Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Checkmate...follow up

So, I decided to email my mom after I made my last post, telling her what I thought and how I felt. It was a great idea. We had some back and forth, and in the end I realized that I need to kind of lead the way in this whole process. It's not that my parents don't have questions to ask, nor is it that they don't want to discuss this whole thing. It's just that they don't know what to ask or how to go about it. I suppose that's where I come in, opening up a bit more and sharing the pieces of my life that i've long kept hidden. I guess we were all waiting. I was waiting for them to ask, and they were waiting for me to tell.



ENOUGH DRAMA...

I'm in love folks......with this coat from Burberry!

















Yet, I just cannot bring myself to spend almost $2,000 on a coat!!!

I'm lying. What I really mean is that I can't bring myself to spend that much on a coat right now, at this point in my life. Yet, the tempation is great. It is so great that I had to get a second opinion. So, I asked my friend and co-worker Viv what his thoughts were. Below is our brief yet pointed IM conversation yesterday.

04:11PM bry: random question. would you spend $2000 on a coat?
04:12PM vpat: not unless that coat had wheels, a couple of doors, and 150 hp
04:12PM bry: LOL
04:13PM vpat: why?
04:13PM bry: uhh....no reason.

- Bryan

Monday, October 29, 2007

Checkmate

So I’ve been thinking about my family for a bit now. Specifically, i've been thinking about m y parents. I’m a little disappointed at the fact that after having come out to my parents some months ago, not a word has been said about any of it. We kind of carry on like everything is still the same. In some ways that’s good, but in other ways it doesn’t seem to be so good. More than caring about where they stand on the whole gay topic, I’m concerned that they’re not dealing. And somehow their not dealing feels incredibly unfair to me. I feel like I’m being asked to pretend just because they’d like to pretend, and anyone who knows me knows that I’m just not one for pretending.

I’ve been feeling this way for some time now, but perhaps a forward I got from my Dad made it feel that much more intense. It was some dumb forward about “Man Rules”. It had to do with rules men should follow in dealing with women, wives, etc. I didn’t read it at any length because I didn’t want to read anything that I found offensive. I can’t stand anything that widdles what it means to be a man down to a series of actions. More importantly, I didn’t want to see anything offensive because I knew it would cause me to become irritated with my father for sending it to me in the first place. Yet, I’m irritated anyway. Why would he send me something so stupid? Ok…that’s probably a stupid statement in itself. Plenty of people send stupid forwards. A better question is, why would he send me something that he knows doesn’t relate to my life or who I am in any way shape or form? I wouldn’t send him a forward about “Man Rules for Gay Men”, so why, after all we spoke about several months ago, would he send me something like this?! I know that I’m perhaps being too hard on him. I suppose that seeing me as his straight son is just natural. But my concern, my disappointment, my hurt (to be quite honest), is in the fact that neither he nor my mom seem to be making any attempt to see me as anything else.

When I came out I heard a lot of loving, positive things from them. I was expecting to be disowned. But although what I heard was wonderful to my own ears, I sit here now feeling more confused and awkward than I did before I even came out, and that doesn’t seem fair. I mean, do they think I’m sitting around just waiting for them to come to grips with it all before I move on with the rest of my life? It’s like they heard that I’m gay, but failed to process what that really means. In some ways, I’m trying to prepare them. I don’t want them to be shocked if and when I start dating, if and when it gets serious, and if and when I pursue a family of my own. Yet, I cannot prepare them any more than I have tried to. They don’t want to be prepared.

I’ve spent my whole life trying to be who everyone expected me to be. I’ve spent my life thinking about my family, and evaluating everything in light of how it would effect them. I’m tired of it. I came out to them so that I could dialogue with them about who I am, to give them the opportunity to be fully included in my life. While they didn’t reject that opportunity, they haven’t accepted it either. Instead, they’ve just tried to forget about it.

My mom told me, when I first came out to her, that the whole situation would help me to see just how much my family really loved me. Well, I’m still waiting. And the ball’s in their court, because I’m done.

- Bryan

Sunday, October 21, 2007

I'll say it...

...through music. And no...it's not what you think. Not completely anyway. ;-)




In the deepest ocean
The bottom of the sea
Your eyes
They turn me
Why should I stay here?
Why should I stay?
I'd be crazy not to follow
Follow where you lead
Your eyes
They turn me
Turn me on to phantoms
I follow to the edge of the earth
And fall off
Everybody leaves
If they get the chance
And this is my chance
I get eaten by the worms
Weird fishes
Picked over by the worms
Weird fishes
Weird fishes
Weird fishes
I'll hit the bottom
Hit the bottom and escape
Escape
I'll hit the bottom
Hit the bottom and escape
Escape

Monday, October 15, 2007

Leaving New York

I’m going to let you in on a little secret, something that many of us non-native New Yorkers, the ones who have stuck around anyway, know and experience, but rarely tell anyone less we loose our street cred. The secret is….sometimes we don’t want to live here anymore. Sometimes, the Big Apple tastes a little rotten and we feel like tossing it in into the trash can and grabbing a plum instead.

Yesterday was a beautiful day and I was able to spend a few hours of it hanging in Central Park with my friend AMC. This was all before we had to put on our Harry Potter gear and rush off to spend a few hours hanging out with some 5th and 6th graders for our church’s Harry Potter night (which was CRAZY amounts of fun by the way!). AMC and I had a good conversation spanning lots of topics, including our feelings about New York, and it was nice to hear someone else say that in spite of their love for New York, they too have times when they just feel like they’re done with it all. At least I know I’m not totally mental…key word being “totally”…

I guess there are just days when I miss what used to be “normal”. There are times when I wish that getting off of this 22 square mile island to do something as simple as go to Target or visit my parents, wasn’t such an ordeal. As it stands, renting a car or purchasing a train ticket is needed to do both, which also requires money and planning and sometimes isn’t even feasible. There are times when I’d love to wake up to a field of grass and chirping birds, instead of honking horns and rowdy pedestrians. There are days when I’d so much rather get in a car, by myself, and head to work, than stand in a crowded subway car only to plow my way through gaggles of tourists when I get above ground. There are days when I don’t feel like being a tough New Yorker, when I’d rather smile at the random people I encounter and receive a smile in return, as opposed to a grimace or most often, no eye contact in the first place. And there are times when I wish for more permanence, as many people my age don’t see this city as a place to call home, but more a place to make their mark, have some fun, and then move on to a place that they can call home. I suppose I thought that all of this was just some form of S.A.D as I mostly feel this way in the Fall and Winter. While I’m sure that the S.A.D thing is partially true, I also know from other non-natives that these feelings are common.

Then again, some of my “beef” is really rooted in my age and place in life. I’ve seen a difference among those who are a bit older and a bit more established; those who can afford to have a car here in the city and the small fortune it costs to garage it, and who can afford to get away whenever the need arises, even if it’s just upstate for a few weekends in a row. Fortunately, I’m on my way to being able to do such things, it’s just a matter of when and is it worth it.

All of this being said, I spent last night with a bunch of kids who have known no other home than New York City. As they rushed off at the end of the night, one by one, saying goodbye and “see ya next Sunday”, I had a strong desire to see these kids grow up. I also couldn’t help but think about what it would be like to raise my children in a city like New York, and to be honest, something about it just felt right.


As I’ve said before, home is where the heart is, and although we may have our differences, for now, my heart is here…in New York.


-Bryan

Sunday, October 07, 2007

The Fear of Authenticity and Answered Prayers

Anyone who knows me will tell you that I tend to have odd reactions to my emotions. For example, I once responded to a friend, after her heart felt “I love you, Bryan”, by telling her to shut up. Sorry C! I just don’t respond well to vulnerability, and I know that the cause is perhaps a lack of humility. I want others to see me the way that I would like to see myself. I want to be strong at all times. I want to be aware at all times. I never want to be caught off guard and I don’t want to let my emotional guard down. Yet, I have the sense enough to know that that’s plain stupid, and such thinking does more damage than it does good. Also, people almost always see the things we try to hide. We inevitably trip while trying not to look clumsy. We have a nervous break down while trying to appear well put together. Our confusion shows through when trying to look overly confident and self-assured. All of this behavior begs the ultimate question, what's the point?

I’m in a situation where I’m resisting something that I actually prayed for. I’m resisting it because I see things happening that I’m not sure what to do with. I don’t know what to make of what’s unfolding, and I’m frustrated because I have no control. I fear that I’m crazy. I fear that I’m misguided. I fear that maybe I’m neither crazy nor misguided, but that there’s really something to this. Yet, through it all, I pretend as though I’m not fearful at all, never uttering a word.

There seems a lesson to be learned here, and although I’m not always the best student, He’s always the best teacher, and he’s always teaching me something.

-Bryan

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Nostalgia in the fall...Concerning the UFO Sighting Near Highland Illinois

This song always reminds me of the fall of 2006. It's "Concerning the UFO Sighting Near Highland Illinois" by Sufjan Stevens. Last fall I would wake up at 5am to jog through Riverside Park. I remember how surreal it felt to be up and out at 5am, ipod on full blast, breathing in the crisp Fall air, and running through the park feeling the leaves crackle beneath my feet. There was something about being up before the rest of the city. One of the cool things about Riverside Park is that it overlooks the Hudson. Granted, the Hudson isn't exactly the beach at the Bahamas. Yeah, actually it's more like the dirty sandy puddle of water that coagulates at the drain of those out door showers at the beach. But still, there was something about looking out over the water to the other side (which mind you is New Jersey…but still).



I would often listen to Sufjan Stevens as I’d run and this song always seemed to strike a chord with me. At the time, I was still grappling with being gay, being Christian, living in New York City, wanting to move yet wanting to stay, disliking my job, wanting more friends, wanting more authenticity, and having absolutely no idea what I was doing or where I was going. So much is different now, so much so that I can't believe it's only been a year. Yet, it seems like this was all just yesterday.

I no longer run in Riverside Park, but instead listen to the leaves crackle under foot as I make my way through Morningside Heights. A year later and I’m still here, physically, emotionally, and mentally. Now, as much as I love New York, the truth is that I have no idea where I’ll be this time next year….if I’ll need to trade in my “I Love New York” t-shirt for a “I love fresh air, not spending a fortune to live in a cubby hole, and rediscovering that even 3 feet of personal space is more than enough at 8am” t-shirt. The possibilities are endless…and I find that rather exciting.

Hmmm...maybe tomorrow morning I’ll go for an extended jog through Riverside Park.





-Bryan

Monday, October 01, 2007

Profound Realization....Brace Yourselves

Guys are idiots!

And yes, I know that i'm one of them.

It's odd. Women can often see things that men can't. A woman can listen to a guy talk, rant, whine, dream, and say..."we'd be really good together". While the guy is thinking "I'm glad we're friends but we couldn't date because I like bigger boobs". Quite often, the woman was right and the guy doesn't realize that until it's too late and she's moved on. I don't know. Perhaps the female intuition gene came along with my gay gene.

Obviously, there's someone I thought I had at least some feelings for. However, I could be wrong about the sense of compatability. There was someone a year ago who I thought would be good for me, and vice versa. Truth was, one of us would have probably killed the other in his sleep. But that experience was a first for many reasons and there were a number of things I couldn't see. I'm an ENFj / INFj personality so I learn from situations quickly, and my gut tells me that this situation is different.

Sadly, i'm making the emotional decision to give up on him, not give up on caring about him as a friend or supporting him because I couldn't do that, he's done nothing wrong per se. But just in seeing him as anything more, of putting my heart into it unnecessarily. I'm over it.

-Bryan