. Truth is that creativity and passion are still there. As a kid such things were pretty much all of me. As an adult, they’re just a part of me. I’m ok with that. That’s how it’s supposed to be.

The round hole has really been me, while the square peg has been my expectations, and i'm tired of trying to make my life conform to my expectations. I guess I’m reaching the end of my quarter-life crisis, and to it I bid adeu.

- Bryan

Here's to Love

I should be pretty down today. The day was full of hearing things I didn’t want to hear, preparing to face things I really didn’t want to face, being presented with decisions that I’m really not ready to make (nor know how to), and to top it all off I did something really stupid…surprise surprise. Part of me wants to crawl into bed and stay there until someone comes and drags me out. Yet, I’m feeling pretty good right now. That could be the cookies I just ate, but…actually yeah, it’s probably the cookies I just ate. But in all seriousness, it’s cool when you can love someone enough to say "even if it’s not with me, the thought of you being happy makes me incredibly happy". That’s what I experienced tonight for the first time, and it’s put such a smile on my face.

So, although it’s a tad bit late for Valentines day, here’s to love in its many forms. Love may not always come the way we want it, but that doesn’t mean it’s unrequited.

- Bryan

The Necessity of Disappointment

For some reason I’ve found myself blogging like a mofo over the past few days/weeks. It really has been an outlet for many things, though I imagine that once the Spring kicks in I’ll have much less to say on here and far more to say and do “out there”. In my defense I have had a lot going on. Work has been a bit nuts with all of us wondering who will get the boot and when once new management takes over. I also find myself with more commitments through out the city over the next few weeks than I care to be a part of.

I just find myself annoyed tonight, and it’s mostly with a friend. I just need to chill out I’m sure. People are people, and sometimes people disappoint us in incredible ways. He’s an awesome guy, and a good friend. I guess I just expected him to realize how important something was to me, and he hasn’t. It seems like yet another example of why I shouldn’t put so much faith in people, friends included.

Maybe beneath the irritation is hurt? I don’t know. I can’t really tell the difference.

Peace,
Bryan

Sleepover Therapy

So I just finished a sleepover here in my apartment. I know, so junior high circa 1995. My best friend Anita was here, and we talked about anything and everything, as always, including, love, life, and the pursuit of happiness. She asked me a lot of questions about why I want to tell “him” how I feel. I had all the right answers, not really. She had some excellent advice and posed a few really good questions.

“Why can’t you just let it go and move on?” she asked.

“You know he doesn’t even feel the same way” she said.

“Anyway, if he did feel the same way, why doesn’t HE say something? Why is it always up to you?” she asked.

I’m thinking about these questions, and I’m wondering, why should I bother? What difference will it really make? Why risk a perfectly good friendship with a spectacular guy? And given how straight forward I’ve been in the past, why is it up to me to say something?

She’s gone home now, and after talking it out, I’m left, ONCE AGAIN, wondering if I should just move on in silence, keeping all of this to myself. If I had the slightest glimmer of hope, a tiny fraction of something, anything, that made me think that telling him could be worth it, I’d jump on it. But, the romantic piece of a person’s soul is difficult to reach when you’re friends. I mean…PFFFTT…you haven’t been romanced until you’ve been romanced by BLW. *eh hem* ok that was a bit much…sorry. But, maybe Anita is right. What do I have to gain? More importantly, why is this occupying so much of my time this week!

In other news…




I’M GOING TO SCANDINAVIA!!!!

Details to follow…

Bryan

Ready? Not really...

Last night a friend said, “Life can be very painful sometimes, but I don't think that avoiding happiness because it might bring about pain is the way to go. Without taking risks, life can be excruciatingly dull.”

The moment I read this I realized what’s been bothering me for the past week. I realized why I’ve made my home down in the dumps, which is certainly not like me. I realized that I need to say something. See earlier post for frame of reference.

I don’t need to say something to him because I think it will be reciprocated. I’ve already stated my thoughts on his feelings. I need to say something because in this situation, something in me is just not OK unless I say what’s on my mind and in my heart. Previously, I decided to swallow my own feelings because it just seemed pointless to do otherwise, but to my surprise, my heart is not complying. When did it become so bold?

I think I know how I’m going to do it, how i'm going to "say something", and It’s not going to be through a traditional phone call or uncomfortably long email. And no, I’m not going to write a sonnet, or sing a song, or send a box of chocolates. I’m going to do something I rarely do. Something that we all rarely do these days…

I risk making things really awkward between us. But, like my friend said “without taking risks, life can be excruciatingly dull.”

Am I ready? Nope.

Do I think this is the right thing to do? Yeah. I do.

...*sigh*...Lord help us all!

Salvation, Vulnerability, and Clothes, Oh My!

This is a photo by Duane Michals called "Salvation". Duane does a significant amount of photography featuring the male form, and, well...gay men.

Thought provoking...

On Vulnerability

How Vulnerable should one be? I suppose it depends on who you’re being vulnerable to. I find that I’m more vulnerable with certain friends than others. It feels a bit odd honestly. Tonight I shared with two friends (separate conversations) about the fact that I was freaking out about all the responsibilities I’ve taken on lately. I’ve been trying to be more transparent for a while now, but I must admit that opening up, even to friends, is still awkward. Yet, I know that I WANT to open up, otherwise I wouldn’t make it known that there’s something I need to open up about in the first place. That being said, I think, for right or wrong, there’s a certain level of vulnerability that I’ve only expected to reach in a romantic relationship. Yet, I’ve gotten dangerously close, not to a good relationship (le sigh) but to that level of vulnerability, and afterwards I’ve thought to myself “isn’t that something that I was only supposed to share with the person I fall in love with?”. I know…Bryan you foolish idealist you!

But really, if I share my heart and soul with someone who doesn’t long to share their heart and soul with me, what is left to share with someone who does want to share their heart and soul with me, and I don’t mean in a platonic way. Fortunately, I trust those that I’ve shared a great deal with enough to forcefully let go of the apprehension (and ideals…to some extent) and the friend that I’ve probably shared the most with I trust a great deal, which when I think about it, often makes me laugh as he’s several years younger, yet abnormally wise for his age.

Umm…yeah, I guess that’s that. I’m still waiting for someone with whom all of the guards can come down. I've had people, usually people I like, with whom i've desired to reach that level, but...i wouldn't let myself...seemed pointless.

In other news…

IT’S FASHION WEEK!

Lord prepare me for the material goodness that my eyes will behold.

For those who love clothes but don’t live in NYC…i’m sorry… I’ll try to take good pictures...







- Bryan

Last Man Standing

When I moved to NYC 3 years ago I made several friends. Some had been here for a few years more than I, some had only been here a few months longer than I, some arrived at exactly the same time. In the 3 years that i've lived here I slowly watched as new people came into my life, and those old friends, my first "New York City friends", left the city to pursue "life" elsewhere. Well, the last of that crew is finally leaving. She's moving to Ghana for her job in International Affairs. This means that I am, officially, the last man standing.

It's so odd to me to be in this position, because I can remember sitting on my friend Amy's apartment floor, with her, Debbie, Robin and I laughing at people on the Oscars and talking about how ready I was to leave New York City. Now, here I am with all of them gone, along with the rest of my original NYC friends. It does leave me a bit nostalgic. I think back to my first few months here in New York, and I really can't believe that i'm still here. But, in a good way.

Fortunately, I have many other friends and am always accepting applications for new ones. In that respect I suppose i'm not truly the last man standing, as that implies that i'm standing alone. I do kind of feel like I should get a prize.


Maybe i'll give Bloomberg a call.

My Distance and the Distant

I have friends all over the world. It’s pretty cool. But, there are seasons when those relationships just don’t do. Those friends, as dear to me as they are, can’t look into my eyes and see when I’m laughing to hold back the tears. Nor can they know the reasons behind the quiver in my voice.

Today, the distance is obvious, and it leaves me wondering if I’ve invested too much in people who will never be a part of my life here, and too little in those who could be, and are.

I’m feeling the need to take a few steps back today. Maybe I’ll feel differently tomorrow. Maybe not…

Follow up to "Oh How I love New York Nightlife....in Small Doses"

There were about 16 of us who went to Manahatta, a really great club in the East Village, to celebrate my bff’s birthday last night. A good time was had by all. It’s quite the trek from Morningside Heights to the East Village, which is why I seldom go to the East Village. That being said, the East Village does have some awesome bars, restaurants, clubs, lounges, etc. so it’s a great place to chill on a Friday or Saturday night.


Upon arrival I was fortunate enough not to have to wait in line because I was on the guest list. One of the things that irks me sometimes about the NYC night club scene is the long lines and the fact that some clubs are so pretentious. Getting in has never been a problem for me, but when I’m going out to have a good time I want to get excited about going out to have a good time, not work my nerves up by spending hours getting ready in order to give myself the best shot at getting in, which half the time, for guys, really just comes down to whether or not you’re with hot girls.

Anyway, as I walked past the guards and through the doors into deafening music and a sea of people, I realized something, something I already suspected. This “something” only became more evident as I attempted to make my way to the back of the lounge so that I could head downstairs to the club. As I tip-toed, wiggled, and inched my way through the throngs of people packed so tightly together that I feared death by asphyxiation, I realized 1) someone just grabbed my butt…eww, and 2) I’M TOO OLD FOR THIS CRAP! This is all rather amusing as there was a day, not long ago, when I loved the night club scene though pretentious it can sometimes be. I loved the loud music, the dancing, the lights, the entire vibe was just my “thing”. Now, I’ll take an apple martini over good conversation at a place like Buddakan over last night’s festivities any day of the week. I guess I’m growing up. Yay, I’m mature!

It was a great night though, regardless of how many times I looked at my watch and wondered how much more bumping and grinding I could really do before I crawled behind a curtain and went to bed. Good pictures were taken through out the night, and by “good” I mean incriminating pictures which will never see the light of day.

I didn’t get home until close to 5am. I was only able to get a few hours of sleep before I had to wake up and head to church for a brunch meeting after the service. It’s a gorgeous day today! However, the hour and a half I spent looking out the window at brunch plus the 5 minute walk from the bus stop to my house was enough for me to take the day in. I’m going to sleep.

Night!

Oh How I love New York Night Life....in Small Doses

Tomorrow is my best friend's birthday. We're celebrating it at a popular night club here in the city. She's quite the party girl (see picture to the right). She's also hot! Which...is totally lost on me cause i'm gay.

Anyway, tomorrow will be a good time i'm sure. I'm just more the "chilling out in a lounge" type than the "how long can I drink my kamikaze while dancing on this ridiculously small platform with 3 other sweaty people?" type.

Ah well. You're only young once. Plus, I got the moves to set that platform on FIRE!

For a friend...

This is for a friend who's been having a rough few weeks with family, life, and everything else.

If there's anything to say, if there's anything to do, If there's any other way, he'd do anything for you. :)



I have called you children, I have called you son.
What is there to answer if I'm the only one?
Morning comes in Paradise, morning comes in light.
Still I must obey, still I must invite.
If there's anything to say, if there's anything to do,
If there's any other way, I'll do anything for you.

I was dressed embarrassment.
I was dressed in wine.
If you had a part of me, will you take your time?
Even if I come back, even if I die
Is there some idea to replace my life?
Like a father to impress;
Like a mother's mourning dress,
If you ever make a mess, I'll do anything for you

I have called you preacher; I have called you son.
If you have a father or if you haven't one,
I'll do anything for you.

I did everything for you

Virtually Exhausted

Last night I was able to chat with one of my best friends on instant messenger. I haven't spoken to her in any depth for about 3 months for reasons that are probably outside the scope of this blog. I will say that there was no falling out nor was there any sort of misunderstanding. Things just sort of fell off as I focused on processing some things that were going on in my own life. As I sat there on my wobbly futon, chatting away I couldn't help but carry a grin that spanned from ear to ear. Here I was, chatting online with someone who's known me for 8 years, who I've spent countless hours with, laughing, chatting, harassing, eating, and chilling. Talking to her online was a much-needed breath of fresh air.

I've met some amazing people these past few months, most of whom I’ve met online. These people span the globe and possess unique, wonderful, and captivating personalities. However, as I sat chatting with my friend last night I was finally able to put into words something I’ve been feeling for several months now but couldn't quite communicate. Talking online to people I don't know is a lot of work! I'm virtually exhausted.

In general while talking online I find it difficult to communicate my thoughts and feelings in writing.

"But Bryan...what about some of these wonderful blog's you've posted?! You seem to communicate quite well in writing!"

Well, in response to that I have a confession to make. I hate writing blog posts!

Ok, I don't hate it. Blog writing is my way of expressing my thoughts and feelings in a way that allows me to share those thoughts and feelings with others. However, doing so in a succinct and eloquent manner takes me quite some time and therefore, at times, really isn't all that enjoyable. If I could paint a picture or write a song to share with you instead, I'd do so in a heartbeat. Written communication really isn't my number one form of expression and is by far not my most enjoyable.

All that being said, written communication is vital as you befriend people you've never met. It is through your words that they get to know you. This for me presents a problem, as I don't often convey "me" accurately through written words, which often leaves false impressions regarding my thoughts, feelings, intent, personality, and character. Trying to combat that or correct it in the presence of a misunderstanding or comprehension failure during online communication with people I’ve never met can be exhausting.

It's just nice to talk to someone who can...

..specifically know, given the situation being discussed, what I mean when I say "..interesting" because they've heard me say it a million times under a million different circumstances.

..burst into laughter at my "LOL's" because they can truly picture me Laughing Out Loud

..because they know me, know my true intent in asking a question or making a statement

Someone who doesn't interpret the things that I say or my online actions as anything more than they are, and who when reading my words of disappointment, hurt, or confusion can simultaneously hear the confidence and strength in my voice and know that Bryan is just venting and as always he'll be just fine. I'd say that the past few weeks have resulted in a heightened sense of greatfullness for the friends in my everyday life who know me, sometimes better than I know myself.

As for the people I’ve come to know recently, well, they're quite wonderful! I have no doubt that they'd be just as wonderful in real life. I hope to one day be able to move from this online madness and partake in the joy of their physical presence.

I have many hugs to give!