Follow up to "The Goofball Within" - Not So Goofy Afterall

I've been thinking a lot about my earlier post "The Goofball Within". Well, actually I haven't been thinking about it all that much. But, there have definitely been moments where the questions that I asked in that post have come to mind, and I think I’ve finally arrived at an answer. Simply put …I don’t give a crap!

Hmmm… “I don’t give a crap” ...there’s that Georgetown education at work YET again!

Anyway, poor grammar aside, my point is that i'm completely, perfectly, and unabashedly content with the person that I am...goofball or no goofball. I make no excuses for that. Inauthenticity really isn’t an option for me. I just don’t have that kind of will power. So, I will continue with my inappropriate jokes and dry sarcasm, and my inappropriate photos with the Charging Bull were probably not my last. Viva la Goofballs!

Cheers!

The Goofball Within

I’m an intelligent, caring, successful businessman, who also happens to be a total… goofball. *sigh*

This is something that makes me laugh and that makes me feel awkward at the same time. It makes me laugh because, well…I do some of the silliest, craziest, most nonsensical things! I love to laugh and I love being around people who also love to laugh. One of the greatest feelings is busting a gut with someone you care about. However, while many women find a humorous guy attractive (particularly when he also has a brain) I don’t know that most gay guys do. It goes back to my idea that many men are influenced, foremost, by appearance and perception, whereas women tend to be, foremost, influenced by emotions. It’s almost as if to say that many women are initially influenced by what’s happening in their heart, whereas men tend to be influenced by what’s happening in their groins. Ok that’s harsh…but I’m not quite ready to say that it’s untrue. Some have tried to convince me otherwise, but I have yet to hear a compelling argument.

So, what’s a goofball to do? I could easily assume the role of the sophisticated New Yorker. I have to do it often because of my line of work and some of the circles I travel in, although I’m naturally more laid back. I could hold back my laughter. I could refrain from wise cracks and dry sarcasm. I could only speak when I have something highly intelligent and unamusing to say. I’d certainly feel more mature, I suppose. And, perhaps, I’d meet someone who would see me as more than just a really cool friend.

Hmmm…I’m not sure what I think on this matter. I’m not sure what I’d be sacrificing, or gaining, in the end. What is the difference between bettering oneself, and becoming someone you were never meant to be? What is and isn't necessary, and where is the line?

This is me...

The past few days I’ve been hearing a lot about the “gay community”. It’s all been pretty focused around those things about the gay community and it’s members which are undesirable (i.e. too fem = not masculine enough, too into fashion = superficial, the list goes on). Interestingly enough, this has all come from other gay men and women. In my desire to not fit those stereotypes I’ve found myself evaluating all of my own stereotypically gay tendencies to see how I measure up (or in this case…DON’T measure up, as that would be most desirable).

I’ve met a lot of gay men and women over the past year and a half who profess a devout faith in Christ. The large majority of them are amazing people. However, so many of them seem to have conditions. So many seem to take pride in those things that set them apart from the rest of the gay community (i.e. I’m gay but I’m not THIS type of gay). I’ve found myself doing the same thing. However, I’m getting to the point where I’m realizing what true self-acceptance is, and so much of what I’ve looked down upon in others are things which I first looked down upon within myself. Not because those things were inherently wrong, but because they set me apart. They made my difference that much more obvious.

So, as I was doing my thing in this great big city tonight I couldn’t get these thoughts out of my head, all those things that I try to pretend I’m not that I really am. Some of it is just part of my design and nothing that can or should be changed. Others things I need to work, some of which I have been and some of which I haven't. Regardless, all of it is what make me me, the good with the bad.

So, this is me…

I like clothes and fashion….a lot. I can look at a dress, tell you if it’s designer, and sometimes even who made it.

I admire women’s shoes.

I like America’s Next Top Model, although I don’t watch it regularly

I sometimes find celebrities intriguing, and enjoy the occasional catch up on what’s happening in their lives.

I hate spiders….i freak out at the sight of them

I admire great wealth and power, but I’m conscious of it’s place in the world and in life

I can be a total flake when it comes to friends and family

I’m way to self-conscious

I pretend not to care about things that I really do care about

I can easily dismiss an important relationship over the slightest offense. Easier to hurt than to be hurt.

I sometimes, when I see a family on the train, wonder what my children will look like, and picture them in my arms.

I get emo over hallmark commercials

I’m my worst critic, nothing I do is ever good enough, my successes could have been more successful

I had my first sexual experience when I was 9. Way too young and far too damaging.

I want to help the people I love to know how much I love them back, but don’t know how

I wish I could accept other’s love, but I find that difficult to do

I really really like Madonna.

I’m not very trusting, not even of those I’m close to, I often expect for them to intentionally hurt or disappoint me somehow

I sometimes feel like enough isn’t really enough, I don’t want to want more, but I do

I crush easily, but I fall for no one

My mind often wanders, and sometimes to places it shouldn't

I miss the me that existed 4 years ago, ignorance is sometimes bliss

I love sweets, I can easily say screw dinner and go to town on a batch of chocolate chip cookies instead.

I instinctively look to anything pleasurable as a means to forget

I only like thunderstorms when other people are around

I’d like to learn to play the guitar so I can woo cute boys with my sultry voice. hehe

I don’t like the winter so much, it’s dark way too often…kinda depresses me

I pretend not to notice that i’m often the only brown face in the room, but I notice

I pretend to be stronger than I am, to the point where I’m not as tender as I should be

I sometimes feel embarrassed when I’m offended, so I pretend not to be offended

I wish I could let go

I wish I could grab hold

I sometimes wish I could go back in time, to that chubby 14 year old kid staring at the pills in the medicine cabinet and wishing he had the guts to do the only thing he thought would bring him some peace, and tell him it’ll all be okay…because it was okay..

...and I believe that it gets even better (ahh...there's that optimism!)

I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness.
Jeremiah 31:3

My Visual DNA

It's been a quiet weekend at home. I thought it would suck, but in actuality it hasn't been so bad.

Anyway, to pass some time tonight I did the "My Visual DNA" test. It's a test where you look at different photographs and based on the question being asked, choose the photograph that registers with you the most. Below are the results of my test. I'm always quite surprised after these tests as for me, they tend to be fairly accurate (unless i'm dillusional and have horrible self-perception). Anyway, enjoy...


Mood: Easy Rider

You're a bit of a romantic and have a taste for the exotic. You love feeling the sea breeze in your hair, sun on your skin... Slip those shoes off... You like to kick back. When it comes to art, you appreciate precision and hard work - real craftsmanship. You appreciate the history of a piece, the stories that it holds - you are a touch sentimental! As for music, it's the soundtrack to your world. You like to unwind and switch off: it gives you a break from reality. Your choice of treat shows you love being a little bit naughty. Being good all the time is a bore. You've got a good sense of fun and maybe an infectious giggle.


Fun: Escape Artist

You love to be far away from your everyday life. You love the sun, and like to live life at a slower pace than most - you know how to take things nice and easy! When it comes to holidays, you'll take experience over comfort every time, whether under canvas or under the stars. You love the chance to be in the wilderness and the freedom of being in charge of where you're heading. What grosses you out? Good manners are essential. Prodding, poking and picking get your "Yuk" factor ticking.


Habits: Junkie Monkey

Even if you have a healthy approach to life, you still have your little vices that keep you going. It is all part of the routine, you're a creature of habit. You're not neurotic about making healthy choices... You've got more of an easy going and carefree approach to your lifestyle. and a sweet tooth too. As for the home, you favour a cosy, home spun look. you dig the D-I-Y vibe big time.



Love: Home Soul

You're a real home soul. You care deeply about family life and all that comes with it, the love of a child very special. When you think of freedom - you think of being in charge of your direction. The open road and a full tank can take you pretty much anywhere.