This is me...

The past few days I’ve been hearing a lot about the “gay community”. It’s all been pretty focused around those things about the gay community and it’s members which are undesirable (i.e. too fem = not masculine enough, too into fashion = superficial, the list goes on). Interestingly enough, this has all come from other gay men and women. In my desire to not fit those stereotypes I’ve found myself evaluating all of my own stereotypically gay tendencies to see how I measure up (or in this case…DON’T measure up, as that would be most desirable).

I’ve met a lot of gay men and women over the past year and a half who profess a devout faith in Christ. The large majority of them are amazing people. However, so many of them seem to have conditions. So many seem to take pride in those things that set them apart from the rest of the gay community (i.e. I’m gay but I’m not THIS type of gay). I’ve found myself doing the same thing. However, I’m getting to the point where I’m realizing what true self-acceptance is, and so much of what I’ve looked down upon in others are things which I first looked down upon within myself. Not because those things were inherently wrong, but because they set me apart. They made my difference that much more obvious.

So, as I was doing my thing in this great big city tonight I couldn’t get these thoughts out of my head, all those things that I try to pretend I’m not that I really am. Some of it is just part of my design and nothing that can or should be changed. Others things I need to work, some of which I have been and some of which I haven't. Regardless, all of it is what make me me, the good with the bad.

So, this is me…

I like clothes and fashion….a lot. I can look at a dress, tell you if it’s designer, and sometimes even who made it.

I admire women’s shoes.

I like America’s Next Top Model, although I don’t watch it regularly

I sometimes find celebrities intriguing, and enjoy the occasional catch up on what’s happening in their lives.

I hate spiders….i freak out at the sight of them

I admire great wealth and power, but I’m conscious of it’s place in the world and in life

I can be a total flake when it comes to friends and family

I’m way to self-conscious

I pretend not to care about things that I really do care about

I can easily dismiss an important relationship over the slightest offense. Easier to hurt than to be hurt.

I sometimes, when I see a family on the train, wonder what my children will look like, and picture them in my arms.

I get emo over hallmark commercials

I’m my worst critic, nothing I do is ever good enough, my successes could have been more successful

I had my first sexual experience when I was 9. Way too young and far too damaging.

I want to help the people I love to know how much I love them back, but don’t know how

I wish I could accept other’s love, but I find that difficult to do

I really really like Madonna.

I’m not very trusting, not even of those I’m close to, I often expect for them to intentionally hurt or disappoint me somehow

I sometimes feel like enough isn’t really enough, I don’t want to want more, but I do

I crush easily, but I fall for no one

My mind often wanders, and sometimes to places it shouldn't

I miss the me that existed 4 years ago, ignorance is sometimes bliss

I love sweets, I can easily say screw dinner and go to town on a batch of chocolate chip cookies instead.

I instinctively look to anything pleasurable as a means to forget

I only like thunderstorms when other people are around

I’d like to learn to play the guitar so I can woo cute boys with my sultry voice. hehe

I don’t like the winter so much, it’s dark way too often…kinda depresses me

I pretend not to notice that i’m often the only brown face in the room, but I notice

I pretend to be stronger than I am, to the point where I’m not as tender as I should be

I sometimes feel embarrassed when I’m offended, so I pretend not to be offended

I wish I could let go

I wish I could grab hold

I sometimes wish I could go back in time, to that chubby 14 year old kid staring at the pills in the medicine cabinet and wishing he had the guts to do the only thing he thought would bring him some peace, and tell him it’ll all be okay…because it was okay..

...and I believe that it gets even better (ahh...there's that optimism!)

I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness.
Jeremiah 31:3