Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Swingset Chain

I think this song says it all.....

New York...

Today I realized that I tend to dislike New York in the Winter. Winter is only one season...



Monday, November 27, 2006

WHAT HAPPENED TO AIM!?


I remember the days shortly after I graduated from college when anyone and everyone was on instant messenger...every friend, every acquaintance, even my technologically challenged parents! No friend was ever farther than a 'ping' away, no matter the time of day. Now during the day AIM is a deserted wasteland of unused screen names and long forgotten icons.

WHAT HAPPENED?!

I blame it on corporate America with their rules and regulations against such forms of communication! I too have been harshly forbidden to use AIM while in the workplace. I too have sat twiddling my thumbs on a down day wishing for the good old days of AIM. I too have felt the painful sneer when asking a manager why the AIM download fails every time I try to install it.

Fortunately, i now have my dear friend Mr. Motorola Q with AIM capabilities to keep me entertained during such times!

Saturday, November 25, 2006

This Holiday Season

Visiting with my family this holiday season has been filled with a variety of emotions. Every time I come home to this beautiful big house in the Pennsylvania Amish country I’m taken back by the serenity that exists here. In addition to the beautiful countryside, it’s also a place that, for me, is overflowing with love as practically my entire family is within a 15 minute drive (a blessing and a curse you say….oh how true!).

However, there is also a certain degree of sorrow that exists in the midst of the laughter, the stories, the cooking and decorating together...sorrow in realizing that one day soon I will tell them that I am gay, and things will never be the same. See, I came out to my parents when I was 14. However, they just assumed that I was confused and swept it under the rug. It has never really been discussed since. However, now I am both happy to be who I am and have found tremendous peace in reconciling my faith and my sexuality. I am as far from confused as one can get. But, being that my entire family is chalk full of devout evangelical Christians of color, that will not fly in their ranks…no matter how confident I am in my relationship with Christ and his affirmation of me.

So, as I helped prepare thanksgiving dinner, as I hugged my relatives and played with my niece, as I spent a few hours alone last night setting up the 10ft Christmas tree, and as I decorate it with my mother tonight…I can’t help but realize that the man I love will never step foot in this beautiful house, and my children will never run though these yards. Hopefully my future guy will still be close to his family...

Hmmmm….sucks pretty bad!

That’s it…

Bryan

Friday, November 24, 2006

Hair!


So it's official. I've decided to grow my hair back out. I had been thinking about this for a while but hanging yesterday during thanksgiving with some relatives from Bermuda convinced me to go for it. For those who haven't known me for very long, I used to have lots more hair than the buzz cut I presently sport would suggest. Actually, I had hair down past my shoulders. I guess it's my mixed African American, Italian, and Native American ancestry that gave me such wavy locks...but whatever it was...i loved it!

So...i'm going back to my roots and letting it all hang out. Perhaps i'll dread it. Perhaps i'll kink it up into tight curls...who knows!! But what I do know is that the world is your oyster when your hair is blowing in the wind....oh yes...it is...!

Monday, November 20, 2006

Amish Country Here I Come!!

In only a few short days I go to visit my family in the Amish country of Pennsylvania where I grew up, to celebrate Thanksgiving. I am quite excited as I haven't left the city in almost 2 months. After a while island fever starts to set in. SO, in two days I will be trading in my latté and my Dolce suit for some sweet tea and overalls! HERE I COME AMISHes.... !!

The below photo was taken while sitting at the bank drive through the last time I visited home. Give it up for PA!



Sunday, November 19, 2006

Alliekins

As most of you know I live with two of my closest friends who i've known for 8 years. We went to college together. They are married and have a daughter Allie who is almost 2 1/2. She calls me "Uncle Byn". While living with a 2 year old that isn't your's can be a little difficult at times, i've been realizing more and more how much of a blessing (and practice for the future) it is to be in this situation. I really do love this kid!

Allie (or Alliekins as I call her) is adorable! I've been a regular part of her life since she was born and have lived with her since she turned one. On my worst days this kid has managed to bring a smile to my face and caused me to forget whatever trivial thing that only moments before I thought was so important.

Last night we sat on the couch and watched "Finding Nemo" (for the gazillionth time). As usual, she sat there with her arms around me..cuddled up as close as she could.

Thinking back on it now, it's those moments that serve as a reminder that the bad times can never out trump the good ones.

*sigh* Now to work on getting one of my own! Well, not like now but one day...











Too Big...

Sometimes the world is just too big… and i'm just too small...


Saturday, November 18, 2006

Dumb Quotes

So...my day has been fairly boring as I sit around the house waiting for night to fall. I did manage to do some cleaning though (see earlier post). Anyway, in an attempt to amuse myself I looked at a variety of dumb quotes from some of our best and brightest here in the USA and abroad. I hope you get as much of a laugh out of this crap as I did! Oh the joy....

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious."
- Alan Minter, Boxer

"I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness."
- Alicia Silverstone

"You guys line up alphabetically by height."
- Bill Peterson, Florida State football coach

"I have opinions of my own --strong opinions-- but I don't always agree with them."
- George Bush, former U.S. President

"I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada."
- Britney Spears

"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system!"
- Dan Quayle, on the concept of a manned mission to Mars

"First, it was not a strip bar, it was an erotic club. & And second, what can I say? I'm a night owl."
- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

"I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me."
- Andre Dawson on being a role model

" I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people."
- Dan Quayle

"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix."
- Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice President

"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight."
- George Gobel

"I don't diet. I just don't eat as much as I'd like to."
- Linda Evangelista, Supermodel

"If only faces could talk..."
- Pat Summerall, Sportscaster, during the Super Bowl

"It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago"
- Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice-President

Pledge

Note to self...

Lemon pledge works wonderfully on wood furniture.

That being said, unless you're interested in creating the ice rink effect...not such a good idea to use it on wood floors...







Friday, November 17, 2006

Uncertainty

Over the past few days, I’ve been realizing just how much uncertainty currently exists in my life. I have no idea what I’m doing tomorrow let alone 6 months from now. Making matters more uncomfortable are the things about which I actually AM certain. I am certain that I don't want to stay in Manhattan after next summer and I am certain that I don't want to do what I’m doing anymore career wise. Not only am I certain in these things, but this is the direction in which I strongly feel God leading me. Only questions are...what am I going to do? Where am I going to go?

Aside from possibly teaching in Pohnpei as a volunteer for 11 months, which also is not certain...by no fault of my own, I literally have no clue...no idea whatsoever. For the past month, I’d say that I’ve seen nothing in my future...nothing at all. It's one big foggy black haze that shrouds my vision, and for someone who has always done his best to plan every step, that's a little scary.

Nevertheless*, I’m finding that uncertainty is only uncomfortable when we think certainty is best.

There's something freeing in letting go of expectations, in saying..."i have no idea", because there is no greater experience of perfection, and no moment more breath taking, than that moment in which the fog disappears…and before you is the path and the plan...not that you have chosen...but that God has laid out for you. Sure, it may not always be easy, but in my heart, I am convinced that the path he has designed for me is far better than any I could create for myself.

So, I’m choosing to not freak out right now, to not stress over it all. And in doing so I'm finding that the saying really is true...sometimes ignorance is bliss...!

Hasta!'

* 'Nevertheless' is my new favorite word. You should see peoples’ faces when I say it in a conversation! It's like "whoa this guy's got some vocabulary to be able to use 'nevertheless' during general communication!”

No Ordinary Love / Cherish The Day


These are songs by Sade. Now, I thought everyone knew Sade because i grew up listening to her but over the years i've come to find that not everyone does. If you've never heard of her then that means your parents have done you a great disservice! just kidding. But she does have one of the most sultry voices i've ever heard...it's awe inspiring! In addition to her voice my dad used to always say that she had one of the greatest band of musicians in the world. Since both of my parents are professional musicians that's a pretty profound statement.

Anyway, the below two songs have been running through my head. SIDE NOTE: To a certain someone who may read this post and think that these songs are about him....trust me...they're not! :-)
******************************
******************************

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Dear Mr. Snickers Bar


Dear Mr. Snickers Bar:

Have I told you lately that I love you?
The very sight of you sends chills up my spine.
Your sweet caramel goodness sets me on fire.
Your velvety chocolate skin is a beauty like no other.

As I eye you through the crusty glass of the vending machine
I long to have you..
to hold you..
to know you...

But alas....i cannot...

...because I have no change...

*sigh*

A Mensroom Plea (together we CAN improve our aim)


I happen to work for a prestigious Investment Bank here in Manhattan. Were one to casually stroll through my office one would find countless flat panel LCDs tuned to various news stations and desks adorned with double flat panel monitors and the best in high tech gadgets. One would find men and women dressed to thoroughly impress and people waxing poetic on the greatest in management philosophy, technological innovation, and the world economy.

Now, take a walk with me if you will…to the men’s room (women you can come to).
As you stroll past the door you glance into the mirror on your left, checking yourself out. You want to make sure you look just as good at 2pm as you did when you arrived at noon…I mean….9am.

You procede through yet another door, headed to the urinals…and as you approach them your eyes behold the most vile and putrid set of urinals into which any man has ever relieved himself.

This my friends, is the bathroom which I am forced to visit at least once daily. Each time I go I pause for a second or two. Sometimes I pray, “dear Lord…please don’t let me slip and fall in the stream of urine that surrounds me”. Other times I just close my eyes and give it a go hoping that if I can’t see it then perhaps it really isn’t that bad. I am convinced that these urinals exist solely for decorative purposes, because they certainly aren’t being used! I mean, why pee into the porcelain pot when you can pee all around it?

I won’t describe the day my ID card fell into it all. It’s still too soon as it only happened a few short weeks ago. However, I think I cried as I stared at it lying there on the floor…somewhat yellow.

Anyway, I say all of this to say….Dear Employer…you make lots and lots of money every year. If we cannot make urinal etiquette a mandatory part of new hire training, or provide all male employees with a “how to” video of sorts, then perhaps we should consider at least hiring someone to CLEAN THE DAMN BATHROOM!!!

Friday, November 10, 2006

BI-SE I MO SHUIL




Bi-se i mo shuil
a Ri mhor na nduil
Lion thusa mo bheatha
mo cheadfai’s mo stuaim
Bi thusa i m’aigne
gach oiche’s gach la
Im chodladh no im dhuiseacht
lion me le do gra
Bi thusa mo threoru
i mbriathar is i mbeart
Fan thusa go deo liom is
coinnigh me ceart
Glac curam mar athair
is eist le mo ghui
Is tabhair domsa ait conai
istigh i do chroi


Translation
Be my eyes, O king of creation
Fill my life with understanding
And patience
Will You be my mind every night
And every day
Sleeping or awake
Fill me with Your love
Will You be my guidance
In my words and actions
Stay with me forever
And keep me on the right path
As my Father take care of me
And listen to my prayers
And give me a place
To live inside Your heart

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

The Dreadfullest Dread of all Dreadfulnesses


There is no more terrifying moment…no more horrendous occurrence…no more bloodcurdling event…than that moment in which your ipod battery runs out while in a packed subway car!

The anxiety that forms as the pulsating sound of your favorite remix slowly fades into the distance, being quickly replaced by the obnoxious grunts, sighs, outbursts, and fruitless conversations of the 75 plus passengers that tightly surround you can bring one to the very brink of insanity. I equate this mind altering experience to the experiences relived in such movies as “Open Water”, “Lord of the Flies”, or “Cast Away”. Suddenly I am left floating in an ocean of cold metal, glass, and ceramic tile…attacked on every side by screaming children, pushy passengers, obnoxious teens, and people from New Jersey.

Truthfully…I know not how I survived!
I glance over at the ipod-less woman beside me intensely focused on her best selling novel and I wonder… "HOW?!” She seems either totally unaware of her surroundings or completely content in this world of westernized sound. I glare at her curiously…somehow hoping that our eyes will meet and I’d glean from her some bit of insight, of erudition. But, I garner nothing. As the train slows and the doors open..i watch her as she slowly rises, closing her book, and pushes her way through the crowd (including the two men from Queens who have been discussing weight lifting etiquette for the past 20 minutes) and she is gone.

Approximately 15 minutes later I arrive at my destination. As I move through the car doors and onto the platform I breathe a sigh of great relief. *Actually, I practically dry humped a platform column*
Just another spectacular day in New York City!!

Monday, November 06, 2006

I'll Find You....I'll Hide Me


The title of this entry comes from the chorus of a song by a group I’ve recently come to love called “Loquat”. They have an amazing AMAZING sound! But, that’s beside the point.
They have a song called “Serial Mess” which, from what I understand, is actually about a dream in which a girl is being chased by a serial killer. I know…rather morbid concept, eh?? But regardless, aside from loving the music there’s a part in the chorus of this song that seems particularly poignant at this time in my life.

“It’s a game of hide and seek. I’ll find you…I’ll hide me…."

As I listen to the chorus, and then play it over again and again in my head, the concept of “I’ll find you…I’ll hide me” is an irresistible one.

As I listen, I realize that ultimately…this is what my life is about! It’s not about what I want or what I think I deserve. Nor is it about who I think I am. Through experience I’ve learned that often times what I want is actually not what I need and who I think I am is more often who I want to be. However, as I seek Him…finding Him…I discover that my true needs are met, and that life, while not without its difficulties, is rich! And in the process I realize that I am truly “me”, in Him.

So, as all else falls away I realize that there is life hiding in Him…and in being continuously found by the One who has and who always will, see me….

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Struggling to Find the Balance

These days I find myself struggling to find the balance between who I was and who I am. I’m not quite sure where one ends and the other begins. What’s authentic...what’s fabricated...what’s lasting. I’m not sure where the person I knew has gone, or if he even still exists?

All this talk of helping people, teaching, moving abroad, career changes..It’s all quite noble. It’s all very fascinating.

But is it me?

To date, I’ve been the guy you would catch chilling out in Union Square on a sunny day, or perusing through French Connection with a latté in one hand and my cell phone in the other. I’ve been the guy who loved New York City nights and the very idea of letting loose till 4am with 15 of my closest friends. I've been the guy with high hopes for an astounding corporate career and persistent dreams of an $800,000 one bedroom 750 square foot condo in the city (and a doorman if I could swing it).

To date, I have not been the guy who would visit a developing nation, let alone move to one. I have not been the guy who would sacrifice money and the material things I love for such an endeavor, no matter how noble the cause. To date, I never let my heart overstep the boundaries that my head had drawn…I made that mistake early on.

Thus far I have been bold, confident, strong, courageous, independent, and admirable.

Today, I feel weak, alone, uncertain, afraid, insignificant, and downright confused.

Who in the world am I!?

Change is good…it truly is. But sometimes too much change is just…too much!

-G'Night

Friday, November 03, 2006

Life in the South Pacific


This is something I have been thinking about a lot lately as I finish the application process to teach abroad. It is quite interesting thinking about spending at least a year in a region of the world that, truthfully, I never even considered going to. Yet here I am, beside myself at the prospect of being able to use the gifts God has given me to help others.

Interesting thing about moving abroad to "help others", is that I am thoroughly convinced that the people who are truly helped in such situations are the people who are going abroad, as opposed to the locals they will be interacting with. It is quite interesting the number of people who refer to what I will hopefully embark upon as "sacrificing" or "giving of myself for the good of others", as if the people I’m going to work, live, and commune with will not be "whole" until my glorious arrival. Now of course there is a certain degree of sacrifice involved with this process. That’s a given. I sacrifice my broadband internet which I love oh so dearly. I sacrifice the foods and the amenities I thought I could not live without. I sacrifice sleeping on a mattress in a beautiful apartment. I sacrifice all manner of efficient pest control. I sacrifice a very decent salary with a prestigious organization. I sacrifice the ability to see my family and friends for quite some time. I sacrifice many other things that I have yet to realize...some of which I probably will not realize until I leave.

However, what I am receiving in return is so much greater. Frankly, I imagine (and have been told) that through this experience I will find that of all these "sacrifices" will seem rather trivial in comparison to the extraordinary benefit of living and teaching in a developing nation. To live in place and with a people that do not value material things the way I am used to, that do not know the concept of racism, that value family and friendship over work and material wealth...that's quite the contrast from the world I’ve lived in for the past few years….quite a refreshing change! Living on one of the world’s most beautiful islands isn’t too shabby either!

All that being said, what I stand to do is not for everyone…not by any stretch of the imagination!!! I am not one of those people who believes that everyone should go volunteer abroad or something of the sort at least once in their lives...although I do see the benefits. Everyone brings to the table a different set of God given gifts, interests, and goals for themselves. Goodness...you could not have convinced me that I would ever consider doing what I’m doing six months ago. Yet here I am, not just considering it, but in love with the very idea of it all.

How things change! How we change!