With age comes wisdom, and with wisdom comes...some other stuff i'm not so sure I want to see...

The changes that occur as I get older are sometimes scary. I’ve found that said changes are rarely gradual, and to me, quite obvious. At some point over the past two years I officially became a New Yorker. Or, shall I say, I officially accepted the fact that I’m a New Yorker (there’s a rather big difference between those two statements). I’ve either become, or realized that I always was, someone who becomes self-absorbed as a means of dealing with those things/situations/issues with which I’m uncomfortable. At times I place too much value on what I have, too much confidence in having a life that seems so well put together, and take refuge in things that are and always will be fleeting. All of these realizations have come in the past year or so. Who knew that there was so much truth to becoming older and wiser? But in the midst of all of this there seems to be so much work left to do. Being only 26, I look at the life that sits before me (hopefully a very long and prosperous one) and I think to myself, at 26, am I too old to change? Have I become so set in my ways that even my own desires to improve upon my imperfections is a task to great? I’ll never know if I don’t try I suppose. I believe that humility is almost always just a decision away, and in the end, isn’t that at the root of so many of the issues I’ve expressed?

Another thing that I’ve begun to realize as I’ve gotten older, perhaps the most discomforting thing, is how much I desire companionship. Why so scary? I suppose because I’ve taken great pride in being independent. I’ve had no qualms about living away from and outside of my comfort zone ever since I was 17. I’ve always boasted about my love for a life lived in solitude, and I’ve always been comforted by my own assertion that in the end I don’t need anyone, friend or otherwise. Yet, as of late, I’ve begun to realize that I’m not immune to the need for companionship, as several of my posts in the last 6 months have alluded to. For a long time I’ve blamed my discontent with solitude and singleness on having few friends here in New York City, on New York City itself, on poor church community, work, lack of hobbies, and many other elusive yet ominous circumstances. But now, here I sit with an ever expanding circle of friends, with a calendar already full of get togethers, parties, and events between now and the end of March, with a career in which doors continue to open, with not just one but TWO awesome churches, and with a magnificent balance through it all. And still I find, in the quiet, that a piece of me remains unsettled, and that piece desires to share the silence with another. .

Now, I’m not depressed. I’ve got it good and I’m rather happy and content. These thoughts don’t regularly cross my mind. But, tonight they did, and I wonder how much time will pass before they cross my mind more regularly, before a wish becomes an ache. Maybe that will never happen. Hopefully not! If it does, I’m marrying one of my friends. I’m not sure which one (although I have my ideas), and it may be against his will but ...oh well. Whoever he is, he could do SO much worse!