Another Side of Something

Bad Blogger...BAD!

2008-12-07T16:03:00.002-05:00

It’s been brought to my attention that I’ve been a very bad blogger these past few months. I can’t argue. I have been. In my defense I’ve been doing a lot of living and as a result haven’t had much time to put my thoughts and experiences up for everyone to see. Truth is, I don’t know when and if I’ll blog much from now on. I just don’t feel like I have anything worth while to say.

I often post music videos on my blog. It may seem weird, but music speaks to me in ways that nothing else does. When I’m feeling a certain way, often the first thing that comes to mind is a song. Sometimes it’s a song that I wrote or am creating in my head. Sometimes it’s someone else’s. Music is a powerful thing, and I’m always amazed at the fact that there really is a song for every occasion.

It’s been a great weekend for me, filled with good news and good friends. I’ve had a ball. Today as I was walking home from the train listening to a song called Kings and Queens by Apostle of Hustle, I somehow wandered into the thought of how awesome it would be to cap this weekend hand in hand with the love of my life. These types of experiences have been common for me lately. I don’t know if it’s the Fall or just par for the course in getting older, but it’s interesting to see all the random situations that make me think about the day when that someone will really be there. I don’t know who he’ll be or what “we’ll” be like together, but thinking about it is pretty exciting, because love is just, well, exciting. I suppose I’m more of a romantic than I give myself credit for.

I love this song, and it comes to mind whenever I think about love and that moment when you realize that you’ve fallen for someone. I fully intend to play this song one valentine’s day for guy I end up falling for. Hopefully we don’t know each other and he’s not a reader of this blog. Otherwise the surprise is totally ruined.

It’d be even more romantic if we met in a coffee shop. I guess a guy can only ask for so much.

The Fall

2008-10-16T21:31:00.006-04:00

Across the oceans I will seek you
Across the sea and across the sky
The breeze by your side and the whisper in your ear
An essence of something sweeter
A passion born of yearning and despair
I will search for you
Until the earth swallows me whole
Until the wind destroys my stride

Who will hide your face from me?

And who will keep your heart in step with mine?

- Anonymous

Classic Coldplay...never gets old

2008-08-09T19:02:00.002-04:00

Yellow

Clocks

Fix You

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Life, or something like it...

2008-08-08T00:44:00.001-04:00

It’s been a while since i’ve blogged. It’s been a crazy past few months and life has been pretty interesting as of late, in some ways good…in some ways bad. Work is insane, although it’s been more challenging (in a good way) than I can ever remember it being before. It’s good, but it’s tough, because in a group with 3 others who do what I do I’m supposedly the only one who has promise. The others may not even be around by the end of the year, not their decision of course, and the stress of trying to do everything perfectly as not to slip up and get grouped into the same category is starting to get to me. Of course there’s no shortage of sick relatives, as always, with my grandfather succumbing slowly to prostate cancer over the last few weeks. My mom is having major surgery in a few weeks. I managed to get into two pretty large fights in the same week, one with a good friend, and one with my best friend. I don’t know that my best friend and I will make amends, which after 10 years of friendship leaves me with very few words. Oh, and the economy sucks too…

So, why so grim a post? I don’t know. I think this was more for me than for anyone else. Sometimes it’s nice to just put it all out there, even when the only ones who will read it are strangers you’ll never know or see.

There’s something about adulthood that’s painful and pleasurable all at the same time. You realize that sometimes life sucks, but it doesn’t have to end there. What doesn’t kill you actually can make you stronger, and as an added benefit you can learn something in the process. I’m learning more than I care to right now, and I’m not sure what the end results will be.

C’est la vie. Enjoy the song...

Dudes are weird, and a little Kaskade

2008-05-31T11:34:00.002-04:00

I know, i'm slacking on the posts these days. Things are a bit busy at the moment, and while I have many thoughts and experiences, I rarely find myself with the time or energy to blog them out in a meaningful way. I'll sum up my experiences as of late by simply saying "dudes are weird".

Moving on...I’m attending Kaskade’s New York City album release party at Mansion next Friday. Kaskade has a pretty interesting story. He’s Mormon, and there aren’t too many Mormon DJ’s on the worldwide club scene. He’s a neat guy, with inspiring music, and absolutely fantastic beats. Next Friday should be fun. Get his album.

madness....

Fighting in the Boardroom

2008-05-21T21:11:00.005-04:00

Got in a fight with a friend today, which was made more awkward by the fact that she's a coworker, which is made even more awkward by the fact that it was in the middle of a meeting (sigh). This really hasn't been my week.

Tomorrow should be interesting. And I hope and pray that i'll be less irritated with her, and her with me, when the morning comes. In the back of my mind I know life is way to short to be angry over something like this. But, in the meantime, I can't seem to get this song out of my head.

I believe in peace
I believe in peace

Death Cab New Album - May 13th

2008-05-12T19:18:00.001-04:00

It's like a book elegantly bound, but in a language that you can't read - just yet...

Sometimes when you're lost, you're closer than you think

2008-05-09T23:24:00.005-04:00

if I was crying
in the van, with my friend
it was for freedom
from myself and from the land
I made a lot of mistakes
I made a lot of mistakes
I made a lot of mistakes
I made a lot of mistakes

you came to take us
all things go, all things go
to recreate us
all things grow, all things grow
we had our mindset
all things know, all things know
you had to find it
all things go, all things go

A Question or Two - Just Because

2008-05-09T23:13:00.001-04:00

If you could take back something you’ve said to someone you know, with pride no longer an obstacle, what would it be?

If you knew that tomorrow was your last day on earth, and you could spend it with someone you know doing something you love, who would you spend it with and what would you do?

I’m thinking of my answers…

Realize

2008-05-04T20:06:00.003-04:00

I heard Colbie Caillat recently, and I’m pretty taken back by her talent. As you can hear, her voice is phenomenal, and chicks who play the guitar always make me swoon (in a non-heterosexual kind of way).

I love songs that actually mean something and that actually speak to the human experience, as opposed to the nice sounding gobly gook that some musicians put out there. "Realize" is particularly beautiful, and speaks to an emotional place we’ve all been in at some point or another.

Almost Friday

2008-04-23T21:01:00.002-04:00

Moments: #2 – Giving Away The Gay “Outting myself in Jiu Jitsu class”

2008-04-17T23:44:00.006-04:00

During your action packed testosterone infused Jiu Jitsu class, instead of appropriately referring to it as your Gi

You proceed to ask... “Where can I get new pants for my costume?”

*sigh*

Week of Perpetual Indulgence

2008-04-12T00:03:00.004-04:00

For the past few weeks I’ve been on a half-marathon training program. A few days a week I would get up in the morning and run, some days 2 miles, most days more like 5 or 6, slowly working my way up to 13. However, for some reason over the past three weeks it became difficult to follow my training plan, culminating last week in major difficulty getting out to run, little energy while running, and even more difficulty resisting my desire to stuff my face with all things soaked in sugar and saturated fat. Of course the logical response to this weakening of the will is to just fight harder. But, who needs logic? So, I decided that I’d give in. For one week I’ve let myself indulge until I could indulge no more. I can’t say that there was much this week that I wanted that I didn’t allow myself to have, and that extends beyond the realm of food. If I thought about it, and it was within my control to attain, I did it, ate it, indulged in it. I did it all, and in excess.

So, what’s the end result of a week of perpetual indulgence? A sick stomach. Trouble sleeping. A guilty conscious. Zero energy. And a much greater appreciation for the spiritual practice of self-control. fun….

Starting Sunday I’m back on the wagon, with a 20+ mile running week, Jiu Jitsu classes on Monday and Wednesday, and a goal to limit my sugar intake drastically. Was this a good week? In some ways. It’s always refreshing to be reminded that I don’t always know what’s best for me or what the hell I’m doing, while gaining a newfound appreciation for the fact that God does. What a relief.

Sunday can’t come fast enough....

And if you get lost I'll always find you
You're all that I need your heart will keep you true
My only you

(insert witty title here)

2008-04-10T14:07:00.004-04:00

Today has been a bit awkward in that I’ve spent it down in the dumps. I’m not sure why. It’s beautiful outside, a picturesque spring afternoon, and nothing has happened to make me feel blue. Yet, I do feel a bit blue. Bahumbug!

On days like this, where I wish I were home lying in bed, staring up at the ceiling, and thinking about nothing, I also wish there were someone that I could lie in bed and stare up at the ceiling with. I don’t know why the thought of intimacy makes the down days better, but it does.

However, since I’m single again (story for another blog, and no I wasn’t dumped…gotta save face, even online), I’ll trade holding someone I love for holding onto a chocolate chip cookie. That's fair compensation, no? I think I’ve earned it. Sort of.

Ok I had cookies last night for dinner...

Prolonging the Inevitable

2008-04-07T21:38:00.005-04:00

Lots to write about, but little energy to write with. That just means that i'll have quite the doosey when I do sit down to blog something worthwhile. But, in the meantime, here's a video of the 2008 pillow fight in Union Square...you know...because it's so relevant...

Birthdays Are For Winners

2008-03-28T15:28:00.004-04:00

Today is my birthday, and as any good New Yorker would do, i'm celebrating it by leaving New York (city that is).

If anyone needs me i'll be communing with nature in the Catskills (or something...)

I'll Take The Round Peg Please

2008-03-18T18:29:00.003-04:00

"You can’t fit a square peg into a round hole"

I’ve heard that saying a million times, and I’ve often applied it to my own life. Every time I did so, I was the square peg and life as I knew it, work, church, and certain friends, were the hole. Yet, life isn’t perfect. Sometimes we have grandiose ideas of what we’d like to achieve and who we’d like to become. In mine, I was a partnered father of two with a house in Connecticut and a successful interior design firm in the city. In my grandiose ideas life is fun, and comfortable, full of creativity and passion. Now, take a look at reality, in which I’m a single guy in New York City with a pretty good career in investment banking. No present partner and no where near getting one. No kids and no where near having any. And no interior design firm and, you guessed it, no where near having one. Life is sometimes boring. I’m sometimes much more lonely than I’d like to be. Community, good and persistent community, is very hard to come by, and sometimes I don’t know why the hell I’m still here. That is my life, and although at times I wish it were different, it is what it is and it’s really not too shabby.

It can be difficult to realize that the world you created in your head when you were young isn’t the world you were meant to have, and that that life isn’t the one you were meant to live. However, focusing on that can cause one to miss out on the life and the world which exists right before ones eyes. When I was a kid I was creative and passionate about all sorts of things that seemed to have disappeared when I became an adult. Truth is that creativity and passion are still there. As a kid such things were pretty much all of me. As an adult, they’re just a part of me. I’m ok with that. That’s how it’s supposed to be.

The round hole has really been me, while the square peg has been my expectations, and i'm tired of trying to make my life conform to my expectations. I guess I’m reaching the end of my quarter-life crisis, and to it I bid adeu.

- Bryan

I'm Ready...

2008-03-14T18:06:00.004-04:00

...for the weekend...

Switch me on
Turn me up

Goldfrapp On The Brain

2008-03-12T22:05:00.002-04:00

It’s odd how much social networking sites like myspace and facebook, as well as email and text messages, have connected us in a way that when we’re not “virtually around” it’s the equivalent of having fallen off the face of the earth. I’ve been virtually MIA lately, at least that’s what I’ve heard, as I’ve found myself having infrequent communication with friends via any of these methods. Those who have experienced my distance the most, I suppose, have been those friends who live far away. I made an attempt this week to resurface by reactivating my facebook account, only to feel more content by deactivating it again.

It’s nice having so many friends who live all over the United States. Yet, sometimes I feel like something is missing, and that I expect things from those relationships that the distance makes impossible. I’ve said it before, but I feel like I invest too much in people who can never be more than a plane ride away, and too little in those who are here. Makes sense, at least for me. It’s much easier to be transparent with someone who can’t actually see and experience your transparency. But, I’m finding that email, text messages, and phone calls can only do so much. It’s the smile, the smell, the touch, the laugh, the expressions of joy, sorrow, excitement, discontentment that I need these days. It’s kinda nice to be with people who know what the face you just made really means, and that kind of knowing someone takes time…time together.

In the technological age its become so easy to equate phone calls, emails, and IM conversations to time spent together, one on one, face to face. I suppose it can be a substitute when it’s with someone you’ve already spent significant time with, like my phone conversations with a close friend from college who lives in Pennsylvania. But, right now, anything outside of that seems to fall short. Not a waste of time, just…not enough, and not satisfying.

So, I’m Goldfrapping it…

I was feeling lonely, feeling low
Feeling like I needed you
Like I hoped you'd call and hoped you'd see me

Daydreamin'

2008-03-08T11:34:00.007-05:00

It’s easy to think about day dreaming as a simple and meaningless escape, and no doubt, sometimes it really is. But, sometimes it just serves as a way to hang onto thoughts, feelings, experiences, and people, that we really need to let go of. How many times have you day dreamed about a date with that guy you like but doesn't like you, or that house you want but can't afford, or what you’d do with that bonus you probably won't get, or that car you can’t afford, or some form of intimacy with that person you can’t have? I do it all the time. Sometimes it’s meaningless, but sometimes it creates expectations that will probably never be fulfilled. Just as important, it sets up expectations of that “thing” you’re day dreaming about which that “thing” may never be able to meet.

Yesterday on the train this guy was standing next to me. He kept checking me out while trying to pretend to read his newspaper. I only knew this because, well, he was cute and tall and I was kind of checking him out too. At one point I looked at him when he was glaring at me and we both started laughing. He had such a great smile. Two seconds later it was my stop, so I got off, and that was the end of it.

What does this story have to do with daydreaming? Well, similar experiences to the above have occurred a few times in the past two weeks, and BOY has it been fun! But at some point last night between talking to a friend about how to accessorize her home (so gay) and trying to decide what my weekend plans would consist of, I realized that nothing ever materialized over the past two weeks because 1) I’m shy, and 2) none of the guys I’ve flirted with, talked to, or chilled out with were like the ones I envision in my ridiculously romantic daydreams, or as seemingly compatible with me as my friend that I had feeli…eh, we all know that story by now. No guy will meet the criteria of the one in my head, and they shouldn’t have to, but…tell that to my overly shy refuses to “date” would rather fall in love with a friend, head. Something's gotta give.

So, the moral of the story is that every time you daydream a puppy dies…

Bryan

Birthday Ideas...

2008-03-05T21:00:00.005-05:00

My passport came today, which is shocking considering that I just submitted the application last week. However, my dream of a birthday in Montreal is still out of the question since none of my friends can afford to go to Montreal with 3 weeks notice. I’ve decided that the lounge thing just isn’t in me this year. The idea of planning it is exhausting. The more I think about it, the more I want to do something outside of New York City anyway. So far I’ve considered Rockland County NY, Portland OR, Seattle WA, Las Vegas NV, even Austin TX for heavens sake (no offense to Austin as I’m sure it’s a great little town!). I’d like to include friends in whatever I do, but that puts anywhere outside of the greater NYC area out of the question. At one point I thought, “hey maybe I’ll go camping upstate!!” But that was a no go. I love the outdoors. I can be outdoors for hours upon hours and part of my looking at the places I have so far is due to the fact that they have lots to do outdoors. However, I’ve always been a firm believer that doing things outdoors is that much more fun when you can retreat to the comfort of the indoors at the end of the day. From this I will not be swayed!

As I’m thinking about it, maybe I can travel somewhere for my birthday, but do so with the intent to give back to others in some way shape or form. What better way to celebrate the life you’ve been given than to use it to bless someone else’s. I’d still be away, maybe with friends (most likely only if I travel to a GCN hotspot) and maybe that in itself would be celebration enough. Perhaps this is something to explore…

- Bryan

Intuition

2008-03-02T21:42:00.000-05:00

Happy Birth Month!

2008-03-02T08:02:00.006-05:00

On March 28th 2008 I will be...you may want to sit down for this...27!!!

Not quite sure what I’m doing yet. Of the things that I’ve considered are:

-Having a party at a lounge
-A dinner cruise around the city with a few close friends
-Packing up and leaving town for a nice long weekend.

Right now, I'm leaning towards going out of town since that's the least amount of hassle. A friend suggested I get some people together and head to Montreal since it's only an hour and a half away. I LOVED that idea! But alas, my passport hasn't arrived yet. Plus, it's a little short notice to get enough friends together to make it worth it. I could head to Southern California! But, it would do me well to experience another part of the US, preferably one I haven't visited every year since 2003.

Regardless of where I go or what I do, as I approach my birthday this month i'm just trying to remember what matters most...that I'm aging gracefully.

Cheers!
Bryan

Good Day New York

2008-03-01T11:59:00.007-05:00

As I lie in bed this morning, taking in all of the sunlight that comes in through my windows (thank God for the gift of unobstructed sky in Manhattan!), listening to the sounds of the street below, I thought about how much New York feels like home with each year that passes by. I still have my moments when I think about the cost and other sacrifices I make to live here. The amount that I pay for my tiny apartment could get me a really big house elswhere. And coming from the Pennsylvania suburbs, I know that in many ways life would be much simpler elsewhere. That is what, at times, makes staying here so difficult. Sure, I have my laundry washed and folded (which of course costs $), but that's because there's no laundry in my building and sitting at a laundromat for 3 - 4 hours when you hate doing laundry in the first place is far from appealing. I'd much rather have a washer and dryer in my apartment. Yes, we New Yorkers can take public transportation everywhere, but public transportation can be a major pain. There are many days when I wish I were driving to my destination in the privacy of my own car rather than packed like a sardine in a subway car which is sitting in the tunnel because of "train traffic ahead". Or the simple fact that it takes 35-40 minutes to get to work, when meanwhile work is less than 4 miles away.

Sacrifices are a part of life no matter where you are, and after continuously evaluating those sacrifices since moving here in 2005, I always come to the conclusion that the sacrifices I make here are well worth it. I may not call New York home forever, but i’m happy to call it home for now.

-Bryan

PS: In case you're wondering what the above picture has to do with NYC, it's actually a picture taken in Fort Tyron Park, here in Manhattan.

Giving Up - The Sequel

2008-02-26T18:44:00.001-05:00

I received excellent advice today from a friend. He said “…don't continue to let the "fantasy" of what's created in your own mind be a blindspot to what you deserve.”

He also said, “Live for today...you can't predict tomorrow.”

It’s all very simple yet profound advice.

So, I give up. That’s Ok with me. It’s a good thing.

Moments: #1 – Giving Away The Gay “Outting myself at work”

2008-02-26T08:29:00.002-05:00

A conversation yesterday with a guy friend from work

Bryan: I can’t WAIT until March 20th

Vivy: Why? Oh let me guess. It’s the first day of spring….!

Bryan: Yup!

Vivy: Oh PLEASE!

Bryan: What?!

Vivy: That is so bogus! March 20th is such an arbitrary man made number. Who says that’s the first day of spring?!?!

Bryan: Ummm….JESUS!

Vivy: (cold stare)

Bryan: Ok maybe not. But still! It’s the first official day of Spring! It may not be warm outside but everyone knows that after March 20th it soon will be. That’s why everyone looks forward to it!

Vivy: Why do we always need to look ahead to when things WILL be good, why can’t we just enjoy the here and now. Why do we need to define the seasons at all?!?!

Bryan: We have to define the seasons…

Vivy: what?! WHY?!

Bryan: Dude! We HAVE To. What would the fashion industry do without defined seasons!?!?!

Bryan: What….are we gonna say “Oh look it’s the getting slightly cooler and the leaves are changing colors 2008 collection” Or let me guess “It’s the look the weather is becoming nice and temperate while the flowers are starting to grow 2008 collection”

Bryan: That’s RIDICULOUS!

Vivy: (silence)

Bryan: …........

Bryan: ....what?

Giving Up?

2008-02-24T22:15:00.005-05:00

I’ve had this question floating around in my mind for the last few days, although it didn’t actually become a question that I could verbalize until a minute ago. The question is, when do you give up? It could be giving up on a person, on a situation, a job, a love, a dream. When do you finally say “…enough is enough. I give up”? I mean, I know we’re always told from the time we’re wee babes that giving up is not an option, that it’s a cop out. But, sometimes giving up is the right thing to do. Sometimes it’s the only thing to do.

Do you give up on that person, situation, job, love, dream even when your gut tells you, contrary to your experience, that what you want is attainable? Our guts aren’t always right, at least mine isn’t. Sometimes following your gut only makes things worse. So, when your gut says give it time, do you listen?

I’m very black and white. I like to fully understand how I feel and what I think, and then decide on a course of action. It’s my being black and white that makes me want to say “I give up” or “I won’t give up”, and not knowing which position to take makes me quite frustrated. There are things that I want to give up, things that seem like lost causes, but my gut says “don’t”. Shut up gut!

Maybe “gut” and “hope” are one in the same? Both can lead us to tremendous joy, or tremendous sorrow. The tricky part is deciding which outcome is worth the risk.

- Bryan

No hidden meaning...

2008-02-24T20:13:00.003-05:00

...just good music.

I'm crying everyone's tears
I have already paid for all my future sins
There's nothing anyone
Can say to take this away
It's just another day and nothing's any good

Began an end today
Gave and got given
You made a friend today
Kindred soul cracked spirit

Here's to Love

2008-02-21T21:46:00.002-05:00

I should be pretty down today. The day was full of hearing things I didn’t want to hear, preparing to face things I really didn’t want to face, being presented with decisions that I’m really not ready to make (nor know how to), and to top it all off I did something really stupid…surprise surprise. Part of me wants to crawl into bed and stay there until someone comes and drags me out. Yet, I’m feeling pretty good right now. That could be the cookies I just ate, but…actually yeah, it’s probably the cookies I just ate. But in all seriousness, it’s cool when you can love someone enough to say "even if it’s not with me, the thought of you being happy makes me incredibly happy". That’s what I experienced tonight for the first time, and it’s put such a smile on my face.

So, although it’s a tad bit late for Valentines day, here’s to love in its many forms. Love may not always come the way we want it, but that doesn’t mean it’s unrequited.

- Bryan

Über Gay, Über Emo, And ÜBER Cute

2008-02-20T11:54:00.002-05:00

The Necessity of Disappointment

2008-02-19T21:05:00.008-05:00

For some reason I’ve found myself blogging like a mofo over the past few days/weeks. It really has been an outlet for many things, though I imagine that once the Spring kicks in I’ll have much less to say on here and far more to say and do “out there”. In my defense I have had a lot going on. Work has been a bit nuts with all of us wondering who will get the boot and when once new management takes over. I also find myself with more commitments through out the city over the next few weeks than I care to be a part of.

I just find myself annoyed tonight, and it’s mostly with a friend. I just need to chill out I’m sure. People are people, and sometimes people disappoint us in incredible ways. He’s an awesome guy, and a good friend. I guess I just expected him to realize how important something was to me, and he hasn’t. It seems like yet another example of why I shouldn’t put so much faith in people, friends included.

Maybe beneath the irritation is hurt? I don’t know. I can’t really tell the difference.

Peace,
Bryan

What I do when I can't sleep...

2008-02-18T23:47:00.002-05:00

...I write...

Live to love the piece of me that throws away the mystery of you.
Search and find the heart of me that grows and casts its net so close to yours

Love to live the deep regret that seems to swarm around this thread that binds us
Life, to love, to live, to leave the joy of which misery fails to remind us

Still, the life that love will not forget has bound us tighter, closer
I in you, and you in me, where grace abounds and stifles all life’s fury

Live to love the piece of me that welcomes home the mystery of you

(Insert Uber Gay and Uncreative Title Here)

2008-02-18T07:52:00.009-05:00

So i'm not going back to New York City with a brand new house townhouse in the amish country.

BUT I AM GOING BACK WITH MY CAR!!!!!

Isn't she lovely!? That was a rhetorical question by the way. I don't want you PT Cruiser haters downing my high.

I loved not having to drive when I first moved to NYC. I still love not HAVING to drive. But I also miss the freedom of having a car, and feeling like more is available to me than where I can get to in a crowded subway car or Amtrak train. I have friends who vouch for how different life is with a car in Manhattan. One says it completely changed her outlook on life in Manhattan when she and her husband got their car. It's not quite that drastic for me, but i'm very excited nonetheless. I'm picturing many spring and summer evenings spent on the banks of the Long Island Sound in Westchester, NY and Connecticut. Let the good times roll!*

- Bryan

* I can't believe I wrote that... Who under the age of 53 says "let the good times roll"?! What a dork.

Sunday Morning Reflections

2008-02-17T09:42:00.005-05:00

I woke up this Sunday morning, my brain flooded by a number of thoughts. Thoughts like:

- I wonder when everyone will leave for church and I’ll have the house all to myself for a few hours

- I can’t believe how in love I’ve fallen with that townhouse my mom and I visited yesterday (a ploy on her part to get me to move back to Pennsylvania)

- I wonder if “he” has gotten the letter, and what he’s feeling/thinking

- Why is it that as much as I love New York City, I often find it difficult to leave Pennsylvania and go back home.

Yesterday, after my mom took me to visit a sample of some new townhouses that are being built about 20 minutes from their house, we went to lunch. Well, correction, I went to lunch and managed to sucker her into sitting with me while I ate. Hey, she got a free dessert out of it. During lunch she said “I know you would never move back here” to which I ferociously nodded my head in agreement. But, after I sat thinking about how comfortable Pennsylvania has become for me, about how all my assumptions and hang-ups about Pennsylvania have mostly gone out of the window, and about how great the cost of living is, I looked at her and said “well, I wouldn’t say that I’d NEVER move back to Pennsylvania”. The truth is, I probably would move back to Pennsylvania. I’ve been surprised at how many “gay friendly” churches there are, even in the midst of amish country, by the diversity of people that live there (it seems even more diverse than it did when I was a kid), and the cheap cost of living (the beautiful, brand new, 1600 square foot, 3 floor town house I saw was priced at $195,000, while the average price of a not so big apartment in Manhattan last year was $1.4 million.).

However, the idea of moving back to PA at 26 feels like a death sentence. What would I do in Pennsylvania? How would I ever meet someone there? Yet, I’ve heard it said a million times, and I’ve said it myself, that NYC is not the place to meet someone if you’re looking for something significant. You’d have better luck in the backwoods of Alabama.

Deep down I know that the next move, especially if it’s to Pennsylvania, is it. I’m just not sure if I’m ready for my next move to be “it”, mostly because of the not having found someone bit. But, I am ready to settle down, quite ready, and I’m realizing that I can settle down without having found someone. Life goes on, whether coupled or single.

- Bryan

PS: The above picture is from the shore of the Deleware River here in PA. This really is a beautiful state.

Desiderata

2008-02-15T22:20:00.007-05:00

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy. - From "Desiderata"

It’s always nice to get away from the city for a nice long weekend. It’s nice to remember, after a series of long winter months spent in Manhattan, that there is life off of the island. That life is different. It’s slower. I take it in much more easily, and much quicker than I would were it all a part of my regular routine. And while I still love the city, the peace and the quiet of the country serves as a reminder that, with all its sham, dudgery, and broken dreams, it really is still a beautiful world. I’m happy…

- Bryan

It Is Finished

2008-02-11T10:26:00.000-05:00

So, I sent a bunch of Valentines day cards out to a lot of single friends yesterday. I also sent one to “him”. Let’s just say the deed has been done, although the effect will be delayed a bit. I could breathe before, but I guess I breathe just a bit easier today.

I just finished listening to “Dirty Little Secret” by Sarah McLachlin, in which the chorus says:

Cause I've relied on my illusions
To keep me warm at night
But I denied in my capacity to love
I am willing, to give up this fight”

I gave up the fight. I can move on, and since I’ve held my blog captive to my “love” ramblings…it can move on as well.

- Bryan

Sleepover Therapy

2008-02-09T19:00:00.000-05:00

So I just finished a sleepover here in my apartment. I know, so junior high circa 1995. My best friend Anita was here, and we talked about anything and everything, as always, including, love, life, and the pursuit of happiness. She asked me a lot of questions about why I want to tell “him” how I feel. I had all the right answers, not really. She had some excellent advice and posed a few really good questions.

“Why can’t you just let it go and move on?” she asked.

“You know he doesn’t even feel the same way” she said.

“Anyway, if he did feel the same way, why doesn’t HE say something? Why is it always up to you?” she asked.

I’m thinking about these questions, and I’m wondering, why should I bother? What difference will it really make? Why risk a perfectly good friendship with a spectacular guy? And given how straight forward I’ve been in the past, why is it up to me to say something?

She’s gone home now, and after talking it out, I’m left, ONCE AGAIN, wondering if I should just move on in silence, keeping all of this to myself. If I had the slightest glimmer of hope, a tiny fraction of something, anything, that made me think that telling him could be worth it, I’d jump on it. But, the romantic piece of a person’s soul is difficult to reach when you’re friends. I mean…PFFFTT…you haven’t been romanced until you’ve been romanced by BLW. *eh hem* ok that was a bit much…sorry. But, maybe Anita is right. What do I have to gain? More importantly, why is this occupying so much of my time this week!

In other news…

I’M GOING TO SCANDINAVIA!!!!

Details to follow…

Bryan

Ready? Not really...

2008-02-06T06:47:00.000-05:00

Last night a friend said, “Life can be very painful sometimes, but I don't think that avoiding happiness because it might bring about pain is the way to go. Without taking risks, life can be excruciatingly dull.”

The moment I read this I realized what’s been bothering me for the past week. I realized why I’ve made my home down in the dumps, which is certainly not like me. I realized that I need to say something. See earlier post for frame of reference.

I don’t need to say something to him because I think it will be reciprocated. I’ve already stated my thoughts on his feelings. I need to say something because in this situation, something in me is just not OK unless I say what’s on my mind and in my heart. Previously, I decided to swallow my own feelings because it just seemed pointless to do otherwise, but to my surprise, my heart is not complying. When did it become so bold?

I think I know how I’m going to do it, how i'm going to "say something", and It’s not going to be through a traditional phone call or uncomfortably long email. And no, I’m not going to write a sonnet, or sing a song, or send a box of chocolates. I’m going to do something I rarely do. Something that we all rarely do these days…

I risk making things really awkward between us. But, like my friend said “without taking risks, life can be excruciatingly dull.”

Am I ready? Nope.

Do I think this is the right thing to do? Yeah. I do.

...*sigh*...Lord help us all!

Salvation, Vulnerability, and Clothes, Oh My!

2008-02-03T19:59:00.000-05:00

This is a photo by Duane Michals called "Salvation". Duane does a significant amount of photography featuring the male form, and, well...gay men.

Thought provoking...

On Vulnerability

How Vulnerable should one be? I suppose it depends on who you’re being vulnerable to. I find that I’m more vulnerable with certain friends than others. It feels a bit odd honestly. Tonight I shared with two friends (separate conversations) about the fact that I was freaking out about all the responsibilities I’ve taken on lately. I’ve been trying to be more transparent for a while now, but I must admit that opening up, even to friends, is still awkward. Yet, I know that I WANT to open up, otherwise I wouldn’t make it known that there’s something I need to open up about in the first place. That being said, I think, for right or wrong, there’s a certain level of vulnerability that I’ve only expected to reach in a romantic relationship. Yet, I’ve gotten dangerously close, not to a good relationship (le sigh) but to that level of vulnerability, and afterwards I’ve thought to myself “isn’t that something that I was only supposed to share with the person I fall in love with?”. I know…Bryan you foolish idealist you!

But really, if I share my heart and soul with someone who doesn’t long to share their heart and soul with me, what is left to share with someone who does want to share their heart and soul with me, and I don’t mean in a platonic way. Fortunately, I trust those that I’ve shared a great deal with enough to forcefully let go of the apprehension (and ideals…to some extent) and the friend that I’ve probably shared the most with I trust a great deal, which when I think about it, often makes me laugh as he’s several years younger, yet abnormally wise for his age.

Umm…yeah, I guess that’s that. I’m still waiting for someone with whom all of the guards can come down. I've had people, usually people I like, with whom i've desired to reach that level, but...i wouldn't let myself...seemed pointless.

In other news…

IT’S FASHION WEEK!

Lord prepare me for the material goodness that my eyes will behold.

For those who love clothes but don’t live in NYC…i’m sorry… I’ll try to take good pictures...

- Bryan

Matters of the Heart Part Deux. And some other stuff

2008-02-01T08:05:00.000-05:00

I've continued thinking about some of the questions I raised in my last post. I've also been thinking about the saying "nothing ventured, nothing gained" as posed by David. This morning, after shooting an email to a friend about a trip to Europe i'm hoping to make this summer, I thought about all of this some more, and i've come to the conclusion that I'm not going to tell my friend (the one that I have some romantic interest in) how I feel. I just don't see the point. Yes, I know, "nothing ventured, nothing gained". But likewise, nothing ventured nothing lost, and considering that I'm pretty sure I already know how he feels, expressing my own feelings just seems like a pointless, awkward, and risky excercise. I don't see that there's anything TO gain. So, i'm going to keep silent. I'm bound to get over it one of these days, right?

Enough drama. I came across the site that hosts the below pictures via Jeoff's blog. I found a few of them quite funny so i'm posting them here. Laughter is, after all, the best medicine.

HA! Kids are great.

- Bryan

Matters of the Heart

2008-01-30T12:19:00.000-05:00

When do you tell someone that you like them?

What level of emotion (or “like” if you will) warrants telling someone how you feel?

If that person is a friend, and you’re fairly positive that the feeling isn’t mutual, do you still say something? If so, why? What good will it do?

If that person is a friend, and you’re not sure if the feeling is mutual, how much “in like” makes telling them how you feel, worth it?

With Valentines Day fast approaching, I’ve been thinking about these questions. There are two people in my life, both friends, and I can’t quite figure out what I feel towards them. The one I probably do have some level of romantic feelings for, while the other is just a wonderful friend. One of them I’m positive has no feelings for me, while it’s quite possible that the other may. As life would have it, of course the one I may have feelings for is not into me. Yet, at times I find myself wanting to be honest about how I feel, which seems completely pointless and futile given the circumstances. I mean, no, I’m not in love. At the most I’m “in like”. I don’t think about him every hour of every day, and I have always been, and hopefully still am, Ok with the idea of him seeing other people. So, technically I should be fine without saying a word. Yet, there are still moments, although few and random, when I do feel like blurting out “Unfortunately, I think I like you!”. Although, I suppose beginning with “unfortunately” probably wouldn’t go over so well. In the end, I doubt I’ll say a word. I’m not on his romantic radar, which I’ve accepted, but have found it odd that accepting that doesn’t make me care any less.

I do wonder about the other friend. I think he’s attractive. He’s funny. We have a good bit in common, and we get along well. Why DON’T I have feelings for him? I’m not convinced that we’re (meaning human beings) always the best at knowing who is best for us. I’m not convinced that the people we like are really the people that we should have something with, and I’m not convinced that sometimes the people we don’t like aren’t people worth pursuing something with. I don’t think what we’re attracted to is as innate as we give it credit. I think a good bit of it is formed through experience. Having many friends of Indian descent whose parents’ marriage was arranged, I’ve seen this first hand. I remember one of my friends telling me a story about how her mother and father did not see one another until their wedding day, and how when they were married her mother wept for days because her new husband was so much darker than she had hoped he’d be. They didn’t get along too well at first, and I think it was at least 2 years before they even consummated their marriage. But, today, they’re still together and quite happy.

All of this leaves me thinking, not just about my own dilemma, but just about romance in general. How much of who we pursue is automatic, and how much is based on choice?

Last Man Standing

2008-01-29T23:25:00.001-05:00

When I moved to NYC 3 years ago I made several friends. Some had been here for a few years more than I, some had only been here a few months longer than I, some arrived at exactly the same time. In the 3 years that i've lived here I slowly watched as new people came into my life, and those old friends, my first "New York City friends", left the city to pursue "life" elsewhere. Well, the last of that crew is finally leaving. She's moving to Ghana for her job in International Affairs. This means that I am, officially, the last man standing.

It's so odd to me to be in this position, because I can remember sitting on my friend Amy's apartment floor, with her, Debbie, Robin and I laughing at people on the Oscars and talking about how ready I was to leave New York City. Now, here I am with all of them gone, along with the rest of my original NYC friends. It does leave me a bit nostalgic. I think back to my first few months here in New York, and I really can't believe that i'm still here. But, in a good way.

Fortunately, I have many other friends and am always accepting applications for new ones. In that respect I suppose i'm not truly the last man standing, as that implies that i'm standing alone. I do kind of feel like I should get a prize.

Maybe i'll give Bloomberg a call.

With age comes wisdom, and with wisdom comes...some other stuff i'm not so sure I want to see...

2008-01-19T20:25:00.000-05:00

The changes that occur as I get older are sometimes scary. I’ve found that said changes are rarely gradual, and to me, quite obvious. At some point over the past two years I officially became a New Yorker. Or, shall I say, I officially accepted the fact that I’m a New Yorker (there’s a rather big difference between those two statements). I’ve either become, or realized that I always was, someone who becomes self-absorbed as a means of dealing with those things/situations/issues with which I’m uncomfortable. At times I place too much value on what I have, too much confidence in having a life that seems so well put together, and take refuge in things that are and always will be fleeting. All of these realizations have come in the past year or so. Who knew that there was so much truth to becoming older and wiser? But in the midst of all of this there seems to be so much work left to do. Being only 26, I look at the life that sits before me (hopefully a very long and prosperous one) and I think to myself, at 26, am I too old to change? Have I become so set in my ways that even my own desires to improve upon my imperfections is a task to great? I’ll never know if I don’t try I suppose. I believe that humility is almost always just a decision away, and in the end, isn’t that at the root of so many of the issues I’ve expressed?

Another thing that I’ve begun to realize as I’ve gotten older, perhaps the most discomforting thing, is how much I desire companionship. Why so scary? I suppose because I’ve taken great pride in being independent. I’ve had no qualms about living away from and outside of my comfort zone ever since I was 17. I’ve always boasted about my love for a life lived in solitude, and I’ve always been comforted by my own assertion that in the end I don’t need anyone, friend or otherwise. Yet, as of late, I’ve begun to realize that I’m not immune to the need for companionship, as several of my posts in the last 6 months have alluded to. For a long time I’ve blamed my discontent with solitude and singleness on having few friends here in New York City, on New York City itself, on poor church community, work, lack of hobbies, and many other elusive yet ominous circumstances. But now, here I sit with an ever expanding circle of friends, with a calendar already full of get togethers, parties, and events between now and the end of March, with a career in which doors continue to open, with not just one but TWO awesome churches, and with a magnificent balance through it all. And still I find, in the quiet, that a piece of me remains unsettled, and that piece desires to share the silence with another. .

Now, I’m not depressed. I’ve got it good and I’m rather happy and content. These thoughts don’t regularly cross my mind. But, tonight they did, and I wonder how much time will pass before they cross my mind more regularly, before a wish becomes an ache. Maybe that will never happen. Hopefully not! If it does, I’m marrying one of my friends. I’m not sure which one (although I have my ideas), and it may be against his will but ...oh well. Whoever he is, he could do SO much worse!

My Distance and the Distant

2008-01-15T14:09:00.000-05:00

I have friends all over the world. It’s pretty cool. But, there are seasons when those relationships just don’t do. Those friends, as dear to me as they are, can’t look into my eyes and see when I’m laughing to hold back the tears. Nor can they know the reasons behind the quiver in my voice.

Today, the distance is obvious, and it leaves me wondering if I’ve invested too much in people who will never be a part of my life here, and too little in those who could be, and are.

I’m feeling the need to take a few steps back today. Maybe I’ll feel differently tomorrow. Maybe not…

On the Way Home

2008-01-13T22:28:00.000-05:00

Took this while walking home tonight.

It was cold.

It was quiet.

It was nice.

Follow up to "The Goofball Within" - Not So Goofy Afterall

2008-01-11T20:57:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking a lot about my earlier post "The Goofball Within". Well, actually I haven't been thinking about it all that much. But, there have definitely been moments where the questions that I asked in that post have come to mind, and I think I’ve finally arrived at an answer. Simply put …I don’t give a crap!

Hmmm… “I don’t give a crap” ...there’s that Georgetown education at work YET again!

Anyway, poor grammar aside, my point is that i'm completely, perfectly, and unabashedly content with the person that I am...goofball or no goofball. I make no excuses for that. Inauthenticity really isn’t an option for me. I just don’t have that kind of will power. So, I will continue with my inappropriate jokes and dry sarcasm, and my inappropriate photos with the Charging Bull were probably not my last. Viva la Goofballs!

Cheers!

Going back to school...

2007-12-30T14:20:00.000-05:00

...for interior design.

I'm extremely exctied. I'm also extremely nervous! There's so much to figure out and i'm trusting that things will work out as they should. I've reached this point many times in the past. It's no secret that my heart is in the design world, and in the past such careers have always been top on the list of things I should be doing, while the things I am doing have always been in the middle or at the very bottom. Yet, fear of the substantial loss of income and the logistics of how my path to my dream would take place kept me from moving forward. I woke up the other morning and finally said "enough is enough". I can spend the rest of my life waking up and dreading the day that lies ahead just because the paycheck is good, or I can take a risk and follow my heart, perhaps into poverty? Oh well, i'm going to follow my heart.

The Goofball Within

2007-12-24T21:22:00.000-05:00

I’m an intelligent, caring, successful businessman, who also happens to be a total… goofball. *sigh*

This is something that makes me laugh and that makes me feel awkward at the same time. It makes me laugh because, well…I do some of the silliest, craziest, most nonsensical things! I love to laugh and I love being around people who also love to laugh. One of the greatest feelings is busting a gut with someone you care about. However, while many women find a humorous guy attractive (particularly when he also has a brain) I don’t know that most gay guys do. It goes back to my idea that many men are influenced, foremost, by appearance and perception, whereas women tend to be, foremost, influenced by emotions. It’s almost as if to say that many women are initially influenced by what’s happening in their heart, whereas men tend to be influenced by what’s happening in their groins. Ok that’s harsh…but I’m not quite ready to say that it’s untrue. Some have tried to convince me otherwise, but I have yet to hear a compelling argument.

So, what’s a goofball to do? I could easily assume the role of the sophisticated New Yorker. I have to do it often because of my line of work and some of the circles I travel in, although I’m naturally more laid back. I could hold back my laughter. I could refrain from wise cracks and dry sarcasm. I could only speak when I have something highly intelligent and unamusing to say. I’d certainly feel more mature, I suppose. And, perhaps, I’d meet someone who would see me as more than just a really cool friend.

Hmmm…I’m not sure what I think on this matter. I’m not sure what I’d be sacrificing, or gaining, in the end. What is the difference between bettering oneself, and becoming someone you were never meant to be? What is and isn't necessary, and where is the line?

Typical Day

2007-12-17T21:04:00.000-05:00

I never realize how fast this city is until I see things like this. It's hard to believe, but there's actually peace in the chaos.

...and here's a bit of that peace (not taken by me, but it's my neighborhood)

Twenty Something

2007-12-08T18:52:00.000-05:00

A few weeks ago I made a comment to a friend in which I referenced people in their early 20’s. I unconsciously did so in a way that implied that I fit into that category, only to have my friend point out that I’m no longer in my early 20’s. “Wow. I’m no longer in my early 20’s” I thought to myself afterwards. When the heck did that happen?! When did I enter this new and final phase of young adulthood, and why didn’t I realize it? Regardless, I must accept the truth that I’m getting older. Doing so isn’t that difficult because to be honest, it’s great!

I’ve reached a point where I know who I am, not completely, but much more than I did at 21. I have enough of a sense of what I want to know how to follow in its general direction. Much more of what I do is because I want to do it, and much less is driven by the expectations of others. I’m much less interested in being someone else’s ideal person, and much more interested in being the best me that I can be. I'm much more capable of accepting those things that I cannot change, and much more interested in working on those things that I can. More and more, I am who I am because it’s who I want to be.

As I sit in my own apartment with rent I can actually afford, in the city I’ve wanted to be in since I was 7, with a job I never thought I’d have, in a company I wanted to work for since I was 21, with more friends and family than I ever thought i'd have, I’m thankful to say that none of the "good me” was lost in the process. Now, I no longer miss who I was at 21, but instead, am pretty proud of who I am at 26.

- Bryan

Life...Together

2007-11-23T14:43:00.000-05:00

My nana passed away about a week ago. She was 97. We held her funeral on Monday. My pop-pop, her husband, died in 2003. When he died they had been married for 75 years. 75 years! This fact, in combination with watching my parents over the past week, has left me thinking about what it means to spend the rest of my life with someone.

I now understand why it’s so important that the person you spend your life with be more than just a lover, but a friend, a friend that either is or can become your best friend. There is far more to a marriage than sex, but somehow sex is often what so many of us single people think about when we think about a lifelong commitment, at least those of us who have decided to wait. Yet, sex is just one component of what makes a loving relationship a success. I imagine that when physical beauty has faded, there should be an inner beauty which never fades, an attraction based on what’s inside that grows stronger with the passing of time. I know for a fact that my grandparents didn’t have sex for the last 19 years of their marriage. Yet, they loved deeply. My parents on the other hand, are hornballs. They’re also best friends, who love deeply.

So, what would it be like to spend the rest of my life with one person? No children. No pets. Just the two of us. Sitting with company or in silence. Enjoying one another and at times, our loved ones. Cooking together. Laughing together. At times annoyed with one another. Attending church together. Running together. Hiking together. Watching the sun rise and set, together. Two hearts joined together, whether physically together or apart. What would that be like?

- Bryan

Thanksgiving Week Reflections

2007-11-18T21:18:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I catch a glimpse of something I want as part of my future. It’s usually short-lived, being just long enough to realize how wonderful it would be to have, but not long enough to know whether it’s meant for me, or good for me. It comes suddenly, perhaps through a comment from a friend, the smile of a child, a gust of wind, a warm embrace, or a ray of sunlight peeking through my window in the early morning hours. The experience is both beautiful and uncomfortable at the same time.

This post comes on the tail end of a conversation with a friend today in which we both shared some of the desires and complexities of our hearts. I guess there are some friends who just give us clarity, friends who inadvertently allow us to learn more about ourselves, who we are, what we want, and what we have to be thankful for. I have a few like that, and I’m grateful. Today’s conversation, though brief, was good for me. My friend already knows the affinity I have for him (yes, friends CAN have that *rolls eyes* ), and that parts of who he is are reflective of the traits I hope to find in my future “husbpartnerspouse”. In that respect it’s always cool to chat with him and be reminded that likeminded gay guys do exist. More importantly though, today I was reminded that of all the glimpses I’ve caught, I’ve seen enough of them realized to be OK were I to never see another. I have much to be thankful for.

It’s comforting to know that some things are just out of my control, including who I’ll be or what things and people will shape my world in the years to come. I guess I’m content without all of the answers. I guess I’m ok not knowing when this season will end, and what the next one will bring. I’m really ok.

I guess you would have to have known me for the better part of the past 26 years to know why “I’m ok” means more than the words themselves can possibly express.

Happy Thanksgiving!

-Bryan

“Even if my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me…. I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.” From Psalm 27 - A Psalm of David. :)

Where's my Swear Jar

2007-11-14T07:55:00.000-05:00

So, it's back to work for me today. After a weekend in the Catskills and two lovely days outside of the office, it's time to return. There's something about returning to work in the bitter cold that just makes returning to work that much more difficult. It also makes it really difficult for me to get my butt out of bed and go for a run. I hate running in the cold.

Anyhow, I chatted on the phone with my friend David last night for a few hours. Somehow we got onto the topic of weather, at which point he said "I can understand why someone would live where it's always hot, or why someone would live where it's always cold, but I don't understand you New York people who live where it's so hot in the summer and so cold in the winter." I woke up this AM with that thoughts on my mind, and I think I finally have an answer!

We forget!

Yup. Somehow. Someway. We forget. When the spring hits and those flowers start to bloom, when those birds start to sing, and that sun starts to shine for more hours in the day...we forget ALL about the winter, the cold, the snow. The promises we made ourselves during those coldest moments to move to some sunny tropical place? Yeah, we forget them too. Yup. That's it.....

Anyway, the below is a Youtube video that seems appropriate for my return to the office today. *sigh*

Enjoy!

A Retreat to the Mountains

2007-11-11T20:34:00.000-05:00

So, I was fortunate enough to go to the Catskills this weekend for a retreat. And it was truly a retreat. Good scenery, great company, and good food have a way of making things better, not that things were bad to begin with.

I could write forever on all that I experienced and learned this weekend. But since I don't much feel like writing forever, I decided to just throw a Sarah Groves song in instead. I'm that lazy...

New England's is a beautiful place...

Checkmate...follow up

2007-10-31T21:00:00.000-04:00

So, I decided to email my mom after I made my last post, telling her what I thought and how I felt. It was a great idea. We had some back and forth, and in the end I realized that I need to kind of lead the way in this whole process. It's not that my parents don't have questions to ask, nor is it that they don't want to discuss this whole thing. It's just that they don't know what to ask or how to go about it. I suppose that's where I come in, opening up a bit more and sharing the pieces of my life that i've long kept hidden. I guess we were all waiting. I was waiting for them to ask, and they were waiting for me to tell.

ENOUGH DRAMA...

I'm in love folks......with this coat from Burberry!

Yet, I just cannot bring myself to spend almost $2,000 on a coat!!!

I'm lying. What I really mean is that I can't bring myself to spend that much on a coat right now, at this point in my life. Yet, the tempation is great. It is so great that I had to get a second opinion. So, I asked my friend and co-worker Viv what his thoughts were. Below is our brief yet pointed IM conversation yesterday.

04:11PM bry: random question. would you spend $2000 on a coat?
04:12PM vpat: not unless that coat had wheels, a couple of doors, and 150 hp
04:12PM bry: LOL
04:13PM vpat: why?
04:13PM bry: uhh....no reason.

- Bryan

Checkmate

2007-10-29T19:14:00.000-04:00

So I’ve been thinking about my family for a bit now. Specifically, i've been thinking about m y parents. I’m a little disappointed at the fact that after having come out to my parents some months ago, not a word has been said about any of it. We kind of carry on like everything is still the same. In some ways that’s good, but in other ways it doesn’t seem to be so good. More than caring about where they stand on the whole gay topic, I’m concerned that they’re not dealing. And somehow their not dealing feels incredibly unfair to me. I feel like I’m being asked to pretend just because they’d like to pretend, and anyone who knows me knows that I’m just not one for pretending.

I’ve been feeling this way for some time now, but perhaps a forward I got from my Dad made it feel that much more intense. It was some dumb forward about “Man Rules”. It had to do with rules men should follow in dealing with women, wives, etc. I didn’t read it at any length because I didn’t want to read anything that I found offensive. I can’t stand anything that widdles what it means to be a man down to a series of actions. More importantly, I didn’t want to see anything offensive because I knew it would cause me to become irritated with my father for sending it to me in the first place. Yet, I’m irritated anyway. Why would he send me something so stupid? Ok…that’s probably a stupid statement in itself. Plenty of people send stupid forwards. A better question is, why would he send me something that he knows doesn’t relate to my life or who I am in any way shape or form? I wouldn’t send him a forward about “Man Rules for Gay Men”, so why, after all we spoke about several months ago, would he send me something like this?! I know that I’m perhaps being too hard on him. I suppose that seeing me as his straight son is just natural. But my concern, my disappointment, my hurt (to be quite honest), is in the fact that neither he nor my mom seem to be making any attempt to see me as anything else.

When I came out I heard a lot of loving, positive things from them. I was expecting to be disowned. But although what I heard was wonderful to my own ears, I sit here now feeling more confused and awkward than I did before I even came out, and that doesn’t seem fair. I mean, do they think I’m sitting around just waiting for them to come to grips with it all before I move on with the rest of my life? It’s like they heard that I’m gay, but failed to process what that really means. In some ways, I’m trying to prepare them. I don’t want them to be shocked if and when I start dating, if and when it gets serious, and if and when I pursue a family of my own. Yet, I cannot prepare them any more than I have tried to. They don’t want to be prepared.

I’ve spent my whole life trying to be who everyone expected me to be. I’ve spent my life thinking about my family, and evaluating everything in light of how it would effect them. I’m tired of it. I came out to them so that I could dialogue with them about who I am, to give them the opportunity to be fully included in my life. While they didn’t reject that opportunity, they haven’t accepted it either. Instead, they’ve just tried to forget about it.

My mom told me, when I first came out to her, that the whole situation would help me to see just how much my family really loved me. Well, I’m still waiting. And the ball’s in their court, because I’m done.

- Bryan

I'll say it...

2007-10-21T21:01:00.000-04:00

...through music. And no...it's not what you think. Not completely anyway. ;-)

In the deepest ocean
The bottom of the sea
Your eyes
They turn me
Why should I stay here?
Why should I stay?
I'd be crazy not to follow
Follow where you lead
Your eyes
They turn me
Turn me on to phantoms
I follow to the edge of the earth
And fall off
Everybody leaves
If they get the chance
And this is my chance
I get eaten by the worms
Weird fishes
Picked over by the worms
Weird fishes
Weird fishes
Weird fishes
I'll hit the bottom
Hit the bottom and escape
Escape
I'll hit the bottom
Hit the bottom and escape
Escape

Leaving New York

2007-10-15T22:16:00.000-04:00

I’m going to let you in on a little secret, something that many of us non-native New Yorkers, the ones who have stuck around anyway, know and experience, but rarely tell anyone less we loose our street cred. The secret is….sometimes we don’t want to live here anymore. Sometimes, the Big Apple tastes a little rotten and we feel like tossing it in into the trash can and grabbing a plum instead.

Yesterday was a beautiful day and I was able to spend a few hours of it hanging in Central Park with my friend AMC. This was all before we had to put on our Harry Potter gear and rush off to spend a few hours hanging out with some 5th and 6th graders for our church’s Harry Potter night (which was CRAZY amounts of fun by the way!). AMC and I had a good conversation spanning lots of topics, including our feelings about New York, and it was nice to hear someone else say that in spite of their love for New York, they too have times when they just feel like they’re done with it all. At least I know I’m not totally mental…key word being “totally”…

I guess there are just days when I miss what used to be “normal”. There are times when I wish that getting off of this 22 square mile island to do something as simple as go to Target or visit my parents, wasn’t such an ordeal. As it stands, renting a car or purchasing a train ticket is needed to do both, which also requires money and planning and sometimes isn’t even feasible. There are times when I’d love to wake up to a field of grass and chirping birds, instead of honking horns and rowdy pedestrians. There are days when I’d so much rather get in a car, by myself, and head to work, than stand in a crowded subway car only to plow my way through gaggles of tourists when I get above ground. There are days when I don’t feel like being a tough New Yorker, when I’d rather smile at the random people I encounter and receive a smile in return, as opposed to a grimace or most often, no eye contact in the first place. And there are times when I wish for more permanence, as many people my age don’t see this city as a place to call home, but more a place to make their mark, have some fun, and then move on to a place that they can call home. I suppose I thought that all of this was just some form of S.A.D as I mostly feel this way in the Fall and Winter. While I’m sure that the S.A.D thing is partially true, I also know from other non-natives that these feelings are common.

Then again, some of my “beef” is really rooted in my age and place in life. I’ve seen a difference among those who are a bit older and a bit more established; those who can afford to have a car here in the city and the small fortune it costs to garage it, and who can afford to get away whenever the need arises, even if it’s just upstate for a few weekends in a row. Fortunately, I’m on my way to being able to do such things, it’s just a matter of when and is it worth it.

All of this being said, I spent last night with a bunch of kids who have known no other home than New York City. As they rushed off at the end of the night, one by one, saying goodbye and “see ya next Sunday”, I had a strong desire to see these kids grow up. I also couldn’t help but think about what it would be like to raise my children in a city like New York, and to be honest, something about it just felt right.

As I’ve said before, home is where the heart is, and although we may have our differences, for now, my heart is here…in New York.

-Bryan

The Fear of Authenticity and Answered Prayers

2007-10-07T00:36:00.000-04:00

Anyone who knows me will tell you that I tend to have odd reactions to my emotions. For example, I once responded to a friend, after her heart felt “I love you, Bryan”, by telling her to shut up. Sorry C! I just don’t respond well to vulnerability, and I know that the cause is perhaps a lack of humility. I want others to see me the way that I would like to see myself. I want to be strong at all times. I want to be aware at all times. I never want to be caught off guard and I don’t want to let my emotional guard down. Yet, I have the sense enough to know that that’s plain stupid, and such thinking does more damage than it does good. Also, people almost always see the things we try to hide. We inevitably trip while trying not to look clumsy. We have a nervous break down while trying to appear well put together. Our confusion shows through when trying to look overly confident and self-assured. All of this behavior begs the ultimate question, what's the point?

I’m in a situation where I’m resisting something that I actually prayed for. I’m resisting it because I see things happening that I’m not sure what to do with. I don’t know what to make of what’s unfolding, and I’m frustrated because I have no control. I fear that I’m crazy. I fear that I’m misguided. I fear that maybe I’m neither crazy nor misguided, but that there’s really something to this. Yet, through it all, I pretend as though I’m not fearful at all, never uttering a word.

There seems a lesson to be learned here, and although I’m not always the best student, He’s always the best teacher, and he’s always teaching me something.

-Bryan

Nostalgia in the fall...Concerning the UFO Sighting Near Highland Illinois

2007-10-03T20:24:00.000-04:00

This song always reminds me of the fall of 2006. It's "Concerning the UFO Sighting Near Highland Illinois" by Sufjan Stevens. Last fall I would wake up at 5am to jog through Riverside Park. I remember how surreal it felt to be up and out at 5am, ipod on full blast, breathing in the crisp Fall air, and running through the park feeling the leaves crackle beneath my feet. There was something about being up before the rest of the city. One of the cool things about Riverside Park is that it overlooks the Hudson. Granted, the Hudson isn't exactly the beach at the Bahamas. Yeah, actually it's more like the dirty sandy puddle of water that coagulates at the drain of those out door showers at the beach. But still, there was something about looking out over the water to the other side (which mind you is New Jersey…but still).

I would often listen to Sufjan Stevens as I’d run and this song always seemed to strike a chord with me. At the time, I was still grappling with being gay, being Christian, living in New York City, wanting to move yet wanting to stay, disliking my job, wanting more friends, wanting more authenticity, and having absolutely no idea what I was doing or where I was going. So much is different now, so much so that I can't believe it's only been a year. Yet, it seems like this was all just yesterday.

I no longer run in Riverside Park, but instead listen to the leaves crackle under foot as I make my way through Morningside Heights. A year later and I’m still here, physically, emotionally, and mentally. Now, as much as I love New York, the truth is that I have no idea where I’ll be this time next year….if I’ll need to trade in my “I Love New York” t-shirt for a “I love fresh air, not spending a fortune to live in a cubby hole, and rediscovering that even 3 feet of personal space is more than enough at 8am” t-shirt. The possibilities are endless…and I find that rather exciting.

Hmmm...maybe tomorrow morning I’ll go for an extended jog through Riverside Park.

-Bryan

Profound Realization....Brace Yourselves

2007-10-01T07:17:00.000-04:00

Guys are idiots!

And yes, I know that i'm one of them.

It's odd. Women can often see things that men can't. A woman can listen to a guy talk, rant, whine, dream, and say..."we'd be really good together". While the guy is thinking "I'm glad we're friends but we couldn't date because I like bigger boobs". Quite often, the woman was right and the guy doesn't realize that until it's too late and she's moved on. I don't know. Perhaps the female intuition gene came along with my gay gene.

Obviously, there's someone I thought I had at least some feelings for. However, I could be wrong about the sense of compatability. There was someone a year ago who I thought would be good for me, and vice versa. Truth was, one of us would have probably killed the other in his sleep. But that experience was a first for many reasons and there were a number of things I couldn't see. I'm an ENFj / INFj personality so I learn from situations quickly, and my gut tells me that this situation is different.

Sadly, i'm making the emotional decision to give up on him, not give up on caring about him as a friend or supporting him because I couldn't do that, he's done nothing wrong per se. But just in seeing him as anything more, of putting my heart into it unnecessarily. I'm over it.

-Bryan

TGIF

2007-09-28T23:09:00.000-04:00

Bryan: We’re budgeting for this twice next year. We should only be budgeting for it once.

SVP: What do you mean?

Bryan: In 2007 we only budgeted for it once, which is accurate. In the 2008 budget we have it listed twice, one for project xxa and one for project xxb.

SVP: I’m not understanding....

Bryan: Ok. We should only be budgeting for it once. Like…one time. When I look at the budget, I see that xxa is budgeting for it, and xxb is budgeting for it. Two projects are budgeting for exactly the same thing, which isn’t necessary. It looks like we’re intending to spend twice as much on it as we’re actually going to. We should remove it from xxb and just keep it on xxa.

(VP comes into SVP’s office)

SVP to VP: Do you understand this?

VP: What?

Bryan: SVP is budgeting for the same item twice. I see it as a 2008 budget request for two different projects. It should only be on one project.

VP: ....uh huh...

Bryan:…….

Bryan: We’re budgeting for 200% of the actual cost.

VP: What d'ya mean?

Bryan:….

Bryan to VP and SVP: Ok. Say I owe you $100. And to make sure I remember I’m going to include it in my budget for next month. However, instead of just creating one item that says “Pay VP $100”, I create two items which say “Pay VP $100”. Instead of it looking like I owe you $100, it now looks like I owe you $200. But I don’t owe you $200. I only owe you $100. So, to make sure that I’m portraying my expenses as accurately as possible so that I can budget as accurately as possible, I need to remove one of those items which say “Pay VP $100”, so that instead of it looking like I owe you $200 on my books, it looks like I only owe you $100….which is accurate. That’s what’s happening here. It looks like we’re going to be paying more to this vendor next year because we have this item listed twice in error. You get me?

SVP: ……. …….. (blank stare)

VP:……………… (blank stare)

Bryan:……………..

Bryan: .....have a good weekend….

(Bryan leaves office, grabs his crap, and heads to the elevator)

Awaking With the Dawn

2007-09-27T08:10:00.001-04:00

I go for a run early in the morning. Not only is it a great way to wake up (although some days, or weeks, waking up is more difficult than others) but there’s just something humbling about running through city streets as the sun rises above the buildings. I don’t run far, only between 1-1.5 miles. I know, “Bryan are you kidding me…a mile!?” Because I live in the city and rely on a combination of my feet and public transportation to get to and from, I don’t really need to run very far. The combination of running and walking results in about 10-15 miles each week. So, my morning run is really just a way of getting in some more strenuous activity than walking.

Running also clears my head. I find that when I run in the morning I rarely think about negative things. Instead, I think about how blessed I am to live in the city I wanted to be in since I was a kid but never thought I’d live in. I think about how nice it is to have good family and friends, even though we have our differences. I think about how good it feels to be able to run, because some people can’t. I think about how great God is for giving me the life that he’s given me. Oh, and sometimes I think about the attractive dudes I see walking their dogs while i'm running that I try to pretend like I don’t notice. I’m shy. AND, I think about love. Yes, that’s right boys and girls, Bryan actually does think about love. Newsflash!

Anyway, This morning’s run was wonderful. Well, except for the part where I realized that I didn’t hydrate myself enough and spent the 20 minutes after I got home trying to avoid puking. That wasn't so wonderful. When I got home though I had, and still have, a song I wrote a while ago buzzing through my head. It is about love. More so, it’s about being in love and what that might feel like. I don’t remember when I wrote it. New songs/poems often flow through my head. I guess that’s what happens when your parents are musicians.

Below is a few lines from “Could You..” I’ll probably be playing this song in my head during my ride to work this A.M. Which reminds me, gotta run!

"Sitting in the mid day sun
Passers by start to become
Rays that dance around the light that you and I emit here
Wrap us up in something more
Something more we can explore
A world we carry on our shoulders as we move into each other
And the birds they start to sing
Rejoicing with us in this thing that here is quickly growing, flying, blooming, overflowing
This isn’t what I thought it’d be like
It’s greater, too great for me to deny
Come in closer
Coming closer
Come in closer
Coming closer….now….."

-by Bryan

Follow up to "Oh How I love New York Nightlife....in Small Doses"

2007-09-23T16:30:00.000-04:00

There were about 16 of us who went to Manahatta, a really great club in the East Village, to celebrate my bff’s birthday last night. A good time was had by all. It’s quite the trek from Morningside Heights to the East Village, which is why I seldom go to the East Village. That being said, the East Village does have some awesome bars, restaurants, clubs, lounges, etc. so it’s a great place to chill on a Friday or Saturday night.

Upon arrival I was fortunate enough not to have to wait in line because I was on the guest list. One of the things that irks me sometimes about the NYC night club scene is the long lines and the fact that some clubs are so pretentious. Getting in has never been a problem for me, but when I’m going out to have a good time I want to get excited about going out to have a good time, not work my nerves up by spending hours getting ready in order to give myself the best shot at getting in, which half the time, for guys, really just comes down to whether or not you’re with hot girls.

Anyway, as I walked past the guards and through the doors into deafening music and a sea of people, I realized something, something I already suspected. This “something” only became more evident as I attempted to make my way to the back of the lounge so that I could head downstairs to the club. As I tip-toed, wiggled, and inched my way through the throngs of people packed so tightly together that I feared death by asphyxiation, I realized 1) someone just grabbed my butt…eww, and 2) I’M TOO OLD FOR THIS CRAP! This is all rather amusing as there was a day, not long ago, when I loved the night club scene though pretentious it can sometimes be. I loved the loud music, the dancing, the lights, the entire vibe was just my “thing”. Now, I’ll take an apple martini over good conversation at a place like Buddakan over last night’s festivities any day of the week. I guess I’m growing up. Yay, I’m mature!

It was a great night though, regardless of how many times I looked at my watch and wondered how much more bumping and grinding I could really do before I crawled behind a curtain and went to bed. Good pictures were taken through out the night, and by “good” I mean incriminating pictures which will never see the light of day.

I didn’t get home until close to 5am. I was only able to get a few hours of sleep before I had to wake up and head to church for a brunch meeting after the service. It’s a gorgeous day today! However, the hour and a half I spent looking out the window at brunch plus the 5 minute walk from the bus stop to my house was enough for me to take the day in. I’m going to sleep.

Night!

Oh How I love New York Night Life....in Small Doses

2007-09-21T22:08:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow is my best friend's birthday. We're celebrating it at a popular night club here in the city. She's quite the party girl (see picture to the right). She's also hot! Which...is totally lost on me cause i'm gay.

Anyway, tomorrow will be a good time i'm sure. I'm just more the "chilling out in a lounge" type than the "how long can I drink my kamikaze while dancing on this ridiculously small platform with 3 other sweaty people?" type.

Ah well. You're only young once. Plus, I got the moves to set that platform on FIRE!

Autumn in New York and a Place to Call Home

2007-09-20T18:46:00.000-04:00

So, it's Autumn in New York. Well, it's not officially autumn, but seeing as though the official beginning of the autumn season is only a few days away, I'm officially declaring it Autumn here on "Another Side of Something." Autumn is one of my favorite times of year next to Spring. The Northeast is a beautiful place to be this time of year. The leaves take on new colors, the air becomes crisp and clear (as clear as it can get here in the city), and the pace picks up as everyone knows they're closing in on the holidays and a brand New Year. If you've never had the chance to visit the Northeast during Autumn I'd encourage you to do so. It truly is a sight to see.

All that being said, I can't believe that I've lived here for over two years. It seems like only yesterday I was searching for apartments with my former roommates and wondering if this on-again-off-again love I had for New York, NY could ever turn into a permanent thing. Little did I know that my on-again-off-again love "thang" for this city would actually continue to be on-again-off-again (and sometimes more "off" than "on") for a year and a half after my move. My my, how things change. I could think of no better city to call home than this one. It fits me. I've experienced more in the past 2 years here in New York than I experienced in the 5 years before I got here. I've grown more as well, and the growing only continues.

It was only six short months ago during a conversation with some friends that I realized that I only stayed in New York because it was "New York". I stayed because it was the city that never slept, the big apple, and almost everywhere I went outside of this city people thought it was a really big deal, particularly in the sticks of Pennsylvania where my family lives. I stayed because not knowing where to go was more unsettling than being unhappy. Now, I stay because it's home. Home is where your heart is, and my heart is here. What can I say? I'm a New Yorker.

This is me...

2007-09-16T00:23:00.000-04:00

The past few days I’ve been hearing a lot about the “gay community”. It’s all been pretty focused around those things about the gay community and it’s members which are undesirable (i.e. too fem = not masculine enough, too into fashion = superficial, the list goes on). Interestingly enough, this has all come from other gay men and women. In my desire to not fit those stereotypes I’ve found myself evaluating all of my own stereotypically gay tendencies to see how I measure up (or in this case…DON’T measure up, as that would be most desirable).

I’ve met a lot of gay men and women over the past year and a half who profess a devout faith in Christ. The large majority of them are amazing people. However, so many of them seem to have conditions. So many seem to take pride in those things that set them apart from the rest of the gay community (i.e. I’m gay but I’m not THIS type of gay). I’ve found myself doing the same thing. However, I’m getting to the point where I’m realizing what true self-acceptance is, and so much of what I’ve looked down upon in others are things which I first looked down upon within myself. Not because those things were inherently wrong, but because they set me apart. They made my difference that much more obvious.

So, as I was doing my thing in this great big city tonight I couldn’t get these thoughts out of my head, all those things that I try to pretend I’m not that I really am. Some of it is just part of my design and nothing that can or should be changed. Others things I need to work, some of which I have been and some of which I haven't. Regardless, all of it is what make me me, the good with the bad.

So, this is me…

I like clothes and fashion….a lot. I can look at a dress, tell you if it’s designer, and sometimes even who made it.

I admire women’s shoes.

I like America’s Next Top Model, although I don’t watch it regularly

I sometimes find celebrities intriguing, and enjoy the occasional catch up on what’s happening in their lives.

I hate spiders….i freak out at the sight of them

I admire great wealth and power, but I’m conscious of it’s place in the world and in life

I can be a total flake when it comes to friends and family

I’m way to self-conscious

I pretend not to care about things that I really do care about

I can easily dismiss an important relationship over the slightest offense. Easier to hurt than to be hurt.

I sometimes, when I see a family on the train, wonder what my children will look like, and picture them in my arms.

I get emo over hallmark commercials

I’m my worst critic, nothing I do is ever good enough, my successes could have been more successful

I had my first sexual experience when I was 9. Way too young and far too damaging.

I want to help the people I love to know how much I love them back, but don’t know how

I wish I could accept other’s love, but I find that difficult to do

I really really like Madonna.

I’m not very trusting, not even of those I’m close to, I often expect for them to intentionally hurt or disappoint me somehow

I sometimes feel like enough isn’t really enough, I don’t want to want more, but I do

I crush easily, but I fall for no one

My mind often wanders, and sometimes to places it shouldn't

I miss the me that existed 4 years ago, ignorance is sometimes bliss

I love sweets, I can easily say screw dinner and go to town on a batch of chocolate chip cookies instead.

I instinctively look to anything pleasurable as a means to forget

I only like thunderstorms when other people are around

I’d like to learn to play the guitar so I can woo cute boys with my sultry voice. hehe

I don’t like the winter so much, it’s dark way too often…kinda depresses me

I pretend not to notice that i’m often the only brown face in the room, but I notice

I pretend to be stronger than I am, to the point where I’m not as tender as I should be

I sometimes feel embarrassed when I’m offended, so I pretend not to be offended

I wish I could let go

I wish I could grab hold

I sometimes wish I could go back in time, to that chubby 14 year old kid staring at the pills in the medicine cabinet and wishing he had the guts to do the only thing he thought would bring him some peace, and tell him it’ll all be okay…because it was okay..

...and I believe that it gets even better (ahh...there's that optimism!)

I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness.
Jeremiah 31:3

For a friend...

2007-09-15T12:45:00.000-04:00

This is for a friend who's been having a rough few weeks with family, life, and everything else.

If there's anything to say, if there's anything to do, If there's any other way, he'd do anything for you. :)

I have called you children, I have called you son.
What is there to answer if I'm the only one?
Morning comes in Paradise, morning comes in light.
Still I must obey, still I must invite.
If there's anything to say, if there's anything to do,
If there's any other way, I'll do anything for you.

I was dressed embarrassment.
I was dressed in wine.
If you had a part of me, will you take your time?
Even if I come back, even if I die
Is there some idea to replace my life?
Like a father to impress;
Like a mother's mourning dress,
If you ever make a mess, I'll do anything for you

I have called you preacher; I have called you son.
If you have a father or if you haven't one,
I'll do anything for you.

I did everything for you

In The Family Way

2007-09-13T19:28:00.000-04:00

Last Sunday we had infant baptism at church. This was the first time I’ve witnessed an infant baptism there. Not to say that they haven’t done them, as I know for a fact that they have. This was just the first one I was present for, and it was an experience as I’ve never seen an infant baptism in a Presbyterian church. The whole process, particularly the words that were spoken, was quite beautiful.

I just couldn’t take my eyes off of the kids. They’re round little faces watching anxiously, yet having no idea what they were actually watching and experiencing. It was cool to see their little personalities shine through at various times. Some giggled, some shuddered as the water was dribbled onto their foreheads, some refused to be held by anyone other than their parents, some cried, and some slept.

Ever since then I’ve been thinking about having a family of my own, much more than usual. Something about Sunday has rekindled that fire. This is of course not the first time that I’ve felt this way. However, I have this knack for convincing myself that I feel something (or more typically with me, DON’T feel something) that I really do. I managed to convince myself that a family wasn’t really a dream or desire of mine, that perhaps while it would be a “nice to have”, it wasn’t something that my heart really wanted. Yet, this past Sunday reminded me that it is more than just a “nice to have”, but instead is something that I yearn for. A family…

The difficult thing about hopes, dreams, desires, and yearnings is that…well…they’re just hopes, dreams, desires and yearnings. None of them are promised to us. None of them are certain to come to fruition. That in mind, I find it difficult to find the balance between the reality of what “is” and the possibilities of what could be. So, I instead try to err on the side of caution when thinking about yearnings of the heart, and try to be as realistic as possible, almost to the point of pessimism. At one point it was a conscious decision to deal with things this way. I’m far more optimistic by nature. These days, it feels more subconscious. I’ve trained myself. Again, I only do this with matters of the heart, and only to myself. I’m optimism’s cheerleader when it comes to most other things and most other people.

I just don’t know that I’ll ever have my own family, and I don’t know what good it does to hope that I will someday. Yet, I wish I could say that to not have my own family would be Ok with me.

Maybe I’ll get there.

My Visual DNA

2007-09-08T21:51:00.000-04:00

It's been a quiet weekend at home. I thought it would suck, but in actuality it hasn't been so bad.

Anyway, to pass some time tonight I did the "My Visual DNA" test. It's a test where you look at different photographs and based on the question being asked, choose the photograph that registers with you the most. Below are the results of my test. I'm always quite surprised after these tests as for me, they tend to be fairly accurate (unless i'm dillusional and have horrible self-perception). Anyway, enjoy...

Mood: Easy Rider

You're a bit of a romantic and have a taste for the exotic. You love feeling the sea breeze in your hair, sun on your skin... Slip those shoes off... You like to kick back. When it comes to art, you appreciate precision and hard work - real craftsmanship. You appreciate the history of a piece, the stories that it holds - you are a touch sentimental! As for music, it's the soundtrack to your world. You like to unwind and switch off: it gives you a break from reality. Your choice of treat shows you love being a little bit naughty. Being good all the time is a bore. You've got a good sense of fun and maybe an infectious giggle.

Fun: Escape Artist

You love to be far away from your everyday life. You love the sun, and like to live life at a slower pace than most - you know how to take things nice and easy! When it comes to holidays, you'll take experience over comfort every time, whether under canvas or under the stars. You love the chance to be in the wilderness and the freedom of being in charge of where you're heading. What grosses you out? Good manners are essential. Prodding, poking and picking get your "Yuk" factor ticking.

Habits: Junkie Monkey

Even if you have a healthy approach to life, you still have your little vices that keep you going. It is all part of the routine, you're a creature of habit. You're not neurotic about making healthy choices... You've got more of an easy going and carefree approach to your lifestyle. and a sweet tooth too. As for the home, you favour a cosy, home spun look. you dig the D-I-Y vibe big time.

Love: Home Soul

You're a real home soul. You care deeply about family life and all that comes with it, the love of a child very special. When you think of freedom - you think of being in charge of your direction. The open road and a full tank can take you pretty much anywhere.

Bye-bye Dirty Laundry....I Never Loved You

2007-09-08T00:15:00.000-04:00

So, I’ve done it. I’ve officially become a New Yorker, and by that I mean that I pay someone else quite a bit of money to do my laundry.

Now BEFORE YOU JUDGE….please know that doing laundry in a place like NYC is both expensive and an out and out pain in the rear. I suppose it’s not so bad if you have lots of time on your hands and live within a few blocks of a Laundromat. However, I have neither lots of time on my hands nor the desire to schlep my laundry all the way up to Broadway and 125. So, yes….every other Saturday I have someone come my to home, an extremely pleasant and very timely gentleman I might add, and whisk away the above bag filled with my many unmentionables. Two days later (or sometimes within 24 hours) he returns with my clothes nicely folded and my dress shirts and pants starched and hung on the neatest little hangers, which are only neat because they’re free! Well, that and the pants are hung on hangers that are designed to keep them from getting that unseemly hang wrinkle, which I dread!

Yes, this is a luxury. And yes, I feel quite blessed to be able to do such a thing. I try to take none of that for granted.

My laundry man comes tomorrow. I’m excited. I have dish towels and some new shirts that are in need of some eco-groovy skin-friendly satisfaction-guaranteed cleaning!

Glosoli

2007-09-06T20:36:00.001-04:00

Glosoli is icelandic for "Glowing sole", and one of my favorite songs by one of my favorite bands "Sigur Ros". I love the video that Sigur Ros chose to use with this song. I love it because it's full of kids...kids leading kids. It's innocent, it's free of expectation and assumptions, it's uplifting, inspiring, and yet, unless you know icelandic, you have no idea what any of it means.

I've been listening to this song since last year. I'd play it whenever I was down, happy, anxious, and angry. Something about it just makes me....forget. Somehow, this song, everytime I hear it, reminds me of the things that really matter in life, which usually aren't the things i'm dwelling on. I don't know that that was Sigur Ros' intention, but that's what it does for me nonetheless. The children are free! :)

Thank God for music!

Sigur Ros....marry me!!

Reflections From Amish Country...

2007-09-03T20:02:00.000-04:00

So my long weekend in Pennsylvania comes to a close. I’m actually writing this as I sit on the train heading back to the City. It was good to see my parents and to spend some quality time with them and the rest of my family. This was the first time that I’ve seen them since coming out to them a few months ago. For the most part, everything was still the same. But to be honest, I still felt a little odd, somewhat out of place. There was no real mention of the conversation we had a few months ago. On the one hand I didn’t want there to be, but on the other hand I feel like it’s needed. I want to know where they are in processing all of this. I want to know what they think now that they’ve had a few months to mull it over. I did make a few comments to my mom at times which somehow related to my being gay. She handled them quite well. I was also able to vent to her my concerns over the fact that my dad hasn’t said anything about the topic (to her or me) since the first week or so after I told him. It was nice being able to vent to her about it all.

I don't really know what to think. I should be so happy that my parents responded well to my coming out, and I truly am. But, being around them makes me realize how far we all have to go in this process. To be honest, there’s a part of me that wishes I could go back in time and undue it all. Since I can’t, there were times this weekend when I thought that it would be so much easier to just disappear. Yes, a copout I know, but easier nonetheless…at least on the surface. I want things to move so much faster than they are. I want to hear their conclusion on this whole gay and Christian topic. However, the truth is that they probably don’t have a conclusion, and it’s that open ended-ness (if that’s truly a word) that makes me uncomfortable/scared. Can they really handle having an openly gay son? It just doesn’t fit into the world and the circles that they travel in. Can the rest of my family handle having an openly gay member? Perhaps a better question is, am I capable of handling being openly gay around my family?

It's the unknown that I don't know how to handle. I'd rather keep my distance than risk being rejected. Keeping my distance comes so easily for me. I’ve been doing it for years. It’s second nature. Friends, family, everyone. I know how to keep people at bay. Sometimes in a conversation with a friend they’ll get the impression that I’m looking for their advice, or unsure about what I think or feel, or seeking to understand what they would do in a given instance. This happened in a conversation with a friend a few weeks ago which resulted in him saying “I can’t tell you what to do Bryan”. It was pretty funny (or not) because the truth is, I do that intentionally to limit the degree to which I have to express myself. I was successful at keeping him at bay. I’m quite aware of what I think, feel, and want to do. That being said, I can’t keep people at bay forever, and I know that. I need to stop doing that.

I want to busy myself with something. I'm headed back to nyc to a quieta partment and I feel the need to occupy my time with something, anything to avoid having to think about this stuff. Yet, thinking is what I’ll probably end up doing. This whole coming out thing is really only just beginning.

The below song by Feist is running through my head. I suppose because of several things going on in my life right now, not just the family stuff. The song is a little sad. But it you listen closely enough to the end, there's hope. There's always hope! :)

Water water on the seeds
To my left they rose and leaf
To my right cross Seven Seas

Maybe maybe they'll stay true
My seeds will cross and then take root
And leave you to an empty room
Lonely lonely that is you
Lonely lonely that is you

Paper paper obsolete
How will you reach out to me
I thought you'd ask me not to leave
Lonely lonely that is me
Lonely lonely that is me

Distance makes the heart grow weak
So that the mouth can barely speak
Except to those who hide their needs
And I have read the golden seal
That tell of how the seedlings feel
Reminds my heart what love can yield

By my only things are clear
Baby boy I'm staying here
Lonely lonely that was you
Lonely and so untrue

Just Couldn't Do It

2007-08-29T20:38:00.000-04:00

So, I was going to begin using Xanga to do my blogging. I don't know why. Well, I mean they do have smiley faces! But, as I attempted to make the transition, familiarizing myself with the ins and outs of Xanga, emailing people to tell them about the new blog, trying to think of what my next entry would be, I kept coming back to this site, back to this blog...and I realized how much it's become a part of me. What I had hoped to do in this new blogging season was to be more transparent. I hoped to open my blog up to people that have, up until now, known very little about what my life has been like over the past few years...even though I’ve seen some of them quite often during that time. With that in mind, I can think of no better place to do that than right here, where they can read all about my past, and walk with me into the future. SO, i guess Another Side of Something continues...

New

2007-05-21T20:24:00.000-04:00

Something happened to me when I came out to my mother a few days ago. To have her look into my tear filled eyes and say “…I don’t understand…but I will support you always…and I will never love you any less..” has changed me. In those moments it was as if all of those chains that held me, as if all of the ties that kept me beneath the surface, had been broken. The air I breathe, I breathe more deeply. I’m filled with new passion and purpose. I walk into the world with a new sense of being. I walk into the world with a new confidence, having seen and experienced on this earth, unconditional love.

There are times in our lives when God allows us the opportunity to catch a glimpse of what life is truly all about, times when we realize that who we are, what we do, and what we have to contribute, is about more than we can ever conceive of. It’s times like those that visions are born, that aspirations are realized, and that hearts and minds are opened. I’m experiencing this right now and it’s resulted in a new level of self-acceptance, and in turn, having only been back in the city for less than 24 hours I find myself being more expressive with others than I’ve ever been before. It’s nice.

In a reply to an email from a friend here in the city a few days ago I told her that I was gay. She and I started out at the same church when we moved to the city a few years ago. I suspected that she and a few of our other friends suspected but had just been waiting for me to tell them. Her response to me was quite awesome, and her prayers for me and my family as we travel down this road together are felt and appreciated.

I’m going to respond to her some time soon just to explain why it took me so long to spill the proverbial beans. I’m going to tell her that far more than knowing the intricate details of my sexuality, I first want people to know and to see that I absolutely, unequivocally, beyond all doubt, adore Jesus Christ. It’s my belief that just maybe when they can see Him in me, the conversation can truly begin.

From uncovering me, to another side of something. Here’s to a new chapter.

-Bryan

So here we are...

2007-04-14T23:39:00.000-04:00

I’ve learned and experienced a lot over the past year. I learned what acceptance looks like from myself and others. I gained a wonderful understanding of what it truly means to love. I realized that some things are more difficult than they seem, and that others were never that difficult to begin with. I’ve learned to take more risks and to trust others. I’ve experienced some of my lowest lows and some of my highest highs. But most of all, I’ve learned that the journey is only just beginning.

When I began this blog I had lots to say but no way to say it. The words in my head that never seemed to make it through my lips flowed so easily onto my computer screen. My thoughts, my feelings, my hopes, fears, dreams, were so easily expressed right here. So, what’s the difference today? The thoughts, feelings, hopes, fears, dreams, and everything in between have suddenly found their way from my head, through my heart, and out of my mouth. I no longer feel as though I live under the covers. Instead, for the first time, I feel like I’m truly living. Now the things that I have to say are being said, but out there, on the streets, in the bars, in the coffee houses, lounges, cramped corners, subway cars, and church pews.

As I walked home tonight after hanging with some friends I recalled an episode of Sex and the City in which Carrie said “That's the thing about needs. Sometimes when you get them met, you don't need them anymore.” This blog has been a blessing, and the need has been met. It’s time to close this chapter and to begin the next.

I’ll see you “out there”. :)

Later,
Bryan

"Relying on God has to begin all over again, every day, as if nothing had yet been done..." -C.S. Lewis (a letter “To Ms. L”)

It's Been Some Time....

2007-03-21T22:44:00.000-04:00

And it'll be just a bit longer!

Lots has been happening and lots continues to happen. I'm seeing God open certain doors and close others. Hmmm...i feel like I can truly say, meaning not just for the sake of drama, that this is the first time i've ever really allowed God to give me an answer to what the heck I should do. Things have always seemed to work out for me in the past inspite of my impatience, but this is the first time that I feel like i've truly "let go and let God". And guess what!?

It hurt like a mofo!

But I believe that I am, and will be, that much stronger in the end.

Anyway, I do have much to blog about, but it'll have to wait as I am...

OFF TO LONG BEACH, CA!!

WOOHOO!!!

Stay tuned....I may come back a blonde...

Later,
Bryan

PS: My birthday is March 28th. I take cash....

Holding Pattern

2007-03-06T19:23:00.000-05:00

Holding Pattern: When Air Traffic Control has a flight turn away from the airport and remain at an assigned altitude instead of landing. The pilots then await further instructions.

A friend looked at me today and said ..."Are you OK? You've seemed a little melancholy the past few days."

I always find it slightly humorous when I realize that i'm not doing such a great job at hiding all of the things i'm trying to hide. I've been doing my best to carry a smile, and truth is, more often than not my smile hasn't been an artificial one. Yet, at the core of my emotions these days I am...well...melancholy. There's an emotional heaviness I carry which manifests itself behind each smile and within each laugh. These days I often find myself staring off into the distance, not really thinking of anything specific, but just existing in the moment. My brain is tired. My heart is tired. My body is tired. I'm in a holding pattern.

Holding pattern...in transition....in process...

These are all terms to describe where I am right now. I was preparing to land and then suddenly i'm turned away from the airport only to remain at some assigned altitude until I receive further instruction. At times I think that i'm neither the plane nor the pilot, but a mere passenger on this flight. Were I the plane or the pilot I might be tempted to land this thing myself. Yet, I find myself in a place where I am completly and totally reliant on God to direct my steps...to show me where to go, what to do, who to be, all the while trying to find the balance between faith and necessary action. I'm waiting to descend. I'm waiting anxiously for my feet to touch the ground and for "normal" life to resume.

So much is going on in my life right now, and it's funny to talk to the many groups of friends who know me as they all know small pieces of the much greater puzzle (although I suppose a new friend in Texas is probably more informed than most). :-) I suppose i'm just not up for small talk these days. Nor am I up for spending countless hours talking about myself. I know what i'm thinking, what i'm feeling, what i'm confused, hurt, frustrated, troubled, and happy about, and don't see the need to pour it out over and over again in conversation. As a result, I probably haven't been the best conversationalist in recent weeks as I just don't have much to say or do, but just listen. That being said, I suppose that this blog doesn't tell you much about what's actually going on in my world right now, nor does it adequately portray what's going through my head and my heart. Sorry!

I know that the process of being in process can mold and make us into bright shining lights, and I can feel and see the results of this all around me. Who knows what I will be when/if life returns to normal. Maybe this is my new normal. I don't know. My heart compels me to believe otherwise...

Side Streets, Home, and Abraham

2007-02-23T20:45:00.000-05:00

Lots going on and way too much to blog about. So, as music is my thing, i'll let these songs tell the story of where i'm at on my behalf. Watch it in sequence...(when you have lots of free time)

The Journey

2007-02-05T00:27:00.000-05:00

This year I’ve committed myself to finding a church to belong to. This is no easy task. Surprising as it may be the diversity of churches here in Manhattan really isn’t that great. Throw in the transient traits sometimes found in city dwellers my age (with whom regular church attendance is not high on their list of “to-do’s”) and finding a church and church community where you can love and be loved is rather difficult. At times this depresses me. It depresses me at times because my search is made all the more difficult by the fact that I’m gay. Finding a church in the city is hard as it is, but for me, finding a church in which I can be authentically me multiplies those difficulties ten fold.

Sometimes the trouble I face in finding a church to call my “spiritual” home brings about questions. I start to question if my being gay really is OK. I start to question why it is so difficult to find a place to belong among God’s children if I really do have a seat at the table. I find myself with questions like..Does God really love me the way that I am and more importantly, does he really not want me to change? I mean if this was OK, it wouldn’t be so hard….right? Surely this shouldn’t feel like such an uphill battle….

I look at my friends who stroll in and out of churches all across Manhattan, from one denomination to another with ease, and it hurts. It hurts when I watch them converse in a room with other Christians, all the while knowing that my sexuality and the beliefs I carry regarding it seemingly put me in another stratosphere. I don’t just want to be a part of the kingdom; I also want to feel like I’m a part of the kingdom, and too many times I don’t. Too many times I feel like the red headed step child who’s been ostracized for having red hair.

It's rough when the questions begin to flow. However, as I ask myself all of these questions I remember the path that brought me here, a path that was heavy laden with prayer, bible study, crying, more prayer, bible study, more crying, and more prayer. I remember the many many months of denial even when I felt that my being gay was really OK. I remember the many months of force feeding myself information about how wrong it was to be gay and how I could change if I really prayed and really tried because I couldn’t accept the truth I was seeing which said I really was OK. Then, I remember the day that I felt the love of God wrap its arms around me and tell me “I love you as you are”, and I remember the moment it truly sunk in and all became so clear.

When I think of the trials, frustrations, difficulties, and pain I face as a Christian who is gay I have to remember the author of my faith. I remember that the road which Christ walked was everything but smooth. He was rejected. He was scorned. He was labeled a lunatic, a liar, and deceived. I’m sure that He at times felt alone. I’m sure that at times his sadness was quite overwhelming. I’m sure that at times being the son of God on earth was “just too hard”. Yet, he was Christ, the Son of Man, the son of God. So, I can't look to the difficulties I face as a Christian who is gay as being indicators of whether i'm wrong or right. Instead, by the grace of God I view them as part of the process to understanding what it means to live a life for Christ, a life that is unique, that is powerful, that is authentic, that is perfected and refined in the fire.

More and more there are days when I look up at the sky. I remember who I am, all of me, and what I endure. And in those few seconds tears begin to well up in my eyes, for I am thankful.

When I stand before the Lord, I'll be standing alone. This journey is my own.Still I want man's advice, and I need man's approval, but this journey is my own Why would I want to live for man and pay the highest price? What would it mean to gain the world, only to lose my life?…..You can live for someone else, and it will only bring you pain. I can't even judge myself. Only the Lord can say, "Well done."

Sarah Groves – This Journey is My Own

The Signet Ring

2007-02-01T20:19:00.000-05:00

When I was a junior or senior in college I had a dream one night. I sat on the ground Indian style facing a woman who appeared to be around my age at the time. As we sat, no words were spoken. I just watched her as she slowly took a paint brush in her hand and began to write something for me on a small piece of paper. As she slowly wrote on this small piece of paper I leaned in to see what it said. She was writing two bible verses. The first was from the book of Haggai. The second was a verse that I could not clearly discern.

I woke up the next morning, got myself ready, and headed to class, all the while feeling mesmerized by this mystical dream that seemed so out of the ordinary. To be honest, I didn’t even know if I would find the verses that I did remember from the dream as I had never heard of that book before. However, when I got home I opened my bible to Haggai and began to read the verses that I so clearly recalled.

“I will overthrow royal thrones, destroying the power of foreign kingdoms. I will overturn their chariots and charioteers. The horses will fall and their riders will kill each other. But when this happens, says the Lord Almighty, I will honor you, Zerubbabel son of Shealtiel, my servant. I will treat you like a signet ring on my finger, says the Lord, for I have specially chosen you. I, the Lord Almighty, have spoken!” Haggai 2: 22-23.

Now to the present.

Today I had a phone conversation with my mother. After we finished she called me 20 minutes later sounding a little teary eyed, and told me that she just had to call me to tell me that she has this overwhelming feeling that now is “my time”. That everything I’ve been wanting for, praying for, waiting for, is here…now. After I hung up I found myself both excited and troubled by this. Excited because, well, who wouldn’t get excited about seeing God do something great in their life? But troubled by that sinking feeling that she knew not what she spoke of. There was irony in knowing that the words she spoke so passionately related in some part to a piece of me that she may not be able to accept…my sexuality. But more importantly that conversation caused me to realize something that I have been trying to gracefully ignore.

My life is changing…quite rapidly...and there's nothing I can do about it. Am I in the beginning stages of a process similar to what Zerubbabel experienced all those centuries ago...becoming a signet ring on the finger of the Almighty?

Recently, a few people have said similar things to that which my mother said this morning. It feels good to hear, but the reality is quite "awkward" for lack of a better word. It is quite a peculiar feeling when you know that if you closed your eyes for only a moment that the world you would see when you opened them could be unrecognizable. It’s even more peculiar, that feeling of little control in knowing that such changes are divinely orchestrated and that your “assistance” is in no way required. In the process I find myself wanting to cling to what I can, wanting to maintain some sense of regularity. I find myself at times whispering beneath my breath… “God, I can’t do this…I don’t think I can do this!”

However, deep down I know that I can “do this”. I must. So, I let go…

I don't really know what it means to be a signet ring on His finger? It sounds like quite an honor.

Drum Roll Please

2007-01-28T10:31:00.000-05:00

I hesitate to post this blog because once posted, it’s like writing this decision in stone. I suppose writing it in stone isn’t all that bad since I’m comfortable with the decision I’ve made.

Here goes…

I am not going to the Federated States of Micronesia for a year. I am staying in Manhattan.

*whew* There….said it!

See my earlier post for the reasons this decision was made so difficult.

I’ve spent this weekend speaking with friends, reading, praying, enjoying the company of family here in the Amish country of Pennsylvania. I came here for the express purpose of getting away and spending some quiet time with God as I tried to discern what I should do. It’s funny. I always get frustrated with myself when I set out to spend a few days of quiet time with God because my quiet time usually ends up being less like a few days and more like a few hours. However, my heart is in a different, more humble place during these times, and this weekend I found that through involving myself in other things and not focusing my thoughts on the many questions surrounding my going or staying the desires of my heart became quite clear.

While the FSM would be a wonderful opportunity, my life here is just beginning. Having never had a place my heart called home, having never been in this place of love and self-acceptance, “here” is where my heart longs to be, to grow, to know God more fully and His will for me. So, as disappointing as this may be to some of you who were hoping to live vicariously through me while in the FSM…you can pray for me as I move into this next stage of my journey, as the territory is just as unchartered as would be any experience i'd have in a small developing South Pacific nation.

I finally have a place to call home. :-)

….and so life begins…

The Fork In My Road

2007-01-26T23:43:00.000-05:00

So this weekend I am on a retreat, a retreat to my parents house in Amish county that is. I came here to spend some quiet time away from the city, my friends, and all such influences that I might really have some time to think, pray, and discern God's will for me in the ongoing debate of whether I should leave the US and go to the FSM, or stay in NYC. Yes, I do love the FSM (see earlier post). It has garnered a part of my heart these past few months. However, I also love NYC and finally feel settled enough to call it home. More importantly, I am just now feeling like my life is beginning there.

These past two years have been spent settling into my life in the city, with a large portion of it being spent wrestling with my sexuality. I've finally reached a place of reconciliation and as a result am seeing dreams, goals, passions, and interests that had long since been placed on my mental and emotional backburner, come back to life. I've resurfaced. I'm finally ready to join a church, a bible study, spend time with my friends again, and do all the things that one could/should do when they have the superb opportunity to live in Manhattan. To date, a tourist visiting Manhattan for 3 days has probably done more in the city than I have in almost 2 years. My vision for the clothing company I began almost 3 years ago has returned, as has a new vision for starting a small non-profit here in the city. I love calling the city home. I love the fact that my heart is finally able to call the city home. Of all the things i've mentioned here, it really is only the beginning for the new authentic life I see as I envision the year ahead in Manhattan, a year (and a future) where I am free to be "me" in every sense of the word. I want to know what that looks like...what that feels like.

Is now the time to leave? Do I want to leave? Does God desire for me to leave?

These are the questions racing through my head and everyday I feel I have a different answer. When work frustrates me…

“that’s it I’m moving to the FSM…*bleep* this crap!”

When I see a nice pair of pants at the Republic of Banana…

“ *sigh* How can I leave this city?! These pants need me!”

However, I’ve found that such thinking, while fun, does not really answer the question at hand.

What I have found, or realized, is that regardless of the decision I make it will be made in total devotion to God and His call on my life. If I go, God goes with me. I will be and do all that He is asking of me in the FSM in great anticipation of the person I will become. If I stay, it will not be to enjoy just another year of complacency. That was needed for a season, but no more. I will involve myself in the world around me. By God’s grace I will allow the passions and drive he has given me to propel me into the next stage of my journey. I will be the Bryan I have always known that God was calling me to be, even as a little kid.

Jeremiah 29:11 - For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Virtually Exhausted

2007-01-25T11:20:00.000-05:00

Last night I was able to chat with one of my best friends on instant messenger. I haven't spoken to her in any depth for about 3 months for reasons that are probably outside the scope of this blog. I will say that there was no falling out nor was there any sort of misunderstanding. Things just sort of fell off as I focused on processing some things that were going on in my own life. As I sat there on my wobbly futon, chatting away I couldn't help but carry a grin that spanned from ear to ear. Here I was, chatting online with someone who's known me for 8 years, who I've spent countless hours with, laughing, chatting, harassing, eating, and chilling. Talking to her online was a much-needed breath of fresh air.

I've met some amazing people these past few months, most of whom I’ve met online. These people span the globe and possess unique, wonderful, and captivating personalities. However, as I sat chatting with my friend last night I was finally able to put into words something I’ve been feeling for several months now but couldn't quite communicate. Talking online to people I don't know is a lot of work! I'm virtually exhausted.

In general while talking online I find it difficult to communicate my thoughts and feelings in writing.

"But Bryan...what about some of these wonderful blog's you've posted?! You seem to communicate quite well in writing!"

Well, in response to that I have a confession to make. I hate writing blog posts!

Ok, I don't hate it. Blog writing is my way of expressing my thoughts and feelings in a way that allows me to share those thoughts and feelings with others. However, doing so in a succinct and eloquent manner takes me quite some time and therefore, at times, really isn't all that enjoyable. If I could paint a picture or write a song to share with you instead, I'd do so in a heartbeat. Written communication really isn't my number one form of expression and is by far not my most enjoyable.

All that being said, written communication is vital as you befriend people you've never met. It is through your words that they get to know you. This for me presents a problem, as I don't often convey "me" accurately through written words, which often leaves false impressions regarding my thoughts, feelings, intent, personality, and character. Trying to combat that or correct it in the presence of a misunderstanding or comprehension failure during online communication with people I’ve never met can be exhausting.

It's just nice to talk to someone who can...

..specifically know, given the situation being discussed, what I mean when I say "..interesting" because they've heard me say it a million times under a million different circumstances.

..burst into laughter at my "LOL's" because they can truly picture me Laughing Out Loud

..because they know me, know my true intent in asking a question or making a statement

Someone who doesn't interpret the things that I say or my online actions as anything more than they are, and who when reading my words of disappointment, hurt, or confusion can simultaneously hear the confidence and strength in my voice and know that Bryan is just venting and as always he'll be just fine. I'd say that the past few weeks have resulted in a heightened sense of greatfullness for the friends in my everyday life who know me, sometimes better than I know myself.

As for the people I’ve come to know recently, well, they're quite wonderful! I have no doubt that they'd be just as wonderful in real life. I hope to one day be able to move from this online madness and partake in the joy of their physical presence.

I have many hugs to give!

You're Moving Where?!?!?!

2007-01-24T12:19:00.000-05:00

Ever wanted to change the world? Yeah, neither did I!

So what compels a 25 year old guy with a great job, making great money, living in a great city with even greater friends and family close by, to drop it all and move to a small island in the South Pacific where he will live in an apartment with people he's never met and may not like, eat food he may not be able to stomach, re-live the early 90's with dial-up internet, have no cable TV, few modern amenities, and oh yeah, teach a bunch of teenagers some of whom may want nothing to do with him or a single thing he's going to teach!?

I've thought about this for quite some time actually. At times i've thought I had the answers only to realize that maybe I was wrong, and then began the process of thinking and praying all over again. Now almost 4 months later my heart delights in finally having found that answer. The answer is simply....

.. I Don't Know!

Ok, so not as profound as you were probably hoping, but hear me out....

For some reason my heart is in love with this place called the Federated States of Micronesia (the FSM). My friend Shawn can tell you that i've amassed so much knowledge about the FSM and it's inhabitatants that it's sometimes been scary. At first my desire to learn more about this tropical paradise was rooted in wanting to understand the experience he was having more intimately. However, as I studied and learned the details of this modern day garden of eden, I began to find myself wanting to experience it first hand. It was at that time that I learned of a Harvard affiliated organization whose sole purpose is to send educated men and women to developing nations to teach. Imagine my surprise upon finding out that not only did they have a dire need for teachers in the FSM, but that they specifically needed someone who could teach science. Having a Masters degree in Biochemistry and Molecular Biology with a Specialization in Biotechnology from Georgetown, and having worked as a Cancer Research Fellow at the National Cancer Institute of the National Institutes of Health, I immediately identified with the need that existed there. Fast forward almost 4 months later and I am accepted to this amazing program allowing me to teach in this great nation.

Will the road to the FSM be easy? Of course not. Will my time there be all cake and ice cream? I'd love to say yes but my PCV friends have more than confirmed that the answer will be no! Yet, me...Upper West Side Armani wearing me...is elated to kiss all of my comforts goodbye and move forward on this road to Pohnpei.

I'm not doing this to change the world. I'm not doing this because it will be easy. I'm not doing this because I don't think that there will be times that I miss "home" (wherever that is), my friends, my family, and the life I will have lead before I left. I realize that my life there will be different, and hope that afterwards it will never be the same.

We're all on a journey. We all move through life with purpose. Although our moving sometimes seems aimless, the purpose is not ours, but God's. It's hard to discern what we should and should not do as we travel along. Sometimes life becomes rough at best and human nature compels us to act somehow. So often I do act, all the while convincing myself that it's OK because God will not allow my "acting" to take me in a direction that He does not desire for me go in. Maybe that's true. Maybe it's not true. However, what I have found is that sometimes were it not for all of my "acting", "running", "over thinking", I would have experinced the tremendous peace (even joy) in the silence of life that only God can bring. So I move forward on this road to Pohnpei realizing that these are doors that only God could open and circumstances that only He could orchestrate. Yes it's scary and at times the present "comforts of home" are so much more enticing. However, I go forth knowing that He is with me.

As He continually inspires, perfects, and renews us, let us look to him for the Peace that surpasses all understanding, for the Joy that exceeds all sorrow, and for the Love that carries us through every trial.

Although our vision may be limited, His is limitless...

Regina Spektor

2007-01-21T18:05:00.001-05:00

Regina Spektor is my new love!

Everyone Loves A Little Death

2007-01-19T23:08:00.000-05:00

...Cab that is.

I love this song and the video is oddly reminiscent of an emotional and mental state that I seem to be in right now (minus the female).

Has My Sexuality Become My Idol?

2007-01-16T22:08:00.000-05:00

I was having a conversation with my friend the other night about some of the many ways that God has been working in her heart and in her life. Both of them my great friends since college, her and her husband moved to Manhattan almost 2 years ago so that he could pursue a career in financial services. In doing so they went from a wonderfully comfortable life in sunny San Diego to barely making ends meet in crazy, uber expensive New York City. Of all the things my friend has had trouble adjusting to, it has been the lack of funds and difficulty making ends meet that has troubled, depressed, and broken her the most. It has been not knowing how they would pay the rent, provide their daughter with all that she needs and that they would like to give her, and simply being unable to enjoy all that life in one of the world’s greatest cities has to offer that has made her life here quite challenging.

As we spoke, she described to me a breaking point she experienced one day back in October of 2006, a day when she was so fed up and down trodden that she sat on a park bench after a full day at a job she hates, sobbing and prepared to pack her bags and go stay with her family in Pennsylvania. To this day she doesn’t know how she got up the strength to go back to her apartment, go to sleep, and wake up for work the next morning…but she did. In the days that followed she began to realize something in her self, something that began a process for great change. She began to realize that her finances had become her idol. She was no longer looking to God for direction, love, and support. She was so obsessed with her finances, or lack thereof…so obsessed with what others would think when she could no longer afford the rent or pay the bills..so worried about all that they couldn’t do, that God was no longer at the center of her life…this idol was.

As I listened to her I couldn’t help but ask myself…has my sexuality become MY idol? These days, being gay seems to be all I think about. My thought life seems to entail the following:

-What church will accept my being gay?
-When should I come out to my family?
-I need more gay friends
-Will I ever meet and marry the man of my dreams?
-What’s happening on GCN?
-Is gay really OK?
-Do I need to learn more about pro and anti-gay theology?

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. It seems that I’m constantly thinking, talking, and/or praying about my sexuality. Everything I seem to do lately has my sexuality at the center. I no longer walk into church with a mind prepared to hear from and worship God. Instead, I walk in wondering how “gay affirming” my “gay affirming” church really is. I no longer read my bible with the intent of drawing more closely to God and allowing him to speak into my heart. Instead, I read it seeking affirmation or disaffirmation of the truth I’ve come to believe about my being gay. I no longer sit with my Christian friends grateful for the love, fun, and fellowship. Instead I sit wondering how they would all react were they to find out that I’m gay. All of this and yet I’m the first person to become irritated at those who speak about my sexuality as though it’s the only thing that makes me “me”.

So what gives?

I guess part of coming out and accepting ones sexuality is diving into all the things (at least conceptually) that you’ve been ignoring or denying for all of the years that have gone before. However, over the past few days I’ve began to realize that there has to come a point in time where as Christians we realize that regardless of how big the issue may be in the church at large, our sexuality is only one small part of a much greater picture, a picture that involves a God who created us for great things and loves us unconditionally. My being gay should no more define my world than my friend’s being straight (or her finances) define hers. That’s not to say that my sexuality will not result in my feeling, experiencing, and responding differently to the world around me , but even still, it does not define me and it cannot (or should not) consume me. When it begins to consume me this gift (my sexuality) becomes a burden, and I do not believe that’s what it is meant to be.

So, by the grace of God, I am moving from that place where my sexuality seemed to dictate my every thought and deed, and moving towards a place where God is right where he belongs…smack dab in the center of my heart. Will it be easy? Probably not....but necessary nonetheless if i'm to be all that God is calling me to be.

It's Official...

2007-01-08T18:55:00.000-05:00

I'm moving to Micronesia in July!!!

(isn't she lovely...)

The Life that Love Brings

2007-01-02T15:52:00.000-05:00

This will be a short post. I’m not as long winded of a poster as some of my blog crazy friends!

There is something wonderful in the air today. The birds are singing, the flowers are blooming, the sun is beaming, my heart is leaping, tears are flowing, a life is reborn…yet again. There is incense and amber…sunshine and twighlight. There is grace and gratitude…strength and weakness. And all of this, every detail, takes place inside of my soul.

The gift that I was told was not mine to receive is mine indeed. The joy that I was always informed was not mine to have, is mine for the taking. The peace I was often denied, is mine today. The life that love brings, was bought by none other than Christ himself, and when he did so…he thought of me.

His will has made me unique. His love has made me whole.

And so I carry on...

Artsy Mojo

2006-12-31T15:32:00.000-05:00

Did these today while chilling around the house with my roomates. It's not much but it kept me entertained.

You Are the Sun

2006-12-28T19:37:00.000-05:00

You are the sun shining down on everyone.
Light of the world giving light to everything I see
Beauty so brilliant I can hardly take it in
- Sarah Groves (You Are the Sun)

......“Be YOU” ...

I swear I’ve heard this at least 50 times this year from my good friend Shawn (a.k.a. SP, Shawnage, Shawnigan, PDiddy). It took me some time, but eventually I reached the point where I began to understand what that really meant. Understanding who “I” am is a continual process. One doesn’t deny a vital part of himself for 24 years only to turn around and accept himself fully in a matter of months. It’s a process that has involved more pain, excitement, anticipation, loneliness, and frustration than I’ve ever known. At times it has left me flat on my face, while at others it has left me floating on cloud 125…that’s right folks…there are clouds past 9!

As I sat in my room today thinking about all the stuff going on in my life, the many decisions that need to be made, the many people in my life that I’d like to include more fully, I stumbled upon a new blog entry by my friend Eric. Ok, I didn’t so much stumble upon it as I had already known he would post it and had been anxiously waiting for him to do so! I’m impatient and I make no qualms about it! As I read, I began to realize something about being “me”, something that I hope I will never forget. I am me today, in this moment, because of the many people, most of whom have entered my life this year, that have been by my side. I am “me” because of the many shoulders that I have leaned on, the many tears that have been shed on my behalf, the many thoughts and prayers that have gone up in my honor. To those people I say that I am me, simply, because you are You. You are encouraging. You are inspiring. You are captivating. You are visionaries. You are passionate. You are caring. You are loving. You are true fellowship. Though you span the globe, I carry you daily in my heart...your words, your smiles, and your spirits. As 2006 comes to a close, I can’t help but remember the many blessing I’ve seen as the result of knowing you.

So what, you may ask, does the title of this blog have to do with the content?

Well, as 2006 comes to a close there is one more thing I see quite clearly, perhaps more so than ever before. Unfortunately, at least in this instance, I am an artist by nature. I find it difficult to express certain things in words as I see them in vibrant colors and graphic depictions. So, while I would love to write something poetic and life-changing about who ultimately holds my heart and guides my steps, I’m afraid that my own words just don’t suffice. So, this song is as close as I could come. Don’t get too excited about the video though. It’s just circulating photographs, and intentionally so. It’s the words that really count.

(SP…I “borrowed” a photograph of yours… :-) ...)

You Are The Sun (Sarah Groves)

You are the sun shining down on everyone
Light of the world giving light to everything I see
Beauty so brilliant I can hardly take it in
And everywhere you are is warmth and light

And I am the moon with no light of my own
Still you have made me to shine
And as I glow in this cold dark night
I know I can’t be a light unless I turn my face to you

You are the sun shining down on everyone
Light of the world giving light to everything I see
Beauty so brilliant I can hardly take it in
And everywhere you are is warmth and light

And I am the moon with no light of my own
Still you have made me to shine
And as I glow in this cold dark night
I know I can’t be a light unless I turn my face to you

Shine on me with your light
Without you I’m a cold dark stone
Shine on me, I have no light of my own
You are the sun, you are the sun, you are the sun
And I am the moon

you have made me to shine
And as I glow in this cold dark night
I know I can’t be a light unless I turn my face to you
No I will never be a light unless I turn my face to you
No I will never be a light unless I turn my face to you
No I will never be a light unless I turn my face to you

Work After A Holiday

2006-12-26T13:02:00.000-05:00

....is very challenging when you're an IT Business Analyst for an Investment Bank. Among the things that i've seen while parusing the office today are:

- People showing off their Christmas gifts
- People watching TV (Judge Judy that is)
- People playing foosball (that's right...fooseball! I don't know how it made its way into the office but it's here on the table and people are playing it like it's going out of style.)
- People playing chess
- People playing checkers
- People playing cards
- People playing with toy guns

A hard working bunch they are!

As for me, I’ve been very diligent in my tasks. So far I’ve managed to look for hotels for my parents who are coming into town next week. I've also managed to pick up some packaging tape and some juicy fruit from the pharmacy. I even went to go to the post office. AND NOW I’m composing a new blog entry. When I leave at 2:30pm I’ll feel really good about myself and all of my accomplishments!!!!

I know! It's been a tough day, but someone's gotta keep that corporate wheel spinning! And DAMN IT it if it's me an my colleagues, we're certainly up for the challenge!

Let's keep up the good work!!

Quiereme Tal Como Soy

2006-12-24T21:11:00.000-05:00

This is my new favortie song by Lucero! In actuality, I think that the song was originally done by Sergio Fachelli. But either way, Lucero has a beautiful voice. Oh how I love her dearly....

Basically, the song is about being loved by someone who can love us for who we are, the good, the bad, and all of those things that we can't change about ourselves. It saying love me, but love me for who I am.

Yo soy así,
es mi forma de ser que te puedo decir amor
soy bueno,
soy malo a veces
y no puedo ser mejor.

Tengo mi cruz mis locuras
mis tardes oscuras, mi forma de hablar
soy bueno,
soy malo a veces
y no puedo ser mejor.

Quiéreme tal como soy
con mis noches y mis días
con mi manera de amar
con mis penas y alegrías.

Quiéreme tal como soy
y si no sigue adelante
nunca encontrarás amor
más amigo, más amante
quédate amor, pero antes
quiéreme tal como soy.

Piénsalo bien, es la cruel realidad
no te engañes, no hay nada que hacer
soy bueno,
soy malo a veces
y así es como voy a ser.

Quiéreme tal como soy
con mis noches y mis días
con mi manera de amar
con mis penas y alegrías.

Quiéreme tal como soy
y si no sigue adelante
nunca encontrarás amor
más amigo, más amante
quédate amor, pero antes
quiéreme tal como soy.

A Little Reflexion

2006-12-23T15:15:00.000-05:00

Yesterday in a conversation with my good Yapese friend Shawn P I said, “I've found it so funny how we can move so far from who we are, thinking that it's who God wants us to be, only to find that who we were is who he wanted us to be all along”.

That has been my reality over the past few months. It seems that every step forward is a step into something and someone that I once was, someone that I tried to stifle. As time goes by I see the richness in this person that God has created, the beauty in the spirit and the life that he has cared for through all of these years. I see the awesome guidance and the superb patience with which he has lead me, and in some ways it makes me ashamed. It makes me ashamed that I thought it was so important to be someone I’m not. It makes me ashamed that I valued things over life, love, and people. It makes me ashamed that I took the amazing gifts that he fashioned within me and decided that they were worthless. It makes me sad that I felt so lost and hurt that I thought such actions were my only options to true happiness.

As I move into the New Year, I realize that I am more of “myself” than I have been in quite some time. There are things, places, and people that I love that I had long since forgotten about. There are goals, desires, and passions that I thought has disappeared. I have become stronger and wiser. Yes, there are still many questions. For instance, I don’t quite know what “me” looks like as a devout Christian. I don’t really see too many of them dancing in cages at night clubs…but I could be wrong. I also don’t know what “me” looks like in a relationship, or how the real “me” will be received among the friends I have made in recent years.

What I do know is that I love passionately and relentlessly. I give until I have no more to give. I desire to see those I care for succeed in every way. I am strong but not overbearing. I am adaptable, but not so changeable. There are pieces of me that are more unique and more intriguing than I’d care to admit.

This world is full of people and places that will love me as I am, and no one under this sun is worth giving up the life that God has given ME to live.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

PS: SP! Papito! Maè! Sabes que eres una persona maravillosa. Siempre entiendes cosas dentro de mi que no entiendo. El Señor te usarà en maneras espectaculares. Pero tambien, creo que El te darà mas que se puede esperar. Yo sè que a la larga las cosas que estas experimentando solamente haràn la luz de dios brillar dentro de usted. Te quiero mucho!

How was that? ;-)

What the world makes me...

2006-12-19T11:45:00.000-05:00

Some things are hard to do, but we do them anyway.
Some things are hard to say, but we say them anyway.
As life flies by, so do we,
tossed around in the wind,
with nothing to tie us to the ground,
and nothing to tie us to each other.
We are freer than we wish to be,
and require more solitude than we wish to embrace.

i've made up my own mind
I will do what I should...

it will be hard
it will be painful
but it will be done....

Sick

2006-12-15T01:23:00.000-05:00

Man...being sick really stinks! My throat feels like it's on fire and my head feels like it could just explode. On the upside, my soar throat has manifested itself in my sounding like Barry White! So that's pretty cool!!

This is weird...

2006-12-12T20:58:00.001-05:00

My friend Chas in the FSM posted this in a MySpace bulletin. For fun, I did one as well. Well, it's totally bizarre how accurate this crap is. Proof for yesterday's blog? Perhaps. Even still, it was fun to read the results.

PS: I put in the birth dates for a few others I know and it seemed to be pretty on the money for them as well. Weird!

Your Birthdate: March 28

You don't just believe in love at first site - you've experienced it.
You develop crushes pretty easily, but keeping your interest is another matter!
You are very prone to love - hate relationships.

Number of True Loves You'll Have: 1

Number of Times You'll Have Your Heart Broken: 6

You are most compatible with people born on the 1st, 10th, 19th, and 28th of the month.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean For Your Love Life?

Love, Life, and Rug Rats

2006-12-11T20:41:00.000-05:00

Ok, I’m back.

So, I told my friend this morning that I don’t think I want to be in a relationship and I don’t think I want children. Truth is, I was being serious. Totally serious! I love being single. I love having no such commitments, making lots of money that I can spend on me and me alone (hey I’m 25 get off me) and being able to come, go, and do as I please. I watch my friends who are married or coupled and while I admire what they have, I do not admire their bickering, fighting, jealousy, and whole host of other issues that come along with being coupled. I just don’t! I enjoy my singleness, although I’m aware of the fact that being single in NYC does not produce as much of a sense of loneliness as it does in other places.

I’ve never been one to fall easily for anyone. In fact, it’s a rare occurrence. I can count on one hand the number of people that I’ve fallen for in my entire life (not to be confused with a little crush) and I would say of all those people, only two exceeded the definition of an extreme crush. I say all of that to say that I just can’t imagine connecting with someone that way who also connects with me. More so, I can’t imagine someone loving me with the same capacity with which I can love them, including my two major “fall fors”. Now, before I get the sympatheic “awwww….someone will love you..”, please know that I do not feel any degree of sadness when I make that statement. I am a firm believer that not everyone is meant to have someone. That’s totally cool with me! However, I do feel that my heart is not one for hopping from one guy to the next. It’s pretty dedicated in its focus and unfortunately, that type of dedication is not all that prevalent among gay guys my age. The ability to be that dedicated in love is something I can sense in people. I tend to pick up on it rather quickly in both men and women. It’s a gift of sorts and perhaps I should look into leaving my firm and working for the X-Men or something. Anyway, I’m totally fine being single and abstinent…that’s right I said it…abstinent!

All this being said, today I heard a cute gay guy make a statement about children and his desire for them. In that one moment I saw a possibility that I had written off. For just that one moment I saw the circumstances under which I could want all of the above things. I think those circumstances are pretty obvious here, but perhaps I’ll blog them out at a later date. Do I think the chances are slim…unfortunately! But you never know right!?

Hasta la tootles!

Sorry

2006-12-11T11:55:00.000-05:00

I just don't have much to write for now. Lots going on...just nothing bloggable.

Any suggestion?!?!