I was having a conversation with my friend the other night about some of the many ways that God has been working in her heart and in her life. Both of them my great friends since college, her and her husband moved to Manhattan almost 2 years ago so that he could pursue a career in financial services. In doing so they went from a wonderfully comfortable life in sunny San Diego to barely making ends meet in crazy, uber expensive New York City. Of all the things my friend has had trouble adjusting to, it has been the lack of funds and difficulty making ends meet that has troubled, depressed, and broken her the most. It has been not knowing how they would pay the rent, provide their daughter with all that she needs and that they would like to give her, and simply being unable to enjoy all that life in one of the world’s greatest cities has to offer that has made her life here quite challenging.
As we spoke, she described to me a breaking point she experienced one day back in October of 2006, a day when she was so fed up and down trodden that she sat on a park bench after a full day at a job she hates, sobbing and prepared to pack her bags and go stay with her family in Pennsylvania. To this day she doesn’t know how she got up the strength to go back to her apartment, go to sleep, and wake up for work the next morning…but she did. In the days that followed she began to realize something in her self, something that began a process for great change. She began to realize that her finances had become her idol. She was no longer looking to God for direction, love, and support. She was so obsessed with her finances, or lack thereof…so obsessed with what others would think when she could no longer afford the rent or pay the bills..so worried about all that they couldn’t do, that God was no longer at the center of her life…this idol was.
As I listened to her I couldn’t help but ask myself…has my sexuality become MY idol? These days, being gay seems to be all I think about. My thought life seems to entail the following:
-What church will accept my being gay?
-When should I come out to my family?
-I need more gay friends
-Will I ever meet and marry the man of my dreams?
-What’s happening on GCN?
-Is gay really OK?
-Do I need to learn more about pro and anti-gay theology?
And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. It seems that I’m constantly thinking, talking, and/or praying about my sexuality. Everything I seem to do lately has my sexuality at the center. I no longer walk into church with a mind prepared to hear from and worship God. Instead, I walk in wondering how “gay affirming” my “gay affirming” church really is. I no longer read my bible with the intent of drawing more closely to God and allowing him to speak into my heart. Instead, I read it seeking affirmation or disaffirmation of the truth I’ve come to believe about my being gay. I no longer sit with my Christian friends grateful for the love, fun, and fellowship. Instead I sit wondering how they would all react were they to find out that I’m gay. All of this and yet I’m the first person to become irritated at those who speak about my sexuality as though it’s the only thing that makes me “me”.
So what gives?
I guess part of coming out and accepting ones sexuality is diving into all the things (at least conceptually) that you’ve been ignoring or denying for all of the years that have gone before. However, over the past few days I’ve began to realize that there has to come a point in time where as Christians we realize that regardless of how big the issue may be in the church at large, our sexuality is only one small part of a much greater picture, a picture that involves a God who created us for great things and loves us unconditionally. My being gay should no more define my world than my friend’s being straight (or her finances) define hers. That’s not to say that my sexuality will not result in my feeling, experiencing, and responding differently to the world around me , but even still, it does not define me and it cannot (or should not) consume me. When it begins to consume me this gift (my sexuality) becomes a burden, and I do not believe that’s what it is meant to be.
So, by the grace of God, I am moving from that place where my sexuality seemed to dictate my every thought and deed, and moving towards a place where God is right where he belongs…smack dab in the center of my heart. Will it be easy? Probably not....but necessary nonetheless if i'm to be all that God is calling me to be.
As we spoke, she described to me a breaking point she experienced one day back in October of 2006, a day when she was so fed up and down trodden that she sat on a park bench after a full day at a job she hates, sobbing and prepared to pack her bags and go stay with her family in Pennsylvania. To this day she doesn’t know how she got up the strength to go back to her apartment, go to sleep, and wake up for work the next morning…but she did. In the days that followed she began to realize something in her self, something that began a process for great change. She began to realize that her finances had become her idol. She was no longer looking to God for direction, love, and support. She was so obsessed with her finances, or lack thereof…so obsessed with what others would think when she could no longer afford the rent or pay the bills..so worried about all that they couldn’t do, that God was no longer at the center of her life…this idol was.
As I listened to her I couldn’t help but ask myself…has my sexuality become MY idol? These days, being gay seems to be all I think about. My thought life seems to entail the following:
-What church will accept my being gay?
-When should I come out to my family?
-I need more gay friends
-Will I ever meet and marry the man of my dreams?
-What’s happening on GCN?
-Is gay really OK?
-Do I need to learn more about pro and anti-gay theology?
And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. It seems that I’m constantly thinking, talking, and/or praying about my sexuality. Everything I seem to do lately has my sexuality at the center. I no longer walk into church with a mind prepared to hear from and worship God. Instead, I walk in wondering how “gay affirming” my “gay affirming” church really is. I no longer read my bible with the intent of drawing more closely to God and allowing him to speak into my heart. Instead, I read it seeking affirmation or disaffirmation of the truth I’ve come to believe about my being gay. I no longer sit with my Christian friends grateful for the love, fun, and fellowship. Instead I sit wondering how they would all react were they to find out that I’m gay. All of this and yet I’m the first person to become irritated at those who speak about my sexuality as though it’s the only thing that makes me “me”.
So what gives?
I guess part of coming out and accepting ones sexuality is diving into all the things (at least conceptually) that you’ve been ignoring or denying for all of the years that have gone before. However, over the past few days I’ve began to realize that there has to come a point in time where as Christians we realize that regardless of how big the issue may be in the church at large, our sexuality is only one small part of a much greater picture, a picture that involves a God who created us for great things and loves us unconditionally. My being gay should no more define my world than my friend’s being straight (or her finances) define hers. That’s not to say that my sexuality will not result in my feeling, experiencing, and responding differently to the world around me , but even still, it does not define me and it cannot (or should not) consume me. When it begins to consume me this gift (my sexuality) becomes a burden, and I do not believe that’s what it is meant to be.
So, by the grace of God, I am moving from that place where my sexuality seemed to dictate my every thought and deed, and moving towards a place where God is right where he belongs…smack dab in the center of my heart. Will it be easy? Probably not....but necessary nonetheless if i'm to be all that God is calling me to be.
2 comments:
Hey there!
You posted an intersting comment, me being gay and christian, and just coming to terms with this the last year and a half, I've had to deal with some of the things you've dealt with.
I've had times that God would have me read a gay book, or watch a gay movie, or go to the college gay group. And then he would pull me back a little bit and tell me that he wants to be the one who teaches me what it means for me to be gay.
I really don't think its the obessesing that's wrong (although obessesing is wrong, bear with me) I think its just the not allowing God to go with us through the process, which is so easy for a gay christian to do, because often we feel so rejected and abandoned by God about a part of who we are (sexuality)
And yeah... I guess it is a part of us, but at the same time think about it.... Hetrosexuals are a part of what is normally accepted, so they often don't even have the oppertunity to question their sexuality, or what it means to live out their sexuality before God.
As gay christians.. turn between the church and denying our sexuality. I can see how it would be so evident. Yes its apart of us. But a BIG part that makes us different from everyone else. A BIG part. I think that explains the obessesion in the mind. Also anyone who is called to something that something takes up a portion of their mind.
There has been times that God has held me back from the gay christian culture, only so I know I get it from him, and get to know him more through the process.
anyways good blog
keep bloging
steph
Awesome thoughts Steph! And I agree with you.
Thanks for commenting!
Bryan
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