Friday, February 23, 2007

Side Streets, Home, and Abraham

Lots going on and way too much to blog about. So, as music is my thing, i'll let these songs tell the story of where i'm at on my behalf. Watch it in sequence...(when you have lots of free time)











Monday, February 05, 2007

The Journey

This year I’ve committed myself to finding a church to belong to. This is no easy task. Surprising as it may be the diversity of churches here in Manhattan really isn’t that great. Throw in the transient traits sometimes found in city dwellers my age (with whom regular church attendance is not high on their list of “to-do’s”) and finding a church and church community where you can love and be loved is rather difficult. At times this depresses me. It depresses me at times because my search is made all the more difficult by the fact that I’m gay. Finding a church in the city is hard as it is, but for me, finding a church in which I can be authentically me multiplies those difficulties ten fold.

Sometimes the trouble I face in finding a church to call my “spiritual” home brings about questions. I start to question if my being gay really is OK. I start to question why it is so difficult to find a place to belong among God’s children if I really do have a seat at the table. I find myself with questions like..Does God really love me the way that I am and more importantly, does he really not want me to change? I mean if this was OK, it wouldn’t be so hard….right? Surely this shouldn’t feel like such an uphill battle….

I look at my friends who stroll in and out of churches all across Manhattan, from one denomination to another with ease, and it hurts. It hurts when I watch them converse in a room with other Christians, all the while knowing that my sexuality and the beliefs I carry regarding it seemingly put me in another stratosphere. I don’t just want to be a part of the kingdom; I also want to feel like I’m a part of the kingdom, and too many times I don’t. Too many times I feel like the red headed step child who’s been ostracized for having red hair.

It's rough when the questions begin to flow. However, as I ask myself all of these questions I remember the path that brought me here, a path that was heavy laden with prayer, bible study, crying, more prayer, bible study, more crying, and more prayer. I remember the many many months of denial even when I felt that my being gay was really OK. I remember the many months of force feeding myself information about how wrong it was to be gay and how I could change if I really prayed and really tried because I couldn’t accept the truth I was seeing which said I really was OK. Then, I remember the day that I felt the love of God wrap its arms around me and tell me “I love you as you are”, and I remember the moment it truly sunk in and all became so clear.

When I think of the trials, frustrations, difficulties, and pain I face as a Christian who is gay I have to remember the author of my faith. I remember that the road which Christ walked was everything but smooth. He was rejected. He was scorned. He was labeled a lunatic, a liar, and deceived. I’m sure that He at times felt alone. I’m sure that at times his sadness was quite overwhelming. I’m sure that at times being the son of God on earth was “just too hard”. Yet, he was Christ, the Son of Man, the son of God. So, I can't look to the difficulties I face as a Christian who is gay as being indicators of whether i'm wrong or right. Instead, by the grace of God I view them as part of the process to understanding what it means to live a life for Christ, a life that is unique, that is powerful, that is authentic, that is perfected and refined in the fire.

More and more there are days when I look up at the sky. I remember who I am, all of me, and what I endure. And in those few seconds tears begin to well up in my eyes, for I am thankful.


When I stand before the Lord, I'll be standing alone. This journey is my own.Still I want man's advice, and I need man's approval, but this journey is my own Why would I want to live for man and pay the highest price? What would it mean to gain the world, only to lose my life?…..You can live for someone else, and it will only bring you pain. I can't even judge myself. Only the Lord can say, "Well done."

Sarah Groves – This Journey is My Own

Thursday, February 01, 2007

The Signet Ring

When I was a junior or senior in college I had a dream one night. I sat on the ground Indian style facing a woman who appeared to be around my age at the time. As we sat, no words were spoken. I just watched her as she slowly took a paint brush in her hand and began to write something for me on a small piece of paper. As she slowly wrote on this small piece of paper I leaned in to see what it said. She was writing two bible verses. The first was from the book of Haggai. The second was a verse that I could not clearly discern.

I woke up the next morning, got myself ready, and headed to class, all the while feeling mesmerized by this mystical dream that seemed so out of the ordinary. To be honest, I didn’t even know if I would find the verses that I did remember from the dream as I had never heard of that book before. However, when I got home I opened my bible to Haggai and began to read the verses that I so clearly recalled.

“I will overthrow royal thrones, destroying the power of foreign kingdoms. I will overturn their chariots and charioteers. The horses will fall and their riders will kill each other. But when this happens, says the Lord Almighty, I will honor you, Zerubbabel son of Shealtiel, my servant. I will treat you like a signet ring on my finger, says the Lord, for I have specially chosen you. I, the Lord Almighty, have spoken!” Haggai 2: 22-23.

Now to the present.

Today I had a phone conversation with my mother. After we finished she called me 20 minutes later sounding a little teary eyed, and told me that she just had to call me to tell me that she has this overwhelming feeling that now is “my time”. That everything I’ve been wanting for, praying for, waiting for, is here…now. After I hung up I found myself both excited and troubled by this. Excited because, well, who wouldn’t get excited about seeing God do something great in their life? But troubled by that sinking feeling that she knew not what she spoke of. There was irony in knowing that the words she spoke so passionately related in some part to a piece of me that she may not be able to accept…my sexuality. But more importantly that conversation caused me to realize something that I have been trying to gracefully ignore.

My life is changing…quite rapidly...and there's nothing I can do about it. Am I in the beginning stages of a process similar to what Zerubbabel experienced all those centuries ago...becoming a signet ring on the finger of the Almighty?

Recently, a few people have said similar things to that which my mother said this morning. It feels good to hear, but the reality is quite "awkward" for lack of a better word. It is quite a peculiar feeling when you know that if you closed your eyes for only a moment that the world you would see when you opened them could be unrecognizable. It’s even more peculiar, that feeling of little control in knowing that such changes are divinely orchestrated and that your “assistance” is in no way required. In the process I find myself wanting to cling to what I can, wanting to maintain some sense of regularity. I find myself at times whispering beneath my breath… “God, I can’t do this…I don’t think I can do this!”

However, deep down I know that I can “do this”. I must. So, I let go…

I don't really know what it means to be a signet ring on His finger? It sounds like quite an honor.