Bad Blogger...BAD!

It’s been brought to my attention that I’ve been a very bad blogger these past few months. I can’t argue. I have been. In my defense I’ve been doing a lot of living and as a result haven’t had much time to put my thoughts and experiences up for everyone to see. Truth is, I don’t know when and if I’ll blog much from now on. I just don’t feel like I have anything worth while to say.

I often post music videos on my blog. It may seem weird, but music speaks to me in ways that nothing else does. When I’m feeling a certain way, often the first thing that comes to mind is a song. Sometimes it’s a song that I wrote or am creating in my head. Sometimes it’s someone else’s. Music is a powerful thing, and I’m always amazed at the fact that there really is a song for every occasion.

It’s been a great weekend for me, filled with good news and good friends. I’ve had a ball. Today as I was walking home from the train listening to a song called Kings and Queens by Apostle of Hustle, I somehow wandered into the thought of how awesome it would be to cap this weekend hand in hand with the love of my life. These types of experiences have been common for me lately. I don’t know if it’s the Fall or just par for the course in getting older, but it’s interesting to see all the random situations that make me think about the day when that someone will really be there. I don’t know who he’ll be or what “we’ll” be like together, but thinking about it is pretty exciting, because love is just, well, exciting. I suppose I’m more of a romantic than I give myself credit for.

I love this song, and it comes to mind whenever I think about love and that moment when you realize that you’ve fallen for someone. I fully intend to play this song one valentine’s day for guy I end up falling for. Hopefully we don’t know each other and he’s not a reader of this blog. Otherwise the surprise is totally ruined.

It’d be even more romantic if we met in a coffee shop. I guess a guy can only ask for so much.

The Fall

Across the oceans I will seek you
Across the sea and across the sky
The breeze by your side and the whisper in your ear
An essence of something sweeter
A passion born of yearning and despair
I will search for you
Until the earth swallows me whole
Until the wind destroys my stride

Who will hide your face from me?

And who will keep your heart in step with mine?

- Anonymous

Classic Coldplay...never gets old

Yellow



Clocks


Fix You


Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Life, or something like it...

It’s been a while since i’ve blogged. It’s been a crazy past few months and life has been pretty interesting as of late, in some ways good…in some ways bad. Work is insane, although it’s been more challenging (in a good way) than I can ever remember it being before. It’s good, but it’s tough, because in a group with 3 others who do what I do I’m supposedly the only one who has promise. The others may not even be around by the end of the year, not their decision of course, and the stress of trying to do everything perfectly as not to slip up and get grouped into the same category is starting to get to me. Of course there’s no shortage of sick relatives, as always, with my grandfather succumbing slowly to prostate cancer over the last few weeks. My mom is having major surgery in a few weeks. I managed to get into two pretty large fights in the same week, one with a good friend, and one with my best friend. I don’t know that my best friend and I will make amends, which after 10 years of friendship leaves me with very few words. Oh, and the economy sucks too…

So, why so grim a post? I don’t know. I think this was more for me than for anyone else. Sometimes it’s nice to just put it all out there, even when the only ones who will read it are strangers you’ll never know or see.

There’s something about adulthood that’s painful and pleasurable all at the same time. You realize that sometimes life sucks, but it doesn’t have to end there. What doesn’t kill you actually can make you stronger, and as an added benefit you can learn something in the process. I’m learning more than I care to right now, and I’m not sure what the end results will be.

C’est la vie. Enjoy the song...

Dudes are weird, and a little Kaskade

I know, i'm slacking on the posts these days. Things are a bit busy at the moment, and while I have many thoughts and experiences, I rarely find myself with the time or energy to blog them out in a meaningful way. I'll sum up my experiences as of late by simply saying "dudes are weird".

Moving on...I’m attending Kaskade’s New York City album release party at Mansion next Friday. Kaskade has a pretty interesting story. He’s Mormon, and there aren’t too many Mormon DJ’s on the worldwide club scene. He’s a neat guy, with inspiring music, and absolutely fantastic beats. Next Friday should be fun. Get his album.

madness....

Fighting in the Boardroom

Got in a fight with a friend today, which was made more awkward by the fact that she's a coworker, which is made even more awkward by the fact that it was in the middle of a meeting (sigh). This really hasn't been my week.

Tomorrow should be interesting. And I hope and pray that i'll be less irritated with her, and her with me, when the morning comes. In the back of my mind I know life is way to short to be angry over something like this. But, in the meantime, I can't seem to get this song out of my head.



I believe in peace
I believe in peace

Death Cab New Album - May 13th

It's like a book elegantly bound, but in a language that you can't read - just yet...

Sometimes when you're lost, you're closer than you think

if I was crying
in the van, with my friend
it was for freedom
from myself and from the land
I made a lot of mistakes
I made a lot of mistakes
I made a lot of mistakes
I made a lot of mistakes

you came to take us
all things go, all things go
to recreate us
all things grow, all things grow
we had our mindset
all things know, all things know
you had to find it
all things go, all things go

A Question or Two - Just Because

If you could take back something you’ve said to someone you know, with pride no longer an obstacle, what would it be?

If you knew that tomorrow was your last day on earth, and you could spend it with someone you know doing something you love, who would you spend it with and what would you do?

I’m thinking of my answers…

Realize

I heard Colbie Caillat recently, and I’m pretty taken back by her talent. As you can hear, her voice is phenomenal, and chicks who play the guitar always make me swoon (in a non-heterosexual kind of way).

I love songs that actually mean something and that actually speak to the human experience, as opposed to the nice sounding gobly gook that some musicians put out there. "Realize" is particularly beautiful, and speaks to an emotional place we’ve all been in at some point or another.

Almost Friday

Moments: #2 – Giving Away The Gay “Outting myself in Jiu Jitsu class”

During your action packed testosterone infused Jiu Jitsu class, instead of appropriately referring to it as your Gi

You proceed to ask... “Where can I get new pants for my costume?”

*sigh*

Week of Perpetual Indulgence

For the past few weeks I’ve been on a half-marathon training program. A few days a week I would get up in the morning and run, some days 2 miles, most days more like 5 or 6, slowly working my way up to 13. However, for some reason over the past three weeks it became difficult to follow my training plan, culminating last week in major difficulty getting out to run, little energy while running, and even more difficulty resisting my desire to stuff my face with all things soaked in sugar and saturated fat. Of course the logical response to this weakening of the will is to just fight harder. But, who needs logic? So, I decided that I’d give in. For one week I’ve let myself indulge until I could indulge no more. I can’t say that there was much this week that I wanted that I didn’t allow myself to have, and that extends beyond the realm of food. If I thought about it, and it was within my control to attain, I did it, ate it, indulged in it. I did it all, and in excess.

So, what’s the end result of a week of perpetual indulgence? A sick stomach. Trouble sleeping. A guilty conscious. Zero energy. And a much greater appreciation for the spiritual practice of self-control. fun….

Starting Sunday I’m back on the wagon, with a 20+ mile running week, Jiu Jitsu classes on Monday and Wednesday, and a goal to limit my sugar intake drastically. Was this a good week? In some ways. It’s always refreshing to be reminded that I don’t always know what’s best for me or what the hell I’m doing, while gaining a newfound appreciation for the fact that God does. What a relief.

Sunday can’t come fast enough....



And if you get lost I'll always find you
You're all that I need your heart will keep you true
My only you

(insert witty title here)

Today has been a bit awkward in that I’ve spent it down in the dumps. I’m not sure why. It’s beautiful outside, a picturesque spring afternoon, and nothing has happened to make me feel blue. Yet, I do feel a bit blue. Bahumbug!

On days like this, where I wish I were home lying in bed, staring up at the ceiling, and thinking about nothing, I also wish there were someone that I could lie in bed and stare up at the ceiling with. I don’t know why the thought of intimacy makes the down days better, but it does.

However, since I’m single again (story for another blog, and no I wasn’t dumped…gotta save face, even online), I’ll trade holding someone I love for holding onto a chocolate chip cookie. That's fair compensation, no? I think I’ve earned it. Sort of.

Ok I had cookies last night for dinner...

Prolonging the Inevitable

Lots to write about, but little energy to write with. That just means that i'll have quite the doosey when I do sit down to blog something worthwhile. But, in the meantime, here's a video of the 2008 pillow fight in Union Square...you know...because it's so relevant...

Birthdays Are For Winners

Today is my birthday, and as any good New Yorker would do, i'm celebrating it by leaving New York (city that is).

If anyone needs me i'll be communing with nature in the Catskills (or something...)

I'll Take The Round Peg Please

"You can’t fit a square peg into a round hole"

I’ve heard that saying a million times, and I’ve often applied it to my own life. Every time I did so, I was the square peg and life as I knew it, work, church, and certain friends, were the hole. Yet, life isn’t perfect. Sometimes we have grandiose ideas of what we’d like to achieve and who we’d like to become. In mine, I was a partnered father of two with a house in Connecticut and a successful interior design firm in the city. In my grandiose ideas life is fun, and comfortable, full of creativity and passion. Now, take a look at reality, in which I’m a single guy in New York City with a pretty good career in investment banking. No present partner and no where near getting one. No kids and no where near having any. And no interior design firm and, you guessed it, no where near having one. Life is sometimes boring. I’m sometimes much more lonely than I’d like to be. Community, good and persistent community, is very hard to come by, and sometimes I don’t know why the hell I’m still here. That is my life, and although at times I wish it were different, it is what it is and it’s really not too shabby.

It can be difficult to realize that the world you created in your head when you were young isn’t the world you were meant to have, and that that life isn’t the one you were meant to live. However, focusing on that can cause one to miss out on the life and the world which exists right before ones eyes. When I was a kid I was creative and passionate about all sorts of things that seemed to have disappeared when I became an adult. Truth is that creativity and passion are still there. As a kid such things were pretty much all of me. As an adult, they’re just a part of me. I’m ok with that. That’s how it’s supposed to be.

The round hole has really been me, while the square peg has been my expectations, and i'm tired of trying to make my life conform to my expectations. I guess I’m reaching the end of my quarter-life crisis, and to it I bid adeu.

- Bryan

I'm Ready...

...for the weekend...



Switch me on
Turn me up

Goldfrapp On The Brain

It’s odd how much social networking sites like myspace and facebook, as well as email and text messages, have connected us in a way that when we’re not “virtually around” it’s the equivalent of having fallen off the face of the earth. I’ve been virtually MIA lately, at least that’s what I’ve heard, as I’ve found myself having infrequent communication with friends via any of these methods. Those who have experienced my distance the most, I suppose, have been those friends who live far away. I made an attempt this week to resurface by reactivating my facebook account, only to feel more content by deactivating it again.

It’s nice having so many friends who live all over the United States. Yet, sometimes I feel like something is missing, and that I expect things from those relationships that the distance makes impossible. I’ve said it before, but I feel like I invest too much in people who can never be more than a plane ride away, and too little in those who are here. Makes sense, at least for me. It’s much easier to be transparent with someone who can’t actually see and experience your transparency. But, I’m finding that email, text messages, and phone calls can only do so much. It’s the smile, the smell, the touch, the laugh, the expressions of joy, sorrow, excitement, discontentment that I need these days. It’s kinda nice to be with people who know what the face you just made really means, and that kind of knowing someone takes time…time together.

In the technological age its become so easy to equate phone calls, emails, and IM conversations to time spent together, one on one, face to face. I suppose it can be a substitute when it’s with someone you’ve already spent significant time with, like my phone conversations with a close friend from college who lives in Pennsylvania. But, right now, anything outside of that seems to fall short. Not a waste of time, just…not enough, and not satisfying.

So, I’m Goldfrapping it…



I was feeling lonely, feeling low
Feeling like I needed you
Like I hoped you'd call and hoped you'd see me

Daydreamin'

It’s easy to think about day dreaming as a simple and meaningless escape, and no doubt, sometimes it really is. But, sometimes it just serves as a way to hang onto thoughts, feelings, experiences, and people, that we really need to let go of. How many times have you day dreamed about a date with that guy you like but doesn't like you, or that house you want but can't afford, or what you’d do with that bonus you probably won't get, or that car you can’t afford, or some form of intimacy with that person you can’t have? I do it all the time. Sometimes it’s meaningless, but sometimes it creates expectations that will probably never be fulfilled. Just as important, it sets up expectations of that “thing” you’re day dreaming about which that “thing” may never be able to meet.

Yesterday on the train this guy was standing next to me. He kept checking me out while trying to pretend to read his newspaper. I only knew this because, well, he was cute and tall and I was kind of checking him out too. At one point I looked at him when he was glaring at me and we both started laughing. He had such a great smile. Two seconds later it was my stop, so I got off, and that was the end of it.

What does this story have to do with daydreaming? Well, similar experiences to the above have occurred a few times in the past two weeks, and BOY has it been fun! But at some point last night between talking to a friend about how to accessorize her home (so gay) and trying to decide what my weekend plans would consist of, I realized that nothing ever materialized over the past two weeks because 1) I’m shy, and 2) none of the guys I’ve flirted with, talked to, or chilled out with were like the ones I envision in my ridiculously romantic daydreams, or as seemingly compatible with me as my friend that I had feeli…eh, we all know that story by now. No guy will meet the criteria of the one in my head, and they shouldn’t have to, but…tell that to my overly shy refuses to “date” would rather fall in love with a friend, head. Something's gotta give.

So, the moral of the story is that every time you daydream a puppy dies…

Bryan