Just Couldn't Do It

So, I was going to begin using Xanga to do my blogging. I don't know why. Well, I mean they do have smiley faces! But, as I attempted to make the transition, familiarizing myself with the ins and outs of Xanga, emailing people to tell them about the new blog, trying to think of what my next entry would be, I kept coming back to this site, back to this blog...and I realized how much it's become a part of me. What I had hoped to do in this new blogging season was to be more transparent. I hoped to open my blog up to people that have, up until now, known very little about what my life has been like over the past few years...even though I’ve seen some of them quite often during that time. With that in mind, I can think of no better place to do that than right here, where they can read all about my past, and walk with me into the future. SO, i guess Another Side of Something continues...

New

Something happened to me when I came out to my mother a few days ago. To have her look into my tear filled eyes and say “…I don’t understand…but I will support you always…and I will never love you any less..” has changed me. In those moments it was as if all of those chains that held me, as if all of the ties that kept me beneath the surface, had been broken. The air I breathe, I breathe more deeply. I’m filled with new passion and purpose. I walk into the world with a new sense of being. I walk into the world with a new confidence, having seen and experienced on this earth, unconditional love.

There are times in our lives when God allows us the opportunity to catch a glimpse of what life is truly all about, times when we realize that who we are, what we do, and what we have to contribute, is about more than we can ever conceive of. It’s times like those that visions are born, that aspirations are realized, and that hearts and minds are opened. I’m experiencing this right now and it’s resulted in a new level of self-acceptance, and in turn, having only been back in the city for less than 24 hours I find myself being more expressive with others than I’ve ever been before. It’s nice.

In a reply to an email from a friend here in the city a few days ago I told her that I was gay. She and I started out at the same church when we moved to the city a few years ago. I suspected that she and a few of our other friends suspected but had just been waiting for me to tell them. Her response to me was quite awesome, and her prayers for me and my family as we travel down this road together are felt and appreciated.

I’m going to respond to her some time soon just to explain why it took me so long to spill the proverbial beans. I’m going to tell her that far more than knowing the intricate details of my sexuality, I first want people to know and to see that I absolutely, unequivocally, beyond all doubt, adore Jesus Christ. It’s my belief that just maybe when they can see Him in me, the conversation can truly begin.

From uncovering me, to another side of something. Here’s to a new chapter.

-Bryan

So here we are...

I’ve learned and experienced a lot over the past year. I learned what acceptance looks like from myself and others. I gained a wonderful understanding of what it truly means to love. I realized that some things are more difficult than they seem, and that others were never that difficult to begin with. I’ve learned to take more risks and to trust others. I’ve experienced some of my lowest lows and some of my highest highs. But most of all, I’ve learned that the journey is only just beginning.

When I began this blog I had lots to say but no way to say it. The words in my head that never seemed to make it through my lips flowed so easily onto my computer screen. My thoughts, my feelings, my hopes, fears, dreams, were so easily expressed right here. So, what’s the difference today? The thoughts, feelings, hopes, fears, dreams, and everything in between have suddenly found their way from my head, through my heart, and out of my mouth. I no longer feel as though I live under the covers. Instead, for the first time, I feel like I’m truly living. Now the things that I have to say are being said, but out there, on the streets, in the bars, in the coffee houses, lounges, cramped corners, subway cars, and church pews.

As I walked home tonight after hanging with some friends I recalled an episode of Sex and the City in which Carrie said “That's the thing about needs. Sometimes when you get them met, you don't need them anymore.” This blog has been a blessing, and the need has been met. It’s time to close this chapter and to begin the next.

I’ll see you “out there”. :)

Later,
Bryan

"Relying on God has to begin all over again, every day, as if nothing had yet been done..." -C.S. Lewis (a letter “To Ms. L”)

It's Been Some Time....

And it'll be just a bit longer!

Lots has been happening and lots continues to happen. I'm seeing God open certain doors and close others. Hmmm...i feel like I can truly say, meaning not just for the sake of drama, that this is the first time i've ever really allowed God to give me an answer to what the heck I should do. Things have always seemed to work out for me in the past inspite of my impatience, but this is the first time that I feel like i've truly "let go and let God". And guess what!?

It hurt like a mofo!

But I believe that I am, and will be, that much stronger in the end.

Anyway, I do have much to blog about, but it'll have to wait as I am...

OFF TO LONG BEACH, CA!!

WOOHOO!!!

Stay tuned....I may come back a blonde...

Later,
Bryan


PS: My birthday is March 28th. I take cash....

Holding Pattern

Holding Pattern: When Air Traffic Control has a flight turn away from the airport and remain at an assigned altitude instead of landing. The pilots then await further instructions.

A friend looked at me today and said ..."Are you OK? You've seemed a little melancholy the past few days."

I always find it slightly humorous when I realize that i'm not doing such a great job at hiding all of the things i'm trying to hide. I've been doing my best to carry a smile, and truth is, more often than not my smile hasn't been an artificial one. Yet, at the core of my emotions these days I am...well...melancholy. There's an emotional heaviness I carry which manifests itself behind each smile and within each laugh. These days I often find myself staring off into the distance, not really thinking of anything specific, but just existing in the moment. My brain is tired. My heart is tired. My body is tired. I'm in a holding pattern.

Holding pattern...in transition....in process...

These are all terms to describe where I am right now. I was preparing to land and then suddenly i'm turned away from the airport only to remain at some assigned altitude until I receive further instruction. At times I think that i'm neither the plane nor the pilot, but a mere passenger on this flight. Were I the plane or the pilot I might be tempted to land this thing myself. Yet, I find myself in a place where I am completly and totally reliant on God to direct my steps...to show me where to go, what to do, who to be, all the while trying to find the balance between faith and necessary action. I'm waiting to descend. I'm waiting anxiously for my feet to touch the ground and for "normal" life to resume.

So much is going on in my life right now, and it's funny to talk to the many groups of friends who know me as they all know small pieces of the much greater puzzle (although I suppose a new friend in Texas is probably more informed than most). :-) I suppose i'm just not up for small talk these days. Nor am I up for spending countless hours talking about myself. I know what i'm thinking, what i'm feeling, what i'm confused, hurt, frustrated, troubled, and happy about, and don't see the need to pour it out over and over again in conversation. As a result, I probably haven't been the best conversationalist in recent weeks as I just don't have much to say or do, but just listen. That being said, I suppose that this blog doesn't tell you much about what's actually going on in my world right now, nor does it adequately portray what's going through my head and my heart. Sorry!

I know that the process of being in process can mold and make us into bright shining lights, and I can feel and see the results of this all around me. Who knows what I will be when/if life returns to normal. Maybe this is my new normal. I don't know. My heart compels me to believe otherwise...

Side Streets, Home, and Abraham

Lots going on and way too much to blog about. So, as music is my thing, i'll let these songs tell the story of where i'm at on my behalf. Watch it in sequence...(when you have lots of free time)

The Journey

This year I’ve committed myself to finding a church to belong to. This is no easy task. Surprising as it may be the diversity of churches here in Manhattan really isn’t that great. Throw in the transient traits sometimes found in city dwellers my age (with whom regular church attendance is not high on their list of “to-do’s”) and finding a church and church community where you can love and be loved is rather difficult. At times this depresses me. It depresses me at times because my search is made all the more difficult by the fact that I’m gay. Finding a church in the city is hard as it is, but for me, finding a church in which I can be authentically me multiplies those difficulties ten fold.

Sometimes the trouble I face in finding a church to call my “spiritual” home brings about questions. I start to question if my being gay really is OK. I start to question why it is so difficult to find a place to belong among God’s children if I really do have a seat at the table. I find myself with questions like..Does God really love me the way that I am and more importantly, does he really not want me to change? I mean if this was OK, it wouldn’t be so hard….right? Surely this shouldn’t feel like such an uphill battle….

I look at my friends who stroll in and out of churches all across Manhattan, from one denomination to another with ease, and it hurts. It hurts when I watch them converse in a room with other Christians, all the while knowing that my sexuality and the beliefs I carry regarding it seemingly put me in another stratosphere. I don’t just want to be a part of the kingdom; I also want to feel like I’m a part of the kingdom, and too many times I don’t. Too many times I feel like the red headed step child who’s been ostracized for having red hair.

It's rough when the questions begin to flow. However, as I ask myself all of these questions I remember the path that brought me here, a path that was heavy laden with prayer, bible study, crying, more prayer, bible study, more crying, and more prayer. I remember the many many months of denial even when I felt that my being gay was really OK. I remember the many months of force feeding myself information about how wrong it was to be gay and how I could change if I really prayed and really tried because I couldn’t accept the truth I was seeing which said I really was OK. Then, I remember the day that I felt the love of God wrap its arms around me and tell me “I love you as you are”, and I remember the moment it truly sunk in and all became so clear.

When I think of the trials, frustrations, difficulties, and pain I face as a Christian who is gay I have to remember the author of my faith. I remember that the road which Christ walked was everything but smooth. He was rejected. He was scorned. He was labeled a lunatic, a liar, and deceived. I’m sure that He at times felt alone. I’m sure that at times his sadness was quite overwhelming. I’m sure that at times being the son of God on earth was “just too hard”. Yet, he was Christ, the Son of Man, the son of God. So, I can't look to the difficulties I face as a Christian who is gay as being indicators of whether i'm wrong or right. Instead, by the grace of God I view them as part of the process to understanding what it means to live a life for Christ, a life that is unique, that is powerful, that is authentic, that is perfected and refined in the fire.

More and more there are days when I look up at the sky. I remember who I am, all of me, and what I endure. And in those few seconds tears begin to well up in my eyes, for I am thankful.


When I stand before the Lord, I'll be standing alone. This journey is my own.Still I want man's advice, and I need man's approval, but this journey is my own Why would I want to live for man and pay the highest price? What would it mean to gain the world, only to lose my life?…..You can live for someone else, and it will only bring you pain. I can't even judge myself. Only the Lord can say, "Well done."

Sarah Groves – This Journey is My Own

The Signet Ring

When I was a junior or senior in college I had a dream one night. I sat on the ground Indian style facing a woman who appeared to be around my age at the time. As we sat, no words were spoken. I just watched her as she slowly took a paint brush in her hand and began to write something for me on a small piece of paper. As she slowly wrote on this small piece of paper I leaned in to see what it said. She was writing two bible verses. The first was from the book of Haggai. The second was a verse that I could not clearly discern.

I woke up the next morning, got myself ready, and headed to class, all the while feeling mesmerized by this mystical dream that seemed so out of the ordinary. To be honest, I didn’t even know if I would find the verses that I did remember from the dream as I had never heard of that book before. However, when I got home I opened my bible to Haggai and began to read the verses that I so clearly recalled.

“I will overthrow royal thrones, destroying the power of foreign kingdoms. I will overturn their chariots and charioteers. The horses will fall and their riders will kill each other. But when this happens, says the Lord Almighty, I will honor you, Zerubbabel son of Shealtiel, my servant. I will treat you like a signet ring on my finger, says the Lord, for I have specially chosen you. I, the Lord Almighty, have spoken!” Haggai 2: 22-23.

Now to the present.

Today I had a phone conversation with my mother. After we finished she called me 20 minutes later sounding a little teary eyed, and told me that she just had to call me to tell me that she has this overwhelming feeling that now is “my time”. That everything I’ve been wanting for, praying for, waiting for, is here…now. After I hung up I found myself both excited and troubled by this. Excited because, well, who wouldn’t get excited about seeing God do something great in their life? But troubled by that sinking feeling that she knew not what she spoke of. There was irony in knowing that the words she spoke so passionately related in some part to a piece of me that she may not be able to accept…my sexuality. But more importantly that conversation caused me to realize something that I have been trying to gracefully ignore.

My life is changing…quite rapidly...and there's nothing I can do about it. Am I in the beginning stages of a process similar to what Zerubbabel experienced all those centuries ago...becoming a signet ring on the finger of the Almighty?

Recently, a few people have said similar things to that which my mother said this morning. It feels good to hear, but the reality is quite "awkward" for lack of a better word. It is quite a peculiar feeling when you know that if you closed your eyes for only a moment that the world you would see when you opened them could be unrecognizable. It’s even more peculiar, that feeling of little control in knowing that such changes are divinely orchestrated and that your “assistance” is in no way required. In the process I find myself wanting to cling to what I can, wanting to maintain some sense of regularity. I find myself at times whispering beneath my breath… “God, I can’t do this…I don’t think I can do this!”

However, deep down I know that I can “do this”. I must. So, I let go…

I don't really know what it means to be a signet ring on His finger? It sounds like quite an honor.

Drum Roll Please

I hesitate to post this blog because once posted, it’s like writing this decision in stone. I suppose writing it in stone isn’t all that bad since I’m comfortable with the decision I’ve made.

Here goes…

I am not going to the Federated States of Micronesia for a year. I am staying in Manhattan.


*whew* There….said it!

See my earlier post for the reasons this decision was made so difficult.

I’ve spent this weekend speaking with friends, reading, praying, enjoying the company of family here in the Amish country of Pennsylvania. I came here for the express purpose of getting away and spending some quiet time with God as I tried to discern what I should do. It’s funny. I always get frustrated with myself when I set out to spend a few days of quiet time with God because my quiet time usually ends up being less like a few days and more like a few hours. However, my heart is in a different, more humble place during these times, and this weekend I found that through involving myself in other things and not focusing my thoughts on the many questions surrounding my going or staying the desires of my heart became quite clear.

While the FSM would be a wonderful opportunity, my life here is just beginning. Having never had a place my heart called home, having never been in this place of love and self-acceptance, “here” is where my heart longs to be, to grow, to know God more fully and His will for me. So, as disappointing as this may be to some of you who were hoping to live vicariously through me while in the FSM…you can pray for me as I move into this next stage of my journey, as the territory is just as unchartered as would be any experience i'd have in a small developing South Pacific nation.

I finally have a place to call home. :-)

….and so life begins…

The Fork In My Road

So this weekend I am on a retreat, a retreat to my parents house in Amish county that is. I came here to spend some quiet time away from the city, my friends, and all such influences that I might really have some time to think, pray, and discern God's will for me in the ongoing debate of whether I should leave the US and go to the FSM, or stay in NYC. Yes, I do love the FSM (see earlier post). It has garnered a part of my heart these past few months. However, I also love NYC and finally feel settled enough to call it home. More importantly, I am just now feeling like my life is beginning there.

These past two years have been spent settling into my life in the city, with a large portion of it being spent wrestling with my sexuality. I've finally reached a place of reconciliation and as a result am seeing dreams, goals, passions, and interests that had long since been placed on my mental and emotional backburner, come back to life. I've resurfaced. I'm finally ready to join a church, a bible study, spend time with my friends again, and do all the things that one could/should do when they have the superb opportunity to live in Manhattan. To date, a tourist visiting Manhattan for 3 days has probably done more in the city than I have in almost 2 years. My vision for the clothing company I began almost 3 years ago has returned, as has a new vision for starting a small non-profit here in the city. I love calling the city home. I love the fact that my heart is finally able to call the city home. Of all the things i've mentioned here, it really is only the beginning for the new authentic life I see as I envision the year ahead in Manhattan, a year (and a future) where I am free to be "me" in every sense of the word. I want to know what that looks like...what that feels like.

Is now the time to leave? Do I want to leave? Does God desire for me to leave?

These are the questions racing through my head and everyday I feel I have a different answer. When work frustrates me…

“that’s it I’m moving to the FSM…*bleep* this crap!”

When I see a nice pair of pants at the Republic of Banana…

“ *sigh* How can I leave this city?! These pants need me!”

However, I’ve found that such thinking, while fun, does not really answer the question at hand.

What I have found, or realized, is that regardless of the decision I make it will be made in total devotion to God and His call on my life. If I go, God goes with me. I will be and do all that He is asking of me in the FSM in great anticipation of the person I will become. If I stay, it will not be to enjoy just another year of complacency. That was needed for a season, but no more. I will involve myself in the world around me. By God’s grace I will allow the passions and drive he has given me to propel me into the next stage of my journey. I will be the Bryan I have always known that God was calling me to be, even as a little kid.

Jeremiah 29:11 - For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.