On the Way Home

Took this while walking home tonight.

It was cold.

It was quiet.

It was nice.

Follow up to "The Goofball Within" - Not So Goofy Afterall

I've been thinking a lot about my earlier post "The Goofball Within". Well, actually I haven't been thinking about it all that much. But, there have definitely been moments where the questions that I asked in that post have come to mind, and I think I’ve finally arrived at an answer. Simply put …I don’t give a crap!

Hmmm… “I don’t give a crap” ...there’s that Georgetown education at work YET again!

Anyway, poor grammar aside, my point is that i'm completely, perfectly, and unabashedly content with the person that I am...goofball or no goofball. I make no excuses for that. Inauthenticity really isn’t an option for me. I just don’t have that kind of will power. So, I will continue with my inappropriate jokes and dry sarcasm, and my inappropriate photos with the Charging Bull were probably not my last. Viva la Goofballs!

Cheers!

Going back to school...

...for interior design.

I'm extremely exctied. I'm also extremely nervous! There's so much to figure out and i'm trusting that things will work out as they should. I've reached this point many times in the past. It's no secret that my heart is in the design world, and in the past such careers have always been top on the list of things I should be doing, while the things I am doing have always been in the middle or at the very bottom. Yet, fear of the substantial loss of income and the logistics of how my path to my dream would take place kept me from moving forward. I woke up the other morning and finally said "enough is enough". I can spend the rest of my life waking up and dreading the day that lies ahead just because the paycheck is good, or I can take a risk and follow my heart, perhaps into poverty? Oh well, i'm going to follow my heart.

The Goofball Within

I’m an intelligent, caring, successful businessman, who also happens to be a total… goofball. *sigh*

This is something that makes me laugh and that makes me feel awkward at the same time. It makes me laugh because, well…I do some of the silliest, craziest, most nonsensical things! I love to laugh and I love being around people who also love to laugh. One of the greatest feelings is busting a gut with someone you care about. However, while many women find a humorous guy attractive (particularly when he also has a brain) I don’t know that most gay guys do. It goes back to my idea that many men are influenced, foremost, by appearance and perception, whereas women tend to be, foremost, influenced by emotions. It’s almost as if to say that many women are initially influenced by what’s happening in their heart, whereas men tend to be influenced by what’s happening in their groins. Ok that’s harsh…but I’m not quite ready to say that it’s untrue. Some have tried to convince me otherwise, but I have yet to hear a compelling argument.

So, what’s a goofball to do? I could easily assume the role of the sophisticated New Yorker. I have to do it often because of my line of work and some of the circles I travel in, although I’m naturally more laid back. I could hold back my laughter. I could refrain from wise cracks and dry sarcasm. I could only speak when I have something highly intelligent and unamusing to say. I’d certainly feel more mature, I suppose. And, perhaps, I’d meet someone who would see me as more than just a really cool friend.

Hmmm…I’m not sure what I think on this matter. I’m not sure what I’d be sacrificing, or gaining, in the end. What is the difference between bettering oneself, and becoming someone you were never meant to be? What is and isn't necessary, and where is the line?

Typical Day

I never realize how fast this city is until I see things like this. It's hard to believe, but there's actually peace in the chaos.




...and here's a bit of that peace (not taken by me, but it's my neighborhood)

Twenty Something

A few weeks ago I made a comment to a friend in which I referenced people in their early 20’s. I unconsciously did so in a way that implied that I fit into that category, only to have my friend point out that I’m no longer in my early 20’s. “Wow. I’m no longer in my early 20’s” I thought to myself afterwards. When the heck did that happen?! When did I enter this new and final phase of young adulthood, and why didn’t I realize it? Regardless, I must accept the truth that I’m getting older. Doing so isn’t that difficult because to be honest, it’s great!

I’ve reached a point where I know who I am, not completely, but much more than I did at 21. I have enough of a sense of what I want to know how to follow in its general direction. Much more of what I do is because I want to do it, and much less is driven by the expectations of others. I’m much less interested in being someone else’s ideal person, and much more interested in being the best me that I can be. I'm much more capable of accepting those things that I cannot change, and much more interested in working on those things that I can. More and more, I am who I am because it’s who I want to be.

As I sit in my own apartment with rent I can actually afford, in the city I’ve wanted to be in since I was 7, with a job I never thought I’d have, in a company I wanted to work for since I was 21, with more friends and family than I ever thought i'd have, I’m thankful to say that none of the "good me” was lost in the process. Now, I no longer miss who I was at 21, but instead, am pretty proud of who I am at 26.

- Bryan

Life...Together

My nana passed away about a week ago. She was 97. We held her funeral on Monday. My pop-pop, her husband, died in 2003. When he died they had been married for 75 years. 75 years! This fact, in combination with watching my parents over the past week, has left me thinking about what it means to spend the rest of my life with someone.

I now understand why it’s so important that the person you spend your life with be more than just a lover, but a friend, a friend that either is or can become your best friend. There is far more to a marriage than sex, but somehow sex is often what so many of us single people think about when we think about a lifelong commitment, at least those of us who have decided to wait. Yet, sex is just one component of what makes a loving relationship a success. I imagine that when physical beauty has faded, there should be an inner beauty which never fades, an attraction based on what’s inside that grows stronger with the passing of time. I know for a fact that my grandparents didn’t have sex for the last 19 years of their marriage. Yet, they loved deeply. My parents on the other hand, are hornballs. They’re also best friends, who love deeply.

So, what would it be like to spend the rest of my life with one person? No children. No pets. Just the two of us. Sitting with company or in silence. Enjoying one another and at times, our loved ones. Cooking together. Laughing together. At times annoyed with one another. Attending church together. Running together. Hiking together. Watching the sun rise and set, together. Two hearts joined together, whether physically together or apart. What would that be like?


- Bryan

Thanksgiving Week Reflections

Sometimes I catch a glimpse of something I want as part of my future. It’s usually short-lived, being just long enough to realize how wonderful it would be to have, but not long enough to know whether it’s meant for me, or good for me. It comes suddenly, perhaps through a comment from a friend, the smile of a child, a gust of wind, a warm embrace, or a ray of sunlight peeking through my window in the early morning hours. The experience is both beautiful and uncomfortable at the same time.

This post comes on the tail end of a conversation with a friend today in which we both shared some of the desires and complexities of our hearts. I guess there are some friends who just give us clarity, friends who inadvertently allow us to learn more about ourselves, who we are, what we want, and what we have to be thankful for. I have a few like that, and I’m grateful. Today’s conversation, though brief, was good for me. My friend already knows the affinity I have for him (yes, friends CAN have that *rolls eyes* ), and that parts of who he is are reflective of the traits I hope to find in my future “husbpartnerspouse”. In that respect it’s always cool to chat with him and be reminded that likeminded gay guys do exist. More importantly though, today I was reminded that of all the glimpses I’ve caught, I’ve seen enough of them realized to be OK were I to never see another. I have much to be thankful for.

It’s comforting to know that some things are just out of my control, including who I’ll be or what things and people will shape my world in the years to come. I guess I’m content without all of the answers. I guess I’m ok not knowing when this season will end, and what the next one will bring. I’m really ok.

I guess you would have to have known me for the better part of the past 26 years to know why “I’m ok” means more than the words themselves can possibly express.

Happy Thanksgiving!

-Bryan

“Even if my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me…. I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.” From Psalm 27 - A Psalm of David. :)

Where's my Swear Jar

So, it's back to work for me today. After a weekend in the Catskills and two lovely days outside of the office, it's time to return. There's something about returning to work in the bitter cold that just makes returning to work that much more difficult. It also makes it really difficult for me to get my butt out of bed and go for a run. I hate running in the cold.

Anyhow, I chatted on the phone with my friend David last night for a few hours. Somehow we got onto the topic of weather, at which point he said "I can understand why someone would live where it's always hot, or why someone would live where it's always cold, but I don't understand you New York people who live where it's so hot in the summer and so cold in the winter." I woke up this AM with that thoughts on my mind, and I think I finally have an answer!

We forget!

Yup. Somehow. Someway. We forget. When the spring hits and those flowers start to bloom, when those birds start to sing, and that sun starts to shine for more hours in the day...we forget ALL about the winter, the cold, the snow. The promises we made ourselves during those coldest moments to move to some sunny tropical place? Yeah, we forget them too. Yup. That's it.....

Anyway, the below is a Youtube video that seems appropriate for my return to the office today. *sigh*

Enjoy!

A Retreat to the Mountains

So, I was fortunate enough to go to the Catskills this weekend for a retreat. And it was truly a retreat. Good scenery, great company, and good food have a way of making things better, not that things were bad to begin with.

I could write forever on all that I experienced and learned this weekend. But since I don't much feel like writing forever, I decided to just throw a Sarah Groves song in instead. I'm that lazy...

New England's is a beautiful place...