This year I’ve committed myself to finding a church to belong to. This is no easy task. Surprising as it may be the diversity of churches here in Manhattan really isn’t that great. Throw in the transient traits sometimes found in city dwellers my age (with whom regular church attendance is not high on their list of “to-do’s”) and finding a church and church community where you can love and be loved is rather difficult. At times this depresses me. It depresses me at times because my search is made all the more difficult by the fact that I’m gay. Finding a church in the city is hard as it is, but for me, finding a church in which I can be authentically me multiplies those difficulties ten fold.
Sometimes the trouble I face in finding a church to call my “spiritual” home brings about questions. I start to question if my being gay really is OK. I start to question why it is so difficult to find a place to belong among God’s children if I really do have a seat at the table. I find myself with questions like..Does God really love me the way that I am and more importantly, does he really not want me to change? I mean if this was OK, it wouldn’t be so hard….right? Surely this shouldn’t feel like such an uphill battle….
I look at my friends who stroll in and out of churches all across Manhattan, from one denomination to another with ease, and it hurts. It hurts when I watch them converse in a room with other Christians, all the while knowing that my sexuality and the beliefs I carry regarding it seemingly put me in another stratosphere. I don’t just want to be a part of the kingdom; I also want to feel like I’m a part of the kingdom, and too many times I don’t. Too many times I feel like the red headed step child who’s been ostracized for having red hair.
It's rough when the questions begin to flow. However, as I ask myself all of these questions I remember the path that brought me here, a path that was heavy laden with prayer, bible study, crying, more prayer, bible study, more crying, and more prayer. I remember the many many months of denial even when I felt that my being gay was really OK. I remember the many months of force feeding myself information about how wrong it was to be gay and how I could change if I really prayed and really tried because I couldn’t accept the truth I was seeing which said I really was OK. Then, I remember the day that I felt the love of God wrap its arms around me and tell me “I love you as you are”, and I remember the moment it truly sunk in and all became so clear.
When I think of the trials, frustrations, difficulties, and pain I face as a Christian who is gay I have to remember the author of my faith. I remember that the road which Christ walked was everything but smooth. He was rejected. He was scorned. He was labeled a lunatic, a liar, and deceived. I’m sure that He at times felt alone. I’m sure that at times his sadness was quite overwhelming. I’m sure that at times being the son of God on earth was “just too hard”. Yet, he was Christ, the Son of Man, the son of God. So, I can't look to the difficulties I face as a Christian who is gay as being indicators of whether i'm wrong or right. Instead, by the grace of God I view them as part of the process to understanding what it means to live a life for Christ, a life that is unique, that is powerful, that is authentic, that is perfected and refined in the fire.
More and more there are days when I look up at the sky. I remember who I am, all of me, and what I endure. And in those few seconds tears begin to well up in my eyes, for I am thankful.
When I stand before the Lord, I'll be standing alone. This journey is my own.Still I want man's advice, and I need man's approval, but this journey is my own Why would I want to live for man and pay the highest price? What would it mean to gain the world, only to lose my life?…..You can live for someone else, and it will only bring you pain. I can't even judge myself. Only the Lord can say, "Well done."
Sarah Groves – This Journey is My Own
Monday, February 05, 2007
The Journey
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4 comments:
I too have not found much of a church home... since moving away from home I've marginally attended different ones always feeling irrationally disconnected (I was always hiding something from them, after all). I've gotten more settled in to a campus para-church, but I'm at the point at the moment where I don't really know what to do about it all.
I don't know how important it is to you to find an 'accepting' church (this one would be staunchly Side B, I think), but - and I say this at the risk of being only the umpteenth person to say it - have you checked out Redeemer Presbyterian? It is kind of huge - you would absolutely have to take the initiative to get in a small group - but Tim Keller is amazing, and will consistently challenge you to live a more Christ-centered life in nearly every respect.
Of course, that may not be where God would lead you on your journey. It's just a resource, if you somehow hadn't heard of it by now.
Ghandi said, "Be the change you want to see in the world." I think it could also be said, "Be the change you want to see in the church."
There is much more than just finding a church that is 'accepting'. Certainly, there are many 'unaccepting' (or at the least, 'unaffirming') church congregations out there that are genuinely and passionately seeking to please God and do his will with an open heart. It may just be that they have never encountered a gay man w/ the same heart. Therein lies part of our calling: to live a fruitful (not necessarily 'fruity') life, demonstrating that a person's sexuality does not negate his relationship w/ God, challenging these people's understanding of homosexuals and dispelling their stereotypes.
Such acceptance and respect will not likely come immediately (and I'm not so certain that it should), but in time, we would hope that your fellow church attenders would see you as a fellow journeyman, follower of Christ, and friend...not simply 'the gay guy'.
If I may offer a couple of questions for your pondering...Who tells you who you are? After you've contemplated that one for a while, answer this one...Who does God say you are? I think this self-identification will be helpful in finding a chruch home.
I asked myself these questions while reading a book by William Sloane Coffin. He was a long term Presbyterian pastor at Riverside Church in New York. He was also affirming of homosexuals and their involvement in the church. I'm not sure where that church is in relation to Manhattan, but it may be worth your time to check it out.
Very true points my friend.
At the same time I don't know that someone who has recently reconciled their faith and sexuality is the person to be such an example in a church full of people who see our sexuality as the defining characteristic that sets us outside from the faith they hold so dear. In time, absolutely. However, i think it is important to understand who YOU are as a Christian who is gay before subjecting yourself to an environment where being "authentic" would not be received with open arms, particularly, at this point in time, when that environment is church. At this point in my life, having received very little acceptance in regards to my faith and my sexuality, a community of believers with whom I can be authentic is very important.
That being said, an affirming church is not a requirement. However, a church that does its best to practice the love of Christ in every regard is. That's easier to say than it is to find. In time I hope that we can all be the example that you speak of. Such an example is what will change the landscape of this issue as the years pass by.
However, right now, I need love. I need support. I need a pat on the back and a hug. I need a brother or sister in Christ, gay or straight, who will look me in the eye and say…knowing who and what I am,…”I love you Bryan”. I want my heart to leap for joy because I know that they mean it. I don't want to go to bible study "hiding". I don't want to sit in church thinking, although I may try my best not to, "what would they say if they knew I was gay?!?!". I don't want to deal with the awkward questions about why I haven't found a woman, who i've dated, and what I look for in a wife. I deal with all of that on a daily basis in my relationships with those who don't know. At church, at least for the time being, I want to come as close to authentic as I can be.
As for Riverside, it's actually up the street from me. It’s a fairly humongous church. I tried to get involved in one of their bible studies last year but with little success. Despite what would seem to be the obvious, the church experience in NYC can be quite rough.
God leads nonetheless.
That was quite an intense blog. Thanks for sharing your frustrations.
Finding a church that is accepting is no easy task. I've gone to churches that condemn us - I've also gone to churches that are only us (gay churches). I felt empty at both. I understand your feelings and will pray for you. You will find something soon.
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