Virtually Exhausted

Last night I was able to chat with one of my best friends on instant messenger. I haven't spoken to her in any depth for about 3 months for reasons that are probably outside the scope of this blog. I will say that there was no falling out nor was there any sort of misunderstanding. Things just sort of fell off as I focused on processing some things that were going on in my own life. As I sat there on my wobbly futon, chatting away I couldn't help but carry a grin that spanned from ear to ear. Here I was, chatting online with someone who's known me for 8 years, who I've spent countless hours with, laughing, chatting, harassing, eating, and chilling. Talking to her online was a much-needed breath of fresh air.

I've met some amazing people these past few months, most of whom I’ve met online. These people span the globe and possess unique, wonderful, and captivating personalities. However, as I sat chatting with my friend last night I was finally able to put into words something I’ve been feeling for several months now but couldn't quite communicate. Talking online to people I don't know is a lot of work! I'm virtually exhausted.

In general while talking online I find it difficult to communicate my thoughts and feelings in writing.

"But Bryan...what about some of these wonderful blog's you've posted?! You seem to communicate quite well in writing!"

Well, in response to that I have a confession to make. I hate writing blog posts!

Ok, I don't hate it. Blog writing is my way of expressing my thoughts and feelings in a way that allows me to share those thoughts and feelings with others. However, doing so in a succinct and eloquent manner takes me quite some time and therefore, at times, really isn't all that enjoyable. If I could paint a picture or write a song to share with you instead, I'd do so in a heartbeat. Written communication really isn't my number one form of expression and is by far not my most enjoyable.

All that being said, written communication is vital as you befriend people you've never met. It is through your words that they get to know you. This for me presents a problem, as I don't often convey "me" accurately through written words, which often leaves false impressions regarding my thoughts, feelings, intent, personality, and character. Trying to combat that or correct it in the presence of a misunderstanding or comprehension failure during online communication with people I’ve never met can be exhausting.

It's just nice to talk to someone who can...

..specifically know, given the situation being discussed, what I mean when I say "..interesting" because they've heard me say it a million times under a million different circumstances.

..burst into laughter at my "LOL's" because they can truly picture me Laughing Out Loud

..because they know me, know my true intent in asking a question or making a statement

Someone who doesn't interpret the things that I say or my online actions as anything more than they are, and who when reading my words of disappointment, hurt, or confusion can simultaneously hear the confidence and strength in my voice and know that Bryan is just venting and as always he'll be just fine. I'd say that the past few weeks have resulted in a heightened sense of greatfullness for the friends in my everyday life who know me, sometimes better than I know myself.

As for the people I’ve come to know recently, well, they're quite wonderful! I have no doubt that they'd be just as wonderful in real life. I hope to one day be able to move from this online madness and partake in the joy of their physical presence.

I have many hugs to give!

You're Moving Where?!?!?!

Ever wanted to change the world? Yeah, neither did I!

So what compels a 25 year old guy with a great job, making great money, living in a great city with even greater friends and family close by, to drop it all and move to a small island in the South Pacific where he will live in an apartment with people he's never met and may not like, eat food he may not be able to stomach, re-live the early 90's with dial-up internet, have no cable TV, few modern amenities, and oh yeah, teach a bunch of teenagers some of whom may want nothing to do with him or a single thing he's going to teach!?

I've thought about this for quite some time actually. At times i've thought I had the answers only to realize that maybe I was wrong, and then began the process of thinking and praying all over again. Now almost 4 months later my heart delights in finally having found that answer. The answer is simply....

.. I Don't Know!

Ok, so not as profound as you were probably hoping, but hear me out....

For some reason my heart is in love with this place called the Federated States of Micronesia (the FSM). My friend Shawn can tell you that i've amassed so much knowledge about the FSM and it's inhabitatants that it's sometimes been scary. At first my desire to learn more about this tropical paradise was rooted in wanting to understand the experience he was having more intimately. However, as I studied and learned the details of this modern day garden of eden, I began to find myself wanting to experience it first hand. It was at that time that I learned of a Harvard affiliated organization whose sole purpose is to send educated men and women to developing nations to teach. Imagine my surprise upon finding out that not only did they have a dire need for teachers in the FSM, but that they specifically needed someone who could teach science. Having a Masters degree in Biochemistry and Molecular Biology with a Specialization in Biotechnology from Georgetown, and having worked as a Cancer Research Fellow at the National Cancer Institute of the National Institutes of Health, I immediately identified with the need that existed there. Fast forward almost 4 months later and I am accepted to this amazing program allowing me to teach in this great nation.

Will the road to the FSM be easy? Of course not. Will my time there be all cake and ice cream? I'd love to say yes but my PCV friends have more than confirmed that the answer will be no! Yet, me...Upper West Side Armani wearing me...is elated to kiss all of my comforts goodbye and move forward on this road to Pohnpei.

I'm not doing this to change the world. I'm not doing this because it will be easy. I'm not doing this because I don't think that there will be times that I miss "home" (wherever that is), my friends, my family, and the life I will have lead before I left. I realize that my life there will be different, and hope that afterwards it will never be the same.

We're all on a journey. We all move through life with purpose. Although our moving sometimes seems aimless, the purpose is not ours, but God's. It's hard to discern what we should and should not do as we travel along. Sometimes life becomes rough at best and human nature compels us to act somehow. So often I do act, all the while convincing myself that it's OK because God will not allow my "acting" to take me in a direction that He does not desire for me go in. Maybe that's true. Maybe it's not true. However, what I have found is that sometimes were it not for all of my "acting", "running", "over thinking", I would have experinced the tremendous peace (even joy) in the silence of life that only God can bring. So I move forward on this road to Pohnpei realizing that these are doors that only God could open and circumstances that only He could orchestrate. Yes it's scary and at times the present "comforts of home" are so much more enticing. However, I go forth knowing that He is with me.

As He continually inspires, perfects, and renews us, let us look to him for the Peace that surpasses all understanding, for the Joy that exceeds all sorrow, and for the Love that carries us through every trial.

Although our vision may be limited, His is limitless...

Regina Spektor

Regina Spektor is my new love!

Everyone Loves A Little Death

...Cab that is.

I love this song and the video is oddly reminiscent of an emotional and mental state that I seem to be in right now (minus the female).

Has My Sexuality Become My Idol?

I was having a conversation with my friend the other night about some of the many ways that God has been working in her heart and in her life. Both of them my great friends since college, her and her husband moved to Manhattan almost 2 years ago so that he could pursue a career in financial services. In doing so they went from a wonderfully comfortable life in sunny San Diego to barely making ends meet in crazy, uber expensive New York City. Of all the things my friend has had trouble adjusting to, it has been the lack of funds and difficulty making ends meet that has troubled, depressed, and broken her the most. It has been not knowing how they would pay the rent, provide their daughter with all that she needs and that they would like to give her, and simply being unable to enjoy all that life in one of the world’s greatest cities has to offer that has made her life here quite challenging.

As we spoke, she described to me a breaking point she experienced one day back in October of 2006, a day when she was so fed up and down trodden that she sat on a park bench after a full day at a job she hates, sobbing and prepared to pack her bags and go stay with her family in Pennsylvania. To this day she doesn’t know how she got up the strength to go back to her apartment, go to sleep, and wake up for work the next morning…but she did. In the days that followed she began to realize something in her self, something that began a process for great change. She began to realize that her finances had become her idol. She was no longer looking to God for direction, love, and support. She was so obsessed with her finances, or lack thereof…so obsessed with what others would think when she could no longer afford the rent or pay the bills..so worried about all that they couldn’t do, that God was no longer at the center of her life…this idol was.

As I listened to her I couldn’t help but ask myself…has my sexuality become MY idol? These days, being gay seems to be all I think about. My thought life seems to entail the following:

-What church will accept my being gay?
-When should I come out to my family?
-I need more gay friends
-Will I ever meet and marry the man of my dreams?
-What’s happening on GCN?
-Is gay really OK?
-Do I need to learn more about pro and anti-gay theology?

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. It seems that I’m constantly thinking, talking, and/or praying about my sexuality. Everything I seem to do lately has my sexuality at the center. I no longer walk into church with a mind prepared to hear from and worship God. Instead, I walk in wondering how “gay affirming” my “gay affirming” church really is. I no longer read my bible with the intent of drawing more closely to God and allowing him to speak into my heart. Instead, I read it seeking affirmation or disaffirmation of the truth I’ve come to believe about my being gay. I no longer sit with my Christian friends grateful for the love, fun, and fellowship. Instead I sit wondering how they would all react were they to find out that I’m gay. All of this and yet I’m the first person to become irritated at those who speak about my sexuality as though it’s the only thing that makes me “me”.

So what gives?

I guess part of coming out and accepting ones sexuality is diving into all the things (at least conceptually) that you’ve been ignoring or denying for all of the years that have gone before. However, over the past few days I’ve began to realize that there has to come a point in time where as Christians we realize that regardless of how big the issue may be in the church at large, our sexuality is only one small part of a much greater picture, a picture that involves a God who created us for great things and loves us unconditionally. My being gay should no more define my world than my friend’s being straight (or her finances) define hers. That’s not to say that my sexuality will not result in my feeling, experiencing, and responding differently to the world around me , but even still, it does not define me and it cannot (or should not) consume me. When it begins to consume me this gift (my sexuality) becomes a burden, and I do not believe that’s what it is meant to be.

So, by the grace of God, I am moving from that place where my sexuality seemed to dictate my every thought and deed, and moving towards a place where God is right where he belongs…smack dab in the center of my heart. Will it be easy? Probably not....but necessary nonetheless if i'm to be all that God is calling me to be.

It's Official...

I'm moving to Micronesia in July!!!




















(isn't she lovely...)

The Life that Love Brings

This will be a short post. I’m not as long winded of a poster as some of my blog crazy friends!

There is something wonderful in the air today. The birds are singing, the flowers are blooming, the sun is beaming, my heart is leaping, tears are flowing, a life is reborn…yet again. There is incense and amber…sunshine and twighlight. There is grace and gratitude…strength and weakness. And all of this, every detail, takes place inside of my soul.

The gift that I was told was not mine to receive is mine indeed. The joy that I was always informed was not mine to have, is mine for the taking. The peace I was often denied, is mine today. The life that love brings, was bought by none other than Christ himself, and when he did so…he thought of me.

His will has made me unique. His love has made me whole.

And so I carry on...

Artsy Mojo

Did these today while chilling around the house with my roomates. It's not much but it kept me entertained.

You Are the Sun

You are the sun shining down on everyone.
Light of the world giving light to everything I see
Beauty so brilliant I can hardly take it in
- Sarah Groves (You Are the Sun)

......“Be YOU” ...

I swear I’ve heard this at least 50 times this year from my good friend Shawn (a.k.a. SP, Shawnage, Shawnigan, PDiddy). It took me some time, but eventually I reached the point where I began to understand what that really meant. Understanding who “I” am is a continual process. One doesn’t deny a vital part of himself for 24 years only to turn around and accept himself fully in a matter of months. It’s a process that has involved more pain, excitement, anticipation, loneliness, and frustration than I’ve ever known. At times it has left me flat on my face, while at others it has left me floating on cloud 125…that’s right folks…there are clouds past 9!

As I sat in my room today thinking about all the stuff going on in my life, the many decisions that need to be made, the many people in my life that I’d like to include more fully, I stumbled upon a new blog entry by my friend Eric. Ok, I didn’t so much stumble upon it as I had already known he would post it and had been anxiously waiting for him to do so! I’m impatient and I make no qualms about it! As I read, I began to realize something about being “me”, something that I hope I will never forget. I am me today, in this moment, because of the many people, most of whom have entered my life this year, that have been by my side. I am “me” because of the many shoulders that I have leaned on, the many tears that have been shed on my behalf, the many thoughts and prayers that have gone up in my honor. To those people I say that I am me, simply, because you are You. You are encouraging. You are inspiring. You are captivating. You are visionaries. You are passionate. You are caring. You are loving. You are true fellowship. Though you span the globe, I carry you daily in my heart...your words, your smiles, and your spirits. As 2006 comes to a close, I can’t help but remember the many blessing I’ve seen as the result of knowing you.

So what, you may ask, does the title of this blog have to do with the content?

Well, as 2006 comes to a close there is one more thing I see quite clearly, perhaps more so than ever before. Unfortunately, at least in this instance, I am an artist by nature. I find it difficult to express certain things in words as I see them in vibrant colors and graphic depictions. So, while I would love to write something poetic and life-changing about who ultimately holds my heart and guides my steps, I’m afraid that my own words just don’t suffice. So, this song is as close as I could come. Don’t get too excited about the video though. It’s just circulating photographs, and intentionally so. It’s the words that really count.

(SP…I “borrowed” a photograph of yours… :-) ...)






You Are The Sun (Sarah Groves)

You are the sun shining down on everyone
Light of the world giving light to everything I see
Beauty so brilliant I can hardly take it in
And everywhere you are is warmth and light

And I am the moon with no light of my own
Still you have made me to shine
And as I glow in this cold dark night
I know I can’t be a light unless I turn my face to you

You are the sun shining down on everyone
Light of the world giving light to everything I see
Beauty so brilliant I can hardly take it in
And everywhere you are is warmth and light

And I am the moon with no light of my own
Still you have made me to shine
And as I glow in this cold dark night
I know I can’t be a light unless I turn my face to you

Shine on me with your light
Without you I’m a cold dark stone
Shine on me, I have no light of my own
You are the sun, you are the sun, you are the sun
And I am the moon

you have made me to shine
And as I glow in this cold dark night
I know I can’t be a light unless I turn my face to you
No I will never be a light unless I turn my face to you
No I will never be a light unless I turn my face to you
No I will never be a light unless I turn my face to you

Work After A Holiday

....is very challenging when you're an IT Business Analyst for an Investment Bank. Among the things that i've seen while parusing the office today are:

- People showing off their Christmas gifts
- People watching TV (Judge Judy that is)
- People playing foosball (that's right...fooseball! I don't know how it made its way into the office but it's here on the table and people are playing it like it's going out of style.)
- People playing chess
- People playing checkers
- People playing cards
- People playing with toy guns

A hard working bunch they are!

As for me, I’ve been very diligent in my tasks. So far I’ve managed to look for hotels for my parents who are coming into town next week. I've also managed to pick up some packaging tape and some juicy fruit from the pharmacy. I even went to go to the post office. AND NOW I’m composing a new blog entry. When I leave at 2:30pm I’ll feel really good about myself and all of my accomplishments!!!!

I know! It's been a tough day, but someone's gotta keep that corporate wheel spinning! And DAMN IT it if it's me an my colleagues, we're certainly up for the challenge!

Let's keep up the good work!!