A Pretty Good Year

I have a song in my head by Tori Amos. I used to be in love with her and I think I have every album she ever made before 2000. Why did I stop listening after 2000 you ask. Well, quite simply…while excellent, I found her music at times so depressing it made me want to take a long walk off a short pier. However, as a mature adult I’m finding myself falling in love with her all over again…only without the depressing wrist slitting part. No doubt that my resurgence in interest is due to a certain Nebraskan blogger who is in love with this woman, but regardless of what it is…she’s pretty cool peeps!

“A Pretty Good Year” is the song that’s playing over and over again in my head. Although I’m not sure what Tori’s intent was in writing this song, I can’t help but listen to it and recall the events of this year and my hopes for the next. I can’t help but laugh at the hilarity of life’s changes. It’s as though each year I find that the world which I thought existed, didn’t really exist at all. My perception of what is real and what is lasting was repeatedly proven to be just that, MY perception. So, I go through this holiday season and into the new year with a smile on my face that could light up any room.

Sure, I remember when my mom was in the hospital, yet again. I remember the first time I realized that many of the people I love the most will not accept my being gay. I remember when I struggled to understand why I was here and what life was really all about. I remember more questions than there were answers. I remember when I cried myself to sleep many nights at the thought of just how piss-poor things really seemed to be. I remember kicking myself for deciding to live with a child that wasn’t mine.

I also remember when my mom left the hospital with a clean bill of health. I remember when I realized that I do not exist to be accepted and loved by others, but to live for the one who created me and will love me unconditionally. I remember when I stopped trying to understand the cosmic purpose behind every detail of my existence…it made my brain hurt. I remember when I finally understood what it means to let go, what it means to embrace the questions and let life lead me to the answers. I remember when after a night of crying myself to sleep, a little 2 year old came up beside me while I was sitting on the floor...looked me in the eyes…and gave me an "it's ok" back pat that somehow renewed my sense of love and hope (I swear she knew).

So, I can go through this holiday season saying… "Yes Tori…it really was a pretty good year."

A pretty damn good year indeed!