Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Matters of the Heart


When do you tell someone that you like them?

What level of emotion (or “like” if you will) warrants telling someone how you feel?

If that person is a friend, and you’re fairly positive that the feeling isn’t mutual, do you still say something? If so, why? What good will it do?

If that person is a friend, and you’re not sure if the feeling is mutual, how much “in like” makes telling them how you feel, worth it?

With Valentines Day fast approaching, I’ve been thinking about these questions. There are two people in my life, both friends, and I can’t quite figure out what I feel towards them. The one I probably do have some level of romantic feelings for, while the other is just a wonderful friend. One of them I’m positive has no feelings for me, while it’s quite possible that the other may. As life would have it, of course the one I may have feelings for is not into me. Yet, at times I find myself wanting to be honest about how I feel, which seems completely pointless and futile given the circumstances. I mean, no, I’m not in love. At the most I’m “in like”. I don’t think about him every hour of every day, and I have always been, and hopefully still am, Ok with the idea of him seeing other people. So, technically I should be fine without saying a word. Yet, there are still moments, although few and random, when I do feel like blurting out “Unfortunately, I think I like you!”. Although, I suppose beginning with “unfortunately” probably wouldn’t go over so well. In the end, I doubt I’ll say a word. I’m not on his romantic radar, which I’ve accepted, but have found it odd that accepting that doesn’t make me care any less.

I do wonder about the other friend. I think he’s attractive. He’s funny. We have a good bit in common, and we get along well. Why DON’T I have feelings for him? I’m not convinced that we’re (meaning human beings) always the best at knowing who is best for us. I’m not convinced that the people we like are really the people that we should have something with, and I’m not convinced that sometimes the people we don’t like aren’t people worth pursuing something with. I don’t think what we’re attracted to is as innate as we give it credit. I think a good bit of it is formed through experience. Having many friends of Indian descent whose parents’ marriage was arranged, I’ve seen this first hand. I remember one of my friends telling me a story about how her mother and father did not see one another until their wedding day, and how when they were married her mother wept for days because her new husband was so much darker than she had hoped he’d be. They didn’t get along too well at first, and I think it was at least 2 years before they even consummated their marriage. But, today, they’re still together and quite happy.

All of this leaves me thinking, not just about my own dilemma, but just about romance in general. How much of who we pursue is automatic, and how much is based on choice?

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Last Man Standing


When I moved to NYC 3 years ago I made several friends. Some had been here for a few years more than I, some had only been here a few months longer than I, some arrived at exactly the same time. In the 3 years that i've lived here I slowly watched as new people came into my life, and those old friends, my first "New York City friends", left the city to pursue "life" elsewhere. Well, the last of that crew is finally leaving. She's moving to Ghana for her job in International Affairs. This means that I am, officially, the last man standing.

It's so odd to me to be in this position, because I can remember sitting on my friend Amy's apartment floor, with her, Debbie, Robin and I laughing at people on the Oscars and talking about how ready I was to leave New York City. Now, here I am with all of them gone, along with the rest of my original NYC friends. It does leave me a bit nostalgic. I think back to my first few months here in New York, and I really can't believe that i'm still here. But, in a good way.


Fortunately, I have many other friends and am always accepting applications for new ones. In that respect I suppose i'm not truly the last man standing, as that implies that i'm standing alone. I do kind of feel like I should get a prize.


Maybe i'll give Bloomberg a call.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

With age comes wisdom, and with wisdom comes...some other stuff i'm not so sure I want to see...

The changes that occur as I get older are sometimes scary. I’ve found that said changes are rarely gradual, and to me, quite obvious. At some point over the past two years I officially became a New Yorker. Or, shall I say, I officially accepted the fact that I’m a New Yorker (there’s a rather big difference between those two statements). I’ve either become, or realized that I always was, someone who becomes self-absorbed as a means of dealing with those things/situations/issues with which I’m uncomfortable. At times I place too much value on what I have, too much confidence in having a life that seems so well put together, and take refuge in things that are and always will be fleeting. All of these realizations have come in the past year or so. Who knew that there was so much truth to becoming older and wiser? But in the midst of all of this there seems to be so much work left to do. Being only 26, I look at the life that sits before me (hopefully a very long and prosperous one) and I think to myself, at 26, am I too old to change? Have I become so set in my ways that even my own desires to improve upon my imperfections is a task to great? I’ll never know if I don’t try I suppose. I believe that humility is almost always just a decision away, and in the end, isn’t that at the root of so many of the issues I’ve expressed?

Another thing that I’ve begun to realize as I’ve gotten older, perhaps the most discomforting thing, is how much I desire companionship. Why so scary? I suppose because I’ve taken great pride in being independent. I’ve had no qualms about living away from and outside of my comfort zone ever since I was 17. I’ve always boasted about my love for a life lived in solitude, and I’ve always been comforted by my own assertion that in the end I don’t need anyone, friend or otherwise. Yet, as of late, I’ve begun to realize that I’m not immune to the need for companionship, as several of my posts in the last 6 months have alluded to. For a long time I’ve blamed my discontent with solitude and singleness on having few friends here in New York City, on New York City itself, on poor church community, work, lack of hobbies, and many other elusive yet ominous circumstances. But now, here I sit with an ever expanding circle of friends, with a calendar already full of get togethers, parties, and events between now and the end of March, with a career in which doors continue to open, with not just one but TWO awesome churches, and with a magnificent balance through it all. And still I find, in the quiet, that a piece of me remains unsettled, and that piece desires to share the silence with another. .

Now, I’m not depressed. I’ve got it good and I’m rather happy and content. These thoughts don’t regularly cross my mind. But, tonight they did, and I wonder how much time will pass before they cross my mind more regularly, before a wish becomes an ache. Maybe that will never happen. Hopefully not! If it does, I’m marrying one of my friends. I’m not sure which one (although I have my ideas), and it may be against his will but ...oh well. Whoever he is, he could do SO much worse!

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

My Distance and the Distant

I have friends all over the world. It’s pretty cool. But, there are seasons when those relationships just don’t do. Those friends, as dear to me as they are, can’t look into my eyes and see when I’m laughing to hold back the tears. Nor can they know the reasons behind the quiver in my voice.

Today, the distance is obvious, and it leaves me wondering if I’ve invested too much in people who will never be a part of my life here, and too little in those who could be, and are.

I’m feeling the need to take a few steps back today. Maybe I’ll feel differently tomorrow. Maybe not…

Sunday, January 13, 2008

On the Way Home


Took this while walking home tonight.
It was cold.
It was quiet.

It was nice.



Friday, January 11, 2008

Follow up to "The Goofball Within" - Not So Goofy Afterall

I've been thinking a lot about my earlier post "The Goofball Within". Well, actually I haven't been thinking about it all that much. But, there have definitely been moments where the questions that I asked in that post have come to mind, and I think I’ve finally arrived at an answer. Simply put …I don’t give a crap!

Hmmm… “I don’t give a crap” ...there’s that Georgetown education at work YET again!

Anyway, poor grammar aside, my point is that i'm completely, perfectly, and unabashedly content with the person that I am...goofball or no goofball. I make no excuses for that. Inauthenticity really isn’t an option for me. I just don’t have that kind of will power. So, I will continue with my inappropriate jokes and dry sarcasm, and my inappropriate photos with the Charging Bull were probably not my last. Viva la Goofballs!

Cheers!