In The Family Way

Last Sunday we had infant baptism at church. This was the first time I’ve witnessed an infant baptism there. Not to say that they haven’t done them, as I know for a fact that they have. This was just the first one I was present for, and it was an experience as I’ve never seen an infant baptism in a Presbyterian church. The whole process, particularly the words that were spoken, was quite beautiful.

I just couldn’t take my eyes off of the kids. They’re round little faces watching anxiously, yet having no idea what they were actually watching and experiencing. It was cool to see their little personalities shine through at various times. Some giggled, some shuddered as the water was dribbled onto their foreheads, some refused to be held by anyone other than their parents, some cried, and some slept.

Ever since then I’ve been thinking about having a family of my own, much more than usual. Something about Sunday has rekindled that fire. This is of course not the first time that I’ve felt this way. However, I have this knack for convincing myself that I feel something (or more typically with me, DON’T feel something) that I really do. I managed to convince myself that a family wasn’t really a dream or desire of mine, that perhaps while it would be a “nice to have”, it wasn’t something that my heart really wanted. Yet, this past Sunday reminded me that it is more than just a “nice to have”, but instead is something that I yearn for. A family…

The difficult thing about hopes, dreams, desires, and yearnings is that…well…they’re just hopes, dreams, desires and yearnings. None of them are promised to us. None of them are certain to come to fruition. That in mind, I find it difficult to find the balance between the reality of what “is” and the possibilities of what could be. So, I instead try to err on the side of caution when thinking about yearnings of the heart, and try to be as realistic as possible, almost to the point of pessimism. At one point it was a conscious decision to deal with things this way. I’m far more optimistic by nature. These days, it feels more subconscious. I’ve trained myself. Again, I only do this with matters of the heart, and only to myself. I’m optimism’s cheerleader when it comes to most other things and most other people.

I just don’t know that I’ll ever have my own family, and I don’t know what good it does to hope that I will someday. Yet, I wish I could say that to not have my own family would be Ok with me.

Maybe I’ll get there.