Giving Up - The Sequel

I received excellent advice today from a friend. He said “…don't continue to let the "fantasy" of what's created in your own mind be a blindspot to what you deserve.”

He also said, “Live for today...you can't predict tomorrow.”

It’s all very simple yet profound advice.

So, I give up. That’s Ok with me. It’s a good thing.

Moments: #1 – Giving Away The Gay “Outting myself at work”

A conversation yesterday with a guy friend from work


Bryan: I can’t WAIT until March 20th

Vivy: Why? Oh let me guess. It’s the first day of spring….!

Bryan: Yup!

Vivy: Oh PLEASE!

Bryan: What?!

Vivy: That is so bogus! March 20th is such an arbitrary man made number. Who says that’s the first day of spring?!?!

Bryan: Ummm….JESUS!

Vivy: (cold stare)

Bryan: Ok maybe not. But still! It’s the first official day of Spring! It may not be warm outside but everyone knows that after March 20th it soon will be. That’s why everyone looks forward to it!

Vivy: Why do we always need to look ahead to when things WILL be good, why can’t we just enjoy the here and now. Why do we need to define the seasons at all?!?!

Bryan: We have to define the seasons…

Vivy: what?! WHY?!

Bryan: Dude! We HAVE To. What would the fashion industry do without defined seasons!?!?!

Bryan: What….are we gonna say “Oh look it’s the getting slightly cooler and the leaves are changing colors 2008 collection” Or let me guess “It’s the look the weather is becoming nice and temperate while the flowers are starting to grow 2008 collection”

Bryan: That’s RIDICULOUS!

Vivy: (silence)

Bryan: …........

Bryan: ....what?

Giving Up?

I’ve had this question floating around in my mind for the last few days, although it didn’t actually become a question that I could verbalize until a minute ago. The question is, when do you give up? It could be giving up on a person, on a situation, a job, a love, a dream. When do you finally say “…enough is enough. I give up”? I mean, I know we’re always told from the time we’re wee babes that giving up is not an option, that it’s a cop out. But, sometimes giving up is the right thing to do. Sometimes it’s the only thing to do.

Do you give up on that person, situation, job, love, dream even when your gut tells you, contrary to your experience, that what you want is attainable? Our guts aren’t always right, at least mine isn’t. Sometimes following your gut only makes things worse. So, when your gut says give it time, do you listen?

I’m very black and white. I like to fully understand how I feel and what I think, and then decide on a course of action. It’s my being black and white that makes me want to say “I give up” or “I won’t give up”, and not knowing which position to take makes me quite frustrated. There are things that I want to give up, things that seem like lost causes, but my gut says “don’t”. Shut up gut!

Maybe “gut” and “hope” are one in the same? Both can lead us to tremendous joy, or tremendous sorrow. The tricky part is deciding which outcome is worth the risk.

- Bryan

No hidden meaning...

...just good music.



I'm crying everyone's tears
I have already paid for all my future sins
There's nothing anyone
Can say to take this away
It's just another day and nothing's any good




Began an end today
Gave and got given
You made a friend today
Kindred soul cracked spirit

Here's to Love

I should be pretty down today. The day was full of hearing things I didn’t want to hear, preparing to face things I really didn’t want to face, being presented with decisions that I’m really not ready to make (nor know how to), and to top it all off I did something really stupid…surprise surprise. Part of me wants to crawl into bed and stay there until someone comes and drags me out. Yet, I’m feeling pretty good right now. That could be the cookies I just ate, but…actually yeah, it’s probably the cookies I just ate. But in all seriousness, it’s cool when you can love someone enough to say "even if it’s not with me, the thought of you being happy makes me incredibly happy". That’s what I experienced tonight for the first time, and it’s put such a smile on my face.

So, although it’s a tad bit late for Valentines day, here’s to love in its many forms. Love may not always come the way we want it, but that doesn’t mean it’s unrequited.

- Bryan

Über Gay, Über Emo, And ÜBER Cute

The Necessity of Disappointment

For some reason I’ve found myself blogging like a mofo over the past few days/weeks. It really has been an outlet for many things, though I imagine that once the Spring kicks in I’ll have much less to say on here and far more to say and do “out there”. In my defense I have had a lot going on. Work has been a bit nuts with all of us wondering who will get the boot and when once new management takes over. I also find myself with more commitments through out the city over the next few weeks than I care to be a part of.

I just find myself annoyed tonight, and it’s mostly with a friend. I just need to chill out I’m sure. People are people, and sometimes people disappoint us in incredible ways. He’s an awesome guy, and a good friend. I guess I just expected him to realize how important something was to me, and he hasn’t. It seems like yet another example of why I shouldn’t put so much faith in people, friends included.

Maybe beneath the irritation is hurt? I don’t know. I can’t really tell the difference.

Peace,
Bryan

What I do when I can't sleep...

...I write...


Live to love the piece of me that throws away the mystery of you.
Search and find the heart of me that grows and casts its net so close to yours

Love to live the deep regret that seems to swarm around this thread that binds us
Life, to love, to live, to leave the joy of which misery fails to remind us

Still, the life that love will not forget has bound us tighter, closer
I in you, and you in me, where grace abounds and stifles all life’s fury

Live to love the piece of me that welcomes home the mystery of you

(Insert Uber Gay and Uncreative Title Here)

So i'm not going back to New York City with a brand new house townhouse in the amish country.

BUT I AM GOING BACK WITH MY CAR!!!!!

Isn't she lovely!? That was a rhetorical question by the way. I don't want you PT Cruiser haters downing my high.

I loved not having to drive when I first moved to NYC. I still love not HAVING to drive. But I also miss the freedom of having a car, and feeling like more is available to me than where I can get to in a crowded subway car or Amtrak train. I have friends who vouch for how different life is with a car in Manhattan. One says it completely changed her outlook on life in Manhattan when she and her husband got their car. It's not quite that drastic for me, but i'm very excited nonetheless. I'm picturing many spring and summer evenings spent on the banks of the Long Island Sound in Westchester, NY and Connecticut. Let the good times roll!*

- Bryan

* I can't believe I wrote that... Who under the age of 53 says "let the good times roll"?! What a dork.

Sunday Morning Reflections

I woke up this Sunday morning, my brain flooded by a number of thoughts. Thoughts like:

- I wonder when everyone will leave for church and I’ll have the house all to myself for a few hours

- I can’t believe how in love I’ve fallen with that townhouse my mom and I visited yesterday (a ploy on her part to get me to move back to Pennsylvania)

- I wonder if “he” has gotten the letter, and what he’s feeling/thinking

- Why is it that as much as I love New York City, I often find it difficult to leave Pennsylvania and go back home.

Yesterday, after my mom took me to visit a sample of some new townhouses that are being built about 20 minutes from their house, we went to lunch. Well, correction, I went to lunch and managed to sucker her into sitting with me while I ate. Hey, she got a free dessert out of it. During lunch she said “I know you would never move back here” to which I ferociously nodded my head in agreement. But, after I sat thinking about how comfortable Pennsylvania has become for me, about how all my assumptions and hang-ups about Pennsylvania have mostly gone out of the window, and about how great the cost of living is, I looked at her and said “well, I wouldn’t say that I’d NEVER move back to Pennsylvania”. The truth is, I probably would move back to Pennsylvania. I’ve been surprised at how many “gay friendly” churches there are, even in the midst of amish country, by the diversity of people that live there (it seems even more diverse than it did when I was a kid), and the cheap cost of living (the beautiful, brand new, 1600 square foot, 3 floor town house I saw was priced at $195,000, while the average price of a not so big apartment in Manhattan last year was $1.4 million.).

However, the idea of moving back to PA at 26 feels like a death sentence. What would I do in Pennsylvania? How would I ever meet someone there? Yet, I’ve heard it said a million times, and I’ve said it myself, that NYC is not the place to meet someone if you’re looking for something significant. You’d have better luck in the backwoods of Alabama.

Deep down I know that the next move, especially if it’s to Pennsylvania, is it. I’m just not sure if I’m ready for my next move to be “it”, mostly because of the not having found someone bit. But, I am ready to settle down, quite ready, and I’m realizing that I can settle down without having found someone. Life goes on, whether coupled or single.

- Bryan

PS: The above picture is from the shore of the Deleware River here in PA. This really is a beautiful state.

Desiderata

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy. - From "Desiderata"

It’s always nice to get away from the city for a nice long weekend. It’s nice to remember, after a series of long winter months spent in Manhattan, that there is life off of the island. That life is different. It’s slower. I take it in much more easily, and much quicker than I would were it all a part of my regular routine. And while I still love the city, the peace and the quiet of the country serves as a reminder that, with all its sham, dudgery, and broken dreams, it really is still a beautiful world. I’m happy…

- Bryan

It Is Finished

So, I sent a bunch of Valentines day cards out to a lot of single friends yesterday. I also sent one to “him”. Let’s just say the deed has been done, although the effect will be delayed a bit. I could breathe before, but I guess I breathe just a bit easier today.

I just finished listening to “Dirty Little Secret” by Sarah McLachlin, in which the chorus says:

Cause I've relied on my illusions
To keep me warm at night
But I denied in my capacity to love
I am willing, to give up this fight”

I gave up the fight. I can move on, and since I’ve held my blog captive to my “love” ramblings…it can move on as well.



- Bryan

Sleepover Therapy

So I just finished a sleepover here in my apartment. I know, so junior high circa 1995. My best friend Anita was here, and we talked about anything and everything, as always, including, love, life, and the pursuit of happiness. She asked me a lot of questions about why I want to tell “him” how I feel. I had all the right answers, not really. She had some excellent advice and posed a few really good questions.

“Why can’t you just let it go and move on?” she asked.

“You know he doesn’t even feel the same way” she said.

“Anyway, if he did feel the same way, why doesn’t HE say something? Why is it always up to you?” she asked.

I’m thinking about these questions, and I’m wondering, why should I bother? What difference will it really make? Why risk a perfectly good friendship with a spectacular guy? And given how straight forward I’ve been in the past, why is it up to me to say something?

She’s gone home now, and after talking it out, I’m left, ONCE AGAIN, wondering if I should just move on in silence, keeping all of this to myself. If I had the slightest glimmer of hope, a tiny fraction of something, anything, that made me think that telling him could be worth it, I’d jump on it. But, the romantic piece of a person’s soul is difficult to reach when you’re friends. I mean…PFFFTT…you haven’t been romanced until you’ve been romanced by BLW. *eh hem* ok that was a bit much…sorry. But, maybe Anita is right. What do I have to gain? More importantly, why is this occupying so much of my time this week!

In other news…




I’M GOING TO SCANDINAVIA!!!!

Details to follow…

Bryan

Ready? Not really...

Last night a friend said, “Life can be very painful sometimes, but I don't think that avoiding happiness because it might bring about pain is the way to go. Without taking risks, life can be excruciatingly dull.”

The moment I read this I realized what’s been bothering me for the past week. I realized why I’ve made my home down in the dumps, which is certainly not like me. I realized that I need to say something. See earlier post for frame of reference.

I don’t need to say something to him because I think it will be reciprocated. I’ve already stated my thoughts on his feelings. I need to say something because in this situation, something in me is just not OK unless I say what’s on my mind and in my heart. Previously, I decided to swallow my own feelings because it just seemed pointless to do otherwise, but to my surprise, my heart is not complying. When did it become so bold?

I think I know how I’m going to do it, how i'm going to "say something", and It’s not going to be through a traditional phone call or uncomfortably long email. And no, I’m not going to write a sonnet, or sing a song, or send a box of chocolates. I’m going to do something I rarely do. Something that we all rarely do these days…

I risk making things really awkward between us. But, like my friend said “without taking risks, life can be excruciatingly dull.”

Am I ready? Nope.

Do I think this is the right thing to do? Yeah. I do.

...*sigh*...Lord help us all!

Salvation, Vulnerability, and Clothes, Oh My!

This is a photo by Duane Michals called "Salvation". Duane does a significant amount of photography featuring the male form, and, well...gay men.

Thought provoking...

On Vulnerability

How Vulnerable should one be? I suppose it depends on who you’re being vulnerable to. I find that I’m more vulnerable with certain friends than others. It feels a bit odd honestly. Tonight I shared with two friends (separate conversations) about the fact that I was freaking out about all the responsibilities I’ve taken on lately. I’ve been trying to be more transparent for a while now, but I must admit that opening up, even to friends, is still awkward. Yet, I know that I WANT to open up, otherwise I wouldn’t make it known that there’s something I need to open up about in the first place. That being said, I think, for right or wrong, there’s a certain level of vulnerability that I’ve only expected to reach in a romantic relationship. Yet, I’ve gotten dangerously close, not to a good relationship (le sigh) but to that level of vulnerability, and afterwards I’ve thought to myself “isn’t that something that I was only supposed to share with the person I fall in love with?”. I know…Bryan you foolish idealist you!

But really, if I share my heart and soul with someone who doesn’t long to share their heart and soul with me, what is left to share with someone who does want to share their heart and soul with me, and I don’t mean in a platonic way. Fortunately, I trust those that I’ve shared a great deal with enough to forcefully let go of the apprehension (and ideals…to some extent) and the friend that I’ve probably shared the most with I trust a great deal, which when I think about it, often makes me laugh as he’s several years younger, yet abnormally wise for his age.

Umm…yeah, I guess that’s that. I’m still waiting for someone with whom all of the guards can come down. I've had people, usually people I like, with whom i've desired to reach that level, but...i wouldn't let myself...seemed pointless.

In other news…

IT’S FASHION WEEK!

Lord prepare me for the material goodness that my eyes will behold.

For those who love clothes but don’t live in NYC…i’m sorry… I’ll try to take good pictures...







- Bryan

Matters of the Heart Part Deux. And some other stuff

I've continued thinking about some of the questions I raised in my last post. I've also been thinking about the saying "nothing ventured, nothing gained" as posed by David. This morning, after shooting an email to a friend about a trip to Europe i'm hoping to make this summer, I thought about all of this some more, and i've come to the conclusion that I'm not going to tell my friend (the one that I have some romantic interest in) how I feel. I just don't see the point. Yes, I know, "nothing ventured, nothing gained". But likewise, nothing ventured nothing lost, and considering that I'm pretty sure I already know how he feels, expressing my own feelings just seems like a pointless, awkward, and risky excercise. I don't see that there's anything TO gain. So, i'm going to keep silent. I'm bound to get over it one of these days, right?

Enough drama. I came across the site that hosts the below pictures via Jeoff's blog. I found a few of them quite funny so i'm posting them here. Laughter is, after all, the best medicine.

HA! Kids are great.

- Bryan