Life, or something like it...

It’s been a while since i’ve blogged. It’s been a crazy past few months and life has been pretty interesting as of late, in some ways good…in some ways bad. Work is insane, although it’s been more challenging (in a good way) than I can ever remember it being before. It’s good, but it’s tough, because in a group with 3 others who do what I do I’m supposedly the only one who has promise. The others may not even be around by the end of the year, not their decision of course, and the stress of trying to do everything perfectly as not to slip up and get grouped into the same category is starting to get to me. Of course there’s no shortage of sick relatives, as always, with my grandfather succumbing slowly to prostate cancer over the last few weeks. My mom is having major surgery in a few weeks. I managed to get into two pretty large fights in the same week, one with a good friend, and one with my best friend. I don’t know that my best friend and I will make amends, which after 10 years of friendship leaves me with very few words. Oh, and the economy sucks too…

So, why so grim a post? I don’t know. I think this was more for me than for anyone else. Sometimes it’s nice to just put it all out there, even when the only ones who will read it are strangers you’ll never know or see.

There’s something about adulthood that’s painful and pleasurable all at the same time. You realize that sometimes life sucks, but it doesn’t have to end there. What doesn’t kill you actually can make you stronger, and as an added benefit you can learn something in the process. I’m learning more than I care to right now, and I’m not sure what the end results will be.

C’est la vie. Enjoy the song...

Sometimes when you're lost, you're closer than you think

if I was crying
in the van, with my friend
it was for freedom
from myself and from the land
I made a lot of mistakes
I made a lot of mistakes
I made a lot of mistakes
I made a lot of mistakes

you came to take us
all things go, all things go
to recreate us
all things grow, all things grow
we had our mindset
all things know, all things know
you had to find it
all things go, all things go

A Question or Two - Just Because

If you could take back something you’ve said to someone you know, with pride no longer an obstacle, what would it be?

If you knew that tomorrow was your last day on earth, and you could spend it with someone you know doing something you love, who would you spend it with and what would you do?

I’m thinking of my answers…

Realize

I heard Colbie Caillat recently, and I’m pretty taken back by her talent. As you can hear, her voice is phenomenal, and chicks who play the guitar always make me swoon (in a non-heterosexual kind of way).

I love songs that actually mean something and that actually speak to the human experience, as opposed to the nice sounding gobly gook that some musicians put out there. "Realize" is particularly beautiful, and speaks to an emotional place we’ve all been in at some point or another.

Almost Friday

Moments: #2 – Giving Away The Gay “Outting myself in Jiu Jitsu class”

During your action packed testosterone infused Jiu Jitsu class, instead of appropriately referring to it as your Gi

You proceed to ask... “Where can I get new pants for my costume?”

*sigh*

Week of Perpetual Indulgence

For the past few weeks I’ve been on a half-marathon training program. A few days a week I would get up in the morning and run, some days 2 miles, most days more like 5 or 6, slowly working my way up to 13. However, for some reason over the past three weeks it became difficult to follow my training plan, culminating last week in major difficulty getting out to run, little energy while running, and even more difficulty resisting my desire to stuff my face with all things soaked in sugar and saturated fat. Of course the logical response to this weakening of the will is to just fight harder. But, who needs logic? So, I decided that I’d give in. For one week I’ve let myself indulge until I could indulge no more. I can’t say that there was much this week that I wanted that I didn’t allow myself to have, and that extends beyond the realm of food. If I thought about it, and it was within my control to attain, I did it, ate it, indulged in it. I did it all, and in excess.

So, what’s the end result of a week of perpetual indulgence? A sick stomach. Trouble sleeping. A guilty conscious. Zero energy. And a much greater appreciation for the spiritual practice of self-control. fun….

Starting Sunday I’m back on the wagon, with a 20+ mile running week, Jiu Jitsu classes on Monday and Wednesday, and a goal to limit my sugar intake drastically. Was this a good week? In some ways. It’s always refreshing to be reminded that I don’t always know what’s best for me or what the hell I’m doing, while gaining a newfound appreciation for the fact that God does. What a relief.

Sunday can’t come fast enough....



And if you get lost I'll always find you
You're all that I need your heart will keep you true
My only you

(insert witty title here)

Today has been a bit awkward in that I’ve spent it down in the dumps. I’m not sure why. It’s beautiful outside, a picturesque spring afternoon, and nothing has happened to make me feel blue. Yet, I do feel a bit blue. Bahumbug!

On days like this, where I wish I were home lying in bed, staring up at the ceiling, and thinking about nothing, I also wish there were someone that I could lie in bed and stare up at the ceiling with. I don’t know why the thought of intimacy makes the down days better, but it does.

However, since I’m single again (story for another blog, and no I wasn’t dumped…gotta save face, even online), I’ll trade holding someone I love for holding onto a chocolate chip cookie. That's fair compensation, no? I think I’ve earned it. Sort of.

Ok I had cookies last night for dinner...

I'll Take The Round Peg Please

"You can’t fit a square peg into a round hole"

I’ve heard that saying a million times, and I’ve often applied it to my own life. Every time I did so, I was the square peg and life as I knew it, work, church, and certain friends, were the hole. Yet, life isn’t perfect. Sometimes we have grandiose ideas of what we’d like to achieve and who we’d like to become. In mine, I was a partnered father of two with a house in Connecticut and a successful interior design firm in the city. In my grandiose ideas life is fun, and comfortable, full of creativity and passion. Now, take a look at reality, in which I’m a single guy in New York City with a pretty good career in investment banking. No present partner and no where near getting one. No kids and no where near having any. And no interior design firm and, you guessed it, no where near having one. Life is sometimes boring. I’m sometimes much more lonely than I’d like to be. Community, good and persistent community, is very hard to come by, and sometimes I don’t know why the hell I’m still here. That is my life, and although at times I wish it were different, it is what it is and it’s really not too shabby.

It can be difficult to realize that the world you created in your head when you were young isn’t the world you were meant to have, and that that life isn’t the one you were meant to live. However, focusing on that can cause one to miss out on the life and the world which exists right before ones eyes. When I was a kid I was creative and passionate about all sorts of things that seemed to have disappeared when I became an adult. Truth is that creativity and passion are still there. As a kid such things were pretty much all of me. As an adult, they’re just a part of me. I’m ok with that. That’s how it’s supposed to be.

The round hole has really been me, while the square peg has been my expectations, and i'm tired of trying to make my life conform to my expectations. I guess I’m reaching the end of my quarter-life crisis, and to it I bid adeu.

- Bryan

I'm Ready...

...for the weekend...



Switch me on
Turn me up

Goldfrapp On The Brain

It’s odd how much social networking sites like myspace and facebook, as well as email and text messages, have connected us in a way that when we’re not “virtually around” it’s the equivalent of having fallen off the face of the earth. I’ve been virtually MIA lately, at least that’s what I’ve heard, as I’ve found myself having infrequent communication with friends via any of these methods. Those who have experienced my distance the most, I suppose, have been those friends who live far away. I made an attempt this week to resurface by reactivating my facebook account, only to feel more content by deactivating it again.

It’s nice having so many friends who live all over the United States. Yet, sometimes I feel like something is missing, and that I expect things from those relationships that the distance makes impossible. I’ve said it before, but I feel like I invest too much in people who can never be more than a plane ride away, and too little in those who are here. Makes sense, at least for me. It’s much easier to be transparent with someone who can’t actually see and experience your transparency. But, I’m finding that email, text messages, and phone calls can only do so much. It’s the smile, the smell, the touch, the laugh, the expressions of joy, sorrow, excitement, discontentment that I need these days. It’s kinda nice to be with people who know what the face you just made really means, and that kind of knowing someone takes time…time together.

In the technological age its become so easy to equate phone calls, emails, and IM conversations to time spent together, one on one, face to face. I suppose it can be a substitute when it’s with someone you’ve already spent significant time with, like my phone conversations with a close friend from college who lives in Pennsylvania. But, right now, anything outside of that seems to fall short. Not a waste of time, just…not enough, and not satisfying.

So, I’m Goldfrapping it…



I was feeling lonely, feeling low
Feeling like I needed you
Like I hoped you'd call and hoped you'd see me

Daydreamin'

It’s easy to think about day dreaming as a simple and meaningless escape, and no doubt, sometimes it really is. But, sometimes it just serves as a way to hang onto thoughts, feelings, experiences, and people, that we really need to let go of. How many times have you day dreamed about a date with that guy you like but doesn't like you, or that house you want but can't afford, or what you’d do with that bonus you probably won't get, or that car you can’t afford, or some form of intimacy with that person you can’t have? I do it all the time. Sometimes it’s meaningless, but sometimes it creates expectations that will probably never be fulfilled. Just as important, it sets up expectations of that “thing” you’re day dreaming about which that “thing” may never be able to meet.

Yesterday on the train this guy was standing next to me. He kept checking me out while trying to pretend to read his newspaper. I only knew this because, well, he was cute and tall and I was kind of checking him out too. At one point I looked at him when he was glaring at me and we both started laughing. He had such a great smile. Two seconds later it was my stop, so I got off, and that was the end of it.

What does this story have to do with daydreaming? Well, similar experiences to the above have occurred a few times in the past two weeks, and BOY has it been fun! But at some point last night between talking to a friend about how to accessorize her home (so gay) and trying to decide what my weekend plans would consist of, I realized that nothing ever materialized over the past two weeks because 1) I’m shy, and 2) none of the guys I’ve flirted with, talked to, or chilled out with were like the ones I envision in my ridiculously romantic daydreams, or as seemingly compatible with me as my friend that I had feeli…eh, we all know that story by now. No guy will meet the criteria of the one in my head, and they shouldn’t have to, but…tell that to my overly shy refuses to “date” would rather fall in love with a friend, head. Something's gotta give.

So, the moral of the story is that every time you daydream a puppy dies…

Bryan

Birthday Ideas...

My passport came today, which is shocking considering that I just submitted the application last week. However, my dream of a birthday in Montreal is still out of the question since none of my friends can afford to go to Montreal with 3 weeks notice. I’ve decided that the lounge thing just isn’t in me this year. The idea of planning it is exhausting. The more I think about it, the more I want to do something outside of New York City anyway. So far I’ve considered Rockland County NY, Portland OR, Seattle WA, Las Vegas NV, even Austin TX for heavens sake (no offense to Austin as I’m sure it’s a great little town!). I’d like to include friends in whatever I do, but that puts anywhere outside of the greater NYC area out of the question. At one point I thought, “hey maybe I’ll go camping upstate!!” But that was a no go. I love the outdoors. I can be outdoors for hours upon hours and part of my looking at the places I have so far is due to the fact that they have lots to do outdoors. However, I’ve always been a firm believer that doing things outdoors is that much more fun when you can retreat to the comfort of the indoors at the end of the day. From this I will not be swayed!

As I’m thinking about it, maybe I can travel somewhere for my birthday, but do so with the intent to give back to others in some way shape or form. What better way to celebrate the life you’ve been given than to use it to bless someone else’s. I’d still be away, maybe with friends (most likely only if I travel to a GCN hotspot) and maybe that in itself would be celebration enough. Perhaps this is something to explore…

- Bryan

Happy Birth Month!

On March 28th 2008 I will be...you may want to sit down for this...27!!!

Not quite sure what I’m doing yet. Of the things that I’ve considered are:

-Having a party at a lounge
-A dinner cruise around the city with a few close friends
-Packing up and leaving town for a nice long weekend.

Right now, I'm leaning towards going out of town since that's the least amount of hassle. A friend suggested I get some people together and head to Montreal since it's only an hour and a half away. I LOVED that idea! But alas, my passport hasn't arrived yet. Plus, it's a little short notice to get enough friends together to make it worth it. I could head to Southern California! But, it would do me well to experience another part of the US, preferably one I haven't visited every year since 2003.

Regardless of where I go or what I do, as I approach my birthday this month i'm just trying to remember what matters most...that I'm aging gracefully.

Cheers!
Bryan

Good Day New York

As I lie in bed this morning, taking in all of the sunlight that comes in through my windows (thank God for the gift of unobstructed sky in Manhattan!), listening to the sounds of the street below, I thought about how much New York feels like home with each year that passes by. I still have my moments when I think about the cost and other sacrifices I make to live here. The amount that I pay for my tiny apartment could get me a really big house elswhere. And coming from the Pennsylvania suburbs, I know that in many ways life would be much simpler elsewhere. That is what, at times, makes staying here so difficult. Sure, I have my laundry washed and folded (which of course costs $), but that's because there's no laundry in my building and sitting at a laundromat for 3 - 4 hours when you hate doing laundry in the first place is far from appealing. I'd much rather have a washer and dryer in my apartment. Yes, we New Yorkers can take public transportation everywhere, but public transportation can be a major pain. There are many days when I wish I were driving to my destination in the privacy of my own car rather than packed like a sardine in a subway car which is sitting in the tunnel because of "train traffic ahead". Or the simple fact that it takes 35-40 minutes to get to work, when meanwhile work is less than 4 miles away.

Sacrifices are a part of life no matter where you are, and after continuously evaluating those sacrifices since moving here in 2005, I always come to the conclusion that the sacrifices I make here are well worth it. I may not call New York home forever, but i’m happy to call it home for now.

-Bryan

PS: In case you're wondering what the above picture has to do with NYC, it's actually a picture taken in Fort Tyron Park, here in Manhattan.

Giving Up - The Sequel

I received excellent advice today from a friend. He said “…don't continue to let the "fantasy" of what's created in your own mind be a blindspot to what you deserve.”

He also said, “Live for today...you can't predict tomorrow.”

It’s all very simple yet profound advice.

So, I give up. That’s Ok with me. It’s a good thing.

Moments: #1 – Giving Away The Gay “Outting myself at work”

A conversation yesterday with a guy friend from work


Bryan: I can’t WAIT until March 20th

Vivy: Why? Oh let me guess. It’s the first day of spring….!

Bryan: Yup!

Vivy: Oh PLEASE!

Bryan: What?!

Vivy: That is so bogus! March 20th is such an arbitrary man made number. Who says that’s the first day of spring?!?!

Bryan: Ummm….JESUS!

Vivy: (cold stare)

Bryan: Ok maybe not. But still! It’s the first official day of Spring! It may not be warm outside but everyone knows that after March 20th it soon will be. That’s why everyone looks forward to it!

Vivy: Why do we always need to look ahead to when things WILL be good, why can’t we just enjoy the here and now. Why do we need to define the seasons at all?!?!

Bryan: We have to define the seasons…

Vivy: what?! WHY?!

Bryan: Dude! We HAVE To. What would the fashion industry do without defined seasons!?!?!

Bryan: What….are we gonna say “Oh look it’s the getting slightly cooler and the leaves are changing colors 2008 collection” Or let me guess “It’s the look the weather is becoming nice and temperate while the flowers are starting to grow 2008 collection”

Bryan: That’s RIDICULOUS!

Vivy: (silence)

Bryan: …........

Bryan: ....what?

Giving Up?

I’ve had this question floating around in my mind for the last few days, although it didn’t actually become a question that I could verbalize until a minute ago. The question is, when do you give up? It could be giving up on a person, on a situation, a job, a love, a dream. When do you finally say “…enough is enough. I give up”? I mean, I know we’re always told from the time we’re wee babes that giving up is not an option, that it’s a cop out. But, sometimes giving up is the right thing to do. Sometimes it’s the only thing to do.

Do you give up on that person, situation, job, love, dream even when your gut tells you, contrary to your experience, that what you want is attainable? Our guts aren’t always right, at least mine isn’t. Sometimes following your gut only makes things worse. So, when your gut says give it time, do you listen?

I’m very black and white. I like to fully understand how I feel and what I think, and then decide on a course of action. It’s my being black and white that makes me want to say “I give up” or “I won’t give up”, and not knowing which position to take makes me quite frustrated. There are things that I want to give up, things that seem like lost causes, but my gut says “don’t”. Shut up gut!

Maybe “gut” and “hope” are one in the same? Both can lead us to tremendous joy, or tremendous sorrow. The tricky part is deciding which outcome is worth the risk.

- Bryan

Here's to Love

I should be pretty down today. The day was full of hearing things I didn’t want to hear, preparing to face things I really didn’t want to face, being presented with decisions that I’m really not ready to make (nor know how to), and to top it all off I did something really stupid…surprise surprise. Part of me wants to crawl into bed and stay there until someone comes and drags me out. Yet, I’m feeling pretty good right now. That could be the cookies I just ate, but…actually yeah, it’s probably the cookies I just ate. But in all seriousness, it’s cool when you can love someone enough to say "even if it’s not with me, the thought of you being happy makes me incredibly happy". That’s what I experienced tonight for the first time, and it’s put such a smile on my face.

So, although it’s a tad bit late for Valentines day, here’s to love in its many forms. Love may not always come the way we want it, but that doesn’t mean it’s unrequited.

- Bryan

The Necessity of Disappointment

For some reason I’ve found myself blogging like a mofo over the past few days/weeks. It really has been an outlet for many things, though I imagine that once the Spring kicks in I’ll have much less to say on here and far more to say and do “out there”. In my defense I have had a lot going on. Work has been a bit nuts with all of us wondering who will get the boot and when once new management takes over. I also find myself with more commitments through out the city over the next few weeks than I care to be a part of.

I just find myself annoyed tonight, and it’s mostly with a friend. I just need to chill out I’m sure. People are people, and sometimes people disappoint us in incredible ways. He’s an awesome guy, and a good friend. I guess I just expected him to realize how important something was to me, and he hasn’t. It seems like yet another example of why I shouldn’t put so much faith in people, friends included.

Maybe beneath the irritation is hurt? I don’t know. I can’t really tell the difference.

Peace,
Bryan