So my long weekend in Pennsylvania comes to a close. I’m actually writing this as I sit on the train heading back to the City. It was good to see my parents and to spend some quality time with them and the rest of my family. This was the first time that I’ve seen them since coming out to them a few months ago. For the most part, everything was still the same. But to be honest, I still felt a little odd, somewhat out of place. There was no real mention of the conversation we had a few months ago. On the one hand I didn’t want there to be, but on the other hand I feel like it’s needed. I want to know where they are in processing all of this. I want to know what they think now that they’ve had a few months to mull it over. I did make a few comments to my mom at times which somehow related to my being gay. She handled them quite well. I was also able to vent to her my concerns over the fact that my dad hasn’t said anything about the topic (to her or me) since the first week or so after I told him. It was nice being able to vent to her about it all.
I don't really know what to think. I should be so happy that my parents responded well to my coming out, and I truly am. But, being around them makes me realize how far we all have to go in this process. To be honest, there’s a part of me that wishes I could go back in time and undue it all. Since I can’t, there were times this weekend when I thought that it would be so much easier to just disappear. Yes, a copout I know, but easier nonetheless…at least on the surface. I want things to move so much faster than they are. I want to hear their conclusion on this whole gay and Christian topic. However, the truth is that they probably don’t have a conclusion, and it’s that open ended-ness (if that’s truly a word) that makes me uncomfortable/scared. Can they really handle having an openly gay son? It just doesn’t fit into the world and the circles that they travel in. Can the rest of my family handle having an openly gay member? Perhaps a better question is, am I capable of handling being openly gay around my family?
It's the unknown that I don't know how to handle. I'd rather keep my distance than risk being rejected. Keeping my distance comes so easily for me. I’ve been doing it for years. It’s second nature. Friends, family, everyone. I know how to keep people at bay. Sometimes in a conversation with a friend they’ll get the impression that I’m looking for their advice, or unsure about what I think or feel, or seeking to understand what they would do in a given instance. This happened in a conversation with a friend a few weeks ago which resulted in him saying “I can’t tell you what to do Bryan”. It was pretty funny (or not) because the truth is, I do that intentionally to limit the degree to which I have to express myself. I was successful at keeping him at bay. I’m quite aware of what I think, feel, and want to do. That being said, I can’t keep people at bay forever, and I know that. I need to stop doing that.
I want to busy myself with something. I'm headed back to nyc to a quieta partment and I feel the need to occupy my time with something, anything to avoid having to think about this stuff. Yet, thinking is what I’ll probably end up doing. This whole coming out thing is really only just beginning.
The below song by Feist is running through my head. I suppose because of several things going on in my life right now, not just the family stuff. The song is a little sad. But it you listen closely enough to the end, there's hope. There's always hope! :)
Water water on the seeds
To my left they rose and leaf
To my right cross Seven Seas
Maybe maybe they'll stay true
My seeds will cross and then take root
And leave you to an empty room
Lonely lonely that is you
Lonely lonely that is you
Paper paper obsolete
How will you reach out to me
I thought you'd ask me not to leave
Lonely lonely that is me
Lonely lonely that is me
Distance makes the heart grow weak
So that the mouth can barely speak
Except to those who hide their needs
And I have read the golden seal
That tell of how the seedlings feel
Reminds my heart what love can yield
By my only things are clear
Baby boy I'm staying here
Lonely lonely that was you
Lonely and so untrue
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